new! May 18, 2012
Austin sat at the coffee house. He was so high on caffeine that he didn't even need a chair to prop up at the coffee bar. He begged Roman to take him to the safe house, horrified that his wife would be making love with Rafael's chin before he had the chance to show her his magical scrapbook. If he'd had time, he would have had "Austin hearts Care-bear" tattooed on his forehead but Salem U. didn't pay him enough to afford it. They rushed over as Carrie was doing her best not to let Rafe molest her pyjamas past the point of no return. He used all the lines worthy of cheez whiz he could to turn them off, but it took Austin's presence to finally put out her prairie fire. She wanted to tell him the truth immediately. Apparently she still hasn't adjusted her clock to the way things work in Salem. And speaking of clocks. It turns out that her biological one was going off. No matter how much of a snooze this might have been, it appears that the last time she and Austin were turning butter it managed to magically turn into dough.

Elvis decided that while Stefano might not be his father anymore, he wasn't about to say goodbye to all the DiMera perks. He put Stefano on notice. Stefano managed to sigh through all of his ex-son's chess euphemisms until he left. The mayor meandered around town for the rest of the week. Now that Babs, Hope, John and Rafe are supposedly dead, everything in town was running smoothly and they hardly needed any government. Elvis took advantage of this utopian period in Salem history to go and see Nicole. He managed to get into her room by promising her a talking chocolate muffin. Aficionados will realize, of course, that the whole scene was a reference to EJ's favorite series of Misty Circle movies: "My Muffin Can Talk," "Splitting My Muffin," "I'll Take A Dozen" and "Chocolate In My Muffin." Nicole wasn't impressed and chucked the muffin into the hall. He followed and kicked it along the street and over to the square. He wasn't alone for long.

After Gabi did her best to convince a skeptical Will that someone would actually want to stalk her, he had another brouhaha with his parents. The usual insults flew through the air like fireflies on a summer evening. Eventually, Will told his parents that he was gay. His mom ran away as fast as her legs could carry her. She took so many deep breaths that her ass started inflating again and she had to wedge herself into a chair in the square so she wouldn't be carried away by the breeze. Elvis offered her his muffin. She moaned about her problems. Of course, he already knew that young William was gay. How could he not considering the way his eyes light up when they're together? He doled out some parenting advice. It was obvious enough that even Samanther should have gotten the point. She still missed it and ran home to screw things up even more. For once, EJ and Lucas were both shaking their heads about her simultaneously.

Also shaking their heads simultaneously: Madison, Kate and Nicole. Although they were okay with Brady walking around glistening and flexing his bronzed chest and meaty muscles (even Ian seemed okay with it), they were not so pleased when he crashed their meeting with a magazine editor. Thanks to Ian roofying his morning protein sludge, Brady showed up acting like Crispin Glover on steroids. But this bewildering activity was nothing compared to Victor's slip up. He's spent so long floating in wedded bliss that his brain seems to have sunk to parts unknown. He randomly began speaking to Henderson about stealing Maggie's eggs while she had her hearing aid turned on.

Meanwhile, Babs and Hopalong were at ISA HQ, attempting to follow up a lead she'd discovered about the gold in Stefano's egg. For once, Hope's vast knowledge of jewelry was actually useful. But it wasn't long before they were cowering as Agent Harpoon arrived to sink their ship. He walked out with the infamous coin of mystery and brought it to Stefano. He said it was like taking candy from a baby, only babies in Salem are better at hiding things. John and the others decided to move fast to find another way to take down their enemy. Always masters of disguise, they went to see an arms dealer while pretending to be Mr. Greene, Mr. O'Toole, his wife Charity and Mr. Garcia. The dealer saw through this. For reasons that only Mr. Greene might understand, he agreed to do the deal anyway and they arrested him by pulling out the weapons he just sold them. Stefano quickly heard that the arms deal he'd been planning had gone awry. He was really miffed that there was another crime syndicate even more incompetent than his. Just to outdo them, he ran over to the warehouse where the foursome had donned hoods and Babs was speaking through the vocoder he bought back in the 80s when he was trying to start his ELO tribute band. Obviously things had taken their toll on Stefano because he walked right into their trap and incriminated himself. They arrested him.

Lines of the week:
Stefano: I owe you nothing.

Austin: I'm counting the minutes until the insanity is over-with.

Marlena: I don't even know what we're talking about and I already hate it.

EJ: (to Sami) Darling, if poor mothering made children gay, all of Kate's children would be waving rainbow flags.

