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Matt's 2011 Musings on Days of Our Lives

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The Final Week of 2011
The year came to a close, though it certainly wasn't a happy ending for everyone. EJ fumed about being outsmarted by the village idiots. His father did his best to laugh. Elvis went upstairs to distract himself by having sex with Nicole. Across town, John was busy recuperating from his trip to the Salem cells by having sex with Marlena. Shockingly, he'd discovered that this was possible without including whipped food and canned air. They ran off to do a press conference. EJ raided it to impress everyone with how magnanimous he could be. Uncle John gritted his teeth and took Marlena home for more sex, while EJ went back up to his room with Nicole. When John finally came up for some fresh air, Marlena broke the news that Stefano was the one who bailed him out. He flew into a rage and leapt from roof to roof all the way to Casa DiMera. Stefano blew smoke in his face and even offered him a gun to shoot him with. They'd both played this scene so many times that Stefano barely paid attention while John scrunched up his face to concentrate. He left in a huff and his huff brother pulled out another mysterious letter from Alice. Elvis was upstairs having sex with Nicole so he didn't notice any of this. John went home to have sex with Marlena again.

Sami and Rafe came down from the high of their vow renewal. He was still wondering why she rushed it. He carried her over the threshold but they still consummated on the couch, as is the fashion among the folk of the quaint little town. The next day, Kate dropped in to offer her former arch enemy a job. Sami was skeptical so Kate pointed out that being a psychotic freak is an asset, not a liability, in the business community. That made sense to Samantha so off they danced down the goldbricker road. She stopped off to tell Rafe and Will. The latter laughed. Rafe explained that he got a job too... with her sister. Sami managed to keep her bile down, even when Carrie and Austin dropped by for a game of Pictionary. Team Rafe and Carrie won the doodle tournament because they both knew what a rock looked like.

Still filled with the spirit of the season, Bope bullied an old man into giving their daughter a bike so they could let her loose on the dangerous streets of Salem. As they wandered through the square, they knocked over the plaque when Babs' ass collided with it. Hope assumed this was a sign they were the village idiots. They avoided facing this fact when they noticed a key fell out of the plaque. Immediately, they tracked down old Mr. Brown, who had made the plaque out of glue, breadsticks and hairdye. According to Mr. Brown, Babs' ass counted as an act of God so they got the repairs for free, but this still left Hope wondering why her Gran was so secretive. Meanwhile, Jack continued to confuse Jenn with someone named Jane since he still thinks he's Tarzan. He tried hanging from the rafters but ended up falling into a tree. Using all of the cunning that has made him such a complex character over the years, he used some mistletoe to pressure her into a kiss. As they locked lips, she stared at him like a cow being milked by a four year old.

The spirit of romance wafted all over town. Will's turmoil wasn't helped by the fact that it was one of the most homoerotic weeks for "DOOL" in recent memory. The spa was quickly filling up with the greasy flesh of more glistening beefcake than Salem has seen since it was just a field for cattle breeding. Daniel took a break from downing his sorrows to let Quinn kick at his face. Maggie, Mel and Gabi stood around to ogle. Young Abigail and Chadsworth decided to have a quiet New Year's Eve and break-up amicably. It was the least dramatic and most mature behavior demonstrated by a Salemite in the past year. He immediately ran off to smooch Mel in the square. Will was pacing around outside of the party there. He was disoriented, partly from the trauma of EJami sex flashing through his brain and partly from meeting Sonny's friend Tyler. Elvis caught sight of them and leapt to the conclusion that Will must be gay. This is something he's apparently suspected since the days when a goateed EJ was living across the hall from young William and tried groping him whenever Sami wasn't around. This led to Elvis being kicked between the legs so many times that his excessive fertilizing skills rank as even more miraculous than they appear. But whatever was disturbing Will the most, he finally broke down to Marlena about his mom being, in words any shrink is familiar with, 'a selfish slut'.

Lines of the week:
Jack: Does this qualify me as a treehugger?

Kate: Falling for Chloe was punishment enough.

Daniel: Boys and girls can't be friends

December 23, 2011
The spirit of Christmas didn't quite make its way across to Salem this year. Unfortunately, it decided that its first stop off would be the Salem pub for a few pints of Christmas cheer and some candy cane cosmos. After getting drunk with the town's small population of elves and the sexually frustrated men who hang out with them, it began to stumble around town. Spreading Christmas cheer isn't quite the same thing as spreading Christmas beer though, especially when it tends to come out in vomit form.

With all of the town's hookers now working in the spa, the streets were safe once more to be littered with mistletoe without anyone getting the wrong idea or a stiff charge they weren't expecting. Not since Philly K. was hobbling through the streets was there so much of the plant strung up for smooching. Philly's mom kept herself busy this holiday by being disturbingly generous. She offered Samanther a job in her secret circle at CW. Meanwhile, Stefano showed his generosity to the audience by merely shaking his head and groaning as Lexi battered him with some of the most brutal dialogue ever swiped from a 50s melodrama.

Even with everything about the holiday set to vibrate, Chad and Mel were still attempting not to be a twitter about the passion which their near death experience hand kindled in the cockles of their hearts. Chad was clearly conflicted about it. After all, he had taken to wearing a stupid toque, no doubt at the insistence of Abby and her fetish for knitted headgear. Mel did her best to hide her feelings under her gargantuan bangs. The fact that she's been occasionally 'accidentally' flashing her panties in public only made the whole thing more confusing. Equally confused was Abby. If discovering that she had perverted fantasies about doubleknit wool wasn't enough to blow soot up her kilt, that her heart was ensnared by the cockeyed smirk of Salem's own Gargamel should have really freaked her out. Too traumatized by this to know what she was doing, she just stumbled around like an idiot, occasionally gulping hot chocolate to keep her brain functional.

Keeping romance alive across town, Brady tried to impress Madison with how geeky he could be. He took her back to his place so she could handle his telescope. But this overture was nothing compared to what Elvis pulled off. Finally realizing that every inch of the main hall at Casa DiMera had been besmirched aside from the ceiling, he and Nicole did the next best thing and went upstairs. He tried to impress her with the Swedish masseuse impression that had won him so many friends at the all boys boarding school he went to. Having never met a Swedish masseuse, the only thing EJ could use for inspiration was the Swedish chef. As anyone who has seen the Muppets must have expected, this ended with legs, fluids and various unidentifiable rubber devices being thrown through the air.

Over at the Safe loft, Sami moaned about how the holidays had impoverished her family so much that she even tapped out the tooth fairy. Rafe wasn't sure exactly what that meant. He went back to spending most of the holidays working for her sister for free. Perhaps it was the fact that poverty had robbed him of the meals to keep his brain functioning, or maybe it was the hypnotic glow of her Christmas sweater, but Rafe could not tear himself away from her. All the same, he still managed to think faster than Babs and Hope, who had gleaned a clue from Stefano that was so vague it could have been the fortune in a cookie. While the cops ran around town celebrating how much they loved each other, Rafe got his boss to help him dress so he could meet his wife. In a desperate plan to hide any hint that she had committed adultery, Sami donned a scarlet dress and ordered him to recommit to her. Although Will went into emo overdrive and dragged Marlena along to the ceremony, and although Will dropped all sorts of hints to his mom that he knew about her dirty laundry and the even dirtier stains she'd left on the DiMera couch, she still didn't get it. John was freed thanks to the new evidence and everyone decided to bury the holiday hatchet, especially while Johnny was hopped up on so much hot chocolate that his fro threatened to take on a life of its own and run off with the Christmas spirit, that is, if the spirit wasn't passed out in the alley now affectionately known as Chloe Lane.

And speaking of those who have stumbled in and out of Chloe Lane... Daniel discovered that he didn't have the Maggie disorder, however, his hands were still shaking. This was bad news for his surgical career, but what was even more disturbing for him was what it might do to his dating career. If he didn't have the chance to poke around people's hernias, replace their hearts and fix up their leaky Botox, how would he ever find a woman in Salem?

From Matt, Marvin, Christine, Dee, Amy and the army of Elf slaves who help us keep Soap Opera Fan running, we wish everyone a fruitful airing of grievances this Festivus season!

Lines of the week:
EJ: You're one expletive away from having your own reality TV show.

Sami: The tooth fairy is tapped out.

Kate: I want you working for me even if you are you.

December 16, 2011
Nicole and EJ plowed their way out of bed and back into the mayoral race. Elvis gave a big press conference to the town's population of unemployed 'little people'. Although we hear a lot about them, it was finally revealed that we never see most of the other residents of Salem because they are actually Leprechauns and are too short to show up on camera most of the time. Caroline, who is half Leprechaun herself, has a galley of them chained up in her kitchen. Lately they've been causing some labor unrest so she had to call Kayla in to help. Basic Black was staffed almost entirely by the little people, who have now taken over the alleys since all of the hookers have moved into the day spa. Unlike all of the tall unemployed people in town, who have a habit of abducting and shooting people, the little people are even more dangerous because they work as a group, rather than as loners. EJ quelled their wrath, making Lexi and Abe cringe as he swanned in to steal their charity plans out from under them. The Carvers had been planning to win the little people over with a new kids' rec centre. Since Lexi is a doctor in Salem rather than a real scientist, she kept mistaking them for children.

Over at the Salem cells, Marlena dropped in on her husband for some between the bars action. She vowed to stick by him for eternity. She's already started mummifying herself. John told Methuselah that she was too young to wait for him. She ignored this and then told him to play 'safe' in prison. The sexual connotations of that seemed to turn them on. She whipped out her Cool Whip and they snorted some aerosol before licking berries. Her earlobes became erect so he sucked them as she mooed. The feeder orgy was interrupted when they were called upstairs to meet with the DiMeras, who quite flatly offered to buy up Basic Black, Leprechauns and all, to save their relative's reputation. John began hurling GWB quotes at them to defend himself while his wife whispered in his ear. I guess that makes Marlena Dick Cheney. Stefano and EJ nearly fell asleep during this climactic argument and then left them to return to their food based depravity. The DiMeras had other things to be irked about. Babs and Hope weren't letting the Alice mystery die a healthy death. Hope was confident that Stefano was so superstitious that the IOU her Gran left behind could make Stefano do anything they wanted. If the threat of Alice's ghost and her eternal supply of hot donut grease wasn't enough, Hope always had her attic full of Christmas sweaters to terrorize Stefano into submission.

Across the street at Titan, all the sexual frustration was making Brady's hair poofy. Madison was frustrated too and took it out on Sami. As Sami moped, her babysitter dumped her kids on her so Kate had to swan in and save the day. She gave her old enemy a pep talk and Sami stood up to Madison, regaining her respect before she went home to suppress the bubbling rage she feels whenever she sees Rafe and Carrie together. Back at the office, Madison asked Brady for a second chance. They decided to re-enact the night of the blizzard. Brady brought out the peat chips for her. If they didn't eat them, they could always burn them. After dancing to some elevator music under some kind of roller disco novelty lamp, they went back to her place to flop into bed. They did it and then ate and then did it again. Unlike his father, he lets the two activities remain distinct. To add to the kink, they ran outside and jumped around on Santa's lap. He took her back to her room to erect a tree and then she topped it off.

The aftermath of the abduction continued to haunt the young people of Salem. Mel and Chadsworth discovered new ways to be awkward. It didn't help that she seemed to be wearing some kind of nightie the whole time. Gabi quickly got a job at Quinn's place and started ogling any eye candy that walked by. Abby seemed more worried about her confused libido than her brush with violence. That's for good reason since it's still unclear whether she and Chadsworth have ever done any more than rub necks. Gabi's boyfriend was gay and even she got more action. Perhaps that's why the Abster can see past Austin's Gargamel exterior, to the fact that his weathered face looks like it has spent a few decades in a smoky brothel engaging in every variety of sexual lingus and lingo imaginable. As she fondled the toque he gave her and stared with misty eyes, somewhere EJ was in a closet tying himself up with scarves.

Lines of the week:
Kate: Can they at least have a bowl of gruel and stick to play with?

Marlena: I miss you like I miss air.

Stefano: John, John, John, John, John...

Abby: (of Austin) I can't even breathe when he walks into the same room as me.

Austin: I look like an extra from "Miami Vice."

December 9, 2011

In spite of the many therapeutic Christmas tree lightings, Salem was still reeling from Will trashing Maggie's kitchen. Even the Hummel figurines on her windowsill were afraid to come out of hiding. Not to be outdone, John decided to trash the table in the legal chambers when he was left with Elvis. Carrie should have known better than to leave two men with barely one brain between them alone together. I guess she thought it would be just like letting Austin go off without his leash attached. As Austin jogged across town, Abby bumped into him and spilled her coffee all over the crotch of his shiny tracksuit. As she stared at the wet spot she'd left there, he assured her it was 'no biggie'. Apparently she found this charming and they recalled his brief boxing career.

Will was still livid about his mom getting some front door action from Elvis. He was obviously miserable about something. Even Rafe got a glimmer of that thanks to Will's t-shirt which read, "I attended an EJami sexapolooza and all I got was this lousy facial expression." Obviously taking after his father, Will began to drink and throw around sarcasm like snowballs. Only time will tell if he becomes a blackmailing rapist and cross dresser like his mother. He beamed when Marlena showed up to ruin her daughter's Christmas tree trimming. Rafe kept everything civil as they hung the tree with the chains from their wedding. Samantha Gene finally hauled her badonkadonk off to work where Madison told her that she was sick of her junk and all of her 'multiplying buts'. Kate told Sami to grow a backbone. Judging by their descriptions, Sami was starting to turn into Barbamama.

Still avoiding work to investigate the Alice mystery, Babs and Hope did their best to get the truth out of Susan, who has apparently become a deranged drag queen who spends all day in her rocking chair rehearsing for a production of "A Streetcar Named Desire" that will never be performed. She hung up before she could give them the recipe for how to SORAS your children. This was apparently what she got from Alice. The cops, continuing their totally illegal investigation on police time and money, went over to Casa DiMera to harass Stefano about it again. Even Hope's Christmas sweater couldn't spook him into revealing anything and he repeated that they should let the secrets of the dead stay buried.

Over at Quinn's ill-named new place, SIDS (Salem's Intensity Day Spa), Mel and Gabi arrived to get a therapeutic massage. Chad joined them for some awkward sexual tension before Mel accidentally flashed him. Then again, if you've been the star of Salem's number one sex video, that's the equivalent of winking at someone. They were soon thrown together in a far closer way that they really weren't expecting when they were abducted by a Vincent Gallo wannabe and his lobotomized assistant. They were dumped in a pit where they quickly admitted that they had been panting for each other since they tickled each other's tonsils for Halloween. While they were facing death and making out, their friends and family were desperately trying to rescue them. Austin, Sonny, the Abster and Gabster were all thrown into the fray as Babs and Hope, apparently the only available cops, raided the place. After a small boxing match, the whole thing was over and Horton town square filled up with people hugging.

Back at Elvis' sex cave, Nicole was sure that even he couldn't be disturbed enough to get back with Sami after she unloaded a gun into him. He recalled the last time he unloaded into Sami but Nicole rapidly distracted his wandering mind by dressing up in her outfit from, "Merry XXX-Mas: Mz. Claus Does The Ho-Ho-Hos." While EJ was throwing his yule log into the fire, they didn't ponder what all of this seasonal sex could lead to. Although being SORAS'd so rapidly cured EJ of his bed-wetting, it didn't rear him away from the habit of leaving wet spots on the couch. By the screwy medical logic that governs Salem, the exposure to the mixed DNA of EJami that the couch is caked in may manage to impregnate Nicole, resulting in a child with two mothers, though Sami won't learn of this for decades, around the time she finally hits adulthood.

Lines of the week:
Marlena: He's evil!

Sami: I hate to do the right thing.

Will: I'm just pointing out that she's a bitch, which I guess makes me a son of a bitch.

Sami: You can cough up that fur ball that's making you catty or I'll quit.

Bo: I'm sure it's crossed your mind.
Stefano: A lot of thoughts cross my mind.

Bad dude: This is called a gun. It can kill you.

December 2, 2011
Another week in Salem dawned. Showing how classy the joint has become, Quinn decked out his new day spa with the cheapest junk he could find. Since the millionaires of Salem refuse to allow Dollarama into town, that meant shopping at Countess Wilhelmina. Madison wasn't happy about it but Kate was ever so pleased. Recognizing that they obviously shared a common career path in life, Quinn began massaging Kate's hand. Madison returned to the office to throw paper airplanes at Brady with messages on them. This was a step up from passive aggressive emails so they went to the square to spoon desserts into each other's mouths before licking each other's lips clean. She took him back to her place to rip off his shirt but suddenly had a change of mind and sent him packing with a pair of coconuts. Her attention quickly turned to Sami, who had been playing hooky from work and hanging out at Quinn's new spa, "The Unhappy Endings Massage Parlor And Fight Club." Kate was hanging around long enough to see Madison tearing into Sami and came up with a cunning plan.

Sami had too much on her mind to worry about her job and Kate though. She bustled over to EJ to discuss what they were never supposed to speak of again. He assured her that Mary called the biohazard unit in and, even if the Salem PD could afford sniffer dogs, they wouldn't find a trace of their latest carnal carnival. She was still traumatized by the fact that she was repeating her mother's storylines. Sami didn't point out, however, that, like her mom, she also has a thing for people with faulty brains. She even ejected part of EJ's onto the wall once to make him more like John. After she left, EJ whisked Nicole off for romance and then they returned to Casa DiMera. He and Nicole made out until he started to smell the scent that Sami left behind on the sofa.

Still reeling from the trauma of witnessing EJami's lunge into the love garage, Will barely knew what to do with himself. Grannie Marlena whirled in to try and ply his mouth open with popcorn. She could sense that plenty was troubling him. His attempts to explain himself kept verging on interpretive dance. Demonstrating the true sign of a confused man, he gave Gabi a series of random gifts -- a Chia pet, his Bose stereo and a glitter encrusted key-chain -- before asking her to move in with him. Although his blatantly questionable test wasn't putting her off, the fact that he rejected her sexual advances once again severely confused her. He couldn't explain himself and kept pressuring. Gabi couldn't take his head being everywhere except where she wanted it the most and dumped him. He flipped out and trashed the sun chips and coleslaw feast that Chad and Sonny had prepared for everyone.

Across town, John settled into the solitary cell in the Salem PD. It was quieter and cleaner than living with Marlena. It also turned out to be the most social place to be. Jack stopped by and offered to tell the world John's story. John told him he needed to seek therapy. Jack immediately made an appointment with Marlena and then decided to get plastered instead. After he'd had a few, she dragged him to her place and made him cry. Meanwhile, Carrie stopped by the cells in one of her hippy dresses and cardigans to show him the evidence was so fake it could have been made by a kid with photoshop. John was so furious about being stupid enough to enter a guilty plea that he trashed his cell. She puttered off to Austin to discuss staying in the jovial bastion of happy families until they died. He couldn't imagine dying anywhere else, especially since Abby kept popping up looking like a horny Smurfette who had been trapped on a desert island for too long. Maybe she should have vented to her mom, but maybe not... Apparently dealing with Jack and Daniel has left Jenn so confused about what passes for conversation that having an excruciatingly stilted conversation over coffee with Carrie, Lexi and Sami seemed downright pleasurable. She declared that they should have their own breakfast club. She'd be Claire, Carrie could be Allison, Lexi could be Brian and Sami could be Bender. They hotly debated this and then Sami raced off, first bumping into EJ to discuss the undiscussable before running into Rafe and asking him if they could show the world the beauty of their love by tying all of their children up with cords in the pet cemetery again. Since it's nearly Christmas, they can use sparkle lights this time.

Lines of the week:

Kate: Is this going to come with a happy ending?

Kate: I'm Kate DiMera and I'm not afraid of anything.

Will: (to Gabi) Why do I have to treat you like a piece of meat?

Marlena: Carrie and Austin had me over to help cook for the holiday.
Will: I bet it wasn't much of a holiday... uh, without John.

EJ: (to Sami) Yesterday meant nothing.

Nicole: (to Jenn) You're cute. I'm scared.

November 23, 2011
Rafe and Will easily found Johnny, who had been hiding under a table at the pub. Nobody noticed this of course because the pub has always been renowned for the child slaves it uses to massage the feet of patrons as they sup their chowder. Will ran across town to find his mother at Casa DiMera. After rehearsing their favorite Three Stooges routine, Elvis and Sami relaxed by further soiling the DiMera sofa. They kept their clothes on because they believed this would act as birth control. Will walked in on them and then walked out to puke in the garden. Little did he know that his puke contained an orange seed that would grow into an orange tree that would one day be frozen in a mid-July ice storm and a sheaf of ice would fall from it and kill someone near and dear to him. But before all that could happen, EJ realized what he was doing and leaped off of Sami like he'd suddenly become sober after trying to hump a toaster while on Ecstasy. Sami ran off, nearly slipping on the vomit as she hurried home. Her nailpolish turned from black to blue, suggesting that her body has been knocked up so many times by now that it's learned to automatically give itself a pregnancy test. She got home and hugged her son. Will stared daggers at her. Rafe was clueless. Meanwhile, Nicole showed up to see EJ. She admitted that she could barely breathe without thinking of him. He tried giving her mouth to mouth. Then, without even bothering to shower off the stench of Samanther, EJ tried to lure Nicole up to the bedroom they used to share for a little after dinner treat he likes to call "mixing the baby juice with mingled limbs." They paid Johnny a visit instead. Will stared daggers at them. Rafe was clueless. Sami was left alone with her son. Will lashed out at her. Sami was still clueless thanks to the concussion which EJ had given to the brain in her ass.

Brady and Madison were relieved that Johnny was okay. They nearly kissed, but he probably should have been thinking a little more about his father. John pushed ahead with his plea. He refused to issue a statement about it, believing that simply saying that he had nothing to say would make him sound less vacuous. Lucky for him that Marlena was there because she can fill any vacuum with babbling. The judge wasn't impressed by the dialogue and decided to sentence him to twice the recommended amount. The DA didn't even bother to show up for the hearing because he had better things to do. John noticed Marlena was trying to cry but the tears seemed trapped by the Botox. After he pulled at the skin, one managed to escape as he was led away to the cells.

Across town, Jack admitted to Jenn that he needed help. She already knew that. Realizing that Salem still had plenty of muck to rake, he decided to teach journalism at Salem U. so that a new generation can remind everyone of how sleazy they are. Meanwhile, once Austin realized that he wasn't going to get to plug and play while Carrie was busy with her computer, he sulked off to the square. Young Abigail was there drinking iced coffee in the cold so he offered to warm her up with his pastel toque. He really liked the way it made her look like Smurfette. She seemed to like that he resembles Gargamel. Austin and Abigail had an immediate connection. He gave her blood many moons ago and, as everyone knows in Salem, if you exchange bodily fluids or organs one way, it's only a matter of time before you do it another way. The spirit of giving was also felt by Hope. She dropped by Casa DiMera to give Stefano a hard time about giving Alice a gift. He gave her some advice: get stuffed. And across town, his old nemesis Victor, famed Mafioso and pornographer, was stuck stuffing Maggie's turkey.

Lines of the week:
Stefano: Is Beauregard going to deep fry the turkey this year?

Stefano: I'm sure Bo has something you can help him stuff.

Victor: Make room for Grumpy.

November 18, 2011
Salemites whined, tore at their hair, changed their shirts, got the fidgets, tried to eat, mangled sandwiches, drank copious amount of tea and pulled out old scripts to repeat past dialogues this week. Everything was as recycled as what goes into Caroline's Friday pot of mystery stew. Even the sea gulls learned not to eat that stuff after it started making them sprout moustaches and quack like geese. Not everyone learns so easily though and the stew's stench continued to waft through the air from the slow cooker that dictates the show's pacing. John couldn't take this anymore and pushed ahead with his guilty plea. Austin suddenly felt bad because he knew that only an innocent person would actually plead guilty to a crime in Salem. Marlena went into a nearly psychotic frenzy of denial when she realized that there would be no one to feed her strawberries.

Johnny was the latest in the long line of children to go missing. At first, everyone thought it must have been EJ who nabbed him. It wasn't though and he was being as much of a drama queen about it as everyone else. He was so disturbed by it that his shirt turned white. Sensing opportunity in the air, Quinn crawled out from his clam shell to offer his help to Elvis. Nicole tried to put the kibosh on that but EJ was desperate. Quinn wandered off to get coffee and ran into Roman, who threatened to arrest him. The Alamain was unimpressed. Roman proved to be useless and his attempt to do police work soon fizzled. He dropped Quinn in the middle of the square and went back to telling EJ and Rafe, over and over, that they didn't know much. Over at the Salem PD, Babs and Hope sat around staring at a clock. At least that did less damage than when they actually try to do police work. The cop who had been arrested for shooting up the pub was the only cop in town who had done any real policing activity in months, and that mostly consisted of walking John to a cell and leaving him there. With him off the force, Babs and Hope should have had a full plate, but instead they spent all of their time on their extracurricular, quasi-illegal investigation of Alice.

