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new! May 17, 2013
week started with a bang, or at least a thud, as Rafe's tender cranium
was dealt a brutal blow. He was then kicked until he was squirting
ketchup. Hope was called to the scene to investigate. Roman apparently
had a heads up and left town to avoid doing actual police work. Abe was
called away from being endlessly reminded that his wife was dead so
that he could have a different body to contemplate. He didn't bother
sticking around. Hernandez was wheeled over to Salem's most expensive
butcher shop. The accusations about who would have made marmalade of
his mind were soon flowing fast. It was enough to put a pregnant woman
off her anchovy and green tea muffins. In fact, that's exactly what
happened as Gabbah heard the news of the Rafe rollicking and rushed to
her brother's bedside. He had always been so good to her, she sobbed.
What would have happened to her if he hadn't forced her to do her
calculus homework instead of watching "Passions?" She never could have
married an ex-con and ladled clam goo in a back alley pub. Read the rest of this post on the blog >>
May 10, 2013
dropped by the rectory to taunt Father Eric about his mom. If she'd
really wanted to razz him, she probably should have told Fathers Matt
and Tobias that Eric's mom used to be possessed by Satan. Later, Brady
told Kristen that he pulled some strings to assure that they could
adopt a baby. She was so shocked she cried and realized she loved him.
She ran home to sob to her papa. Stefano couldn't see the big deal.
Anyone can buy a baby in Salem for a couple of bucks. She decided to
head down to the secret room to wallow in her memories of the wedding
that never was. Knowing how predictable all of this was, John managed
to bribe his way in to see her and her box of memories. She claimed she
didn't want to wallow anymore. He kept her there to wallow some more.
Surprisingly, he hadn't decided to show up in his old rhinestone
wedding outfit or fancy dress eyebrows. John tried twisting his face
into a hypnotic pattern but she got tired and abandoned the
conversation. Meanwhile, Marlena continued to come off as the world's
least insightful psychiatrist, which is saying something. It wasn't
always like that. She used to wear bigger shoulder pads that made her
look authoritative. Now she looks like one of John's more brainless
personalities in a wig. She fretted. Her son Father Eric tried to cheer
her up. That failed. She spotted John and ran away in tears. The priest
and the ex-priest bickered. Eric gave him such a stern warning about
hurting his mama that thunder actually rang out.
While John and Kristen
were re-living the nineties, JJ popped up in Salem dressed in the
height of nineties fashion. Scruffy was startled and had to time to
comb down the post-groping frazzles in her hair. She'd just spent the
afternoon in bed with Scooby finding new uses for the toy trains they
keep buying Parker. It wasn't a happy homecoming for the double J. He'd
been expelled from boarding school for dealing the hippy lettuce. He
insisted it was only his roommate, Screech, who was selling the way of
the woo. At least his sister was happy to have him back. It momentarily
distracted Abs from making double entendre to her abtastic boyfriend
about the possibility of them one day rubbing abs together.
the outskirts of town, Elvis continued with his apparently biennial
attempt to take his father down. Justin admitted that the plan was
better than he'd anticipated. This should probably send shudders
through the world. The last time that Justin thought a legal plan
sounded great it meant guaranteeing that we would be lumbered with
Gabbah indefinitely. Back in Salem, where the action is, Will was so
nervous for his mom's scheme to work that he started doing some kind of
Woody Allen impression in most of his scenes. Eventually, he managed to
tell Rafe that Nick didn't like gays. Rafe was in a rage and ran off.
It turned out Will had good reason to be nervous. His mom's plan was an
'epic fail'. Trusting Stefano was stupid enough, but she couldn't even
outwit someone who had the combined stupidity of a DiMera goon and a
member of the SPD. Bernardi refused to give her the damning evidence.
She tried jumping on his back to wrench it away and failed. Then Nick
grabbed her and demanded the cash she stole from him. She threatened to
kill him. He pointed out that he had dozens of copies of Will's
confession. Even with the combined brain power of Sami, Will, Sonny and
EJ, it had never occurred to any of them that you can make a copy of a
digital file. Sami was sunk. But Nick's life continued to get
complicated. Rafe vaguely confronted him about his plan to confront Gabi.