Will: (to Sami) Stop being a victim and grow up!


May 11, 2012
Ciara and Caroline were out of town with Tommy Bear for the annual teddy bear picnic. That takes place far enough outside of town that they didn't notice the little mushroom cloud that popped up outside of Salem. The explosion came just as Rafe confessed everything to Carrie and she admitted that she was still utterly smitten with his smirking face. With any chance at disarming the bomb gone, they started rolling up the carpets to soften the blast. Conveniently, this revealed a bomb shelter right underneath the safe house floor. Could that have been why it was chosen as a safe house in the first place? Who knows? The ISA certainly seemed pretty clueless. Luckily for the safe housers, the Salem Fire Department is about as competent as the police because they couldn't find the massive concrete structure hidden a foot under the ground even when they were standing on. That gave them the perfect opportunity to fake their deaths and get one over on Stefano.

Everyone seemed shocked that Stefano would actually kill someone. It was as though this had never been in the cards in the previous decades. In Salem, people are usually only killed by stairs. For a person to actually do it boggles the mind. Even more mind-boggling was how disappointed everyone seemed that Stefano was tired of playing this endless, pointless game. It was like he'd kicked their tiddlywinks into the sewer. Grief spread over the citizens of the town. The pub closed, causing a chowder drought. Addicts camped out in the alleys shivering as they hallucinated bowls floating through the air. The Salem PD had to put up barricades by the harbor to stop the desperate from leaping in to search for clams. The miserable family members sleepwalked through the streets and over to the pub. Billie had to drag Austin out of his room. He was so distraught, all he could do was sit around in his underwear on the pile of paper hearts he'd cut out for Carrie. What crushed him the most was the fact that he'd never be able to give his wife the heartfelt scrapbook he'd had his sister make for her.

Over at the pub, the wake commenced as the bar was covered with publicity head shots for their fans. Victor and Maggie came out of hibernation so he could vow vengeance for the death of Babs. Chad peeled Mel off his lap so his emo hair could pay its respects. Will didn't know what to do so he overturned a table. Sami kept worrying about whether or not her grief was actually believable. Apparently CW doesn't make a mascara for that. Lu paced, trying to stop her from starting fights. That only lasted so long. Finally, after the driest Irish wake in history, the family was loaded into a beer truck and driven to parts unknown. They soon found themselves confronted with all of the people they'd thought were dead. They were relieved in the way that you are when you discover you didn't accidentally shrink a shirt in the dryer. After all, it's not like they hadn't gone through grieving for all of these people before. This time, they didn't go to an exotic island, just a crummy B&B. That's the economy. Sami was furious that they'd been put through the malarkey. She then got furious with Will for shooting EJ and then going to work for him. After all, she only shot him and then had sex with him and went to work for his father. She demanded he quit his job. Will refused, saying that he loved being with Elvis, even if he kept catching him half-dressed with his mother.

Meanwhile, Elvis was furious that Stefano would actually order people killed, unlike all those other times he'd ordered John killed or his organs stolen, or tried to kill Philip and so on and so forth. Stefano didn't seem sure about how to handle all of this. He was furious and went into his back room to mope. And continuing with the fury, Carrie and Rafe furiously wanted to get into each other's pants but managed to control themselves because thoughts of Austin were making her queasy.

Lines of the week:
John: I still say we should bring back hanging traitors in a public square.

Will: Are you kidding me? First Dad and then EJ? Oh my God who is next?

Will: She can't help being the slut that she is.

Will: I see you put away your pitchfork and the fire pit.

Austin: I was going to give her the scrapbook!

Maggie: Victor, please, no bloodshed today.
Victor: Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.

Stefano: Classic Brady reaction.

EJ: To be loved by you seems to be a death sentence.


May 4, 2012
John, Marlena, Bo and Hope were herded to the abandoned steak house outside of town. As John wandered around trying to sniff out the mesquite, Carrie brought them all the frozen dinners they could handle. Still recovering from his coma, Babs sat on a mountain of them to ease his backside, still chapped from all that flashing he did last week in his hospital gown. The men instantly went stir crazy. There was no TV. It was just like a couples therapy camp. The mood rapidly changed when they noticed the place had been rigged to blow. They managed to stop Roman from walking in and blowing them into bite sized bits. He called in Shane, who wasn't much help. Faced with imminent death, things got a bit maudlin. Maybe it was being lumbered into a safe house again, but Rafe finally got his gumption up and told Carrie that he never knocked boots, or anything else, with Misty Circle. It was so romantic. "This is almost like when I fell for your sister," he managed to stop himself from saying. They chucked everything into a pile to make a blast wall. They even had the DiMera couch passed down through the gaping chimney no one bothered to climb out of in spite of the fact that they'd passed walkie-talkies through it. Eventually, the clock ran down. It looked like Stefano had hired a competent goon for once.