The cops sent Sami home. Rafe offered her a sandwich and she wouldn't eat it. Gabi decided to make her brother one but he wouldn't eat it. Twenty four hours later, nothing had happened other than more sandwich making. Rafe whipped up his magic turkey sandwich but Sami threw it in his face. That's when he knew they were really in trouble. (At least Kate broke with the trend and offered Sami a muffin.) At first Sami blamed EJ, then Roman, then the cops, then John and Marlena, then Rafe. Then EJ blamed himself, Stefano blamed the Bradys, John blamed himself and Will tried to apologize for his mom blaming everyone. This was exhausting. But the real upset this week came from all of the unheard of violence done to sandwiches. My doppelganger, Marvin Vinegar, called me up from "Mmm-Mmm-Marvin's Marvelous Foodatorium" to tell me it was traumatizing his customers as they watched on their lunch breaks. He even invented a Johnny DiMera sandwich in honour of this colossal event. It comes with side of clam chowder but is basically a pumpernickel with overgrown alfalfa sprouts, pickled beets, sauerkraut and ham. I was surprised about the last ingredient until he explained it was a homage to Sami.

Anyway, Sami went to see EJ after she made the mistake of trusting TV journalism and believed a report that little Giovanni was sleeping in the great chowder bowl in the sky. They grieved and he revealed yet another of his fetishes. Apparently he really enjoys vigorously fingering women's armpits while they sit in front of the fire. Before he could take out his bagpipes to further explore this curious fixation, the anger bubbled over. She blamed him. He blamed her. She yelled. He yelled louder. Then the shoving began and we soon discovered the answer to the question: what would it look like if the Three Stooges ran a sex seminar? Meanwhile, since the cops were still spending all of their time staring at clocks, it was left to Rafe to get the bright idea to simply ask Allie where her brother could be. Five minutes later, he happily dawdled out from under a table in the pub. I guess the tablecloths there have magical cloaking capacities that can make you invisible. Either that or he discovered that covering your eyes and claiming you are invisible really works on the people of Salem.

Lines of the week:
Sami: I can't not panic!

Sami: You think that sandwich is going to make the difference? You think if I eat that sandwich, he's just going to walk though that door? You think this sandwich is the difference between that bloody shirt being his and not? Your perfect turkey sandwich is not going to bring him back. It's not going to change the fact that we went to that pub because of you! It's your fault that we were there and this sandwich doesn't change that!

EJ: That's what I get for trusting my kid to a bunch of Bradys!

November 11, 2011
A massive snowstorm blew into Salem from the Arctic winds of Canada. This left people stranded all over the town and the surrounding area. The snow banks were so high that lobsters and clams were running from the harbor and onto people's roofs, leaping down chimneys and spying through people's windows. Some industrious crabs burrowed their way out of town and found the cabin Jack and Jenn were trapped in. Hearing their little claws tapping against the glass only pushed his nipple torture PTSD into overdrive. He collapsed into Jenn's arms. She held him like a baby. They went back to town the next day and she asked him to open up like the can of fuzzy peaches she found under the floorboards. He vaguely did so and it turned into a cuddle-fest. The awkwardness was so overwhelming that the seal and the octopus trapped on the ceiling felt outdone. Jack and Jenn kissed with all of the passion of a pair of nuns practicing on a rusty lightbulb. Brady and Daniel jogged by 'coincidentally' to catch the spectacle. The doctor plodded off dejected. Abby stopped by to give the world's most half-assed apology for the way she's been treating him. He's a big enough ass that that was more than enough.

Madison and Brady were trapped at Titan for the storm. Apparently, the company has no cafeteria or kitchen, but they have a wine cellar and a vending machine. He jimmied it open with a crowbar and they gorged themselves on merlot and munchies. As they licked the Dorito dust from their fingers, she told him about her brutal childhood. This lead to them getting drunk and naked. I know that whenever I sleep on an office floor during a power outage in the middle of a blizzard, I'm always sure to take off all of my clothes. Perhaps they coated themselves in some of Mad World's magical heating lubricant because they were glistening when morning rolled around. She freaked out as he teasingly claimed that they made love. Then he oiled himself up and stood at the window to send out help signals by bouncing sunlight off of his glistening pecs. Once they were rescued, she goaded him into paying his father a visit. They did some manly bonding and drank beer.

In the pub, the three boys tried as loudly as possible to keep their problems with their website a secret. They managed to snow their girlfriends about it, but they're so used to being kept in the dark they could be mushrooms. Mel wasn't as easy to stave off, which resulted in more generic flirting with Lord Chaddington. Over at Casa DiMera, since most of the room already bore the stains of Nicole and Brady's festive Christmas carnality from last year, EJ and his wife had to reserve themselves to leaving spots on the more conservative spaces of the couch and beneath the coffee table. Even without involving scarves, they still managed to do it three times. In the light of morning, she remembered that Elvis doesn't know his pelvis from his heart. "What does the muscle matter, as long as it loves you?" he asked. That wasn't good enough for her and she left in tears. The snow quickly melted but EJ was still hot for Nicole. Once he had Mary clean up the mess they left, he panted until Nicole returned. Blurting out how much he oozed loved for her and wishing to de-pant, she put the kibosh on scratching his itch and set him to blinking mode. Before he could pull anything out, she whipped out some divorce papers to ruin the mood. Reluctantly, he signed them. Once she was gone, he turned to gloating to his father about setting John up. All he had to do was clone his phone, a strategy that proved far more successful than actually cloning a person.

The snow continued to melt rapidly, leaving the city awash in fish. The stench didn't seem to affect anyone of course because Salem always smells like rancid seafood and garbage. Rafe was shovelling it into his mouth as he yammered to Carrie about John. They went to see him and Marlena as she was hypnotizing him. Once he went under, John made the eerie discovery that his subconscious couldn't tell the difference between marrying Marlena and killing someone. He claimed that he shot a diplomat on their wedding day and then ate a croissant. This last detail was particularly disturbing. Everyone realized his memories were wrong. They had croissants and worried. The next day, they all joined at the pub for pre-trial croissants. The kids gave him a "I hear you're going to prison card." They had to make it themselves since Hallmark hasn't quite expanded that far yet. As he was admiring the baby spit stains, Sami grudgingly gave him a hug. He was moved. She was so moved she obviously was wishing she was somewhere else. All the while, a sniper got them perfectly lined up in his sights. However, this being Salem, he was so incompetent that he made shooting fish in a barrel about as successful as a drunk playing a rigged carnival game.

Lines of the week:

John: I shot him in the heart with a silencer and then I ate a croissant.

EJ: (to Nicole) The last thing I want to do is screw...uh things up.

Brady: (to Madison) What do you do for fun? Comb your cat at night?

November 4, 2011
Halloween continued in Salem. There was no candy anywhere but the town seemed to be overcome with random floral arrangements that took up a quarter of nearly every shot. Daniel and Jenn went medieval, but his wobbly sword couldn't protect him from Maggie and Mel. They cornered him to explain that he'd been hatched from one of her eggs. He didn't take it well. Considering what the mothers in Salem are like, having two sounds like hell on earth. Just look at what it did to Philip. Even more disturbing, it made everyone unsure of how old this made Dr. Blondilocks. But there is more to this than there appears. Alice's account was still spitting out money, which suggests that the baby issue could be far from settled, especially considering that she had a copy of a baby photo that also sits on the DiMera mantle. Does this mean that EJ is cut from Horton dough, or is there a herd of clones running around loose somewhere in the deep, dank underworld beneath Casa DiMera?

Rafe was trapped in the loft this week, which must be almost as disturbing as his ordeal as a captive. Austin had been leaving wet spots everywhere. This was mostly from his towels. He'd also chugged Rafe's milk jug and left his boxers hanging from the ceiling. It was starting to do Rafe's head in. He was unravelling, but maybe not as badly as Sami. She began calling him the 'shoe goddess' and prayed to him while storing her footwear in the fridge. Goddess or not, he still couldn't bake a flan. Making things worse, we learned from his phone calls that Stan the man is still on the loose. If Rafe had known about Sami's previous life as a man, he might have been worried that she was leading the kind of double life that John's been up to. Sami was doing her best to convince everyone that she was all woman. She wore a Barbie pink dress that pushed her badonkadonk straight up to her chest and then flailed over to Titan, using her She Ra style cleavage to interrupt Madison flirting with Brady. After telling her step brother to make sure he never showed Madison where his tan ends, she tattled to her boss that Brady is a bad boyfriend. This didn't sit well. Apparently Madison got the memo from Marlena and told Sami that she was very disappointed in her.

Marlena had other things to be less than happy about. The charm of being stuck in the town house to watch John work out and grunt can only last so long. He started to be sure that he wasn't sure of anything and opened up about his bewildering memories. Carrie and the shrink were sure that his memories must be wrong. After all, they just hired Rafe, who could certainly tell you that there can't be two of the same person running around. The fact that he'd gotten a job so quickly miffed Sami, who could no longer lord unemployment over him. Meanwhile, Austin and Carrie bickered until Roman told him the key to dealing with everything in Salem: forget logic and facts.

Elsewhere, Jack and Jenn decided to take off for the ski slopes. She was concerned that he had been stalking her but put that aside for the moment. If they had done the normal thing and wandered around town arguing, they would have found that the snow was coming to them. Once they hit the road, they wound up snowed in at a random cabin. Compared to the old Horton island hut it was the Holiday Inn. She dug under the floorboards and pulled out some picked peaches which logically enough led to him remembering his lengthy nipple torture in Afghanistan, not to be confused with Brady's nipple torture from last week. Back in town, Elvis' campaign continued to putter along at the same predictable speed as a Babs and Hope reunion. Quinn stumbled right into it. The two former bedmates of Saint Taylor of the Scarves went head to head, or head to shoulders anyway. EJ threw the class issue at Quinn, which is odd considering that the Aussie is an Alamain, which makes him what? A duke? Certainly an aristocrat, while EJ is merely the bastard of a scullery maid. When Quinn threatened to blackmail him, Elvis was quickly cowed and bent over for the man who took his Taylor away. Back at home, his papa was fighting his battles for him by trying to get Abe to drop out of the race. And Sonny and Chad worried that the organized crime families they come from would suspect them of being criminals.

Lines of the week:

Marlena: You can take your peace offering and go straight to Graceland.

EJ: (to Quinn) You're a drug dealing pimp with no pedigree.

Madison: (to Brady) I may have an opening you can fill.

Sonny: Think of what my family will do if I'm arrested for racketeering...

October 28, 2011
Halloween came to Salem this week. Stefano made a cameo to berate Nicole. Victor's been slacking off at dispensing insults so someone had to do it. Kate discovered one more reason to be appalled when she learned her son was living with Sami and Rafe. Considering their habit of having sex in the bathroom, Austin probably should have been looking for somewhere else to live anyway. Sami tore herself away from lathering up Rafe to watch Madison lubricate Brady's upper body in a special episode that displayed enough close-ups of Brady's nipples for them to get a special mention in the credits.

Austin stripped down to sleep on the Safe couch with his glass of Salem water. It was so full of female hormones that his nipples started twitching. Sami wandered in with a special blankie for him after ripping it from the clutches of a sleeping child. He leapt up and the water spilled on his crotch. As they tried mopping up the wet spot they'd left on the couch, she fell on him. Amazingly, considering this is Sami we're talking about, that didn't impregnate her. All the same, Rafe caught them in their tumbling act and was not amused. He was starting to think that the place they were living in wasn't big enough for them and Mr. Puffy hair. Even if Austin wasn't living there, Sami's continually growing ass would have made it impossible to be comfortable. After flattening it like a pancake from sitting on it for so long, getting a job has led to it filling up with her inflated self-confidence. All three bickered. Rafe wondered why Austin kept acting like he was ten. The next day, Austin met his mother who treated him like he was six. Then he was berated by Carrie for going to live with her psychotic rapist sister.

Across town, Elvis really seemed to have moved on from Taylor fast. Winter is still months away so we'll have to wait and see if his scarf obsession returns, but for the moment, he seemed fixated on some kind of lace. His father was irate with Nicole for not heading off some of the bad press he's been getting. EJ insisted that he had faith in her. In fact, he kept staring at her like she was the world's brightest Christmas tree. This could have had something to do with her being dressed up like a giant grey doily. He couldn't stop pawing at her exotic doily duds as though there must have been some crumpets hiding in their folds. When Halloween rolled around, she made him dress up as his namesake. He shook his puffy hair and grabbed his crotch. She was impressed. They went to meet his public and were forced into kissing for the pervs better known as the Salem press. It may have been the fact that he wasn't just wearing one, but two silk scarves that shone like dainty moonbeams, that got EJ acting like a hound dog. Rather than asking him to rock a hula with her, she told him she wanted a divorce. That made him feel like he was leading a dog's life.

Jack went off to England to see his son, leaving Jenn to deal with Daniel's advances. She was obviously missing Jack. Apparently making cookies aren't just a sexual overture on "Guiding Light." Jenn continued wondering which man to choose. Her daughter finally came around to being cool with whoever. She had other fish to dry. Like Mel, who showed up to the Halloween ball in the same French maid's costume. If the competitive thigh cleavage wasn't enough, Chad fell under the spell of the shiny vinyl outfits and began accidentally sucking face with Mel, unable to distinguish them. Apparently, to Lord Chadsworth, all maids look the same. Abby caught them and was miffed. "The costume made me do it!" he blurted out. Of course, Abby's not her mom. She's not into threeways. However, since she's had so much experience forgiving men, it came easily.

Babs and Hope worked Maggie up into a tizzy about her mystery baby. The eggs had hatched into something or other, but it remained to be seen what. It was Halloween so they could have had a lot of fun with that, instead they had Hope and Babs bust into a medical clinic after the doctor informed them she couldn't disclose information. They brought the illegal information to the redhead, but she could not make head nor hide of it. Babs and Hope dressed up as pirates. Once he'd applied all of his eyeliner, they managed to pool their information. As the clues added up, Mel blundered into the conversation to put the pieces together. Once she realized that Maggie was looking for her grandmother, it didn't take much to figure out that Daniel was somehow magically hatched from some eggs around twenty or thirty years ago. And John and Marlena took a break from having sex so he could send her out in public to berate people.

Lines of the week:

Stefano: I just hope to god my son hasn't fallen in love with his wife.

Lexi: Are you freakin' kiddin' me!

Rafe: You two try to stay clothed while I take a shower.

Rafe: What is he, ten?

October 21, 2011
The life lessons continued in the town of Salem this week. Rafe learned that corruption only works when you're a Brady and that Sami is far more tolerable after you've had a few beers. Austin discovered that if you tell a woman you are extremely excited, then drop your towel and it falls straight to the floor without hitting any interference, she'll immediately leave the country. John discovered that Marlena's shoulder pads have magically transformed her shoulders into her body's largest erogenous zone. And Will learned that the best way to deny something is to speak like you're a robot.

The life lessons continued in the town of Salem this week. Rafe learned that corruption only works when you're a Brady and that Sami is far more tolerable after you've had a few beers. Austin discovered that if you tell a woman you are extremely excited, then drop your towel and it falls straight to the floor without hitting any interference, she'll immediately leave the country. John discovered that Marlena's shoulder pads have magically transformed her shoulders into her body's largest erogenous zone. And Will learned that the best way to deny something is to speak like you're a robot.

The battle over Jenn continued. She and Dr. Orange discussed how Jack had broken her heart, leaving him to shove it back into her after it had literally been torn out. No one had ever mollycoddled her love organ like him before, but she still had feelings for Jack. He showed up and started making jokes about this turning into a three-way. Since Jenn and Daniel don't know how to take a joke, they decided to take him up on this. Because it was Jenn, it was the lame kind of threesome, which made Dr. Cowabunga look remarkably disappointed. Even more disappointed was Abby, who thought that her mom had really turned into a sad sack of moldy kittens for going along with what seemed like a "Three's Company" crossover onto "The Twilight Zone." Making things even worse for Little Miss Emo, she couldn't help but notice Chad and Mel literally chasing each other around as they yammered about who had the skankiest Halloween costume. Meanwhile, Jack tried to win Jenn over by taking her out to decorate cookies for sick children. Apparently there weren't any puppies he could save from a burning orphanage to impress her.

Maggie learned that she had a child floating around in the world somewhere. Victor seemed remarkably unsurprised by the whole thing. He even called one of his goons to make sure that his part in the joint that nabbed the redhead's eggs would be kept strictly hush-hush. While he was working to prevent the story from taking off, Bope continued to grope their way toward the truth thanks to their usual abuse of their positions of power.

The Salem PD continued to plod through one conflict of interest after another. Rafe was abusing his position to funnel information away from the Feds and over to Carrie. Austin wasn't happy to see that Sami's husband and his wife had become chummy. Roman got wind of Rafe bending the law. Strangely enough, he decided that he had to punish him for it. Leaking evidence is the kind of thing that can get you fired from the Salem PD, unlike destroying evidence, threatening witnesses, holding people hostage or leaving the perps you arrest to be killed. Rafe was annoyed. He blamed Austin and tried punching him but it only made the accountant's hair get bigger. Sami pouted, lashed out and pouted before apologizing. Then Rafe apologized so she apologized some more. Austin crashed the pity party to say he had to take Sami up on her 'genius idea' that he move into her loft with her husband, four children, one bathroom and two bedrooms. He could have gone to the Cheatin' Heart but they charge by the hour for their backroom and he couldn't afford a dump like that.

After Abe and Lexi dropped by the penthouse for room service pie and brick through the window, John and Marlena were informed that Carrie had a lead thanks to Rafe. The good news was so overwhelming that it was like John had been injected with a boatload of Viagra. Even his nose seemed to get longer as he nuzzled Marlena. She gasped, cooed and clucked like a beach full of horny turtles. After stuffing cream in his mouth, he offered to return the favor. She stripped off his shirt, his girdle, his belt, his codpiece and something I didn't even recognize. He kept his knee socks on and she wrapped herself up in a quilt because everyone knows that's the most common form of birth control in Sale

Lines of the week:
Sami: I think this is a genius idea.

John: I'm disturbed.

October 14, 2011
Daniel showed up at Jenn's with his bag from the bakery and offered to butter her breakfast muffin. The romance came to a screeching halt when Jack strolled in for his first compulsory shirtless scene. Daniel was shocked to see so much pale skin in one place. Jack was disturbed that Dr. Feelgood (aka Dr. Moral High-Ground, aka Dr. Cowabunga) was bringing his orange glow into Jenn's house so early in the day. Daniel's smugness got up Jack's nose almost as much as the rancid Old Spice he was basted in. Jenn couldn't deal with two men fighting over her and asked them both to leave so she could sort things out for herself. Dr. Dan was so confused that he drifted across town to see Victor and asked him for advice about women. Victor had plenty. Because it involved little lady Devereaux, it was all PG rated for once.

Across town, the R rated shenanigans continued. John and Marlena continued trying to make love. It was harder on the audience than anyone else. In fact, that was the only thing getting hard since Carrie and Austin showed up to spoil the mood. Rafe and Sami followed. Seeing her reminds a person what sex with Marlena can cause and that's the ultimate mood killer. Austin explained that he was still making the case against John. Carrie was miffed. Rafe was Rafe. Sami was Sami. John whispered that he was innocent through his gritted teeth until he was blue in the face. Once the kids left, he told Marlena that he was filing for divorce. That seems to be the answer for anything when Marlena's involved. She wouldn't go for that though. She should have pointed out that the only lawyer he could have used for a divorce would be Carrie and they would probably be reincarnated as a pet lizards for Johnny before that went through. Austin and Rafe later returned with even more damning evidence. Aside from phone and bank records, there's even a photo recorded of John doing illegal things and running around while he was supposed to be paralysed. John insisted that made no sense, proving that he's really been away from Salem for too long.

The situation with John was working to EJ's advantage. He faced off with his brother-in-law during an interview/ debate. Abe accused Elvis of all and sundry. EJ pointed out how incompetent and corrupt the Salem PD are, how the town has declined on Abe's watch and how the mayor has been defending John, the most hated man in Salem and a DiMera to boot. Abe insisted that he cared about the people of Salem. After all, there's nothing more endearing than a city made of village idiots. Even Lexi had to admit that her brother made her husband look like an inflated boob. Speaking of which, Sami marched her booty to work. She was instantly interrupted by her old enemy Kate. She showed up to snap a deal away from Madison and then they exchanged insults about which of them was the oldest and still living in the 80s. Madison took the occasional break from this to flirt with Brady and then claimed she didn't sleep with her co-workers. He decided to send her an equally odd gesture by getting half naked to help moved her furniture. It must have all been done with good intentions though because he'd started shaving again.

And speaking of the 80s... Chad proved that he was the master of romance by showing that he always has a copy of "The Goonies" in his pants. Abby didn't realize this was part of his peculiar Anne Ramsey fetish and his long repressed fantasies involving Corey Feldman. Apparently Abby shares these interests, because she took off her top so he could massage her. As she thought of her long lost cousin Clark "Mouth" Devereaux battling with "Sloth" for pirate booty, Jack raided the booty party to chuck Chadsworth DiMera across the room. Abby was pissed that he was trying to act like her dad again and gave him the boot. Jack got emo and found a bench to cry on. Jenn found him there after mistaking his plaintive wailing for a moored sea cow. Jack said that being a caveman changed him. He begged for another shot to be a family with Abby and Jenn. She said it would be hard because this has all happened so many times in the past. The endless repetition had become too much to bear. To prove it, they repeated these statements endlessly. Daniel then showed up to repeat to Jenn that she taught him how to love again and Jack would hurt her. She knew that but she still loved Jack anyway because he's such a jackass.

Lines of the week:

Jack: I've got one daughter and she's hooking up with the spawn of Dracula?

Nicole: EJ's fresh blood and the people like that.

Victor: You know you have a problem when you come to me for advice on relationships.

Victor: You can't really pay any attention to what women say.

Abe: (to EJ) If you want the crime rate lowered, leave town and take your father with you.

October 7, 2011
John's arrest in Horton Square sent ripples through the town like it was a flabby belly full of indigestible jello being hit with a moldy turnip. Victor was instantly sure of his innocence. After all, John was the most honest person he knew... or, at least one of his personalities was. Black's family freaked out. Sami and Carrie both blamed their men for actually doing their jobs. They're just lucky they're not married to the fashion police or Rafe would have had to take Sami in for dressing so trashy she makes the town's hookers look like nuns. The couples soon made up and made out, although Carrie whined until well into the next day.

Over at the jail, John was let into gen pop. Since he's generally hated, he was beaten to a pulp and then, apparently, filled with starch so that he could keep his meat on his bones. Marlena was horrified that the cops let this happen. Little did she know that the cops usually don't bother letting the victim survive. After telling Marlena to hang tough, Roman promised that step by step they would get to the bottom of the case. Marlena pouted so he said, "Stop it girl," because John has the right stuff. "Baby I believe in you," she told John. That all sounded good to him because he'd just had his face kicked in. Now, whenever he talks, he starts flexing his arms and sucking the air. But that's what making out with Marlena for all of those years taught him. His lawyers gave up on him so Carrie offered to take over his case and quickly got him house arrest. He was placed in an ankle monitor and bulletproof vest. They didn't bother putting protective gear on John's head because they still have a backup of his brain somewhere. Over at the townhouse, John and Marlena decided to relax so they kept pursing their lips and sucking the air like a pair of drag queens smoking imaginary cigarettes in slow motion.

Elvis was enjoying the whole debacle. His sister was pissed though and tore into him. Realizing that she probably still knows some voodoo, he did his best to look ashamed. That wasn't the case when he was around Nicole though. He couldn't stop gloating. She thought this would lead to groping so she was keeping her distance. Molesting her knee, he told Nicky that he needed her to change the way that everyone thinks about him. She wasn't convinced he could pass for human. He said that everyone loves a comeback story and they could both have one. Nicole already had a comeback story -- "Coming Up The Back With Locker-room Lolita," the sequel to "Locker-room Lolita Goes Down." He wasn't to be dissuaded. Elvis knew that he already had the scarf pervert vote, but he needed Nicole and her glistening career to get him the wankers he'd need for a majority. To get them on board, he decided to launch a class action lawsuit against John.