Nick decided to stop him. Moments later, Rafe was pounded on the
cranium. Considering the fact that Elvis was in a barely stifled rage
over hearing his son admit that he would rather live with Hernandez,
and even more disturbingly, in the same cramped apartment as a
Rafe-Sami-EJ sandwich, he might have ordered the clobbering... Or Nick
could have done it... Or Hope could have cracked under pressure and
reverted to one of her alternative personalities.. Or the Salem fashion
police could have learned that Rafe had another miniature FBI jacket
for Johnny and decided to stop him from delivering it.
Most of this week's
conversations didn't really go anywhere. Vargas managed to keep having
one with Nick about how his cash wasn't going anywhere. Vargas was
desperate to have his money tripled. Since Nicole won't have sex with
him, he's totally screwed. Nick tried explaining economics to his
former cellmate but his Count von Count impression wasn't cutting it.
Vargas was probably worried that Nicky was going to take his order to
'grow' his money literally and buy 30,000 dollars worth of babies. In
fact, Nick was planning to invest the money in an exciting new product
created by DiMera Enterprises. As you may have noticed with one happy
customer in Horton Square, it is triggered by your iPod and causes your
ass to start inflating until you begin convulsively dancing in a
desperate bid to try and keep it from exploding.
Lines of the week:
Daniel: Holy barnacles!
Ciara: She'll be back ten minutes ago.
Father Eric: What's your problem?
John: What's your problem, son?
Kristen: It's okay, priests are people too.
May 3, 2013
It was another week of
the grand plots of Salem gently unfolding like lilies reaching for the
sun in a fresh manure patch. Sami and EJ continued to settle into Casa
DiMera, easing Will into his life in the vague expectation that Stefano
will come to look kindly on his predicament. They seemed to think that
if they act like comfy furniture, he will suddenly start granting them
wishes. But could this plan to rub the supervillain's belly until he
farted out miracles really work?
pulled Sonny and Adrienne into the ever-expanding plot against Nick. At
this rate, half of Salem will soon be in this massive pile-up. But even
with the town's two major crime families against a single gaunt geek,
they are still doing a crummy job. I have to admit that I've grown to
like evil Nick in spite of myself. The show has gone so far out of the
way to make him unsympathetic that it's surprising they don't have him
drowning puppies and kicking Gabba in the baby oven. Considering how
outnumbered by obnoxious enemies he is, he manages to become likable
simply by contrast. Besides, no one else was making random and clever
"Diff'rent Strokes" jokes. Vargas handed Nick a loaf of cash and urged
him to buy some magic beans. Before Fallon could do it, Sami, Lucas and
Sonny swanned into the mansion. Using Allie as bait to distract Maggie,
Sami and Sonny slipped into Nick's lair. He stole Fallon's flashdrives
and Sami nabbed Vargas' cash. Nick rapidly discovered this and
confronted her. Luckily, EJ was there to defend her. If he hadn't been,
she probably would have shot him, although that might have made EJ even
more jealous of Nick than he was of Rafe. She had a gun handy thanks to
Kate, who dropped it off as an engagement gift. You can't say
everything with roses. Sami assured Lady Roberts that she didn't need
protection. Too bad that's what she always taught Will. The anti-Nick
brigade stopped being so cocky when it dawned on them that Stefano
might actually screw them over. Sami took Elvis to bed and he offered
to take his father out for her. He'd already managed to talk Justin
into helping him with some kind of mysterious corporate take-over to
speaking of destruction... John continued his plot to break apart Brady
and Kristen. He wasn't just plotting on his own either; he seemed to be
on a completely different show which required him to conjure up bizarre
feats of facial gymnastics and use mysterious accents. Apparently one
of those stolen flashdrives must actually have contained John's fully
functional brain because he's just running on 'fumes' as someone said a
few weeks ago. He gave Marlena back her key, barked at Roman and then
ate a croissant. He was in a hurry to get back to his room to watch his
"Rawhide" DVDs but not before admitting to Victor that he was planning
blow up Kristen's scheme and he was going to do it by giving her a
poke. Victor was so appalled that even insults failed him.