Back in Salem, the Lumi lovefest continued as the two iron haired, aging teenyboppers quickly got to work trying to save the company of the man they've spent years decrying as Satan incarnate. Sami didn't have any problems working with 'the devil'. After all, he and Nurse Honeycutt treated her pretty well when they abducted her. Lucas just does whatever happens. He'd already forgotten the fiancée who dumped him. Even though she was 'the one', he grieved her loss about as much as you would a scoop of ice cream that falls off the cone. It was only a matter of breaking a sweat before he would be mixing fluid with Samantha again. Lucas pondered before reunifying their loins: does he really love her, or is he just a masochist? Of course, Lu, the answer is that you love her because you are a masochist. Not that he'd listen to anyone yelling this at their televisions, he was too busy trying to see if their parts still fit together after her recent spate of hip widening. She was given all the relevant instructions of how to treat him thanks to the tattoos he received while he was in prison. Unfortunately for his mother, she walked in as they slithered out for air. While she might have been grateful that they hadn't been using the couch, she wasn't pleased that they were conducting their hairy clam bake with all the doors in the apartment wide open. The hallway was so full of people who had walked by and been traumatized that it looked like a battlefield.

Kate stumbled off and had to face other problems. Like working with Madison. They decided they hated Sami enough to work together. Lucky for them, there are plenty of people in town who feel their pain. But both women seemed more concerned about what Ian's intentions were. He wrinkled up his forehead so much that they couldn't tell what was going on in there. He drugged Brady to make him snap and planted a fake hack attack on Mad World. This kept everyone confused. He seemed mildly amused.

And misery continued in DiMera land. Lexi finally broke the news to Chadsworth that she was going to spend the summer dying. He was broken up about it but agreed to do all he could to help. Elvis had other things on his mind. He finally discovered the infamous letter from Alice which exposed the fact that he is not Stefano's real son. Stefano admitted that he found the whole thing hard to admit. After all, EJ looked exactly like his father. This only hinted at the other big secret which is yet to be revealed – Colleen wasn't actually a Brady. She was actually Arnold Finnegar's (RoboRafe) grandma (he was raised by a bunch of nuns after all). EJ said it shouldn't matter. Tony wasn't his biological son either. Stefano claimed that was different because he raised him. That's why things turned out so badly between them. Of course, neither of them mentioned Benjy or all of the dead daughters who never get remembered. They all made it to the scrap heap of history and not the family scrapbook.

Lines of the week:
Kate: Oh my God! My eyes actually hurt!

Sami: You're the first person in the history of the DiMera family to be kicked out on a morals charge.


April 27
Poor Lexi. One of the few people in Salem with half a brain and it's killing itself. It was a sad, sad, sad week. In the wake of news of Lexi's impending doom, everything started to feel like a wake, and not the Irish kind either. While Lexi's brain was dying, she wasn't the only loss the DiMeras were suffering. Stefano and Elvis proved once again that their greatest love scenes are with each other. As Tony observed many years ago, the only person EJ is truly capable of loving is Stefano. All the women he's been with have just means to procuring heirs to impress his father, sort of like really expensive jewelry. But without a papa, what will become of Junior, the baby who got too big too fast? It was all breaking poor Stefano's heart. As he dealt with losing two children, EJ was left clueless about what he had done to make Stefano turn on him.

But it wasn't all emo for the DiMeras. It was finally revealed that Super Mario, I mean Santo DiMera, is the one who set this mysterious battle for the egg in motion, all of those years ago. After his final battle with the Easter Bunny, he commanded Stefano to hunt down the egg at all costs. John, Hope, Marlena and Babs all considered relenting on their battle against the bearded one in light of his daughter's decline, but he wasn't giving up the fight. He kept demanding the coin from the egg be returned and sent his personal plastic surgeon out to threaten to give Marlena a Billie face if they wouldn't comply.