But the most shocking event of the week was that Sami was actually given a job. Even she was shocked. Her kids would have been if they could even remember who she was. Taking off her hooker gear, she put on a scarlet blouse and stumbled over to meet with her new boss. It turned out that she and Salem's newest corporate tycoon, Madison James, actually used to wail on each other on the dangerous playgrounds of Colorado when they were wee ones. Brady was amazed his step-sister actually had a friend once upon a time. He spent most of his sober time this week being amazed by everything that Madison did. After mistaking her for a waitress, he managed to put enough zeroes on a piece of paper to get her to join the Titanic corporation he occasionally remembers to runs. The fact that she was eerily like Taylor, the woman he never managed to sleep with, also helped. But what really won him over was that the act of swaying her hips knocked her so off balance that she landed straight onto his lap. Being far less enamored with bootiful blondes, Kate vowed to battle Madison with every dirty trick for dirty trick, cup for cup, fabric for fabric and smell for smell for control of every square inch of cleavage in the country.

Lines of the week:

Cop: Oops I screwed up.

Bo: A lot of folks dislike him.

Victor: I know nothing about mascara, but I know a good market share.

Sami: I can't believe I'm employed!
September 30, 2011
It's a brand new Salem. At least the town square is brand new, although it's already been crowded with old memories and old characters. It has a couple of shrubs and a mini mall full of semi-vacant stores, not to mention its very own stairs of death and walls that border the pet cemetery. John and Marlena came back and there was clapping. Carrie and Austin came back and there was clapping. Jack came back and there was laughing and then enough tears to turn the square into a duck pond. But even with all of this excitement, EJ still managed to fall asleep in the middle of everything. Or maybe he was just practicing to be the mayor of Salem.

After all of the big festivities ended, Babs and Hope slipped away from Bopapalooza to pick up the seven tonnes of donuts that Jenn had magically conjured that afternoon. As they carted around enough fat to put the whole town in the hospital, they noticed a mysterious batch of letters on the ground. Even though it was Jenn's house, they decided to open the mysterious mail anyway because it was obviously their business. Maybe it was the donuts talking, but even in the midst of mystery Bope were constantly distracted by their gropefest, though not distracted enough not to take the time to call a bunch of banks in the middle of the night and be informed that the envelopes all related to a secret bank account. It seems like Alice isn't exactly who they thought she was.

Alice wasn't the only one breaking character. Chloe was out of bed and on a mission. She confronted Kate for trying to ruin her chances with Parker. Kate reminded her that she had proof that the diva had been doing the missionary in bed with any two bit clam farmer to come through town. Chloe was unphased since her pimp had agreed to vouch for her before he skipped the country to avoid being arrested. Kate seems to have caught Stefano's incapacity to hire the competent. Her assistant Chris returned to help buttress her against the threats of the raging diva. "Amscray!" he wailed at her. Even if Chloe can barely spell her name, she can still speak pig Latin to him and told Kate she was an 'upidstay euroticnay itchbay'. She went off and nailed the audition Brady got for her before she promptly left town with Kinsey as her amanuensis.

Across the square, John and Marlena were reunited with her family. He managed to get out of his wheelchair and continued to impress the audience with his ability to lip wrestle with Marlena. Adding to his feats of strength, he and Austin competed to see which of them could be the most like a marionette hacked out of a Horton tree. But something was off for the returning couple and they were keeping it hidden. Unfortunately for them, the authorities knew all about it and arrested him for embezzlement.

Jack puttered around the square for hours without anyone noticing him. He had an enchanted beard which acted as some sort of cloaking device. Constantly eavesdropping on Dannifer made him disoriented, or nauseous, and he got tipsy on the stairs of death. Lucky for him that he fell into a six foot high cake. It was like falling into a vat of slippery pillows. Daniel was baffled. Jenn fumed. Abby showed up to fume and baffle. Considering that she was wearing some kind of wrestling outfit, everyone expected her to freak out more but she just got emo with Chad. Jenn got emo with Dr. Jonas. He wasn't sure what to think. Perhaps Daniel felt threatened by a man who can actually grow a beard instead of just a five o'clock shadow...

Back at the square, the real upset began. Abe was launching his bid for re-election. Since no one was opposing him and he doesn't even have any staff, it was pretty non-dramatic. Elvis even fell asleep while Lexi was making a speech about it. EJ saw his kids again and then sent them around to post campaign posters of him with 'Elvis' spelled out in macaroni and glitter. After introducing his own millionaire pimp to everyone, he ran up to the stage to declare that he was running. Elvis promised to end the pimping, drug dealing and embezzling. If he hadn't sold off all of those rackets a few months ago, he might have had a better shot at it.

Other things we learned this week: we learned that the true meaning of Tom and Alice is equivalent to an arboretum tree covered in twinkling blue Christmas lights at the end of the summer. What does that mean? I have no idea. John and Marlena thought it looked groovy. But he's on so many tranquilizers, he probably couldn't tell it from a lava lamp. And Victor popped the question to Maggie by projecting his question on the wall. They couldn't afford to get a new sky and the old one was too polluted with fumes from the clam pulping factory to hire a sky writer.

Lines of the week:
Abby: Your timing sucks, Daddy.

Nicole: Politicians are behaving badly. EJ ought to fit right in.

Brady: Why would anyone want to be mayor? All you get is rubber chicken dinners at the Moose Lodge.

September 23, 2011
In the final action-packed week before the new "DOOL" is launched... Yes, that sounds apocalyptic. It wouldn't be as frightening if the reborn show that's been promised didn't sound so eerily like it was trying to duplicate the 1980s. Kate has even been wearing parachute pants to usher it in. But that was nothing compared to the lengthy fashion strut the Salem teens put on at the mansion this week. There was plenty of primping and hair molestation. All they needed was a star wipe to make it complete. The show ended on a down note when Dario had to suddenly leave for Argentina as immediately as his little feet would take him. Mel cried. It was as moving as a "Saved By The Bell" Thanksgiving special.

The fashion show continued elsewhere. Sami was having an anxiety fit over her job interview with some mysterious corporation that doesn't do criminal record checks or seem to care about job experience. Sami was so stressed about it that her brain began retreating and crawled up into her ass, inflating it like a balloon. Once Rafe managed to tear himself away from her badonkadonk, it inflated even more and she began to float around the room until Jenn arrived to pull her down and give her advice about how to get a job. This mostly consisted of getting her to wear different outfits to redistribute her brain matter as it rolled around in her body unsure of how it could escape.

Most of the week's activity, however, was over at the police station. This was disorienting for everyone. The cops stuffed Quinn in a cell and then threatened to lock Taylor up. Nicole dragged Elvis over to help free her sister. However, Nicole walked straight into danger. Chloe had woken up and named Gus as her attacker. The cops circled around him after discovering that he'd been abandoned by his mother on the pier by the steps of doom twenty-five years ago. With a sob story like that he had to be the hooker hitter. After the cops pointed out that he could use Nicole as a human shield, he grabbed her and settled behind some glass. They made Viv claim to care about him so he would soften up and then they charged at him, nearly killing Nicole in the process. He was carted off.

Quinn was freed. He had mixed feelings about leaving the town and his business behind. After all, he'd just heard of a woman whose ass let her float around a room. However, he wanted to prove to Taylor that he cared about her and the best way to do that was to suddenly abandon all the women he'd supposedly been protecting. Since he hadn't been beating women, just sexually exploiting them, the cops and the DA decided to let him go as long as he left town. They didn't want to be stuck doing all that paperwork, particularity since the Salem PD still works by candlelight once night hits. Besides that, pimps do a better job protecting people than they do so Quinn was making them look bad. His decision to leave town depressed his mom, but Viv's misery was short-lived. Ivan magically showed up at exactly the right moment and offered to fly her off to Bollywood with him so he could make her a star. Since this was the least ridiculous thing she'd heard since returning to Salem, she agreed.

Carly was rehabilitated. Everyone forgave everyone and then there were cupcakes. She even wrote out a Hallmark card for the hospital to apologize for nearly killing all those people while she was baked. The hospital will forgive her, of course, because 'nearly killing people' counts as a win over there. Over at the hospital, Chloe magically recovered. Brady managed to get her reward money and an audition in Chicago so that she could start over. He and Nicole also decided to split up so she could start over. And then Stefano gave Elvis his blessing to become the queen he's always wanted to be.

Note: Matt can't remember much of Friday's episode. He and Chrissi from Soaps.com decided to play a drinking game that day. Every time someone said 'donut', he had to take a swig of the vodka he keeps on his desk for days just like this. He only lasted halfway through the show and has no recollection of it. The above was dictated over the Arctic payphone he woke up beside this morning wearing no more than a pair of pants he didn't recognize and a Groucho Marx mustache.

Lines of the week:

Viv: My son would never hurt another woman!

Viv: You're one messed up little manservant.

Bo: You've got a building full of cops. No one's got a gun.

Viv: My knight in shining harem pants.

September 16, 2011
The hunt for the hooker hitter went on. Mist covered the pier to add some atmosphere. Miraculously, it also made clues easier to find. It helped that Gus had planted them as obviously as possible. Babs and Hope followed them like pigeons picking up bread crumbs. They're lucky that criminals are doing all of the hard work for them. It left them plenty of time to make out in the office and stuff their faces with stewed gourds as they were party planning. Apparently nothing makes cops frisker or hungrier than a town full of battered hookers. Hope still has to feed Babs his meals, just like she dresses him in the morning before Ciara makes his breakfast. She was shocked that he was eating his vegetables. "Who needs a bit of flesh on a toothpick when I've got you," he said. I'll spare you the spectacle of Sami and Rafe making PDAs so graphic that the clam chowder on their table returned to life, evolved its own teeth and digestive tract and then ate itself to avoid coming in contact with their saliva.

As the cops canoodled and waited for other people to do their work, Gus swiped Quinn's key and planted enough evidence in his room to make a fruit salad look guilty. Quinn spent most of the week hooking up with Taylor. As soon as he climbed out from between her legs, she tipped him off that Chloe was in a coma. If she'd managed pillow talk like that with EJ, maybe they'd still be together. Quinn did the obvious thing and called the coma case to leave her a message: "If you wake up a few years from now and receive this message, your career has probably taken a nosedive and stranded you back in Salem. Call me at my number is Australia where I'll be an infomercial star." Viv swanned in and yanked the couple out of bed and over to Chez Rouge for dinner, rapidly charming Taylor with her tales of the fashion world, proving once again that Taylor really is so slow that working for the Salem PD was the ideal job.

Brady holed up in Chloe's room. Lexi pointed out that the diva had negligible brain activity so he launched what seemed like his own PBS pledge drive for his ex-wife. He played her old songs and talked about the old days, how important it was to keep her around, how the world needed someone like her to give it culture and beauty, etc. Chloe continued to wear the polished glaze of an artificial vegetable. Finally, Nicole dragged him away from this seance and over to Chez Rouge for some food that had at least been microwaved since it had been vacuum-packed.

With Maggie busy explaining to Victor that she was too virtuous to live with a man she wasn't married to, Chez Rouge was left to hop with a steady stream of traffic. EJ and Kate ate there twice. She told him he needed a trophy wife. He pointed out that he already had one. He's married to a porn star. Hooking up with someone who knows how to have sex on a professional level is the consolation prize for anyone who has survived being married to Sami. Kate thought he needed a wife like her. He stopped short of reminding her that he already had her and dropped her because you can't take a woman old enough to be your mother home to mama. Nicole stopped in and he offered her champagne. Even with her massive separation settlement, Nicole couldn't turn down a free drink. He got flirty and nostalgic. She left, but later returned with Brady. EJ gorped at them. Stefano joined his son and gorped at his gorping. It was giving him indigestion. When Brady stepped aside for a minute, EJ strode over to his wife and started chasing her around the floor until it turned into a dance routine, or at least a Marx Brothers' routine. All of their feelings for each other began filling their loins up like the water wings worn in a pool of throbbing sexual energy. It was the magic of the dance. Lord of the Dance DiMera finally whipped out a rose from between their legs in one of the most hyper-symbolic acts ever to come to Salem. This was only matched by Gabi trying to blackmail Will into sex by proving that she can use a billiard stick better than he can to knock all of the balls on the table into a hole.

Lines of the week:
Kate: I said a wife, not a tarantula.

Kate: You're everything a woman should want... except human.

September 9, 2011
It was another hospital heavy week in Salem. Not for Daniel, of course, he was busy canoodling for most of it with Lady Flavortonsils. This left the town's health and welfare under the watchful stare of Lexi. Actually, it seemed more like Maxine was in charge. She kept breaking Lexi's staring contest with thin air to make her putter around on her rounds. At home, Sami could barely control herself thanks to her anxiety over her test results. She was so freaked out that even her sweater seemed to be having an identity crisis. When Lexi called to arrange a meeting, Sami leaped out the window and jumped rooftop to rooftop until she reached the hospital. Since the doctor was busy, Sami broke into her office and hacked into her computer for the results. Her husband found her hiding under the desk. He thought that was funny, proving that he's suffered from overexposure to Samantha and has finally become incapable of crying at the inhumanity.

Even in a coma, Chloe could still talk, not that it made much difference. She squeezed Brady's hand, which he thought was a miracle. Maxine was less impressed. If she'd ever had a conversation with the diva, she'd have realized that hand squeezing was the most intelligent bit of communication she'd done in years. Maxine brought in the scrapbook from Chloe's previous comas so they could track her changing hairstyles. Brady was astonished by how consistently glamorous she managed to look until Maxine admitted that they rent out their coma cases to a beautician's school at night for a little extra cash. Chloe's hooking still made no sense to Brady. After all, he knew full well how much she got in the divorce settlement from him, not to mention what she got from Philip and Daniel. Even without that, she could have sold off her vast collection of designer outfits and jewels on eBay and still made a decent living without being forced to strip down completely. All of this was enough to distract him from Nicole making more overtures about how they were meant to be together. It was even enough to momentarily distract Daniel from his incessant wooing of Jenn. He took a break to nearly vomit on Chloe in horror (and no, I'm not exaggerating that). He begged Roman to track down the animal who did it, even if that meant breaking the law. Roman assured him that was all in hand.

Bo and Hope continued doing their police work, aided in no small part from editing tricks they'd learned from "CSI." There's only so much you can do without a pair of sunglasses though. They still couldn't understand why Chloe was in the dangerous part of town, which is apparently the alley around the corner from the Cheatin' Heart and across the street from the pier. Basically, Salem's bad neighbourhood is the only neighbourhood we ever see anyone in. And they wonder what makes it so bad... The cops drove Mandy up to Chloe's coma room door to push her over the edge into helping them out again. Once she was thoroughly disoriented, the wheeled her onto the set of Salem's version of "Art Attack" to give her description to a sketch artist, who doodled out what Gus would have looked like if he'd been a character on "King of the Hill."

Mel and Nicholas were allowed to take their mom to the lunch room at rehab for a picnic. They scooped her up in their arms and skipped down the hall with their pic-a-nic like they were off to see the wizard. It wasn't the emerald city at the end of the hall though, just some pub sandwiches and plastic goblets of water. Ranger Smith, er Dr. Norman, dropped by to congratulate them on successfully eating together and then opened up her big book of Oprahisms to dole out wisdom. Carly seemed to be hopscotching through her twelve steps. The doctor was impressed. "I'm smarter than the average stoner!" Carly cooed. In other exciting news: Gabi admitted to Abby that Will had been avoiding sex with her. Without a bed covered in candy wrappers, he seemed completely turned off. She worried that he was less interested in her than he was in having a Mr. Big to get on top off. And Victor asked Maggie to move in permanently. She was slightly disturbed by the word 'permanently', since when that comes out of Victor's mustachioed lips, that usually means dead.

Lines of the week:

Brady: It's kinda like Groundhog Day.

Sami: I don't like facts!

September 2, 2011
Stefano was away all week. He'd sealed himself into the sadness sanctuary right beside the angry dome at Casa DiMera so he could weep over Little Lord Chadsworth dumping him as a dad. Since he was inconsolable, Kate got busy doing busy behind his back. She turned to Victor with an offer to help set up Wilhelmina Cosmetics again. He told her to get lost and then told Brady to put Nicole out with the trash. Apparently his new romance isn't making him soft anymore, no matter how much snuggling he does with the Magster. Over at Casa DiMera, EJ and Kate traded some accusations, she felt up his stubble and he finally decided to jump back into the proverbial bed with him since her other ex wasn't interested in assuming the position.

Gus fantasized about his Madame finally showing him the love he's always wanted. Instead, Viv sent him out to buy her son a sipping cup. He moped around Salem as Babs and Hope continued to confuse police work with making videos. They whipped out the old camera once Hope had convinced Mandy that she knew all about what it was like to be involved in an attack on the pier. Of course, she didn't tell her that she usually did the attacking. Once the detective had manipulated the terrified and medically numbed woman enough, they brought in half the Salem PD to gang probe her for information until she was so traumatized they had to stop. The detectives went back to their normal routine of sitting on their hands and waiting until the victim calmed down so they could try again. The second time around, they managed to learn that the attacker has a round head and eyes.

The panic in the streets for streetwalkers continued. Technically, they don't call hookers streetwalkers in Salem since they aren't allowed on the town's single street and have to meet their clients in alleys. Quinn decided to class up the enterprise by calling them 'dumpster divas', which was a mild improvement on the rival pimp's stable of 'hotel hos'. Quinn got proactive and called a moratorium on hooking while the attacker was still loose. While he spent most of the week trying to convince Taylor that he had traded in his gold chains for a heart of gold, Chloe was frustrated by her lack of business opportunities. After watching baby Parker spit up on her image during a video conference, she couldn't control herself anymore. She was sure she had to get her booty into action or lose her baby for good. Kinsey pointed out that she could always be a waitress -- the one job not related to crime or crime fighting in Salem -- but the diva looked at her like she'd been licking the giant toads outside the Brady pub. She decided to go out to work again and was soon attacked. Brady and Nicole were called out of their latest game of hot dog in the jungle to help Kinsey search for the diva in distress. They found her behind some beer kegs and took her to the hospital.

Sami worried about having cancer. Rafe gave her a pep talk and they made out. Lexi showed up to say they still didn't know anything. Sami worried about having cancer. Rafe gave her a pep talk and they made out. Lexi showed up to say they still didn't know anything. Sami worried about having cancer. Rafe gave her a pep talk and they made out. Lexi showed up to say they still didn't know anything. While all of that was going on, Will and the other teens went down to Salem beach, the most grass covered area in the fair city. At least it smells like salty fish. T made an ass of himself, lashing out at Sonny and mocking Dannifer. While he went off to troll on an internet forum, Sonny had to remind Will once again that his girlfriend has a nice body. Dannifer took a break from hanging out with people less than half their age (he only does that when he's available) and went to the hotel to sing 80s emo songs and try to figure out how you can have sex while you are each wrapped in a different sheet.

Lines of the week:
Quinn: Bollocks! You've got me.

Quinn: You were shagging your sister's husband. You're no Joan of Arc.

Daniel: What's up with T? Is he too cool to have a whole name?

Victor: I don't know what barn you were raised in, but in this house we knock before barging into a conversation.

August 26, 2011
The latest comical mob war ended without a casualty, which meant that a few competent criminals had to get to work fast to fill the crime void. The reign of Salem's latest mysterious, black gloved attacker continued. Everyone started to worry, though not former gloved attacker EJ, who didn't seem to care. However, his fellow former gloved psychopath, Hope, was taking the whole thing very personally. Also taking it personally were Quinn and Taylor, especially since the mess was seriously hurting his already ill-run business. The pimp and Elvis' former paramour had a familiar debate about who would be going down first.

The attacks were rattling all the working girls in town. Chloe's brain finally started working again. Apparently all of the sex with strange men finally dislodged it from her bosoms and let it roll back into her cranium. She realized that Kate must have been the one who had plotted her leg spreading downfall. The diva yodeled at her. Kate was unimpressed, but things got particularly brutal when Chloe pointed out how much her old enemy actually sucks at trying to take her down. This insult hit Kate so deeply that she began wearing a jacket that made it look as though her chest were exploding.

EJ spent only a few minutes bickering with Nicole and Taylor this week. Flirting amid the ruins of a relationship seemed to agree with him. His skin became as pink as one of his shirts and the grey in his hair seemed to fade. Over at Casa DiMera, his father decided to take a break and step out of the business. Kate stroked her blue streak and then leapt into attempting to re-launch her old cosmetics line with DiMera funds. Elvis squashed that, infuriating her, and they launched into the kind of flirtatious insulting that he does with all of his ex-bed partners. Of course, he shouldn't have been so glib about it. Outsmarting Kate doesn't take much: Chloe's been doing it for years.

Chad and Abby compared whose GPA was bigger. Apparently they think this is related to swapping DNA. Gabi had the much less convoluted plan of trying to pull Will into his bedroom to whip up baby batter. He quickly looked for excuses. He found one when they stumbled on the mountain of pregnancy tests that Sami had left behind. If he hadn't been gay, the prospect of his mother breeding another sprog would have been enough to put him off. Salem's little old woman in a locker-room sent all of her children off to Caroline's so she could freak out with Rafe alone. Lexi had informed her that she wasn't carrying Rafe's DNA, just some cysts. The doctor warned they could be cancerous. Considering she mistook Maggie for dead earlier, Sami should have been a little more skeptical. She flipped out anyway and Rafe did the only thing he could think of to try and stop her from contemplating the bliss of eternal paradise - stuffing her gullet with fried dough of every variety. He finally rolled Sami home and assured her that God loves her, he just doesn't want to have to see her any time soon.

Nicole and Brady debated about how bad they were for each other. Since she has very unique standards for what constitutes crapulent in the relationship department, he was still passing as Captain Incredible. She flitted off to surf the interwebs and dig up dirt on her sister. It was more than the Salem PD did when they hired her. Nicole easily found a mug shot of Saint Taylor, but the fallen one insisted that it was just an arrest from a human rights protest. And speaking of protesting... Babs and Hope kept complaining to Roman about how they were not allowed to do their jobs. He didn't care so they whined to the DA, who didn't care much either. Then they complained to Abe, who they managed to guilt into giving them all the resources they wanted to hunt for the prostitute attacker. Immediately after that, they took time off to have a strange carnal carnival where he dipped his banana waffles in her lumpy oatmeal.

Lines of the week:

Hope: It's cheap paper you could buy anywhere.
Bo: So the perp must know his way around.

Nicole: (of Mel) I know everyone thinks she's a darling but she's just a little bitch.

Chloe: (to Kate) I am living proof of what a loser you really are.

August 19, 2011
Carly hurtled over to the pub in her new plaid outfit. Quinn dropped her off there so she could finally seek some help with the aid of her family. In spite of Carly blurting out Quinn's name and knowing where he lived, these clues proved fruitless to anyone actually figuring who or where her mysterious benefactor was. Viv knew, of course, and soon outed her son as her son to the drug addled doctor. Carly started gobbling pills again, not that any of the cops, doctors, or rehab personnel she was in contact with noticed that she was as wasted as sense on Sami. The doctor was bundled off to rehab and forced to join in Salem's only reality TV show: Detox Cam. It turned out that her son Nicholas loved watching this show while he was sipping avocado smoothies and snarfing turtle eggs. He recognized his mom and teleported over wearing no more than one of the ill fitting suits his dead father had left behind. Carly barely recognized him, and it wasn't just the drugs she was on. He seemed to be on some magical anti-aging drugs, or maybe it was just the effect of being out of Salem, or it could be from the spell Kate cast on him when they were playing hide the hotdog. "I always get older, but they always stay the same age," she used to say.

Salem's leading pimp wasn't totally kindhearted though. Quinn was still being a drag on Chloe. Although she'd managed to work for a full two hours and impress some drunken patrons of the Cheatin' Heart, this was still enough for social services to think she was almost a fit mother again. Such are the standards in Salem. Her little friend, Kinsey, decided that being friends with Tad had no benefits. Being friendly with strange men for money sounded much more beneficial so she entered the fastest growing career field in town -- prostitution. She snagged one of the diva's clients, but got cold feet when she started stripping down for him. She called Chloe in to the rescue. After the diva yodelled the man into submission, she lambasted Kinsey for being stupid, even by Salem standards.