Over at the rectory,
there wasn't a lot of Christian love around. There wasn't even a lot of
lust, Christian or otherwise, as Vargas and Nicole became enemies even
faster than they nearly became bedmates. He continued sucking up to the
padre and threatening the ex-porn star to keep her mouth shut and stay
out of his business. Nicole told him to drop the Eddie Haskell act.
This reference was lost on me until I looked it up and recalled that
Misty Circle starred in "Leave It To My Beaver." This is no doubt why
Vargas couldn't resist doing his carefully studied fake orgasms to her
face to taunt her. Meanwhile, Cameron and Abigail, or the Cabbage Patch
Kids as they are known around here, continued their long journey down
lover's land. Apparently Abby has been taking peeks at Dr. Marlena
Evans' "The Secret to Loosening Your Lover's Belt is in The Kitchen."
She ordered whipped cream at the restaurant to impress Cameron.
Somehow, the double entendre of her covering his chocolate with her
cream didn't quite break through his chiseled good looks into his
Lines of the week:
Sami: If I'd stayed awake during Biology we wouldn't have Will.
Roman: Just how dumb are you?
Ciara: Brady wouldn't marry a pirate.
Victor: Couldn't you do something less drastic? Couldn't you just kill her?
Abe: You're going to heroic lengths to keep this vague.
Nick: What? You talkin' 'bout what Will is?
April 26, 2013
anti-Anne conspiracy continued this week as Abba roped Maxine and
Jennifer into helping her derail Lady Milbauer's mischievous plan to
ruin Cameron's career. Or at least his career as a doctor. His career
as a careening pelvis seemed pretty safe. Knowing that Cameron would be
greasing the rail, Anne dragged the hospital administrator, Mr. Burns,
to Chicago to watch. Unfortunately for her, Abba realized what she was
up to and recruited Salem's most devious sociopath, Sami Brady, to help
foil the plan. The ladies ended up sending Scooby, Rafe and Brady up on
stage to peel. If Babs had been there they nearly could have been a
Village People tribute act. Anyway, the men doffed their tops for a
nearly Amish level of lewdness that drove the women of Chicago into a
frenzy. Even Kristen looked like she'd been electrocuted. If all of the
strip clubs in Chicago are this lame, no wonder only one manages to
stay open past 9:00 PM. All of this worked on Mr. Burns. Anne's plan
collapsed and she continued down the road to a world of pain. The
next day, Jenn got her job back and got in Annie's face about it.
Jenn's sudden explosion of feistiness leads me to assume that Daniel's
sperm must be as magical as EJ's. While the women the surgeon sleeps
with usually go insane or become sex fiends (or both), Jenn's developed
a backbone. This can only be the beginning of her slowly metamorphosing
into some kind of dinosaur like creature.
This wasn't the only
story leading off in odd directions. It seems like Dannifer ripped this
week's adventures out of Misty Circle's old catalogue. Wasn't a
cash-strapped doctor who started stripping and got their friends into
it the plot of "The Naughty Nurses' Night Job?" Not that it matters. A
former porn star living with, and lusting after, a priest while
shacking up with an ex-con just happened to be the plot of "Misty
Circle's Second Coming." Unfortunately, in real life, this didn't pan
out quite the same for Nicole... After he offered her a taste of his
cream donut, Nicole could hardly say 'no' to Vargas. They climbed on
top of her desk in the church office. Before they could begin doing the
beast with two backs on top of the plans for the monthly bingo, Eric
walked in. He tried to control himself and all of the heat under his
collar went straight to his hair, causing it to lurch out in a cowlick
half a foot off his head. She reminded him that she'd never promised to
be a nun. She and Vargas went up to her room. They stripped and she
wrapped herself in the ritual full body cotton condom. He licked the
donut dust off her cheeks until she started moaning Eric's name. He
suggested she try not talking during sex. She didn't find that charming
and kicked him out of bed. Nicole the un-nun quit her job. A few hours
later, she was back. After nearly telling a disturbed Father Matt that
he loved Nicole in a manner that wasn't entirely holy, Eric just
couldn't let her go. She decided to stay and they shook on being BFFs
for like ever and ever, Amen.