Meanwhile, the youngest DiMera, Lord Chadsworth Chaddington, and Mel rolled over in bed one day. By the next day he explained that he'd planned a trip for them to the windy city. They immediately went to the pub and told Gabi, who didn't take it well. She took it so badly that she took the head off a doll and claimed she was being stalked. Abby, who knows plenty about stalking, offered to keep her safe. Gabba-Gabba was not satisfied so Mel (who knows something about being stalked) volunteered Chad (who knows something about being mobbed by desperate skanks) to be her personal bodyguard. Gabba-Gabba obviously remembered what happened when her brother was stuck looking after some freak in a cramped apartment and assumed lightning would strike twice. On a side note, Soap Opera Fan Blog finally got a hold of one of the love letters that Abby wrote to Austin while she was stalking him:

"'A' is for awesome, because that is what you are.
'U' is for understanding, because I know you will take anything a woman does to you.
'S' is for sexy, because you sound like a morbidly obese drag queen imitating Kathleen Turner on helium.
'T' is for your tacky flirt lines, which reassure a girl that you're too uncreative to be a liar.
'I' is for inebriated, because that's how I'll always take advantage of you.
'N' is for never which is when I'll finally give up on you."

The doll wasn't the only thing losing its head. Kate and Madison both had fits when Ian offered Kate a Co-CEO position at Mad World. He wanted to watch them wrestle for power. Most of the other men around seemed to like that idea too. Barbara Ficklebottom didn't. She wrote in with this to say: "This is not 100 percent okay! What is it? You think I don't know what you're doing. You writers need to get a grip and leave it alone. You kill all the good girls or make them crazy. But what's with this Madison? I don't like her and she's a skank. Is Brady on drugs again or what? You need to set things right but Kate needs to go down for once. Make her leave with that creep Ian!"

Meanwhile, Rafe continued trying to tell Carrie the truth. Since she's a Brady and he's a bit slow, he couldn't get a word in edgewise. Even when she used the power of eavesdropping to listen to him talking to other people, she still couldn't stumble on the truth. In spite of the fact that EJ being the father was perhaps the worst kept secret in town, Salem's only professional PI still couldn't figure it out. What she could figure out is that when she's in bed with Austin, she keeps imagining Rafe's head on top of his body. As she got to work make herself a little photoshop album, Nicole was also dreaming of the soothing tones of Rafe. He's almost like having a white noise machine that can do your grocery shopping and move furniture. Across town, Sami and Lucas seemed to be settling on each other once again no matter whose stomach it upsets.

Lines of the week:
Kate: If you're so bored, rent a clown.

Nicole: (to Sami) Congratulations bitch!

Abby: Was Johnny trying to do brain surgery on Allie's doll again?

 
April 20, 2012
Never one to be outdone, Stefano decided to give Kate a dumping to remember. After calling in a bomb threat to empty Horton Square, he filled her full of snails and cream. While that was settling in her stomach, the sense of doom started to grow as fast as the impending indigestion. He confronted the former hooker for being a 'puttana'. He even spat at her. To add the biggest insult, he gave her company over to Sami to ruin. She was so furious she nearly burst out of her tight fitting jacket. Once she flounced back to Casa DiMera, she discovered that Harold and Mary had already sent all of her things to the Salvation Army. Elvis arrived and worried about being disowned. He didn't realize he was being owned. He'd already heard about Kate's fall from power from Samanther, whose ego had become as big as her inflatable ass. Seeing that spectacle didn't stop him from gloating to Kate, but he had a tantrum when his father flatly refused to explain why he was no longer treating him like a son. Little did Elvis know that it was precisely because he wasn't his son. Feeling rejected, he blundered over to Sami and offered to help her run CW. She rejected him too. He might be the father of some of her children and the man who gave her a place to live, but Stefano, the man she detests even more than EJ, has just promised her a small fortune, so everything else goes out the window. Meanwhile, Ian introduced the latest possible "DOOL" spinoff sitcom. He offered his wife a divorce and then decided to bring Kate to work at Mad World with Madison.

There were plenty of other people in town gagging on things this week. After recently demonstrating her horrible judgement, Abby spent this week showing how bad she is at everything else, like walking, talking and chewing. If only she'd been raised by a cow instead of Jack and Jenn... She rammed into Cameron and his chowdah tray and they were instantly covered in a thick, gelatinous white goo. "How is that for obvious sexual tension?" Cousin Marvin asked me. It seems more like what happens at the end of sexual tension. Unfortunately, it didn't end there. The bickering duo was pulled into a double date with Chadsworth and Mel. They watched a movie in the park that sounded like it pasted together from Lumi's cheesiest scenes. Abby started choking on popcorn. Cameron pumped her from behind until she let out a pop. This was embarrassing for her and she ran off. Mel cornered her and pointed out that at least she wasn't in a Depends commercial.