And speaking of stupid by Salem standards... Hope continued to dig around in the alleys for clues about who could be randomly attacking prostitutes. She was taking the case personally, which makes sense since her alternative personality used to randomly attack men. The cop ran into Justin, who also spends most of his time poking around in garbage, his wife works behind a dumpster after all. Babs was at the station doing his best to contravene Roman's orders to drop the case. Roman insisted there wasn't enough manpower to pursue it and then went to the pub to drink with Quinn.

Chad got his first real taste of what it means to be a DiMera. He was shot by an incompetent hit man. Actually, since his mother was killed by the steps of doom, I guess he already knows what it means to be part of the family. Elvis took him to the hospital and assured him that the family could protect him. That meant a lot to him since EJ's only been shot twice and had his brains kicked out of his head under DiMera protection. Chad decided the safer option was to disown his father. Stefano's heart broke and the Phoenix went up to his room to cry like a little girl while Kate browbeat her stepson for being a bully. Chad moved out anyway. He and Abby did plenty of bonding as she compulsively took off his shirt to 'tend to his wound'. They had a picnic and then he threatened to make T
ad his bitch when the Tadmeister was attempting to besmirch Sonny's reputation.

Back at the hospital, Lexi assumed Maggie was a goner. They took her off of life support and declared her dead. A little later, Lexi noticed that she was actually breathing. Victor was relieved and everyone else went back to worrying about other things as if being shot was no worse than catching food poisoning at the pub. Then again, maybe it's hard to tell the difference between a bullet wound and a meal cooked by a Brady. Sami was feeling queasy after eating her artichoke dip. She started thinking she might be pregnant. She took a test but read it wrong, which makes sense considering that she doesn't know how birth control works either. Rafe took her to the hospital to see if his old beans were really sprouting but the blood test came back with news she wasn't expecting.

Lines of the week:

Taylor: (to Brady and Nicole) You are sick and you are sicker.

Victor: (to bloody EJ) Is that what I think it is?

Viv: (to Carly) Do you get your drugs from the hospital coffers or do you meet your drug dealer at the toxic waste dump? August 12, 2011
It was a bad week in the history of hired goonery. The CEO of the Salem's largest hitman outlet -- Cheap Shots -- contacted me in tears to bemoan the way that they were being presented in the media. "While we have no problem with the police being depicted like the Keystone Cops or the mob families behaving like the Three Stooges, we draw the line when decent hard working thugs are depicted as incompetent mimbos who can't keep their guns in their pants," Rosco Van Upperchuck said. Why all the upset?

First, Marco accidentally used Maggie's guts to try redecorating the Salem pier. It wasn't just that the blood was a bad match for the browning brain matter already all over the place, but its rusty red clashed atrociously with the goat vomit green which is usually daubed around to make the pier such a classy destination for young couples and longshoremen with their hos. (As a side note, Marco has already been offered a place in the Australian branch of Quinn's escort network.) Second, Dimitry accidentally took aim at Chadsworth. It seemed that he couldn't tell the DiMera men apart in spite of their radically different accents. Part of this was due to the fact that Chaddington had been practicing his DiMera body language all week -- slightly slouching, speaking with his hands in a way that didn't always match what he was saying, drinking at inopportune moments -- but it doesn't excuse the fact that you should still be able to tell the difference between pink and black. Dimitry, who is as stupid as he is handsome, proved that the crime families in town really seem to hire their goons based on their looks rather than their skills.

The handiwork of the goons led to Maggie being stuck in the operating room. Daniel opened her up and dug around until she flatlined. Lexi had to explain that red was dead. He refused to believe it so the pervy doctor massaged her chest until she spontaneously came back to life. Victor should have started to worry. After all, when Daniel usually opens up a woman, he can't resist going back to poke around some more. Instead, Victor sat around covered in blood and grumbling as one person after another showed up to ask him not to retaliate. That's basically all Bope did this week, which made them seem more like traffic cops than detectives. They were kicked off the case and then put back on a few times. Not that it mattered since, at his best, all Babs can do is grit his teeth and squint while Hope stares and talks about Alice.

But most of the week was about the crime families failing to secure peace and bickering about the past. EJ seemed almost possessed by Tony. He was repeating most of the dialogue his dead brother used on him during the last DiMera-Kiriakis war (or was it the one before that? Or the one before that?). Stefano couldn't take it anymore. His son was so weak that being exposed to him made him so weak he collapsed. EJ almost let him die but Chad saved him before Kate had the chance to die her blue hair black.

Elvis and Taylor argued about whether he'd changed or not. And then they argued about it some more. And then some more. It went back and forth like a scarf in a gust of wind. EJ was so exhausted by it that he had to drink a bottle of booze and dance around the pier. To make up for not attending American high school, EJ handed Nicole notes to hand to Brady. "I hear he like, y'know, likes you... like like likes you," he drunkenly burped. She took the scribbles to Brady, who had just asked Taylor to move in. She turned him down, so he asked Nicole to move in. Then he read the note and told EJ he refused to come down and dance with him, no matter what kind of booze he had. It nearly hurt Elvis' feelings when Brady told him to go to Hell. But if Brady really meant that, he'd of threatened to lock him in a cell with Sami. Meanwhile, after hearing that someone had unloaded on Maggie, Sami was inspired to create new forms of purgatory by asking a drowsy Rafe if he wanted to knock her up. And Will did the deed with Gabi. He instantly started worrying about whether he knew his way around the female anatomy and fulfilled her needs. For most men, showing this kind of concern actually means they think their partners suck in the sack. With Will, of course, it means something else. But while confused gay men sleeping with women is easy to understand, Quinn's ongoing devotion to Carly, the woman he's kept detoxing in his room, remains completely inexplicable. Although the potpourri at the Salem Inn is hardly first rate, surely it must beat the rank stench that accompanies drug withdrawal as the addict loses control of all of their bodily functions.

Lines of the week:

Nicole: You slept with my husband, remember? You gave up the right to give me advice.

EJ: (to Chad) Run, run away as fast as you can.

EJ: (to Taylor) Run, run as fast as you can.

Lexi: (to Stefano) If only you were a bricklayer instead of a gangster, we could have a wonderful relationship.

August 4, 2010
It was a good week in Salem for the buzzards. A little fresh blood on the pier would mean that they had plenty to get excited about. The town was thrown into chaos when Maggie was shot. If it had only been EJ, no one would have blinked. Or if, at least, she'd been attacked by the stairs of doom that loom around every corner, it wouldn't have been so traumatic. But, we're getting ahead of ourselves....  The showdown that spilled the redhead's blood came after everyone spent a lot of time trying to make sure nothing happened. Although having nothing happen is normal, in Salem that is usually the result of people actually try to do something. It turns out that the same thing happens if you do the opposite. Most of the players just repeated dialogue from all of the other times that this has happened. However, Maggie wound up being the one stuck in the role of pavement decorator. She was accidentally shot when she crashed Victor and Stefano's mob negotiation. She should have known better. You can't have sex on a soap when you're unmarried without it going badly. Since pregnancy wasn't an option and the wardrobe they were making her wear was causing seizures in the audience, TPTB decided just to drop a bullet in her.

The rest of the week was far more random. It was so random that the editors were actually cutting in pieces of twenty year old episodes just to fill space without any explanation. Taking another cue from the movies, Kinsey and Tad decided to be friends with benefits and went to the Salem hotel to sexercise. She stuck her head out the door and noticed Chloe having money shoved in her bra. Since Kinsey's spent enough time staring at the diva's chest, she figured out that she wasn't just getting a cleavage makeover. This didn't deter her from bedding down with Tad though. However, it turned out that he sucks in bed, even if he spends most of his time now ass slapping with the frat boys of Salem. Disappointed Kinsey decided to support Chloe's new career and even began taking appointments for her.

All things weren't going well for Salem's wide eyed singer. Kate stalked around town attempting to destroy her. Even though the diva is a walking disaster all on her own, this proved to be harder than it sounded. Kate's plan to use the john to out the singer as a skank for hire was derailed thanks to Quinn. They threatened each other. He actually got scared, but it might have just been because she was dressed like a pirate who escaped from a Brazilian carnivale float. He told his mom. Viv went into a panic. She was lucky he didn't tell her that he was hiding Carly in his bedroom. The doctor spent most of the week cowering under a duvet to protect herself from the wardrobe department. That didn't mean she could keep away all of her disturbing hallucinations. However, she could tell they weren't real because Daniel and Mel were speaking in coherent sentences and Lawrence is more affable as a ghost than he ever was alive. And speaking of Daniel, he and Jenn confessed that they loved each other following yet another breakup argument.

Across town, Sonny had to explain to Will that Gabi was hot. If you grow up with a cross dressing mother, you get a bit confounded when it comes to the female form. Will began looking for ways to get into her pants, but the clam chowder crowd kept interrupting them. Meanwhile, Sami and Rafe hung out. She tried getting in his pants. Because he'd seen one of those sex ed videos where they show a train going through a tunnel, he couldn't concentrate. He started feverishly fixing toys. The laughing penguin breathed a sigh of relief until Sami got seductive by stuffing her mouth with popped corn and then mounting Rafael on top of a care bear.

Lines of the week:

Lawrence: It's Hell, but it's gotta be better than Hell on earth.

Maggie: We're not as young as we used to be but we're not dead.

July 29, 2010
Elvis returned to the DiMera wing of the hospital to let the brain matter is his head settle back into its usual slump. Having Nicole shake it like one of those fortune telling 8 balls seemed to jog his memory and he began putting together the pieces of who kicked the stuffing (if not the crap) out of his head. Having Taylor around to coo at helped him put things in perspective. Talking to him made her want to drink so she ran away, but not before Stefano could corner her and offer her enough dough to float her cannoli out of the burg. It wasn't that tempting. She got wasted on mai tais at the Cheatin' Heart instead. Brady joined her and they drank enough to amass a collection of mini umbrellas to keep all of the rats in the alley dry in a storm. This good deed would not go unpunished and Brady wound up in a lip lock with her. Nicole stormed in and ordered him to leave town with her immediately. He refused after learning that his beat down on EJ had rekindled the Englishman's shoe fetish. This was why he once went after Kate, the 'Imelda Marcos of Salem' after all, and why he was now fixated on Mel and her foot gear. He showed off that rare martial art that only the British have ever mastered: being able to twist someone's wrist and threaten them while sipping tea daintily.

Carly's downward spiral continued. Not only was she a famous surgeon working at the mob hospital of a town that smells like clams, she was dumped by Babs for the woman who tried to burn him alive and then rejected by the skankiest doctor on the East Coast. Viv snuck into her room to shove pills and water down her gullet and then leaked images of it to the interwebs. Of course, everyone in Salem keeps their eyes on TheSinsOfSalem.com and they were shocked to get a break from the re-runs of Phelanie porn, Bricole porn, EJ and Kate's boardroom romp, the Sexy Scarves Hookup page, Nick Fallon's prison blog, the health reports about the latest substances found in the clam chowder of the Brady pub, Quinn's escort reviews page, Victor's weekly op ed column, the police brutality reports that get filed everyday etc. so it was only moments until Carly swimming in pills was on everyone's radar. Jenn rushed over to wash her friend's mouth out with soap. That's the all-purpose cure that Alice taught her to use. It works on cursing, drug overdoses and even as a way of preventing STDs. Carly puked so much that some of her genetic code went down the toilet and she began regressing into an ape like creature. Daniel and Mel rushed over to worry but Carly leaped out the window to scour the town for random booze. She found a stash of bottles left behind by hobos. After sucking them down, she probably realized it wasn't beer left inside of them and passed out. A fuzzily coiffed gentleman then attempted to molest her Neanderthal style mane before being kicked away from the dumpster and into the fish processing plant by Quinn. He proceeded to take her back to his digs and sober her up with a private showing of his pecs. She moaned to him about her life and he acted like a good samaritan.

It was also a week all about making friends. Kate and Nicole bonded over their alcoholism as they shared morning vodka shots and discussed being in love with DiMeras. Before they could start comparing bedroom notes on EJ, Nicole ran off to tell Brady she loved him. Meanwhile, the DA tried to mend fences with his former son. Chadsworth wanted nothing to do with Chuck's overtures and would rather spend his time watching EJ inhaling melons. As Charles was trying to remember the Charlie Brown shuffle of shame, Will, Sonny and the rest of the teens continued coping with being trapped in a bland after school special about being gay in New England. The show was condemned to do this as punishment for refusing to acknowledge that Gus is gay. Victor even stuck his mustache in to moralize. That turned Maggie on so much that she literally jumped into his lap to ask for a mustache ride.

Lines of the week:
Stefano: (to Taylor) I believe that you have destroyed my son's spirit. Please go away so I can revive him.

Dude: (to the cops) In this town you can set your husband on fire and get away with it.

Viv: She was supposed to be having the DTs not clam chowder!

Abby: (to Jenn) Did you have a lobotomy that I didn't know about?

Victor: You insist on thinking the worst about me... and 98 percent of the time you're right.

July 22. 2011

Please note that Matt was too distraught to write this week's edition of the musings because of the traumatic events that tore up the screen. Instead, his doppelganger, Marvin Vinegar, had to be called in to try and make sense of the madness.

This week saw the demise of the most treasured scumbag to float through the Salem sewer in recent years. I'm speaking of course of Arnold "Arnie" Finnegar, sometimes known as RoboRafe, the double, the impostor or the creature. He had as many alternative names as facial expressions, which still managed to be about twice as many as the original Rafe. Arnold accomplished the seemingly impossible: he was the only man to be involved with Sami who seemed like a good fit. I never fell asleep during her scenes with him, their dialogue didn't sound recycled or trite, and they didn't make me want to puke whenever they were on screen. Somehow, Arnie was exactly what she deserved and provided the only bright spot in the last decade of dreary Sami stories.

What else can you say about a man like Arnie? He had an incomprehensible form of intelligence. He was stupid enough to outsmart the DiMeras, but dumb enough to be outsmarted by the Salem PD. However, the rookies at the SPD proved that they could still outdo his dumbness. They wound up accidentally getting him killed by placing him in a cell with some murderous thugs that original Rafe sent to the clink. Babs and Hope rushed in to belch their disappointment. It was made worse by the fact that they'd just been bragging to the DA about how awesome they were. Hope had just been pardoned thanks to a mob favor called in by Victor and the Salem PD finally came close to solving a case. That all went south and the DiMeras left with smiles on their faces.

Sami went into tantrum mode twice. First, she flipped out at Rafe for having a life before he met her. That life apparently included his former FBI partner, Sofia. Second, she crashed into Casa DiMera, throwing papers, pens, parakeets, cough drops and coffee until Elvis finally explained that he was granting her custody of the children. She's so obviously in tune with how toddlers behave that any other option seemed impossible. Although making Sami happy might have given him one less headache, at least for a few minutes, that wasn't to last. He had a barney with his papa and then began to spazz. His brain evidently realized what he had just condemned the children to and refused to co-operate with the rest of his body any longer. It began to beat him up from the inside, hurling him to the floor and dragging him around by the face. Nicole strolled in to watch. There was no booze to pour so she tried squeezing his head to see if any would come out of his leaky head hole. When that failed, she dropped him off at the hospital. His brain drainage magically put him in mind of Mel and visions of her footwear began dancing in his head.

Chloe got job advice from Kinsey, who pointed out that there was work outside of the four blocks of Salem she never leaves. Kate was furious that the opera singing hooker with a heart of gold but no pocket change might have a chance to sing for a sandwich and decided to mark her as dead meat. Meanwhile, Jennifer Rose continued to run away from Daniel in the hopes that he would pick up with Carly and give her mouth something to do other than gag down pills. This left Jenn's mouth free to run all over town babbling about her matchmaker's guide to rehab. Maggie saw through all of this but Jenn was reluctant to take her advice. Considering the fact that the redhead has started dressing like a Deadhead with exceptionally bad taste, who can blame her? While Daniel continued to be befuddled by everything, Chadsworth got a few things straight with the man who used to be his father as they came close to blows in a bar. And 'T' Taddington flipped out when he found out that Sonny was gay and had seen him with his top off.

Lines of the week:

Kinsey: I want to die and come back as Chloe Lane!

Phelps: What's the deal with the diva of darkness?

Sami: I would rather fight with you than think about this crap.

Arnold: Rawrrr!

T.: Mr. Wonderful rides the other bus.
July 15, 2011
Taylor finally confronted EJ for the crimes of killing Fay and putting a second Rafe into the world. Even EJ knew there was no excuse for this so he oscillated between apologizing and stuttering like he'd been infected with a computer virus. She stormed off to pout to her hung-over sister about how stupid she'd been. This left Elvis at home for some family melodramatics. Stefano disowned him. Lexi wished he'd go to jail. Chad didn't know what to do so he decided to do nothing. This actually impressed EJ. Now he's not the only passive and relatively aimless person in the house. For the rest of the week, Elvis did the Charlie Brown shuffle of shame around town. He hunted down Taylor at Nicole's to apologize and offer to explain. He didn't explain but he apologized a lot. She had nothing to say to him and said it for most of an episode. Then he shuffled down to the pier in the hopes that the antics of clam farmers would brighten his spirits. Instead, he was greeted with a PDA from Rafe and Sami. He gagged until Johnny knocked the air out of his father by disowning him.

Over at the Salem PD, Hope told Babs that Robo had made some lewd suggestions about Ciara. Babs bristled like a horny bear so she had to pat his curls until he calmed down. The DA bothered Abe to give Hope the sack. He was the only person to figure out that a felon shouldn't be running an investigation. Particularly one that involved members of her own family and the victims of her crimes. She continued anyway and was reinstated by the end of the week thanks to Victor calling in some favors from the governor. That's Brady justice. But the true identity of RoboRafe was finally revealed. His name is actually Arnold. He was the unwanted son of a fishwife and bodybuilder. After being abandoned, he was raised on a reality TV series about children being raised by robots. Following this, he became a notorious vending machine robber with a badly misguided side career as a door to door porn salesman in Utah. Finally he became the regional manager for WacArnolds until he had a nervous breakdown and went to live in a dumpster by the pier. That's where EJ met him since it was the special place he uses when he needs to cry.

Sonny was introduced to the teenyboppers of Salem when he showed up at the beach with Will's errant ball in his hand. Kinsey caught sight of him and offered him her donut for breakfast. Sonny tried to avoid the glare of young William's glistening muscles. After he left, Will had something to think about when he closed his eyes to kiss Gabi. Kinsey strode off and tried to make friends with Nicole, who was depressed enough to talk to her. Sonny decided to bite the bullet and go see Uncle Victor for the least dramatic coming out scene in the history of television. Meanwhile, his parents gabbed to Maggie about his sex life and did a PSA for PFLAG. Adrienne and Justin wondered if it was all caused by something they'd done. To explain it, the compassionate mother admitted that she gave her son some "Brokeback Mountain" curtains when he was a child and that's how he knew he was gay. Across town, Daniel moped about Jenn and got so drunk that he couldn't swear properly. Mel showed up to try and give him a pep talk while Carly hung out at the pier in the middle of the night and then claimed she wasn't looking for drugs or prostitutes.

Lines of the week:

Hope: I'll tell you all about it once I delouse.

Nicole: If you're looking for an ally, you must have done brain surgery on yourself down in that basement.

Kinsey: That dude is sex on a stick.

July 8, 2011
As Salem's future generations dealt with the trauma of an hour without the internet by discussing Hollywood movies, Nicole got drunk. That's not new of course, but Brady managed to stay sober just long enough to catch the rerun of Dario and Mel sucking face. The young Hernandez discovered that he can get along better with a woman by not talking. Dario managed to distract her from staring at the gum on the floor long enough to chew his tongue. Otherwise, she was just chewing the cud with Abby. They discussed their parents' relationship. Apparently, somebody had to because Jenn and Daniel aren't mature enough to actually have a conversation about it together, only with other people. Meanwhile, Carly stumbled around town trying to stay clean and sober, which is hard enough in a town where the air is so rancid and smelly that people walk the alleys in the hopes of being sprayed by skunks.

Chloe waded in filth this week as she took on another of Quinn's johns. She did the deed this time after being threatened once again by the arbitrarily evil Aussie. Kate skulked around gathering evidence by conducting Salem's tradition door-to-door "rate your whore" survey. Chloe's john gave her the seven clam rating. Meanwhile, EJ and Taylor ignored his impending doom to knock mops and mix up some baby batter.

RoboRafe finally got free thanks to a drunken Nicole stumbling on him and buying his story that he was the real Rafe. Like anyone who had been tied up for what seems like weeks, he ran from the basement of the bowling alley in search of the nearest toilet. Casa DiMera was conveniently across the street. RetroRafe was already in there and gave up pretending to be pretend Rafe. The DiMeras were shocked that a plot that has failed so many times could turn out this badly. Why didn't Stefano and EJ just call Meredith back to town to get rid of Rafe? It's not like the hired help are up to the task, or much of any other task. The only people on the DiMera payroll who actually manage to foil the cops are Mary and Harold.

The big showdown finally came. Sami couldn't stand by and let the police do their job so she stormed in just as Taylor was looking for an explanation about why there were two Rafes standing in the house with equally stupid looks on their faces. Although Stefano and EJ hauled out some sarcasm and challenged the Salem PD to actually prove something for once, Taylor was still perplexed. Her head sputtered like it was being kicked by a pack of randy goats. Sami hauled off and gave Elvis a couple of knuckle sandwiches. His brain matter had already sunk beneath the level of the ventilation unit she'd installed in his head so it didn't seem to bother him. She listed his crimes, his Dr. Frankenstein routine, and explained that he and his papa were an accomplice to rape by RoboRafe. Sami probably should have warned Taylor that young Frankenstein can get sterile women pregnant. Once he even gave Mary a baby scare by simply rubbing elbows with her while she was dusting the Hugh Grant shrine he hides in his secret room. Finally, Taylor turned to her fiance/brother-in-law and asked him for the truth.

Lines of the week:
Nicole: (to RoboRafe) It's bad enough there's one of you.

Rafe: I'm not your bitch anymore.

Bo: (to Nicole) All the evidence suggests that you like being treated like crap.

Mel: (to Abby) I'm stupid too I guess.

Abby: Carly doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs help.

Sami: (to Taylor) Does that ring make you stupid?

July 1, 2011
In a rare show of compassion, the action only happened in Salem for three days this week. Fittingly enough, almost all of the action was about non-action as the residents of the fishing village/brothel did their best to make sure that nothing could happen.

Nicole discovered that her DNA evidence had somehow been transformed into her last will and testament. Although that was disturbing enough, the fact that all of her stuff was left to her sister made it worse. Stefano made the switch of course. He was sure to see that EJ wasn't left anything, not even Nicole's secret scarf collection. This left Nic stuck in lock up at the station, willing to help but unable to, while her sister ran around town like a mad mongoose searching for eggs to eat. She didn't find any of those, but she did get a rock to chew on when Elvis hobbled onto his good knee to pop the question. The brain damaged scarf fetishist managed to do this with ease since he's had so much practice. Taylor barely noticed the imprint in the grass from the last time he played this scene.

While EJ was trying to show his father what stupid can look like, Babs and Hope teamed up with Sami and Rafe for another exercise in police brutality. Babs and Hope visited the same disguise shop that Sami and Rafe favor for their covert operation. He pulled on a hoodie and she wore one of those magical sun hats that can disguise your identity so they could beat and mug Marco, throwing suspicion on Rafe. Stefano seemed to be buying this charade. Sami leapt in to try planting an illegal surveillance mic in a DiMera vase. Mary knocked it into the water and the plot fizzled out. All the same, Sami vowed to make her old enemies as tortured as she is. She excels at being miserable so successfully that it has become its own style.

Mel, the Kiriakis clan and Dario all continued covering for Brady beating the pink shirt off of EJ. When suspicion was cast on Dario, Mel helped cover for him by telling Det. McCarthy, the one cop in town not related to anyone, that they spent the night together when EJ was attacked. Later, Brady walked in on them testing each other's tonsils. If Brady needed something to drive him to drink, that might have been enough. He made faces and stormed off. Adrienne questioned the youngsters about the bloody scarf they've been dragging around town. If only Mel had been a DiMera she could have had EJ cloned from the brain matter he left on her scarf... Adrienne soon got bored with this and stopped. She went over to hang out at Chez Rouge with her son. Viv was also there to hang out with her son. Quinn spent some time yakking it up with his mom when he wasn't threatening Chloe. And Kate decided it was time to be the mother-in-law from hell as she attempted to disrupt the courtship of Abby and Chadsworth.

Lines of the week:

Stefano: What kind of medicine are they giving you? Angel dust?