reminisced with Brady about the old days when Daddy Squints and KD were
whacking balls everywhere with the Salem Moose. Brady became enraged
and went off to lock antlers with his pop. Considering how many mixed
sexual metaphors were floating through the air with the random abandon
of John's eyebrows, Brady wasn't sure what to make of it all. He made
the safe assumption that whatever it was, it must stink. Kristen
thought it stank too. Judging by John's facial
expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop
his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.ging by John's facial
expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop
his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.ging by John's facial
expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop
his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.
Now, I must confess that
I did not see Friday's episode because this week's Dannifer cuddle pile
left me so nauseous that my doctor ordered me to take the day off. But
here's what I assume happened... Sami and Will continue their
fiendish plot to impress Stefano with their ability to sit in one place
and have an asinine conversation. Brady nearly knocks his father's
eyebrow toupees off when he catches him asking Kristen if she wants to
make a Moose burger. Rafe and Kate argue and then have sex, after which
he notices that he's begun to sprout a grey steak in his hair. And
keeping up with this week's high standards, Caroline, Maxine, and Kayla
decide to open a topless kissing booth down on the wharf so they can
raise money to get Victor a new spine.
Lines of the week:
Sami: You're not going to say I'm being stupid and self-destructive?
Rafe: See? You already know it. I don't have to say a thing.
Nicole: I want to be friends forever.
April 19, 2013
* This week's wrap up may contain spoilers for U.S. viewers readers due to Friday's pre-emption *
was the week that EJamis had been waiting for. After he spent a
mysterious morning with Caroline, fresh from her long time in a Chicago
strip club, EJ pulled his clothes back on and prepared the most
romantic thing he could come up with. Elvis revealed more about his
feelings for Samanther than we've ever known. He set up a symbolic
luncheon for her in the pub and dressed himself up in ocean blue. The
meal consisted of a fine Merlot and some reheated clam chowder. He
explained that it was an analogy for them. He was fine wine, she was
the clam he liked to nibble. No wonder she was confused as to whether
or not he loved the real her. She may be a bottom feeder, but there's
definitely no pearl inside. Dropping on his knees, he popped the
question. Her face contorted fifty different ways to show off all of
her phoney personalities. For a moment it looked as though it was
gagging in a lemon so bitter it would force her face to fall in on
itself. They scraped her together, reheated her and tried again. This
time she slowly burbled out a 'yes'. They were so jubilant that even
running into Lucas trawling though the alley with a boatload of sarcasm
wasn't enough to taint the salty smell of their lovefest. The happy
couple headed back to Casa DiMera to rub bacon against the headboard
where she recently showered pieces of his head.
Stefano was back and in
charge. Just to prove it, he was wearing some kind of leather tie and
had a new thug in toe, RicarBo. Apparently, he's been living at one of
the DiMera cloning farms and was scraped together from DNA left behind
in one of Babs' old biker outfits. Using a special technique, they
managed to clone him straight into the clothes and trapped there for
eternity. With RicarBo at his side, Stefano went out to do his
daughter's dirty work for her. Luckily for him, Sy's run at managing to
outsmart the DiMeras at a Brady level of competence soon took a
nosedive. He had become so fed up with having to live off of peanut
butter sandwiches that he ran out in the middle of the day to grab a
double deluxe explosion from Buddy's Burger Barn. That's all it took
for RicarBo and Stefano to stumble onto him and off him right outside
of the square. But even if Sy was sleeping with the clams, he was still
making Kristen's life a nightmare. She ran around in a tizzy about
where the envelope of doom had gone once it had fallen out of her
clutches. As usual, Brady couldn't get a job as the village idiot if
he'd had Einstein's resume. That's what made him such a great business
leader in Salem. When he wasn't contemplating his problems with Mr.