Chad and Mel had problems of their own. Apparently the exclusive new body spray that CW designed for him was working because he was being swarmed by skanks, hos and hoochies. It was like watching the sea gulls in the alley behind the pub. Although Mel made short shrift of the shifty shegoats, she had a bigger problem. Gabi still had her shifty eyes set on having a chowder bowl full of Chad herself. She wanted to rope Will into helping her. He refused and then broke the news that he was gay. She didn't seem that surprised. The last guy she had a crush on was gay too. Gabi started to worry that she was spreading it every time she wanted to spread her legs. Believe me Gabs, if there were girls who could spread gayness, almost every gay man would have one around.

There were some other shockers this week. Nicole likes sprinkles on her ice cream and EJ drinks herbal tea as a hangover cure. More curiously, Rafe revealed the real reason he wanted to help with Nicole's kid: he wanted an excuse to hang out in the children's section of the library without getting embarrassed. He still hasn't finished the Captain Underpants series and has been dying of suspense. Carrie had her own fantasies about getting in his underpants and then started panting until she remembered she was in bed with Austin. She went outside to pant alone. She and Rafe had another conversation about how they never tell each other anything. And over at the hospital, Hope jumped up and down on Babs, serenading him with songs of their unreleased album, "Musk And Mullets: A Hope, Faith And Miracles Collection." He grunted his eyes open and Daniel brought him out of the coma. Babs started running the corridors, threatening Stefano. He managed to chase him off by threatening to give him the moon angle of his revealing hospital gown.

Lines of the week:
Stefano: This is our last supper!

Lexi: (to Abe) Can I get you some pom-poms?

Austin: (to Rafe) Wow man that is a man-sized bowl of ice cream you've got there. I never thought of you as the sprinkles type.

Mel: I've seen you say 'thank you' to an automatic door.


April 13, 2012

HoJo discovered a coded coin in the mysterious Keebler egg of gaudiness at the B&B in Alamainia. Realizing that Stefano wanted it for the code, they tried to crack it but had no luck so replaced it with a fake and ran off to the airport. Stefano soon discovered their ruse. Although he was furious that it didn't contain the customary action figure, the fact that there was no secret code is what really burned his grits. He gritted his teeth and uttered threats. His goons weren't fast enough though and Agent Spencer managed to smuggle HoJo out of town. John got back just in the nick of time. Marlena had become so lost without him she couldn't tell the difference between speaking to him in person and leaving a message on his answering machine. She wasn't happy that he was working in Intelligence again. The doctor reminded him that Intelligence had never done either of them any good. Meanwhile, Hope jumped onto Babs until his hands started twitching.

The Alamainia caper hasn't done wonders for Stefano's marriage either. Kate was left all on her lonesome to get emo. Gentleman that he is, Ian offered Kate his shoulder to cry on before she laid her head on his lap. After he made her cry out a blue streak in his bed, she immediately began having second thoughts. Or at least one: she made a terrible mistake. She was sure that Stefano would be out for blood and ran off. He came back the next day in his riding clothes. Kate, apparently, hadn't spent her night having the same fantasies he had. Decked out in enough brown velvet for a village of Muppets, she cried and told him to run away. It was too late though. Stefano had set things in motion to catch her in a honey trap. She failed his test, but what should he have expected? Someone with a sweet tooth should never marry a diabetic.

Romance wasn't all bad in Salem. Chad did the ultimate in romantic gestures: asked his friend to pimp out his room for his xxx throwdown with Premiere Party Girl. Gabi found this gag inducing but, being a Hernandez and, therefore, a glutton for punishment, she went ahead and did it anyway. Maybe she should have tried telling Chadsworth fibs about how Mel treated Dario? Instead, she ran off to tear up pictures while Chad took Mel on the magical tour of his private hair gel manufacturing plant. After she gave it the safety inspection, he gave her a pink robe she could wrap around him. If that wasn't enough of a lewd joke, she plopped out some Chinese take-out and asked him if he wished to open up her box.