Sami: I'm going to make sure they suffer Sami Brady style.

June 24, 2011

Rafe continued imitating impostor Rafe imitating him. The performance wasn't exactly bowling people over. He cornered Kate outside of Casa DiMera and laid it on pretty thick. About the only thing he knows how to do is flirt like a drunken crab merchant. Kate's seen plenty of those in her time so she suggested that if he wanted to throw his balls around, he could go to the bowling alley across the street. Inside of Casa DiMera, RoboRafe continued to spaz under the effects of the discount truth serum he'd been hopped up on. Taylor heard his loud confession and lashed out at him. The cops separated them. Robo was dragged to the basement of the bowling alley and prodded into giving a video confession. He kicked the camera at the end and knocked out the part implicating the DiMeras. Rafe and Babs started pounding on him and demanding that he repeat his dialogue from the previous scene. Robo hadn't been on "Days" long enough to think that sounded like a reasonable option.

Hope chased after Taylor, who knocked the cop over on the pier of doom. However, this didn't result in death, a coma, or a bout of madness. At this point, if Hope suffered from any of those things it would go largely unnoticed. Taylor flailed around town, telling everyone she could that Rafe murdered her mom. Nicole guessed that EJ was behind it and vowed revenge. Her mom's ghost showed up to do some cheerleading on that score.

At the hospital, Elvis 'Old Bean' DiMera started recovering. It appeared as though having half of his brains leak out didn't do him any harm. It didn't do him any good either. He was still smitten with Taylor and would only return to consciousness at the incessant whine of her voice. Carly kept chasing cops out of his room. She'd been helped back to work by Jenn, who started to notice that her friend kept piles of white powder all over the desk in her room. Carly claimed it was just aspirin. Since Jenn had years of ridiculous excuses from Jack, this almost seemed plausible. Meanwhile, Brady's friends and family circled around to protect him from the wrath of the DiMeras. Even Babs and Hope tried bending the law in his favor. Brady was still more interested in getting bladdered and coming up with pet names for people. This made Mel 'Pumpkin' Jonas worried, especially since her father, Dr. Mullet, was now implicated in the whole fiasco.

Lola Lane, aka Chloe, drugged her john into imagining that they'd actually had sex. He bought this. They must have been some pretty powerful drugs since they were both clothed and there were no signs of intercourse. Then again, in Salem it's as likely that you take off a limb as your clothes to do the deed of darkness. Kate was miffed that she didn't get any proof of carnal contact. She was equally annoyed by Quinn's lack of deference to her and frequent insults. Later, she was confused to find the Aussie gabbing it up with Viv in the park at two in the morning. Considering what must go on there in the middle of the night, shocking Kate is really saying something.

After some teasing from Kinsey, Gabi tried swallowing her insecurity by asking young William to go up to her room with her. Rather than tell her to head to the bowling alley, he gasped and claimed he had to pick up dry cleaning... and babysit his mother. Once he was gone, she opened up to Salem's greatest sex therapist -- Caroline Brady, because you know the surest way into a boy's pants is through his great grandmother. Caroline basically told her that Will was taking things slow because he didn't want to be a skank like his mama. However, Will could be changing his mind about that pretty quickly now that there's a new boy in town. After finding Abby hugging on Sonny, he went into a panic about Chadsworth's feelings until Abby explained that Sonny was just her cousin. Will's eyes lit up, although he was a little surprised to see a boy his age not wearing an ugly plaid shirt.

Lines of the week:

Quinn: If we let hookers raise kids, who knows how they'll end up?

Quinn: Maybe I just want my mommy to love me?

Nicole: (to Taylor) Oh my God! Did EJ get you pregnant?

Stefano: Bo Brady, the last time you solved a crime, Bill Clinton was in office.

Kinsey: Privacy is so last century.

Victor: I love watching Nicole go to jail, if only it could last a little longer.

Nicole: Sometimes I think I don't make good decisions about men.
Brady: Sometimes I make bad decisions too. I should never have gotten drunk and beaten EJ. I should have stayed sober and killed him.

June 17, 2011
The EJ DiMera brain spill was spreading everywhere. It slowly trickled down the pier and into the harbour, instantly polluting the water with evil and dementia. Dolphins began stealing each other's organs and clams gave up their pearls for silk so they could try to weave scarves. It turned out that Elvis would be in dire need of some of those to save his life. Last week 'Old Bean' Elvis went down to the pier to kill Rafe but was interrupted by Taylor, who dragged him away to spill his seed. This week he got called down there to get killed by Brady. Although the drunken man pummelled the DiMera until his face looked like a can of baked beans that had been hit by a hummer, Melanie interrupted and sent him away before he could finish. She called over Dario to help her peel Elvis off the pavement. He was reluctant, especially after she explained that he was responsible for his sister's death.

Using her magical scarf, Mel managed to stop EJ's brain leak. Since it was an extra-absorbent scarf, they managed to sop up his mind and then wring it back into his head hole drop by drop once they got him to Dr. Baker's abandoned clinic/butcher shop. Daniel and Carly were called in to help. This meant interrupting his sex fest with Jenn. Since she was stealing all of his blankets, he didn't seem that put out to pull out. Meanwhile, Carly was dragged out of her private pill party. Neither of them knew what they were doing. Mel thought they should erase EJ's mind to protect everyone. Daniel refused because they didn't have any blank CDs lying around and he refused to tape over any of his old Rush cassettes.

With EJ out of commission, Chad had plenty of opportunity in the new DiMera empire. Between Stefano and Kate's prodding, he started warming to a life of crime. Meanwhile, Gabi was getting a cold feeling from Will. Apparently she has gaydar, but she hasn't quite got the tuning right. She can sense that Will obviously has some issues around getting intimate with her even if he isn't altogether certain about what they are. Judging by the oversized plaid shirts he's been wearing, he's obviously disoriented about something though.

Babs and Hope sped out of bed and down to the warehouse to find RoboRafe tied to a chair. He told them that he was the real Rafe and Babs went off to the loft to administer 'the real Rafe' test on RetroRafe. It's unclear how this test worked. It seems similar to the Pepsi challenge where you take a sip of each interchangeable liquid. Mostly Babs was stuck trying to see if Rafe could blink and speak at the same time. Only one of them managed that. After Hope tried water torturing Robo's crotch, they doped him up with truth serum and dragged him over to Casa DiMera. Once Sami threatened mousy Mary, she play acted the part of Fay until a handcuffed Robo attacked her and confessed. Taylor just happened to walk in on this weird BDSM improv scene to hear the confession.

It was also a week of big name calling for a few characters. Somewhere in the back of the story bible there's a list of nasty names for each of the characters. This is normally kept locked up for anyone but the person writing Victor's dialogue, but the key seemed to pass through more hands this week. Kate called Daniel 'a piece of scum' and 'an emotional vampire' among other chestnuts. Later, she unloaded a truckload of euphemisms for Chloe's carnality. The list was so long that Quinn finally snapped and called her 'gratuitously cruel', 'unseemly' and a 'sociopath'. It turns out that, even with his propensity to constantly wear golf shirts, he's actually a bit of a snob and believes that you should carry yourself with manners, especially while ruining people's lives. Finally some class around town! No wonder he's not sticking around. For her part, Chloe got her john drunk and then drugged him. Unlike most of the other women in town, she actually did this to avoid sex, not get some.

Lines of the week:

Brady: Get ready for your trip to hell old bean!

Stefano: If you bring Taylor to live in this house with Nicole, there will be blood in every room.

Chloe's John: Lola? Woah! Yow!

Nicole: You are losing your touch Walker. Guys didn't used to go to bed with you to sleep.

RoboRafe: For crap's sake!

June 10, 2011
It was all about the fine line between romance and skankiness in Salem this week. Daniel were making Jenn sweat in her sweat pants. Before he could start chewing off the ice cream encrusted on her tank top, Abby walked in. Daniel's hair popped into instaperm and he rushed away to the hospital. He and Mel engaged in their daily smirking session. She hiccupp laughs until Maxine tipped them off that Carly was ill. The intrepid doctor rushed to her side. Carly still lives in a hotel room. He checked her out and guessed she didn't get her shots. He's only a surgeon after all, he can't be expected to know the difference between drug withdrawal and a stomach bug. Then again, it was unclear whether Carly's exploding insides were caused by drugs or the spectacle of Dannifer's face sucking shenanigans. When she returned to work and he was talking about Jenn, she could barely control the desire to sink into a narcotic stupor. After filling her purse with meds, she poured them out on her desk like they were pixie sticks and then snorted them through a straw.

Just to give viewers a taste of the 'return to values' Ken Corday has promised for the show, Carly's ex was back on the job in his odd suede collared get-up. While Hope was busy exploiting the labor of Salem's children and teaching them how to assault random people, Babs was called over to Casa DiMera to investigate a domestic disturbance. Nicole was busy throwing everything but the fabled kitchen sink at EJ for churning butter with her sister. Babs smirked until Nic started teasing him about almost being spit roasted by his wife. He returned to doing nothing. EJ and Nicole returned to calling each other names and arguing about who was whose bitch. Then she went outside to argue with her sister about which of them was a full blown slut and which was just a half-assed one. Elvis got between them to prove that he was an all-ass overblown slut.

As Nicole lit fires between EJ and his father, Taylor gushed to Brady about EJ and his eyes started to dart like he was preparing for a boxing match. She went over to the loft and found Rafe there. He was confused about whether he should be himself or the man pretending to be him. Taylor looked at him like he was a hobo relieving himself into EJ's "Dora The Explorer" knapsack on the subway. She managed to avert her gaze and notice that he had either taken up cross dressing or was holding her mother's cameo.

The rainbow of optimism that Chloe was floating on hit the ground. It wasn't a pot of gold she landed in either. Instead, Quinn offered to promote her from being the town slut to being its most sought after working girl. The diva has her dignity though. She will only sleep with strange or married men for free...  and then only if she's drunk. Undeterred, Quinn decided to blackmail her into joining his new start-up company: Salem Escorts -- "The witchy women who will make you burn." She thought that was tacky, even by Salem standards, and started to worry that the sleazy Aussie could have left her a burning sensation of his own. As they bickered about it, Victor showed up to jovially mock them. Quinn was annoyed, but he was more annoyed this week by his mother, Vivian. She wasn't exactly thrilled to see him either. After the Aussie pushed poor Augustine around, he brow beat the Duchess for abandoning him and started doling out threats. She was so taken aback she didn't have a scheme to call upon.

Meanwhile, Will and Gabi had an awkward conversation about their relationship. She worried that he might not be interested in her anymore because her appendix was gone. He had to explain that he didn't have a fetish for internal anatomy. He's not EJ after all. She was relieved, so he got her some balloons. Blowing up enough balls to fill her room was the clearest way he could tell her his true feelings.

Lines of the week:
Abby: Did you play the Barry White albums?

Quinn: I sell people.

Victor: Following her trail of destruction has become something of a macabre hobby for me.

Alicia: This has 'fiasco' written all over it.

 June 3, 2011
Chloe had another date with Salem's newest pornographer, Quinn. Appropriately enough, they met in a sea food joint called the Creamy Clam n' Mussel Cafetorium that looked like it hadn't been re-decorated since the 70s. He wandered off and ran into Aunt Vivian in the park. Meanwhile, Jenn and Daniel had another date. Instead of climbing a hill, she dressed up like she was throwing the prom in her living room. He ran away the first chance he got because that seemed a little too mature for both of them. After she slipped into her sweat pants and jumped into a bucket of ice cream, he returned to lick her clean. Unfortunately, their ice cream social was interrupted by Abby, who didn't seem nearly as traumatized by this scene as the audience at home.

And speaking of traumatic events... Elvis and Taylor finally committed the act of darkness that no one was waiting for. She found him wandering around the pier. He had a gun hidden under his coat, leading her to assume the stories of his manhood hadn't been greatly exaggerated. He was antsy because he was really just there to put something in Rafe. When the opportunity to shoot an unarmed man went south, the failed killer did the next most gruesome thing and went with Taylor to her room at the Salem Flop n' Fly to play cars and garages in the pleasure park.

All the while, Nicole sobbed to herself until her dead mother materialized from her tears and, apparently, suggested that she team up with Stefano again. This was only slightly more jaw dropping than what happened when Mel asked Dario to actually talk about his feelings. Dario stood there and his mouth became so bloated that Mel almost gave him a Midol. And RoboRafe finally got free and managed to trap Sami in the pantry of doom.

Normally in this column, I just concentrate on what happened on-screen in the past week. But since things in Salem have been as dull a quip from a sober Chloe, we'll take a little break to do something different. The drastic retooling of the show is already under way. Ken Corday announced that they were dumping six actors to replace them with six more, new and old. My beloved Duchess Alamain has already been cut so the show can concentrate more on Babs and the most boring housewife in Salem. Carly has also been thrown to the sharks. She entered town like a zombie, but constant exposure to Babs taught her what being dead really looked like. Since then, she's just been in shock but will finally be put out of her misery. More casualties will follow.

Who is coming back? Jack obviously. And he won't be coming alone. All of his time wandering the outback and sleeping in the pouches of kangaroos put him in touch with some strange cosmic power. When he returns he will be bringing the spirit of Vern Scofield with him. The cantankerous newspaper publisher who Jack repeatedly drove crazy, has been reincarnated as a miniature talking koala bear. Thanks to Jack's years of dealing with wild animals in the circus, he managed to gain his trust and train him to hide on his shoulder, just behind his ear, and act as his voice of reason. This will also lead to all sorts of awkward situations as Jack tries to seduce Jenn back into his life.

Marlena and John will also be returning, but they won't be quite the same. It turns out that the extended break he got from her while he was in a coma wasn't quite long enough. He got tired of her shrink routine and decided to revamp her brain. Since he has all of his previous personalities backed up on discs, he thought he'd like to get to know the old him. But since the technology wasn't completely Euro compliant, it short-circuited a bit, which results in Marlena sounding like she is doing an impression of Clint Eastwood having a stroke in slow motion.

Corday also revealed , "I'm going to throw everything but the kitchen sink on-screen." The fanbase for the kitchen sinks in town are understandably outraged. After all of the years they were used to wash Alice Horton's dishes and assist Kate DiMera's manic mid-evening hair dyes; after all the times they received the bottles of Lucas Horton's booze as they were emptied to prevent his drinking; or to wash away all traces of the inedible meals cooked by the townspeople, this is the thanks they get. But times are tough, which means only the garbage disposal and the toilet remain. The invisible busboys at Chez Rouge will have to take the dishes down to the harbor to let the whales lick them clean.

Lines of the week:

Daniel: I'll wear shoes and everything.

Nicole: (to Rafe) Kissing you is like kissing my arm.

Stefano: (to EJ) The first minute you laid eyes on Taylor, you became useless.

May 27, 2011

Carly continued to come apart. She pulled on some lab coats to stop herself from exploding but these only knocked her off balance. As she slogged around, Abby kept petering over to ask her about her 'illness'. Surprisingly, after having Jack for a father, Abby still can't seem to tell when someone is having a manic fit. The young lady soon discovered that Carly was popping pills but the doctor managed to make her keep her mouth shut. Then she rolled around on her floor, daydreaming about swapping spit with Dr. J. Daniel spent most of his week trying to grope Jenn any chance he got. That turned out to be a lot. Their public lipsmacking was enough to make anyone want to pop a roofie.

The garden of Casa DiMera was the place to be this week. The trees were flowering, the bench was still warm from the hobos and the evidence burning pit was giving off a nice aroma. EJ and Taylor continued their argument about his criminal history. Once he made it clear to her that he stopped dealing and none of the scarves used in previous episodes had the slightest whiff of cocaine attached to them, she was cool with it. He was elated and wanted to see if her taste in scarves was anything like her taste in panties, but then he got called away and she was sat to contemplate the mud wrestling pit until Nicole arrived. Taylor was undaunted by her sister. She started counting the aphids on the bushes while Nicole counted down EJ's crimes and all of the naughty names she could give her sister.

Elvis was busy dealing with the unexpected turn of RoboRafe. Actually it was Rafe pretending to be the man pretending to be him. He sucked some ice, broke a vase and tried to act dimmer than usual. Since such a thing was clearly impossible, EJ started to guess that something was up. That only proved that he actually seems to know Rafe better than Sami does. Just to prove it, Sami had a nightmare that she still couldn't tell the difference between RetroRafe and RoboRafe unless they were engaging her in pillow talk. The fact that she thinks wearing a pair of sunglasses counts as a disguise only adds to her list of... idiocies? That's what Kate thought. Will seemed to think so too and so did Caroline, but all Sami could do was throw a decades old affair in her face so her manic-depressive grandma would cower and go back to the chowder mill.

Over at Maggie's, she dragged out the stinky cheese to try and woo Victor. They say the easiest way to a man's heart is through his belly. It's certainly the easiest way to get him to unbuckle his pants. After the rouged redhead stuck her hot casserole in his hands, he was left with his mustache wilting in the heat. Meanwhile, Chloe continued letting Quinn romance her by taking her to the pier for some ice cream and harpoon throwing. He kept wandering off to make drug business calls. Maybe when he finally runs into Brady, they'll recognize each other from their drug filled days on the continent.

Lines of the week:
Nicole: It's cold in my shadow.

Viv: You better think again cookie.

Nicole: You're at the pleasure of the queen and right now she's not amused.

May 20, 21011
It was a week of abrupt changes in Salem. Things were moving along, but it was hard to tell if it was a garage sale or a dress-up party for hobos. Maggie began to pack up all of Mickey's old stuff, or at least sent Ciara off to dig through the trash for whatever moldy cookies might be hidden beneath it. There were all the hats and buttons from his senatorial campaign; the lingerie he bought for Bonnie and accidentally gave to his wife instead; the self-help book he wrote about dealing with amnesia that the redhead thought of giving to Rafe; the photos he kept of Maggie cheating on him; the stuff he pocketed from the crime scenes of the Salem Stalker and the bodies of some of the actors who played him. All of this junk, and the fact that Hope showed up to see her, reminded Maggs of how grim life can be so she decided to take another shot at happiness. She went to see Victor to see if she could make his mustache twirl again. Just to show him how interested she was, she went one step beyond the scarf trend and wore a shawl to arouse his interest. If that wasn't enough of an obscenity, something far more graphic was going on across town.

After Sami's casual mention of dogs playing poker, RetroRafe's memories gradually began to flush back into his consciousness. It was like watching a mini energy saver fluorescent light bulb turn on. That was still enough to get Sami vibrating. After they dressed up like the Blues Brothers with whatever they pulled out of the dumpster by the prop room, they decided to do all of the things that James Belushi and Dan Aykroyd kindly left to your imagination. While they were having post-amnesia sex, RoboRafe was left in the cupboard with a gag in his mouth. That may have been at his request.

It turns out that the DiMeras' ability to ruin people's minds wasn't solely reserved for brainwashing. Things in Salem rapidly began to change by the week's end. Things weren't going smoothly. In spite of the fact that there are hardly more than a dozen people in town, Brady still couldn't figure out who was leading the vast drug cartel, the trucks of which daily fill all of the streets so that only the space between the hospital and the closest apartment block can be traveled by non-drug dealers. Victor finally tipped him off and Brady tattled to Taylor that Elvis the pelvis offed poor sorry Ari. Once she picked her jaw up out of her chowder bowl, she rearranged her face to self-righteous and stormed straight to Casa DiMera. EJ's confrontation with Taylor started out with a snide and sarcastic tirade before abruptly turning into something that seemed like the old "Rocky & Bullwinkle" show, you know, like when they give a preview to a future episode that never happens or flashback to something that didn't. Using her extraordinary psychic abilities, Taylor managed to see into EJ's mind as he rewrote the last few months of the show for her benefit. This left her as confused as a drunken elephant on a freeway.

Meanwhile, Chloe continued to stumble around town looking for people to teach how to screech. After reading on her flyer that she was a star when it comes to the magic flute, Quinn might have gotten the wrong idea. He decided to treat her like a charity case, which is one step away from just treating her like a head case. Of course Chloe should have known better. Foreigners are almost inevitably evil criminals. That's how Salem keeps their witch hunt going. It turned out that the week's rewrites extended to the man from OZ. Apparently, EJ gave him his entire drug operation. He was so eaten up with guilt about Ari's death that he decided that DiMera Enterprises would only sell Midol from now on.

Lines of the week:
Viv: I will bring Kate to her knees. How ironic: isn't that where she launched her career in the first place?

Sami: You're that guy who kicks puppies... because deep down inside you know that you're not really a man.

Taylor: Lalala! I'm not listening!

May 13, 2011
It was a romantic and randy week in Salem as things got out of control and came to a head for a few couples in town.

Sami and Rafe were finally reunited. Bloodshed followed. RoboRafe found them at the safe house and tried to play the victim card by explaining the plot for the last three months. That didn't work because the only real victim was the audience. A gun was brandished and stunt doubles fought until it slipped across the room and into Sami's hands. Of course, letting a gun slip into the hands of a Brady is like giving a grenade to an angry monkey with diaper rash. She raised the weapon and, somewhere, EJ started twitching uncontrollably. Anyone who knows anything about Sami though knows that she's about as good at shooting as she is at raising children. Pretty soon a bloody RoboRafe was bound to the toilet trying to rehearse his routine for the Salem zombie walk. Perhaps it was the relaxing sound of his moronic moans, or the fact that Rafe wore the glazed over expression of an underachieving eight year old, but it was enough to make Sami get romantic. They started piecing together the mystery of what happened to him. Shockingly, a conversation with that much actual content only lasted a few sentences. The bigger mystery was which of the Rafes had been faking all of their orgasms with Sami. Unless they were both shooting blanks, which is unlikely, at least one of them had to be since no condom in the world is enough to protect you from impregnating a woman so fertile that she could get knocked up from having someone blow in her ear.

Across town, EJ's menage a trois was slowly turning into a solo act. After Nicole blackmailed him into dumping her sister and told him that he was her bitch now, Elvis went up to Taylor's room to sniff at her purple scarf. He'd purchased it for her at an auction. It used to belong to R. Kelly, which gives some hint into what Nicole calls his 'alternative pleasures'. These developed while he was growing up in England and became obsessed with the Tom Baker incarnation of Dr. Who. Young Elvis was briefly suspended for molesting a giant scarf in a phone booth he mistook for a Tardis. Running from the police is what inspired him to leave law school and briefly become a race car driver. But before he could slip into the closet for some alone time with the magical garment of lust, his sister showed up to spoil the mood. Keeping with their shared inability to mentally progress beyond high school, he gave her a note to give to Taylor to see if she still liked him and would text him a winking emoticon to confirm.

Meanwhile, dizzying new heights of flirtation were reached on the other side of town. After hearing that his brother was leaving town, Dario decided to move out of the loft. For some reason, he had a futon the size of a hallway. Mel was confused, and perhaps aroused, so she helped him carry it back to his new apartment across the hall from her. She dropped it on his toes. He swore at her in Spanish, which must have impressed her, but not as much as when he threw a bag of chicken at her.

Mel's father continued his flirtation with Jenn. After nearly killing her with his food, he asked her out again. She found her brush with death attractive. After all, Jack just acts like she's dead, Daniel nearly gave her the real thing. Their daughters argued about them, as if good taste might prevail. Mel insisted that her dad was a class act. He only randomly knocked up her married mother while they were drunk, it's not like he actually tried to seduce her. This conversation, and the gooey parental induced apology that followed it, seemed to give Abby cramps and bloating. This inspired her and her mother to do an impromptu Midol ad. Carly must have been impressed because she did a whole infomercial of her own for the latest psychosis inducing drug to hit the Salem market. Complete with German speaking hallucinations, curling fingers and nauseated grunts, it actually turned out to be part of a new PR campaign about why you should never hire Carly as your doctor when she can't even heal herself.

Not all the romance went so well. Victor and Maggie broke up and then broke up and then broke up again. It didn't matter how many cookies she baked for him, they might change his waistline but they could never change his personality. As they moped, Chloe got plastered at the Cheatin' Heart. Quinn showed up and assumed she was open for business. The diva told him that she was bad to the bone so he took her to his hotel room and gave her one. She woke up to discover that he'd left her with nothing but an envelope full of clams.

Lines of the week:

Lexi: You are such an idiot EJ!

Jenn: Daniel is way too young to be an old lech.

Kate: I'd of thought she'd be used to losing husbands by now.

Sami: I looked at you and you were you and I knew.

May 6, 2011

Salem: on one side, open water; on the other, slums leading to a wilderness full of mental hospitals and convents. Somewhere in the middle, in a converted gymnasium next to the pet cemetery, Samantha Brady returned to home sweet home, only to find out it was a pretty bitter place. Not only did RoboRafe make sure she discovered he's bad at doing his laundry, but he also left a very personal mess in their bed for her to see. She's wasn't pleased that he picked up some out-of-town floozy. After all, she's got some hometown pride and Salem's already full of homegrown skanks. He started to wonder if she'd figured out that he was a fake, but she revealed that the fakest things in their relationship were her orgasms. She'd learned how to fake it by watching videos of his favorite porn star Misty Circle so he couldn't tell the difference. They fought and they fought but it takes at least three tries to order a meal in that town, let alone kill a relationship. She moped over to see Caroline, who was eager to get out her knife and make a sausage platter out of RoboRafe.

RetroRafe continued to crawl his way back to his past. Pretty Crane from Harmony, apparently released from the mental hospital she was sent to, became a nun and stumbled on a man who looked distinctly like Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald. It turned out he wasn't the same man though, or even a doppelganger, just some guy with the same face and even less of a personality. Since she was now a celibate, his looks weren't much use to her, so she decided to help him get back his brain. In the least believable part of this plot, Rafe recovering at least some of his intelligence was quick and easy and he quickly made his way to the safe house, which the FBI have been keeping carefully dusted. Since they never bothered to change the locks though, who knows how safe it ever was. Anyway, by the time he got there, without a clue about what to do, Sami was already busy filling the place up with flashbacks of sucking down his hot tamales and stitching together his wounds so that the scars would magically vanish.

The DiMera clan continued to be distracted from their usual business of selling crack to children and chemical weapons to terrorist groups. They had something more important to do: trying to keep the tent in Elvis' pants from breaking apart at the zipper. This was no easy task, no matter how many picnics he took by the mud wrestling pit. Even the usually calming sight of Mary wrestling with new company goons as part of their initiation wasn't enough to slake his lust for Taylor. With some ease, he convinced the gullible bookkeeper that Nicole would be perfectly happy with a divorce, proving that Taylor isn't so much innocence and light as dim and doltish. Nic was onto them though and whipped out her DNA evidence to blackmail Elvis into restraining his pelvis. Although he spit out some threats, he was obviously cowed and she molested his lips with a kiss so he would know that his ass was hers. After telling him that she would force him 'to take your alternative pleasures with a smile', she made sure to flaunt to her sister that she was back with Elvis. Taylor sputtered. EJ spewed apologies and shrieked. Taylor's eyes boggled until all of her clothes magically flew into her luggage and walked themselves to the door. Elvis proceeded to do the Charlie Brown walk of anguish around Casa DiMera while Nicole got in a few more kicks.

But the week wasn't all about sticking it to Elvis. Daniel put on his Old Spice and whipped up some seafood stew from what he could find floating in the hospital aquarium for Jenn. She promptly started gagging on it. Chloe learned that the doctor and his PR lady were getting fishy and nearly gagged herself. She managed to keep her mouth open enough to suck down some martinis before a tall glass of sexy named Quinn strolled in and offered to pour some more in her gullet. And, since Will couldn't figure it out on his own, T. prompted him to invite Gabi over for some private studying. She seemed more excited about it than him. When their plans fell apart, he was genuinely relieved.

Lines of the week:

Caroline: You should get to know the real Sami.
Sami: She's a train wreck.

Nicole: You will go to jail and then Sami and I will share custody of Johnny and Sydney. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Nicole: Nothing is true forever.

Nicole: You gonna huff, puff and blow my house down?

April 29, 2011
Ciara and Theo wandered through the toxic wasteland that surrounds Salem. It turns out that it's not so different from the place they left. It was full of homeless teenagers and was made entirely of alleys. After a homeless girl helped them out, she was dragged in by the cops. Babs got in her face and threatened to sell her to a pimp if she didn't help him find his daughter. He stroked his beard and ran through the woods howling for them. They'd just bumped into RoboRafe, however, since RetroRafe's car was a piece of junk and broke down again. Although he'd had a good night with one of the town's random floozies, the prospect of dealing with his hermanos estupido y desagradable was too much to take. Anyway, he bumped into the kids. Luckily Ciara recognized him after momentarily mistaking him for the Easter Bunny. They were all dragged back to town. Theo took a disliking to RoboRafe. Ciara wasn't crazy about him either but at least she got back to her bear. Babs force fed the town's latest hero the cupcakes he swiped from the evidence locker as well as a helping of his homemade beer. Before RoboRafe could escape from Casa da Babs, Sami showed up to drag him home and told him once again that she misses the man he no longer is.

RetroRafe managed to get into his perfectly dyed and ironed fake orderly clothes and slip away before being chased down a ravine and taking a tumble. It's not like a bump on the head could do him any damage though. Unfortunately, this meant that it was the last we will see of the orderly in charge of RetroRafe, a man whose sense of humour will leave a gaping hole the size of Sami's mouth in the show... Unless Kate hires him to be the art instructor on "Macaroni Madness," scheduled to premiere on her new Arts & Crafts network.

The saga of Victor and Maggie returned. Right after agreeing that they were dating -- although they hated the word, and believe me, the older you get, the less attractive it sounds -- they had a tiff. It was over Chloe. Maggie was trying to be saintly again. She was saintly enough that the fight didn't last and she and the mustache started patching things up. Chloe escaped from the Horton convent to suck down martinis at the Cheatin' Heart. Random men flirted with her and Justin tried to help her but she was just pissed (in both senses of the word). Nicole weaved in and out. She'd just caught Elvis grinding lips into Taylor's face until she furrowed her brow so that it looked like Mount Rushmore. Gagging on this gaudy display, Nicole vowed revenge. Obviously she couldn't fix their breaks and send them into another car crash, so she got her hands on Viv's DNA report and started hunting for evidence that RetroRafe was being held in the DiMera dungeon. The likelihood of this was so obvious that even Chloe guessed it. Mama Fay briefly returned from the dead, where it looks like she's been having a better time than she did in the land of the living, to kick her daughter into action.

The heartbreak wasn't confined to miserable marriages though. Carly continued to crumble as she kept bumping along on her psychotropic hayride. She thought that Dr. Dan might be the man to cure her blues, but it turned out that he was already starting to treat Jenn his suave charm. He gets it from the magical hair gel he puts in after singing 80s emo music in his shower every morning. Mel was rather pleased to see her dad dating. She wasn't up to dating herself. Dario asked her out using even less than what usually passes for Hernandez charm. Somehow that wasn't alluring, even if he is the only man in Salem who hasn't been saturated with the musk of clams yet.

In an unusual turn, someone actually wrote in to ask me a question. I can't recall when this has ever happened before, but I'll give it my best shot. "Madame JuJu of Pirate Island" was wondering why the cast seems to be wearing so much blue lately. Well, blue is the spring color on "DOOL" (along with grey and EJ's all purpose pink). I guess, on an artistic level, these washed out colors are supposed to exhibit the emotional depth of the characters. The technical process for this was actually explained this week. You see, budget cuts at the show are so severe that the actors have to revamp old wardrobe pieces. The only way they can do that is by soaking their clothes in sinks or toilets after pouring pen ink into the water. This was inspired by the way they get the actresses to dye their hair. Since more budget cuts may be coming, I hear that James Scott has been eying the DiMera drapes with plans to turn them into a kilt/toga combo and the makeup department is busy trying to figure out how they can substitute crayons for lipstick and blush.

Lines of the week:

Mel: What's homey about a place where everybody hates you?

Chloe: (of Stefano) Compared to him, Victor is like Father Christmas.

Stefano: This is about that bookkeeper who won't do you while you're married to her sister.

Lea: (to Hope) You're that whack-job who ran around clocking dudes.

Daniel: It wasn't serious kissing... She kissed me. I didn't kiss her.

April 22, 2011
It was a week of accidents and some of the kinkiest psychosexual activity since EJ introduced his infamous silk scarf of seduction and magical mystery to Salem. Not only was nearly being blinded turning into a turn on, nearly being turned into roadkill fit for a hillbilly stew was also on the menu.

Even without Sami driving the roads, there was still a car accident. On their way to the ash dumping grounds to bid adieu to Fay, Elvis and Taylor's limo crashed. Her leg was trapped in the minibar and her hips were locked into Elvis' pelvis. The crash must have ruptured something in his brain because he couldn't stop saying, "I love you" like he was a wind-up doll. With the adrenaline pumping and memories of David Cronenberg's "Crash" running through their minds, they started to feverishly suck face. Nicole arrived at the door, fresh from reading her sister's vague letter to their mom. Her husband and sister refused to let her in and she later met up with them at some random roadside clinic for some vague and awkward conversations.

Salem's little runaways continued to camp out and worry about their vanishing cookie supply. Although Ciara nearly cracked her head open on a rock, it didn't seem to cause any damage, she is a Brady after all. Back in town, her parents' brains were running all over the place, spilling on the floor so that people had to step over them. Carly's brain was fried over everything that was going on. She started popping pills like they were Mentos. They made her so fresh that she became a hugging freak and ran over to Casa da Babs to nearly squeeze the breath out of Hope and the bearded detective. Daniel managed to smuggle her out and then misdiagnosed her situation for her. He had other problems than the mother of his daughter to worry about. Jenn and Dr. Daniel continued trying to battle their overwritten chemistry by constantly spewing dialogue about it. Adrienne and Justin returned to give them someone else to repeat their lines to.

Chloe continued to repeat her past mistakes. She spent most of her week getting wasted at the Cheatin' Heart. Apparently it only took two martinis, proving that she's a cheap drunk in addition to everything else. At least she's a fun drunk though. Scrunching up her face, she drunk dialed Kate to harangue her and threaten to run off with Parker to the arctic wilderness of Toronto at the first opportunity. Conniving Kate recorded the whole conversation and played it to Philly, who was none too amused. He'd spent most of the week talking to social workers on the diva's behalf and bonding with his son over their shared hairstyle. When the diva dropped by the mansion, he told her off and decided to leave town so he could finally grow up. All the previous times he'd left he just changed faces and limbs, but this time around he wanted a maturity implant. Since those aren't available in Salem, Chicago seemed like a better option so he swanned off. Chloe was crushed but Kate still stalked after her to jump on what was left. Before the diva could ooze into the harbor, Maggie found her, fresh from a little kissing session with Victor and insisted that the town's biggest pariah come home with her.

Mel found a use for her pepper spray this week which wasn't about giving the rubber food at the pub flavor. She nearly blinded Dario at the pier when he startled her. After grabbing one of the milky rags that they keep at the local tavern for such occasions, she cleaned out his eyes. Helping him fondle his burning eyeballs was some kind of bonding experience because his feelings for her started to change. He turned pink and rambled in Spanish. When she went home, Troy leaped from the closet to attack her, stupidly confessing all of his crimes to her while he did so. She pepper sprayed him, but no matter how stoned he was, he didn't mistake it for flirting. Dario ran in and beat Troy down. Mel pulled him off and he fell on top of her, resulting in another awkward moment. As he adjusted his pants, she explained that Troy killed his sister. Dario promptly put Troy in a coma. Mel was distraught about everything so Brady showed up to comfort her and bicker with Dario. Meanwhile, RetroRafe used his craft skills to create a phony orderly's uniform and sneak out of the mental ward, hoping that his mystery key would lead him back to where he came from.

Lines of the week:
Stefano: Don't be a snot.

Chloe: Can you just hate me from afar?

RetroRafe's doctor: You get to go to arts and crafts class. We think it helps your self esteem to glue macaroni on things and then spray paint them.

Chloe: What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the other goose.

Taylor: Watch the road! This is a limo, not a covered wagon!

Victor: Nothing says loving like something from the coven.

Dario: He's become a world class ass.

April 15, 2011
Fay's death sent shockwaves through Salem this week...  Well, not exactly. Most people didn't notice. Abe was upset. He tried to squint his eyes enough to cause a flashback of his fling with Fay to erupt but no dice. The two people who seemed the most upset about it were actually Nicole and RoboRafe. His emotional turmoil was super annoying for his wife, who seemed incapable of comprehending why he should care about someone else's unfortunate demise. The fact that he was training Johnny to be his own personal bartender pushed Samanther over the edge. Just because her children practically live in a pub doesn't mean that she thinks they should ever be around alcohol. Remembering that her brother once offered to babysit, she decided to take the kids out of town. Elvis was so happy with the news that he began beaming bright enough to bring spring to Salem. He stifled his guffaws for a moment to use Taylor's grief for a quick grope and gulp while her sister was running around town trying to figure out the secret her mom wanted to tell her. It seemed like nothing else could stop the nightmarish visit from her zombie mother. She dropped by the loft to see RoboRafe and he thought she was offering him a part in "The Return of Misty Circle: How D'You Like Your Chowdah?" After she slapped him away, she left even more confused. Her mom popped up again to challenge her to think. She started to guess that EJ must have done something to Rafe. Elvis decided it was time to usher her out of town before she could think anymore and gave RoboRafe his final pay off to get out of town.

The Hobo reunion continued. After sex, he got up to do his favorite thing -- pick up his morning edition of the "National Enquirer" while Hope cleaned out his ears. As they were rejoicing in the bliss of having a new bed, Ciara was still under the impression that they were headed for Dumpsville. Little did she know that they already live there. She decided to steal all of the cookies she could fit into a garbage bag and then, with Theo's help, they grabbed all of the camping supplies to head out to the great wilderness. Her parents quickly noticed that all of the camping equipment was gone. The crack detectives searched under the carpet, in the stove, in the attic, in the music store, in the abandoned playground, the pet cemetery, the DiMera mud wrestling pit, the rat filled alleys by the pub and everywhere else they could think of before realizing that the kids must have gone camping. As they panicked, the kids set up camp and she tripped on her clown shoes, knocking herself out. We'll have to wait until next week to see if this gives her psychic powers.

Dr. Daniel spent most of his week trying to avoid Jennifer. He hung out at Java until his daughter showed up to tease him back to work. Jenn was waiting for him. Maxine was slightly disturbed when Jenn got so excited about Dr. Hot that she started to squirt coffee around her office uncontrollably. She ran away as soon as she could, leaving them to shake hands and not act on their obviously written chemistry. In Salem, that means something will happened between them sooner rather than later. Unlike between characters who have unforced chemistry where nothing ever happens and everyone keeps their fluids to themselves.

Jenn's daughter was busy not keeping her attitude to herself. Abby couldn't lie to Chadsworth that she was happy he was entering into the family business instead of spending his summer probing biology with her. His family job apparently involves a mail room in a mysterious office building somewhere under the harbor where the DiMeras manufacture their chemical weapons and sell the byproducts of their cocaine filtration system to the pub for chowder mix. After looking down at his sneakers and realizing Fay's brains were still on them from last week, he decided Abby's idea was a little more appealing. Kate watched the whole thing with great interest. Since Philly had been hiding from her, she was looking for someone new to nag and Chadsworth might have unruly enough hair to be the one. She probably should have been more worried that Viv swanned into Casa DiMera to dig for dirt and sent Gus up to her room to poke around in her panty drawer. Maybe that's why her knickers were in a twist for the rest of the week and she exploded at Chloe for trying to sing Philly back into her bed. The diva chucked a martini in her face

Lines of the week:

Gus: Kate will be out getting a facial.

Isn't that rather like sweeping the beach?

Viv: (to Chad) You're one of Stefano's past indiscretions, I'm one of his past wives.

Chloe: Toodeloo

April 8, 2011
Since this week's adventures in Salem were all about the fate of Fay, they will be brought to you by the letter 'F'.

"Fake outs." Unable to take the fresh hell that any conversation with Samantha Jean entails, RoboRafe freaked on her, gave her all the spoilers for his plot and then unceremoniously killed her with his bare hands, thus fulfilling the long held fantasies of Kate and anyone with a modicum of taste. Unfortunately, this was only another of the fabled fake outs that tend to pop up in the world of "Days" like the dots on the letter "i". 

"Frickin' walls." You could tell how enraged RoboRafe was by the way he was hauling out TV friendly profanity from the 80s to use on Sami. Unfortunately, he was the only one coming out with anything that resembled humorous dialogue.

"Felonious dork asses." RetroRafe sat in his cell reading Sun Tzu to try and figure out who he is. While he tries to reinvent himself as an ancient warlord, his brother continued to bumble around town. Now that he knows Mel has millions, he's upped his flirting. They even exchanged fluids this week, although it was only her pouring a beer on brill creamed coif. Complicating his con is the fact that she's suddenly getting closer to Brady. After all, she's a divorcee, it's about time she get with someone who can actually grow facial hair.

"Fay's fall." As spring dawns in Salem, it wouldn't really be a new season without a horridly convoluted love story (EJaylor) and someone being butchered on one of the nefarious killing stairs of doom that seem to pop up everywhere. No wonder Ciara wanted to scale a fence and run away. If you walk down a street instead of an alley, you get hit by a car. And if you go down a flight of stairs, you are risking that the only way you'll go back up is on the wings of angels. If you aren't walking something as flat as RetroRafe's personality, you could be marked for the grave. Stefano doesn't even need an army of goons. He just needs the staircar from "Arrested Development" and he could have the whole world quaking. Unlike the deadly steps at the pier, saturated as they are with seaweed, sea gull droppings and all the blood the Salem PD never bothered cleaning up, the winding stairs of doom at Casa DiMera are clean as a whistle. This is thanks to the hard work of Mary, but also because they are carpeted with the same fabric that Elvis' magical silk scarves of seductive mystery and romance are. They automatically clean themselves and can turn any garbage that falls on them into gold... well, almost any...

"Family time." And speaking of pools of blood on the floor... Chadsworth moved into Casa DiMera this week. Abby wasn't thrilled but Kate and Stefano greeted him with open arms and a toast. This was enough to get Chadsworth over the fact that the first thing he saw when he walked in was Mary cleaning Fay's brain leakage off the floor. By the end of the tour he was used to it though. After all, they decorate their walls with the stuff.

"Flirting friends." Jenn and Daniel continued inadvertently flirting. She fell into his arms while trying to adjust a picture. The only thing she seemed to straighten was something in the doctor's pants though because he was blatantly adjusting himself throughout the rest of their conversation. Crack journalist that she is, Jenn managed to overlook this while Carly continued to wobble around town like she had an ulcer.

"Free child care." Now that they have their family back, Hope is spending more time actually working at the job she doesn't have than the one she did. The Salem PD needs all vigilante detectives it can get though since they usually just use their regular staff to look after people's kids. Detective McCarthy spent most of her week babysitting for Babs and Hope. That is, when the couple wasn't bundling her off with Doug and Julie. No wonder the kid thinks she's not welcome. While she was plotting her escape, Babs and Hope played some sort of safari themed sex game where she pretended to be a zebra while he played a lion.

"France." Victor's mustache was getting more excited than usual. It went from frowning to beaming as he jumped from fighting with Brady to flirting with Maggie. He wanted to get out of the stupid town and take Maggs to France. Instead, the redhead offered to take him into his kitchen and fry up his mussels. His mustache got so excited it nearly leaped off his face.

Line of the week:

RoboRafe: I just feel bad for her because she went ass over tea kettle.

April 1, 2011

It was another somber week in Salem as the children planned to run away from the chowder scented streets, mud wrestling matches were delayed and the town lost another doctor, meaning that the local prison has almost equal medical care to the entire town. Given the fact that certain residents seem to have their own evil labs hidden in their homes, I guess that's fair.

Nate decided it was time to go. Mel told him (again) that they had no future. Since a repetitive plot that goes nowhere and constantly recycles itself is what happens to people in Salem who actually think they have a future, being told he had none must have finally liberated him. The only piece of recycling he took with him was Tom's old bag. Mel pouted around town. She randomly showed up at Philip's to say goodbye to Parker and then blubbered to Brady. He was doing plenty of blubbering too when he wasn't shooting out threats more giddily than Booster Gold flexes his smile. Dario learned that Miss Mel is a millionaire and decided to try and give himself a makeover into Dario The Lothario. Since being Keanu Reeves' lovechild wasn't enough, he began drinking kegs of energy drinks in the hopes that a caffeine overdose would make whoever he was talking to anything but drowsy. He and Mel bickered and he tried feeling up her pulse to demonstrate that he was turning her on. Since she's used to playing doctor, she wasn't easily fooled and ran off to suck face with Brady just to throw Dario off her scent. Unfortunately, Mel smells too much for that simple trick to work.

Over at the Horton hut, Jenn and Abby were trying to sort out the enormous mess which Alice had left behind. It was a dangerous task since the load bearing walls in the basement were made of stacks of her old recipe cards and boxes of freeze dried donuts. They managed to unearth some Hobo collectibles beneath the wigs made of his old pompadours and bad boy beards. Babs and Hope wading through them, sucking face while she groped his whiskers. It must not have looked very romantic since Ciara got the wrong idea and assumed they were miserable, proving that she has inherited her parents detective skills. She and Theo tried to run away by scaling the chain-linked fence that keeps Salem's residents inside the town and the real world out. They were captured before the border patrol could catch them but Ciara remained determined to get out and make her way to that mysterious island she'd heard about where everything was just like Salem, only people were happy.

Back at the Horton hut, some pickled beets fell off their perch and kicked the radiator in the gut. Abby reported that it began barfing all over the house, revealing that Stefano is not the only one who grows freakish creatures in his basement. They managed to keep RadiatoRafe in the basement to do housework while Jenn entertained Daniel and Abby mooned over Chadsworth after insisting she could only be friends with him. Jenn and the doctor then worried about Carly, who had decided to heal her pain with some random sedatives she found on the floor. In other words, how she usually treats her patients.

Over at Casa DiMera, Fay wasn't having a hard time figuring out what was in EJ's mind. After all, his brains were still stuck to the wall above the bed she was staying in. Neither he nor Taylor would come clean with her. Stefano teased his son for being incompetent at seducing Taylor. Elvis couldn't help it though: he'd run out of magical scarves. When she had to meet the real him without being under the influence of cashmere, wool or even polyester, the magic started to fizzle. He needed a new tactic. He invited her out to the mud wrestling field behind Casa DiMera. She was grossed out so he did the gentlemanly thing and explained that he would stop pursuing her. Taylor still wanted to tell her sister all about the fact that they'd nearly done it on the couch though. The only reason they hadn't is because he admitted he just wanted her as his mistress. If only the unfortunate cleaning crew of Casa DiMera had tipped her off that he used to have sex with her sister on the same couch where he and Viv had seen Brady have sex with her, the romance might have died earlier. And speaking of deathly experiences... RoboRafe had managed to ruin things with Sami after trying to force himself on her. Fay managed to overhear RoboRafe, Elvis and Stefano toasting to the completion of their plan. Her gasp was louder than the clink of their glasses. It started to seem like Stefano was slowly morphing into some weird version of Boris Badenov, which I guess makes RoboRafe an evil Bullwinkle. While Stefano took his son out to the mud pit so they could watch candid camera of RetroRafe standing in the mental ward wondering who he was, RoboRafe grabbed Fay and chucked her down the stairs, cracking open her head. In Salem, that's called brain surgery. Her two daughters arrived outside before he could get RoboFay out from the dungeon.

Lines of the week:
Kate: (to Viv) You ruined a child's birthday, what's next? Sabotaging a Bat Mitzvah.

Nicole: Gratuitous insults! I really am back in the DiMera family.

Brady: (to Chloe) Are you just sharing Philip's feelings or is there something more... like his mattress?

March 25, 2011

Living with Samantha Jean was proving to be harder than RoboRafe imagined. The fact that she invited his reprobate 'brother' to move in with them didn't help. After he flew off the handle, he decided to do the smartest thing he could think of and fake a seizure. Although she's used to men falling over themselves for her and lurching for the grave, this was just enough to impress her. While he called Stefano from his hospital bed to bicker about what's left of their plan, Sami put her head together with the medical genius of Dr. Manning. Although none of the test results she ran were good enough to tell her she was dealing with a different person, she noticed his blood sugar was off. Since Sami knows all about diets and how to turn a big loser is a regular slob, she quickly took her husband in hand. It turns out she does have a job after all. She's a beggar. She went door to door asking for spare food since she doesn't have any (the kids live off of what Harold and Mary shove in their pockets before sending them over). Sami got cracking and whipped him up some brunch. RoboRafe just wanted her to share his sausage though so she doped up his coffee. Unfortunately, he spiked it as well and that almost led to him telling the truth. Although Sami is used to having pointless conversations that go nowhere, she's usually the one doing all the talking so she was left completely baffled.