Billie snuck around Casa DiMera looking for dirt. It turned out that she wasn't as sleek and smooth as her bosses at Depends would have you believe. EJ caught her clunking around and was soon shoving his hands through the mess she left behind. Elvis was chilled to the bone to discover that his father had stolen the money that he'd stolen from his Uncle John. Nicole showed up to make things worse. After sending him mixed signals by wearing a scarf in his presence, she accidentally spurted out that Stefano had also attempted to steal the election... and gave it to Abe (which begs the question of whether or not that's how perpetually incompetent son-in-law Abe got elected last time). EJ was totally baffled about how anyone could do that to their own flesh and blood, which should be enough to remind everyone that he hasn't been a DiMera for long. After telling her about the trauma of being SORAS'd, he begged her to come back to him. She ran away instead. Perhaps when he tried to kiss her, she could still smell Sami's breath in his mouth. The previous evening, EJ had yanked Samanther in for a tonsil exam just to prove that he finds her repulsive. It's sort of the adult version of when little boys hit the girls they like and say they're gross. Sami wanted to talk to him about his Pete the Plumber routine. He'd dropped by her pad the previous evening and offered to fix her drains. She let him use Rafe's big wrench but all he'd ended up doing was getting the drain to squirt all over him. Sami later did her best to repress this memory by stuffing her face with smores while Lucas threw a phony camping trip for the kids.

Lines of the week:
Rafe: What am I, Sami?

Hope: So much for the friendly skies.

John: Better than a toaster.


April 6, 2012
The latest adventures of EJ's magical sperm hit a bit of a roadblock this week. Rafe stepped up to claim that his guys outswam EJ's. Elvis refused to believe it and dragged them to the hospital for tests. It was too early for Nicole to get a paternity test. Surprisingly, EJ didn't force them to have the VD tests he'd suggested a few weeks ago. He stormed off to tell Sami all the gossip while Rafe was left with Nicole so they could pretend that they weren't recycling a script they've both read before. Sami took the news surprisingly well. She unloaded on Carrie like she was a landfill. Carrie was crushed, particularly about Rafe knocking up Nicole. He avoided telling her everything. Austin showed up to say he wanted them to get their own gingerbread house and fill it with children. She was so dazed and confused that this almost sounded like a good idea. Meanwhile, Sami begged Lucas not to run back to his life and stay mired in the past with her. He was reluctant to remain in the chowder pit with her but things quickly happened to change his mind. EJ gave her a place to live. Lu and Samanther soon discovered that not only was EJ her landlord, he was also her neighbor. Just to prove it, he put on a soothing cardigan sweater and gave them a tour of his own village full of puppets he'd had made from some of his favorite scarves.

Gina and her Prawn continued to swim around the toilet bowl known as Alamainia. She managed to find Willy Wonka under a rock sporting his special sash for tart tasting. The princess offered to take Willy upstairs so they could gorge on some fish eggs. It wasn't long before he was knocked out, John rolled out from under the bed and they sportingly nabbed his jewels before running away. She tried to lure John into a different kind of sport in the shower. His one cell mind was distracted though after randomly finding a Deidre Evans headshot left behind by the "DOOL" convention that hit hotel Alamainia last week. The picture meant something to him. He squinted, and that was enough to block Gina's naked body from sight. Because John has so little left of his brain, the hypnosis soon wore off, much as it does with chickens. He proceeded to try and de-zombify Gina by shoving Marlena's fan club card in her face. She attempted to run but kept falling over her carbuncles. Eventually he got it through to her that she was married to someone named Babs. If that wasn't enough of a comedown, he also smashed the dreams of the little girl who lives in her head by making it clear that she wasn't a princess either.

Back in Salem, Kate was having her hopes dashed. Not only was she banned from seeking revenge on Sami, she suspected that her husband was still obsessed with Marlena. Little did she know that Stefano had set up a whole ruse to test her loyalty while he was out of town. She failed. Ian hobbled over to listen to her mope about her marriage and it wasn't long before she was taking his stick out for a walk. Meanwhile, young William kept telling his grandma that he was gay to the point that it nearly verged on song and Gabi continued to channel her dark side as she plotted to tear Chad and Mel apart.

Lexi and Abe, reunited once again and raised glasses to their marriage. Immediately after that, she was hit by another headache and blacked out. To make things worse, her mother showed up uninvited to proclaim that doom was on the way. The three of them went to the hospital and a rush was put on tests for her. The battery of tests were magically done in minutes thanks to a spell cast by Celeste using some of Lexi's hair and Abe's old eyes. It turned out that Lexi had an inoperable brain tumor. Crowding her brain even more, it turned out that she also had a half-brother who dropped into her life just in time for the irony to start kicking in.

Lines of the week:
Sami: What? Me shooting him in the head is just a bump in the road to true love?

John: Do you remember anything about the last ten years?

Austin: It's like Switzerland in Salem.




More Musings: 
More Matt's Musings from 2012
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2011
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2010
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2009
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2008