Meanwhile, RetroRafe settled into his new all white suite in all white clothes. No, he wasn't at a P-Diddy party pad, he was in whatever random mental ward Stefano shoves people in. The doctor fed him some milk bones and promised him that if he behaved, they could watch some "Art Attack" and make dinosaur dioramas out of play-doh to help RetroRafe release his angst in a constructive way. RetroRafe played along. When he was alone, he pulled out his key and wondered what it was for. But where has RetroRafe been keeping this key all along? Apart from his ability to pick locks, he seems to have also held on to his capacity to hide pointy objects in his body cavities. I guess something had to run deeper than his personality.

Back in Salem, Stefano had to take his son to school about how to screw over women. Apparently it had all come to Elvis naturally before and he'd hit the limit of his limited talents. Considering how rarely he's had the chance to take one woman to bed, having two seemed to completely overwhelm his neural circuits. EJ's brain had fallen so far into his pants that his father had to wheel out cliches from '60s sex comedies to tell him what to do. He instantly ran over to Casa DiMera where Taylor was having more clothing related sex fantasies. Since ignoring each other wasn't working, they decided to make out to make their feelings go away. After all, if you've given someone the itching sensation before sex, I guess you have to do everything backwards.

And speaking of itching sensations... Maggie couldn't handle hers anymore and finally asked Victor out on a date. It left him speechless. Deprived of the chance to make acidic remarks, Victor vanished for the rest of the week.

Dario bumbled around town trying to get the lay of the land. This mostly consisted of arguing with Mel about which of them loved Ari more and her begging him to put a shirt on. Then Stephanie tipped him off about all of Mel's former misdeeds. Believing that Daniel was one of Mel's dupes, he started trashing her to save him. The doctor started barking and punched him in the jaw. Mel walked in to rant at Dario again but he finally learned that she's swimming in cash and started to reconsider his options with her. Meanwhile, Chadsworth was also reconsidering his options. Impressed by his father's ability to deliberately lose at chess, he decided to move into Casa DiMera. Abby wasn't impressed and decided to kill their flirtation while he moved back into Will's old room.

At Casa da Babs, Hobo continued their reunion. It spread around town as they went over to Jenn's to sort through old photo albums. Apparently the flashback device in their brains was malfunctioning so they had to describe everything. This led to her fondling his chin whiskers while they discussed their sloppy lives and vowed to make them better. Ciara overheard them and blames herself for ruining their marriage, which was quite a turnaround from her blaming Carly for it. She and Theo planned to hike up to Saskatoon to open a mukluk store, living off the grub that they could scrape together from the random food fights they would encounter along the way. Luckily for them, there was one happening at Java Cafe as Viv and Kate took turns downing their heads in random birthday cake. All of a sudden, Kate's blue highlights finally made sense. 

nes of the week:
Maggie: Around you I feel young and stupid.

Kate: I'd like to stay and chat but I have an appointment to watch paint dry.

Mel: You can take that to the bank before you rob it.

Maybe Hope is more exciting to him now that she's spent time in prison.

Chad: I just won the Stefano DiMera Scholarship for Illegitimate Children.

March 18, 2011
It was a week of girl fights, fashion disasters and shirtless shenanigans in Salem. Justin spent the week plotting his latest marriage. At this point, he and Adrienne can get married by pure subconscious effort. Nonetheless, it still seemed to be causing some distraction in his office. His secretary was sending the wrong divorce papers to the wrong people. But that's what you get from a graduate of Salem U. Daniel and Jenn both received each other's marital death certificates so they had to exchange them. They were kind of broken up about it. She urged him to try not being an idiot by blaming himself. She filled Abby in on the news. The Abster put on a brave face for her mom and then pouted to Chadsworth about it.

The Gabster nearly pummeled Kinsey when she believed that she ripped off her earrings. Chief Inspector Babs walked into the middle of the cat fight. Kinsey wanted to press charges so Babs reminded her that Gabi's brother is in the Salem PD and her boyfriend is his nephew. That, combined with sheer incompetence and a general indifference to any suffering not his own, meant nothing would happen. He pointed out that Days is hardly a reality show like "Jersey Shore," let alone "Cops." The closest they get is being a town populated by America's biggest losers. It was left to Brady and Mel to grab thugs off the street and drag them down to the station. After Dario tried to steal the lifesaver on a piece of tooth floss her mother brought her all the way from the igloos of Toronto, she yelped for help and Brady came running. This led to Dario being arrested. Justin was recruited as his lawyer. Under the impression that Dario had been arrested for trying to impersonate the love child of Keanu Reeves and an Alaskan turnip farmer, Justin thought he was doomed. When it turned out that he was only a common criminal, however, the latest arrival from the Hernandai clan was easily granted release. Gabster was shocked that Rafe seemed so nonchalant about the whole thing and treated his little bro like he was a piece of trash. RoboRafe did all he could to stay in character, but it wasn't easy. All he wanted to do was play with his new gun and delete his old criminal records. Sami decided to try and be nice so she invited Dario to move in with them, totally flipping out RoboRafe. Dario settled in fast. As soon as he got to the Safe loft, he got naked. Mel barreled over fresh from telling Nate that they don't have a future, which he might have guessed from the fact that their present has never been more than a constant repetition. Anyway, Dario opened the door in the infamous towel of soap opera sleaze, marking their 'relationship' like a dog marks its territory.

Over in the dank dungeon of Casa DiMera, Stefano was hard at work erasing RetroRafe's memory again. They had to do it twice just because it's so hard to know if he really has any mental activity or not. After cleaning him out, they dressed him up like an amateur golfer who was just booted out of the country club for a drunken rampage. Apparently, Stefano and his crack team of scientists discovered that argyle has the power to remove memory and cause a general sense of amnesia. It's part of the DiMera plan to launch a fashion line that controls people's minds. They've already managed to control Taylor with the grey scarf of mystery. Taylor spent the week staring blankly into space when she wasn't fantasizing about neck wear. After some tortuously vacant conversations around the living room with her sister and brother-in-law, she snuck up to the linen closet to sniff around for more Eau d'Elvis and then tried molesting the slippers he'd left in the bathroom. Taking a break from her perversions, she strolled downstairs only to happen upon EJ dripping with sweat, a towel draped around his neck. She started panting until her sister interrupted. That night, they stood on either side of her door, frozen in fantasy about what they wanted to put around each other's necks. At least they didn't meet in the dead of winter or this could have been all about EJ's ear muffs... By the next day, he was sucking on her face again. When Elvis kisses a woman, he tries sucking her soul out through her mouth. At least that's how it sounded from the whimpered chokes that were coming out of Taylor. She ran away, and into her sister, but Nicole was still none the wiser. EJ then tracked her down to say that kissing her was just like flushing out a parasite and after sucking face with her, he knows that she truly sucks.

Lines of the week:
Jenn: (to Daniel) I didn't think you were a complete dork.

Mel: (to Dario) I hope you don't do this for a living because you suck at it.

Sami: Your brother has suffered some serious head trauma.

Dario: How can you tell?

Stefano: (to Rafe) You don't know how fortunate you are to leave the old you behind.

March 11, 2011
Things were rocky in Salem this week as the Rotary Club invaded town, taking over the streets and the pub, demanding coffee made from freshly stomped beans imported to town by donkey and roasted in the town's evidence burner. The whole Brady clan was forced into doing free labor for these invisible creatures as they swarmed the town, emptying the streets of all but the most ardent scarf fetishists.

Abby settled back into town in the normal way: by insulting almost everyone she came across. She smeared Jack and then tried to hustle her mom into an affair before she turns into an old maid and starts knitting doilies. Abigail's torrent of sophomore angst was interrupted when Will and Gabi (Gall) whisked her off to Salem's hotbed of youth culture (and labor): the Java Cafe. It was there that she met Chadsworth again. Since the 'hot jerk' also happened to be a friend of Gall, she decided to get to know him. The plan collapsed when T dropped the DiMera bombshell on her and then she was like totally out of there. Chadsworth had other things on his mind than girls though, like Kate's incessant prodding that he get to know his papa before he pops his clogs.

Over at Casa DiMera, Nicole and EJ's honeymoon was rapidly getting crowded. In fact, there wasn't much honey to be had. It seemed to turn into a weirdly inside-out production of Goldilocks and the three bears with Elvis playing Goldi. Nicole's mom was sick. Her doctor noticed that her heart had about as much rhythm as the dialogue on DOOL and realized this was a sign of impending doom. Nicole decided to move her in and have her sister play nursemaid. After all, Taylor has an MBA but Nicole is only used to playing naughty nurses. Taylor wasn't thrilled with this idea and neither was Elvis so the married couple bickered about it. Taylor stared at them with her patented 'you just caught me trying to drink your waterbed' look of embarrassment. Finally, he relented and allowed for it. As soon as the other Walker women walked off, EJ tried to figure out how warm Taylor's porridge was. She slapped him off, but little did she know he's slap happy. Elvis was frustrated all week and needed a lot more distraction than Taylor's Hallmark card version of BDSM could give. Wallowing in even weirder territory, he seemed to joy in his sister treating him like they were a pair of twelve year old girls.

Mel spent most of her week in a hospital bed. She had to be hooked up to an IV to keep her hydrated thanks to her excessive sobbing. The problem was so bad that her mom had to sit beside her and cry onto her hands to stop them from turning into sand. Pulling herself back together, she decided it was time to make it clear to Nate that any future they could have had been carried out to sea, never to be seen again. He found this hard to digest, no matter how monosyllabically she explained it. Finally, he left her room with a case of indigestion. Romance wasn't all so grim in Salem though. After all, Hope went out of her way to avoid doing nothing at home to visit Babs at work. She dropped off a bag of stale meat and grapes she dug out of the fridge. The metaphoric significance of this seemed lost on both of them.

The romance wafted through the breeze and circled around Justin and Adrienne. Taking a break from the make out session they've been having for weeks, they finally went up for air at the pub before he asked her to marry him for a third time. You know it doesn't count until you've been married three times. After all, it takes that much to prove you're more committed to your partner than the pleasures of divorce. Meanwhile, Maggie drifted over to Victor's and ended up blurting out that she loved him. She tried furiously to cover it up, but he wiped away her excuses with a sweep of his mustache and kissed her so hard that she stumbled out like she'd just been on a three week bender with a couple of monkeys. But the romance was not going well at the Safe loft. RoboRafe started to get bored with Sami sex and became more interested in playing with his gun and flirting with Nicole. When he wasn't stuffing his face with dessert sprinkles and making macaroni monsters with the children, he was teaching Johnny how to throw his first punch. Meanwhile, after being sure to extract his tamale recipe, Stefano had RetroRafe's mind wiped a second time just to confirm that everything was gone.

Lines of the week:
Jenn: So burn that in your karma, Dharma!

EJ: This is no love song: this is life.

Nicole: Damn it! I can't do anything in this town without being videotaped.

Sami: I just want you to be you.

Taylor: I could sleep in the same bed with you and nothing would happen.

The lab tech examining Rafe's brain activity: It's as empty as the dark side of the moon.

March 4, 2011 
Chadsworth was welcomed into the hairy, sweaty bosom of the DiMera clan this week. After witnessing his nephew Johnny compete with his father for who could sport the largest mustache, he was invited to join them. They let him lick the remaining blueberry maple syrup off their plates and then Elvis ordered him a cupcake. It was Chadsworth's new birthday after all, which seriously threw off all of his astrological projections for the year. That's when he bumped into Abby, the freshest piece of recycling to get blown into town with a new face. She mistook him for Johnny's father and made some snotty remarks, which didn't sit well with the teen with a dead child. Of course, in Salem, offending or bickering with someone is the surest sign of attraction (unlike the less common ones such as endlessly staring at them with your mouth half open, attempting to murder them, blackmailing them for sex, forcing them to live in a morgue drawer etc.). This is certainly true in the Deveraux clan. Jenn was trying to battle her attraction for her smarmy/persnickety emo Dr. Dan. Demonstrating that she still has some serious daddy issues, Abby caught her mom hugging on him and encouraged her to ride him straight out of her marriage to get back at Jack.

And speaking of decaying marriages... RoboRafe's awkward march through the life of Samantha Jean continued. He could barely control himself after Allie was whisked away to stay with Lucas. If he suffers much more stress, his new face will get stuck in one of his slack jawed stares and his eyebrows will start to crumble. He tried to relieve a bit of the pressure by beating up one of Allie's favorite dolls. He had mistaken it for a voodoo doll the young girl was using on her mother but it turned out just to be the knock off of a second class Barbie. The stress continued to mount as his wife was determined to get to the bottom of his weird behavior. She decided that he needed to have an MRI done. It was unclear whether this was to see if his brain had grown, shrunk, or was actually there. It was also unclear which of those options would have meant that he was still RetroRafe. EJ offered to fake the test for him, but his incompetent goons once again failed. Not that it made any difference. Sami decided to get him to prove he was his old self by asking him to humpty dance with her like it was 2009. Meanwhile, Stefano managed to get his hands on some of his old auto-amnesia drugs. He jabbed it into Rafe's posterior, forcing the small brain in the cop's ass to change positions with the slightly larger one in his head, dropping most of his memories as it rolled through his guts.

And some people were trying to re-live their old memories... Nicole and EJ's wedding finally wound down and they went to bed. He tore off her negligee and they got down to their 'unconventional' sexcapades. They played tiddlywinks, poke the whiskers, Percy in the pigpen, uppy-downy and wind your clock, visited the Netherlands and yodeled in the valley before a little wink wink, nudge nudge. She started to hope that he was falling for her again. But who knows? Taylor certainly wasn't convinced. After all, he had given her his exotic gray scarf, the most sensual gift that any man or drag queen can give. It took all of her education to try and discern what secret message it must contain, or whether she could tie it around some part of her body to give her new brother-in-law a clear sign of her throbbing biological urges for him. For his part, he tried to pretend that he could barely remember her without the use of his father's patented auto-amnesia formula. Of course, they weren't the only people who stunk at expressing their feelings. In spite of Will giving Gabi some bottlecap earrings, they still couldn't tell each other how they really felt. It just wouldn't have been fair on the audience.

Not everyone in Salem has a hard time spouting about their emotions though. Melanie lost the baby in a musical montage which was apparently edited together by some high school kids forced to do community service at the NBC studios. She'd barely stopped bleeding when Nate swanned in to say he wanted to be there for her and assumed that this meant she would marry him. Mel was too weak to say much but he didn't waste time telling Stephanie. She doled out some sardonic remarks and vanished. Mel gave Chloe a hug and Philly some mixed signals, saying she forgives him but they cannot have a future. He vowed that she will always have a place in his heart and then rushed across town, doing his best impression of a pinball as he rolled from one push to another. He took his son home and then invited Chloe over. He and Brady decided that the diva should live in the mansion, which was almost enough to give Victor a heart attack. He was so full of rage, he could barely utter an expletive.

Lines of the week:

RoboRafe: What am I? The doll executioner?

Taylor: I could get used to wine that doesn't come in a box.

Sami: Then let's go home so I can tell you off in private.

Rafe: If I don't have a memory, who is going to be the brains of the robot?

Abby: I'm not perfect. I just try not to be stupid.

February 25, 2001
Another week in Salem and another week of gloom for the children of the town. Surprisingly, in spite of the fact that their parents are so obsessed with keeping them happy and fighting over their custody, the kids don't seem that bothered. At the most, they're annoyed... or even bored. Maybe it was because of the way the wedding slowly encroached, spanning what felt like the whole week. Chez Rouge was decked out for the event by invisible wedding planners. Johnny got a brand new eye just so that he wouldn't look like a pirate in the wedding photos. Chadsworth finally decided to take his new brother up on his offer to be his best man and agreed to attend, even though he had to wear a bow tie as big as his head. Theo and Johnny hung out with their uncle Chad and wondered why everything seemed to take so long and go nowhere. Syd got pulled right into the wedding ceremony and it put her to sleep.

It wasn't all grim days for young though. EJ and Taylor acted adolescent enough for everyone. He was shocked when she walked down the aisle on his wedding day only to be revealed as his new sister-in-law. However, all he could do was stare at her guiltily like he'd been caught tipping over cows by a nun. This was appropriate enough since Taylor could only gasp like a cow had been tipped onto her chest and knocked the wind out of her. That's the look of love. Since this made Taylor look even more bewildered than usual, her sister suspected that something was up. Little did she know it could have been anything as convoluted and unbelievable as one of the plots from her old porn flicks.

Even though she didn't have to attend the wedding, Allie was having an even worse week than her siblings. Not only was she stuck living in a converted locker room inside a crack house full of nosy neighbors, she had raised the ire of RoboRafe. The impostor was in a rush to drop her off in the park so a stranger could pick her up for the Stefano DiMera Adopt-A-Brady Program but Elvis' conscience magically returned in time for him to send Kate to get Lucas to bring her to Hong Kong. Little Allie was whisked away and RoboRafe started to think that it might be time to shut up Sami next. Meanwhile, RetroRafe continued to gasp in his dungeon, living on nothing but leftover cake and the uneaten mashes potatoes from Harold's TV dinners. He managed to swipe a phone and call Roman but the police commissioner just got confused when he called. RoboRafe managed to cover and Roman returned to using his crack policing skills to drop by Casa da Babs with employment information. Hope was given the pink slip from the force and RoboCop will take over her position but Babs was reinstated as commissioner. He had other things on his mind though, like looking for every chance to give Hope some beard burn. Although she got into some role playing games with him, the mood was soon spoiled. Ciara seemed happy though. She was so happy, she faked being nauseated just so she could hang out with her parents and watch TV.

Life was not running so smoothly for Parker though, although he was rather oblivious to it all. Chloe continued to fall apart. She'd become so mentally unhinged that she stopped wearing makeup. Since Father Matt was nowhere to be seen, she tried talking to God directly but he wasn't taking her calls. This left her to be held under the sway of Kate, who pushed her to flush her anti-depressants. She decided that the only thing to do for her son was go and jump in the harbour. She left notes everywhere just to explain it to everyone. Philly K. managed to pick up the notes one by one, assemble them into a small novel, and translate them from the fragments of Russian and Italian that the opera diva had written them in. Using his genius for analyzing a situation, and the fact that there was no bridge to throw yourself off or traffic to walk into, he guessed she was at the pier. He found the child sitting there. Parker laughed and smiled through the whole ordeal. Apparently the children of Salem are sick of being pushed around by the stupid adults and are going out for revenge. Philly jumped into the water. Luckily it was only about a foot deep thanks to all of the arms and drug shipments the DiMera and Kiriakis families have dumped over the years which the Salem PD failed to clean up and the giant clams which Rolf had bred for Caroline to harvest. He rushed her to the hospital. Dr. Dan was shocked but decided to send her to a 'good doctor' instead of looking after her himself. And then there was much ballyhooing. Parker continued to chuckle. Daniel kept slipping into the locker room to calm himself with emo music. Philly quickly realized that his mom and Mel were in cahoots trying to take down the diva and prepared himself to give them the tongue lashing of a lifetime.

Lines of the week:
What about my broken heart? Is there a pill for that?

Viv: If you'd gone that long without a flush toilet, you'd sign anything too.

Lexie: Our
family may be crazy but we sure are good looking.

February 18, 2011
Deep in the recesses of the DOOL writing offices, the show's writers and their helper monkeys had been placed under house arrest for various misdemeanors and were confined to the dungeon which the studio keeps for them around sweeps time. Although they were instructed that they had to come up with some killer storylines, the writers were stuck watching re-runs of old episodes on the ancient television perched on the communal toilet. After the writers wondered why none of the cells in Salem are equipped with such common equipment, they tried to brainstorm ideas. Instead of coming up with any, they borrowed a few from seasons past. What really caught their attention though were all of the cookie commercials that constantly flashed across the screen. Latching onto this with the obsession of one of the starving contests from Alison Sweeney's "The Biggest Loser," they managed to build an entire episode around cookies. Never before had such drama gripped Daytime. Although we've seen what Kate can do with a recipe book and a bit of poison, baking has rarely had the psychological depths which we saw this week. 

Losing her mind has done more for Chloe's wits than holding on to it ever did. Not only can she tell Mel off, she can even bake all of a sudden. Unfortunately, her attempt to make cookies became a source for drama when she left them in the oven too long and left Parker alone with them. If only Mel and Kate had known, they would have tried to make it look like was trying to bake Parker and let cookies go to waste. Lucky for her, Philip arrived and they baked cookies together in what may have been the most work either character has ever actually done on-screen. But the even greater cookie catastrophe was happening elsewhere. RoboRafe was told to get Allie's favorite cookies. RetroRafe had to be pummeled for the information. He fed EJ the wrong info to give his double, believing that this dessert based signal would somehow send a psychic message to Sami that he had really been replaced by an evil doppelganger. Obviously, the fact that he told RoboRafe to get cookies 'without nuts' should have tipped Sami off that she's been bedding down with Salem's answer to the hot dog: RoboRafe, the man who is part hobo, part industrial waste and a few of Philip's spare body parts. However, since Sami was never a member of the FBI or the Salem PD, she had no knowledge of such basic signals for help.

Sami continued to be horrified that RoboRafe was leaving hickeys on her. These confirmed that he was real and not just a figment of her imagination. Since she always assumed that Rafe was simply the man of her dreams, she started to suspect that it wasn't Rafe at all. Or at least that having Rafe in the flesh wasn't exactly what she wanted. The fact that he kept trying to mount her chest also confused her. She wasn't alone either. As RetroRafe escaped from the dungeon and watched them through the speakeasy, he was devastated to see that his double was using all of the sex moves that he hadn't gotten around to yet. Before he could barge in, he was knocked out and dragged off 'like a sack of potatoes'. Sami heard the noise and panicked. The neighbor saw the whole thing and panicked too, even though, from her description of the place, their apartment building seems to be some kind of crack den. But RoboRafe managed to outsmart them both and keep the lid on things, although he took a break from his full time job of reassuring Sami to drop by the dungeon and put the boot to RetroRafe who had grown deathly weak thanks to having no more than cake to eat all week.

Will and Gabi got dressed to the nines to walk through the alleys of the town and make their way over the whale blubber to Valentine's Day at Chez Rouge. Before getting there, they kept walking in on his mom and Gabi's 'brother' trying to have intimate relations in the living room. No wonder they act so virginal all the time; they're probably terrified of sex. Anyway, they finally ran into Chadsworth DiMera applying for a job at Chez Rouge. Apparently, working at the Cheatin' Heart wasn't good enough for him. Maybe it was because he had to clean off the inappropriately used pool tables every night. Then he strolled by the pier where he ran into his big brother. Since Elvis' big sister had given him a talking to about being better to Chadsworth, EJ decided to reach out an olive branch and asked his bro to be his best man. That could have had more to do with the fact that EJ has no friends though.

Taylor continued to trickle across town. The poor woman was still swooning from meeting EJ, so much so that she refused a job offer from Brady. She was too moral to work for Titan, little did she know that the man she'd fallen for is guilty of enough crimes (from kidnapping to cocaine and arms trafficking to organ thievery) to put the residents of a small town in prison for a very long time. While she was mooning away, EJ and Nicole drank and made out until he left her to look after the kids while he tried to look after his massive criminal empire. Meanwhile, Babs took Hope home where Doug, Julie and Ciara were waiting for them. They promptly started pressuring them to get close again. Hope was too disoriented. Maybe it was the fact that he's been sleeping with another woman for months, or maybe it was that she'd forgotten about the go-green detective's gray water shower system and humanure toilet. When Babs rather unceremoniously asked her to go upstairs with him, she showed him how skilled she'd become at warding off sexual advances in prison and made him sleep on the couch. Babs' brother did a little bit better this week though. Not only did he get to comfort Chloe, he also had Mel show up on his doorstep offering to give it another shot. Little did he know, it was all his mother's doing.

Lines of the week:

Chad: I'm sure he put his arm out of joint patting himself on the shoulder.

EJ: You're calling me with a dessert emergency?

Taylor: I can't believe how corny and lame I'm being.

RoboRafe: I'm heading in for seconds, hot rod.

February 11, 2011
Salem this week was full of love and sex and whatever falls in between them. Babs and Hope reunited and she was granted her freedom by the court. Carly tried to put a positive spin on it but sobbed about breaking up with Babs and donned a new hair style to try and forget about it. That's how you know people have undergone a lot of personal change after all. Just look at Philip and his new locks or Brady's perpetual homeless chic stubble. All the while, an emaciated Jenn began recovering from having her heart re-inserted and started getting the "I heart Dr. D." look in her eyes. He must really work some magic with his fingers when he's sticking them into people. Not only did he win Chelsea over that way, but even Babs was looking at him with glad eyes after they got intimate on the operating table. The doctor and Jenn engaged in the compulsory bickering and barking that passes for flirting in Salem.

Meanwhile, Chloe continued to unravel faster than Maggie's curls. Mel caught her sitting on the pier and assumed she was waiting for the fleet to come in. They hurled insults back and forth. Surprisingly, Chloe managed to outdo her, proving that being miserable and having nothing left to live for makes her more lively than she ever is otherwise. But being smart enough to out-insult Mel didn't translate that well to anything else. She left a sleeping Parker alone at Maggie's with nothing other than some burning cookies. Philip puttered between the two women but neither wanted much to do with him, even with his new haircut, which he seemed to have stolen from Ben. No wonder Kate feels so compelled to nit pick over every element of his life. After all, if she was still putting out his clean underwear for him, he might not have gotten into the whole mess. For her part, Mel seems to have thrown up part of her brain because she's suddenly decided to join forces with Kate to gain control of all the little Philly K.s running from the wombs of Salem.

The plan to break apart Samanther and RetroRafe continued this week. RoboRafe was unleashed into the world and went home with Sami. After surviving a children's party, he put the moves on her, but his animal passion took her by surprise. I guess RetroRafe's sex technique is like his taste in paintings. This must be that 'spiritual' difference that he keeps warning Stefano that Sami will notice is missing. One Rafe is corny and the other is horny. After riding on RoboRafe's magic carpet, Sami didn't know what to make of it, but she was miffed that he gave her a hickey. Apparently EJ and Stefano must have got their hands on all of the pictures from RetroRafe's early career as a nude model because RoboRafe's entire body seemed accurate enough to fool the man's wife. Meanwhile, RetroRafe pined away for his wife in his jail cell while Stefano and EJ took turns eating cake and sandwiches in front of him and threatening to abduct Allie. Elvis seemed to get bored and took a break. He went upstairs and tried to lure Nicole into bed. She resisted and then gave in. They took a break so she could bicker with her sister and he could talk to RoboRafe about sex with Sami. And then they had sex on the couch. Too bad the Christmas tree has been taken out to the trash or they could have revisited the other spot where she had sex with Brady in the room.

Eventually, Elvis took a break from the marathon sex to go outside and smell the fish guts. In spite of the fact that Nicole had him smiling more than he has in eons, all of that was about to end. He literally bumped into Taylor and they stared at each other. Their jaws dropped. Something had just changed. It was like the world was ending and being born again. It wasn't the apocalypse ringing out though, it was just the writers killing the promise of EJole again. Something incomprehensible suddenly clicked between Elvis and Taylor that will spell the doom of his reconciliation with Nicole, but what was it? Could it be that his great-grandfather Benito DiMera had met her great grandmother, Aggie Walker, daughter of Johnnie Walker himself, in the peat bogs of Scotland while she was the angelic nanny to some kids, and he then seduced her away from a life of good deeds so she could try and reform a bad guy, and the souls of those two ancestors were somehow then reincarnated in them and fate made them meet like this against any logic or good sense? Maybe, after all, it only took something that convoluted to make romance with Sami seem like anything more than an ugly joke.

The mysterious spell that Taylor seems to cast on the residents of the town wasn't for EJ alone. Lexi and Abe were uber impressed by the fact that she gets along so well with Theo. Theo was amazed that she could actually string two beads together. And in spite of the fact that she didn't know that they don't hand out gold cards to homeless people, Brady told her that she should stick around because her sister needs her, but that was just his good deed of the day. He spent most of his time stealing Titan out from under Victor and then traveling around the globe to conduct hostile takeovers.

Lines of the week:

RoboRafe: It wouldn't be romantic if she caught me talking to some dude two minutes after taking her on my magic carpet ride.

RoboRafe: (to Rafe) Wow! That's one good looking dude!

Kate: You're a DiMera, you don't need a job.

Viv: You kill me.

Stefano: You're reading my mind.

Rafe: You're the nicest kidnapper ever.

Kate: (of Philip) Clearly he needs someone to do his thinking for him.

Taylor: (to Brady) You look like you could use a hot meal and a shower

February 4, 2011

The week opened with Jennifer having her chest torn open and her heart ripped out. It jumped around town in a cooler to Ben, who was eagerly waiting for an organ delivery at the hospital. It arrived and his eyes lit up. He skipped through the corridors with it like a giddy school girl until he bumped into Daniel. Dr. Dan was wearing a scowl because he had just learned that the hospital, normally only a place for changing paternity tests, attempted murder, deadly viral outbreaks and the like, had been used for something unpleasant like buying the organs of dead convicts. Dan ripped the heart away and raced over to the prison where Mel was pacing around Jenn's body, blubbering to herself and unsure whether the life support was actually keeping her alive. Her dad arrived and they dropped Jenn's heart back in. He worried that her body and heart might reject each other, after all, the organ had gone on a walkabout and learned some things about itself which could make the old body seem less appealing. Daniel was impressed by his daughter's ability to stand beside him and still get covered in blood even if it took her half an hour to figure out whether Jenn was alive or dead. With medical genius like that in their family gene pool, who needs the Hortons? After Jenn was revived thanks to Julie's promise to bake her oatmeal cookies, Nate stalked Mel around town to repeat over and over that he still wanted her.

Outside of town, Jane made the mistake that all fictional villains make: she kept talking about doing something instead of actually doing it. Although that's almost all that anyone ever does in Salem, it seems to bring nothing but doom. She and her goon had beaten Babs to a bloody pulp. He was high on sodium pentathol, but in true Brady fashion, he could still lie. Once he was taken out to be shot, Carly and Hope crashed the party and Jane ended up in lock up. For mysterious reasons unknown to anyone, Abe was brought in to handle the situation with a random detective from who knows where. It didn't take Babs long to start interrogating Jane in the middle of his own interrogation and start spitting out threats. It took all of this to finally make Hope realize what had been happening in the prison. Lee was arrested and joined Jane in a cell after she dumped all of the blame on Ben as the mastermind. Babs and Hope were left alone to reunite. Having her sent to prison taught him how much he loves her. Carly conveniently watched the reunion of HoBo from the doorway. She dumped Babs to make it easier for him, insisting it was the only classy thing to do. Hearing anything he did be referred to as 'classy' instantly made Babs wonder if it suited him, but his head had been beaten in too much for him to finish the train of thought. Dumping him seemed to instantly make Carly look a decade younger and she practically danced around town, rejuvenated.

Across town, Nicole received a guest she wasn't expecting: her sister Taylor. The cops dropped her off after she'd tried to rob an old lady on the chicken bus to town. Nicole wasn't happy to see her and her sister's attempt to sucker her into letting her live in the mansion for a perpetual sleepover didn't pan out too well. Taylor tried using a photo of them as kids to get the nostalgia flowing, but it only reminded Nic of why she tries so hard to avoid her family. It didn't help that Taylor seems like a passive-aggressive version of a drowsy Maud Flanders.

When she wasn't paying her sister to get lost, Nicole and Elvis spent some time getting super flirty. When they weren't oozing sex, he was putting the final oil on RoboRafe to get him ready to meet the world. The original Rafe (RetroRafe) was stuck in the newly remodeled DiMera dungeon, where Stefano and EJ dropped in to taunt him, blow smoke in his face and laugh. Meanwhile, RoboRafe slipped into the hospital and Sami dropped in to pick him up. He managed to hide how distracted he was by her breasts by claiming it was just the effects of a concussion. Since he knows so little about RetroRafe, he threw Sami off by having a modicum of taste and an actual sense of humor. She brought him home where he took every chance to cop a feel until the birthday party erupted at the loft. Sami sent the kids into the other room for most of their party and then EJ and RoboRafe left to get the cake which she forgot to pick up. Her ongoing demonstration of her amazing parenting skills was only challenged by Chloe, who seemed to keep forgetting that she even had a baby.

Lines of the week.

Bo: You ordered human
organs like you were at a drive through window.

RoboRafe: Mmmm sex...

EJ: My family would be happier and saner if you weren't around.

Mel: I thought I would be a model or a dictator or both.

EJ (to Rafe): There will be no breakfast in bed or maid service, but I suppose you're rather used to roughing it.

January 28, 2011

Vivian scuffled with her dear Augustine on the island until they spilled the last of their wine into the warm tropical sand. It seemed like the end of the world. The sky opened up with a massive whir but it wasn't the devil coming to take their souls, it was just Brady and a bunch of paperwork. After making her sign over Titan, he flew them back to Salem. When she got to the mansion, she caught Victor with Maggie and asked for a divorce. He couldn't control his glee and burst into a dance routine. Meanwhile, Viv cornered Maggie and called her out for lying about her feelings and putting on a frumpy goody-two-shoes act to hide her passion for men with mustaches.

Melanie did her best to try not to puke on her steady stream of guests all week. Maggie tried hugging her and she puked. Victor showed up and she puked. Philip dropped in and she threatened to puke. Nate dropped in and she was so exhausted from puking that she could barely tell him to leave and Kate dropped in to tell her to let Philip back into her life. She even suggested that she and Philly should battle for the custody of Chloe's baby since the diva was going off the deep end. This idea nauseated Mel, but all of the blue highlights in Kate's hair distracted her enough that she managed not to be sick.

Philip toggled between the baby that already was and the one that wasn't yet. Mostly he seemed concerned that his son was still named Parker. He probably should have been more concerned about Chloe losing the map to sanity. The diva stared and cried and mumbled and cried and yelled and cried and hugged and cried. She even went to the hospital to claim that Parker was sick when he wasn't just to get Dr. Dan's attention. He was furious and disturbed by this, but even if she cried him a river, he still froze her out and told her to see a shrink (for real this time).

It finally became clear why there are nearly no cars in Salem, a town that's had almost as many former famous race car drivers as ethnic minorities. Between the random dude who plowed down Ari and Samanther's deadly driving, no one is safe setting foot on the road. This also explains why they are always creeping through the narrow alleyways and hanging out beside bodies of water. Sami's reign of terrorizing the townspeople with her car of carnage took an unexpected twist this week. EJ had been playing Sami and Rafe all week but it turned out that even he and his father's nefarious and convoluted plans weren't nearly as loony as Sami's behavior. Rafael managed to convince her to go along with the custody settlement. However, when she discovered that Elvis was still planning to marry Nicole and leave her custody of the children if Sami managed to kill him at some point, she was furious. She threw a tantrum and stormed off. Rafe chased after her and she stormed off again. He drove after her and he ended up swerving off the road. His body was rushed to the hospital. Ben feared that he might have brain damage. Sami wasn't sure how much difference that would make. Rafe managed to show so much emotion at the custody meeting that it probably caused brain damage anyway. Ben probably could have ordered a brain from Jane, but the idea of some thuggish woman's mind being stuck in Rafe's body was too much. Just think of the possibilities... it would be like Aileen Wuornos stuck in Galen Gering's body for a remake of that Steve Martin movie, "All of Me." Instead, they just patched him up and Stefano and EJ giddily prepared the basement for Robo-Rafe.

This week we also learned that the more you beat the crap out of Babs, the funnier he gets. Jane and her goon were pounding on him all week. By the end of it he was starting to turn into a stand-up comedian. Like all melodramatic villains, they took so long getting around to killing him that it looked like it would never happen. Meanwhile, Jenn ran around stealing keys and getting the dirt on what was going down at the prison. She pulled Carly into the mess and the doctor interpreted medical records for her before running off, leaving Jenn to be caught red-handed by an angry Lee. She strapped her down and prepared to pluck out her heart. But there was also some romance this week, if that's the right word for it. Justin and Adrienne returned from the Bermuda triangle they'd been trapped in for the week's most memorable sex romp. They randomly met up at the bar, flirted and then she locked the door so that they could find new ways to bang the balls around a pool table.

Lines of the week:
Nicole: Dirty, just the way I like it.

Nicole: Careful Sami. You don't want to send him back into the light.

I think it's going to be a very happy hour.

January 21, 2011

Gus and Vivian continued to be stuck in tropical paradise. Warm weather, champagne dropped to them from the heavens and a steady supply of Smeat (the sideline of the prison organ dealing scheme) to eat still wasn't enough to keep the Duchess happy. If only she'd had the wails of Sami to contest with rather than the barbs of Nicole she might have realized how sweet the sounds of the waves really were. Instead, she was bored and drinking wine from a can, just wishing she was back in chowderland.

Of course, Viv was missing out on a lot of misery, but we'll start with the few happier moments. Jenn and Ben continued to pursue whether their rhyming names actually made them compatible or just a bad plotting decision. Although she knew that he's an expert in what to do with an organ in his hand, she discovered that he can barely tell a scone from a muffin. If that wasn't enough to put her off, he got really uncomfortable when she started talking about volunteering at the prison infirmary. Meanwhile, Babs was hopped up on sodium pentothal and began spouting dialogue that sounded like it was written for a 60s biker b-movie. Jane pounded on his face to make him wax more eloquent but he just spit out teeth and enjoyed his buzz.

Following all of the big breakups, Chloe tried to use positive thinking to convince herself that she had another shot with Daniel. But since she's no one's grandma or someone else's wife, the only thing that looked likely was divorce. She tried everything she could to get him back. Of course,
since serenading him was out of the question, the only thing she knew how to do was try to entrance him with her cleavage. However, while shoving her breasts in his face, she lost her balance and fell on him, ruining the mood and getting kicked out. Distraught, Chloe kicked her way into Steph's (the door was still broken from Nate) and tried to see if she could use her vocal talents to give someone a stroke rather than simply to break glass. Since Caroline's bones have practically turned into chowder at this point, it didn't take much and she nearly collapsed. Steph had to call Philly over to wheel out the mother of the child he keeps forgetting he has. He spent most of his week informing his family about his latest possible offspring, though Mel was less than friendly about it. His mother was thrilled by the prospect though, as long as it got him away from the clutches of Chloe. Kate spent much of her week getting re-acquainted with Stefano. He had a busy week though. Most of it was spent putting his head together with Elvis to conjure up his latest nefarious plot. Since EJ was determined to extricate Rafael from Samanther's bosom, they decided it was time to try rehashing another old plot, rather than just repeating another stage of the endless EJami struggle. This meant a trip down to the infamous DiMera basement for a look at Stefano's latest crackpot machines of doom, which must have been rebuilt since John had most of it destroyed and turned Rolf into a butler.

Johnny's surgery was a success and there was much rejoicing. Not so much for Nicole because she assumed that with the EJami truce in force, she would be left out in the cold. Before she could even get a draft, she ran to Brady and begged him to help her out. He refused, barked at her to get lost and then spent some time adding to Victor's list of synonyms for obscenities he can hurl at the women in town. Nicole moped back to the hospital to see Johnny. He was buried under a pile of gifts from Rafe and Chad. Between the pirate patch, the FBI hat and a herd of stuffed animals the little boy was already having an identity crisis. He passed out. EJ waltzed in to whisk Nicole out. She was expecting him to give her the boot but instead he wanted to knock boots. Elvis explained that he still wished to get married at the church with all of its wonderful memories (like his getting shot there). Then he told her that he was going back to Casa DiMera to put on some 80s emo music, cover himself in honey and string the leftover Christmas lights over the headboard of the brain spattered bed. With an offer like that, she couldn't say no. "Why do you leave your brains there?" she asked. "So I'll always remember when they played a part in my life," he said.

Lines of the week:
rady: 'Whore' or 'slut', I like them all. They work for me.

Victor: You're getting quite adept at pest control.

Stefano: (to Kate) Your son doesn't fool around, or should I say, he really does fool around.

Caroline: Before you become a cave woman, I want to make something clear...

Viv: Here. Eat Smeat.

January 14, 2011

It was another grim week in Salem. Well it isn't like that's unusual or anything. Just to make up for it, or to give people a hint of how grim it would become (depending on how you feel about it), the week opened with Duchess Vivian having a sexual fantasy about Brady. He could have been Ginger to her Mr. Howell (leaving Gus to be Gilligan), but she soon snapped out of the dream and noticed that she was still stuck in a tropical paradise rather than Salem, America's chum bucket, with nothing but her own personal slave. Oh the humanity...

Back in Salem, everything was turning to crap for the young lovers of the town. Nathan demonstrated his surgical skills by kicking open the door to his apartment so he could confront Steph about her deceit. She demonstrated her rarely seen ability to tell the truth and then showed that she's been studying at the Sami Brady School of Crying and Bellowing as she sobbed and begged and beat herself up for betraying him, not that she would have done anything differently if she had another chance. He may spend his day up to his elbows in guts but there was only so much of this gruesome display that he could take. He instantly ran to Mel to tell her what they, their spouses and the audience have known for months: that they are passionately in love with each other. Too bad for them, Stephanie was the only person involved willing to do anything about the situation. Mel got theatrical and ran off, telling him to get a life and move to Baltimore. Nate went to see Philip instead and tried to prove that his hair could out-Emo both Philly and Chadsworth. Philip gave him the old Lucas sucker punch while, across town, Stephanie told Mel that she had like totally ruined her whole life. Stephanie started beating her with her own purse and Mel's ass fell right onto her planned parenthood forms as she grabbed at her pregnant belly.

Carly was brought up on charges of malpractice by the hospital board for stealing Daniel's DNA and not letting him know. Since the last time she did that it blossomed into Melanie, everyone realized what a serious problem this could be. Lexi, however, seems to have learned to be a hospital administrator from the same place Abe learned to be police commissioner and she let Carly skate thanks to Daniel's glum and vague testimony. Kayla was left distraught. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if the wardrobe department hadn't been dressing her in the Wal-Mart version of a costume worn by the artist formerly known as Prince. Even worse, Johnny DiMera had been wearing a patch for days and no one made any reference to her husband or called him in so that he could tell the 'little dude' what it's like to spend decades dressed as a pirate.

It was finally revealed that Stefano is the mastermind behind the town's booming trade in the organs of orphans. Not that this came as much of a surprise considering he's had organs stolen before, just from people who were alive. This time around it was all about helping the greater good, or at least the families of people who can afford to pay for organ replacements. He was mighty unhappy though when Dr. Ben informed him that with all of the money in the world, they can't just drop back a fresh eye in Johnny's socket. Instead of doing the wise thing and calling up Rolf, the man who could give a napkin a personality, he ended up chatting with Kate. They met up at the town's most romantic spot the pier where Will and Gabi spent most of the week swapping spit. Instead of exchanges kisses, Stefano and Katherine talked about learning to hate something more than Sami and she managed to coax him into letting her go back to his place.

Stefano had problems with his new son too. He announced to EJ and Lexi that they have a brother. Neither seemed to care much. Since young Master Chadsworth wanted nothing to do with DiMera Enterprises and their newest interest in organic farming, Elvis could give a toss what happens to him. Besides, he had other things on his plate. Nicole managed to notice that Johnny's other eye had a spot on it and he was rushed in. In spite of Elvis' protests, Nicole told Sami that her son's cancer was spreading. Everyone got tense. Sami cried on EJ and then on Rafe. Elvis went down to pray to the God he doesn't believe in and Sami listened in before forcing him to listen to her prayers. Lo and behold, Johnny came out of surgery with a good result but even Rafe was worried that a truce between the battling parents could mean that Nicole could be in for some grim time.

Lines of the week:

Sami: I would do a cha cha dance but I don't want to pick Allie up from her piano lesson with blood all over my shoes.

Bo: Who's there?

Jane: Your wife's worst nightmare.

Mel: I really know how to bring sexy to sickroom.

January 7. 2011

The new year came to Salem with more of a bang than usual. The pier was cleared of its longshoremen and prostitutes. Its distinct smell of fish guts, rotting whale and salt was replaced by potpourri and glittery signs to help the town ring in the new year. Brady and Nicole drifted in while the champagne was chilling. He was eager to have sex in another room at Casa DiMera, like EJ's private sauna, Andre's old crawlspace or Stefano's angry dome, but she gave him the push back and said they had to be finished for really real this time. He stormed away and returned to drinking. She returned to EJ and told him the news. Immediately, he hooked her onto his arm and dragged her down to the pier for some cold champagne. Nicole was quickly faced with a barrage of insults from Samanther, especially after the upcoming wedding was announced. Nic chucked a glass of champagne on Sami, which proved once and for all that Sami isn't actually a witch because she didn't melt. She immediately ran off and tried manipulating Brady into going after Nicole. He was too busy drowning his sorrows so she decided to go off and manipulate Stefano instead. He fell for her ruse suggesting that she was letting Brady and Nicole use her playroom for rumpy pumpy and immediately ran to his son about it. EJ didn't buy it, however, because he had already given Nicole that gift that keeps on giving -- a tracking bracelet so that he would always know exactly where she was.

Johnny was getting bored being stuck in the middle of this endless feuding. Even if he could only see half of it, it was still more than enough. Just to make sure that there weren't actually more boring things, he ran off to spend some time with Rafe. EJ freaked out that his son escaped from right under Nicole's nose but was soon reunited with him at the station and the feuding with Sami continued.

Steph flew back into town after hearing about her grandma. Caroline twitched away in her hospital bed. The strain of her ludicrous dialogue had become too much for her. She sputtered at Kayla and told Steph to do the wise thing and run. It was getting to be too late though. Nate was already alerted about most of what happened. Steph tried to marry him before he could find out the rest. Unfortunately, Philip showed up to lecture Stephanie for hiding Parker's paternity and the young doctor just happened to overhear this. This led to him confronting his fiancee as she tried on her wedding dress which seemed to be made of random old tea doilies.

Melanie was so disgusted by the whole situation that she went to Maggie's to clean her toilets with a toothbrush just to get a bit of perspective. Philly dropped by to give her the copy of "The Greek Way" that she'd left behind at the mansion. To his disappointment, it was just about a bunch of myths, not the other thing the ancient Greeks are famous for. She still wanted nothing to do with him. He moped over to Chloe, who had been lurching between mopes and hopes all week. Nicole dropped in to tell her about her marriage. Chloe got happy, even when Nic told her it was an ugly scam. Dr. Dan dropped in to say that he wouldn't be seeing her or the baby again but he got her a furnished room across town. Knowing the taste in home decor that dominates the town, this made her cry. Then Kate dropped in wearing her 70s couture knockoff and some hobo mittens to suggest that she just dump the baby on her and run. This made the diva so upset that she decided not to budge at all. For his part, Philip was so frazzled by everything that was happening, that his hair had finally taken on a life of its own, much like the character in this Kids In The Hall sketch.

Hope and Babs continued to cuddle in the cabin to keep warm. He slipped off to place a call to Carly to place a call to Roman. If using her as a go-between wasn't bad enough, he made a point of not telling her that he loved her. The call was instantly traced by one of Warden Jane's goons. She sat around smugly waiting for the escapees to get capped. Rafe stopped by to harass her and she basically laughed in his face and then started flirting with Jenn. Devereux, or whatever last name she's using now, hurried away as fast as her little legs could carry her so she could mope about Jack. He never mentions her in his blog, or his twitter feed or posts pics of her on his tumbler or tags her photos on Facebook or comments on her YouTube playlists. He's too busy trying to find himself again and, after dying so many times, there must be bits of him everywhere. Ben interrupted her malaise to flirt with her by talking all about his need to get his hands on some fresh organs. He's been googling for them but all he could find was an old Misty Circle video. Jenn urged him not to give up Hope: there's not much to Salem other than organ donors. Back at the prison, Lee was getting jealous of Jenn, after all, it's hard to compete if all you have to wear is the same orange jumpsuit. She urged Jane to harvest one more organ for cash just in case they have to go on the run. Jane reluctantly agreed. Where could they run to? The great Canadian northwest isn't far off. But while they may have been dreaming of life in the middle of the desolate prairies, Viv and Gus were thrown out of the Kiriakis jet at Brady's orders. They landed without much more than some bottled water, Gus' cruise wear and not a cabana boy to be seen. Duchess Alamain instantly claimed dominion over the island and vowed vengeance.

Lines of the week:
Victor: She's a one woman plague.

Nicole: You're disgusting.

EJ: Thank you.

Viv: They copied me!

Kate: Manipulating Chloe into adultery is like manipulating a dog into eating a hamburger.

Brady: 'Innocent' isn't a word I would use to describe Philip. I'd use 'amoral', 'horny', 'jerk'.

Vivian: I'm Vivian Alamain and I'm queen of this island!

More Musings: 
Matt's Current Musings on Days of Our Lives  
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2010
Matt's Musings on Days of our Lives from 2009
Matt's Musings on Days of our Lives from 2008


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