Wang, he was completely perplexed about how to open an envelope. They
weren't even the spit sealed kind. Kristen started dumpster diving for
it only to discover that the trash had already gone to the dump. But
the envelope had actually fallen into the hands of the quickest witted
member of the Brady clan: Ciara. As she pondered what to do with it,
John started clearing out his old garbage and dumped a Salem Moose
jersey on Kristen. Brady was apoplectic after seeing this apparent sign
Meanwhile, Cameron had
his drawers in a bunch after nearly having his revealing side-career
revealed. If having Chabigail stalk him around town wasn't annoying
enough, he had Ma Brady giving him lewd looks and Abe lecturing him
about how to be a better uncle. The dude was stressed out. Making this
even worse, Mz. Anne Milbauer was still out to get him, even if she was
gagging on her own tongue when she told the Abster that she wanted them
to play nice. But then maybe Anne was feeling lonely...
finally ran out of steam. The diva came to the realization that this
whole Dannifer plot was a dead end. Although she changed her mind about
how to end it so many times the energy she wasted could have powered
the town for a month, she finally decided to light out and leave them
to it. To celebrate, Scruffy and Scooby let out a few howls and then
pelted Parker with enough cupcakes to drive home the point that it was
all so sweet it could rot out your teeth or make you fat enough that
you could no longer turn your eyes away. But they weren't the only
lovers having ups and downs. Kate and Rafe had one of their weekly
break-ups. After he suggested that she might be using him to get to
Gabba, Kate declared that whatever she had that was sloppy for him, it
wasn't her feelings. After their little fight, they quickly reunited.
Down at the rectory, Vargas impressed Nicole with the fact that he
learned how to romance the ladies from watching Jarlena. He pulled out
his own whip cream and they licked it off each other under a portrait
of the Pope. I'm not sure that EJ was ever quite that kinky.
Lines of the week:
Lucas: Let me be the first to congratulate you on your next fifteen minutes of matrimony.
Cameron: They don't take Alzheimer's patients to the strip club for therapy.
Kristen: This is sheer torture.
April 12, 2013
last week's colossal Dannifer debacle, Chloe was left to pick up the
pieces. Unfortunately for her, even Legos would prove too challenging
and the whole thing turned into a hideous stew. Nic told the diva that
she knew she was up to her old 'tricks'. Perhaps Chloe caught on to the
'tricks' double entendre because she reminded Nicole for the second
time in two days that she can't have children. I guess being fertile as
a field of manure makes Chloe think she's the Queen of Crap. Too bad
for her that it was all about to hit the fan. Thanks to spotting
Nancy's stamped passport and the fact that Rafe is always happy to
circumvent the law to help his friends, Dr. Cowabunga got something to
holler about when he received confirmation that Nancy had run out of
the country with his child. The doctor was horrified that his son had
gone to Rio without him and come back without even getting a fake tan.
He confronted the diva about her misdeeds. She was apologetic and then
threatening and then apologetic and then threatening and then
apologetic and then threatening and then apologetic and then
threatening and then apologetic and then threatening. Eventually, she
was exhausted and had to admit that her brain was running on nothing
but 'fumes'. The diva decreed that she couldn't keep the doctor from
Meanwhile, Her Royal
Hortoness travelled all the way to Timbuktu to whine to her mother.
Laura tried to keep herself distracted by brewing abundant amounts of
herbal tea. Scruffy repeated herself about how she kept repeating
herself and couldn't stop gasping about how she couldn't stop gasping.
Things had become so grim for the younger Horton that she'd started to
think that even Anne Milbauer might be right about her after all.
Although this moment of clarity soon subsided, she went on to tease the
audience with a plan to move away to Europe and never be heard from
While half the town
battled for some clueless kid who just wanted to play with his dump
truck, almost everyone else continued to be embroiled over who was
staking claim on the unborn Horton-Hernandez. Things were getting
desperate. Even Sonny turned to Elvis to scheme. Although the prospect
of EJ and Sonny tag teaming to give Will what he wants is something
William has likely fantasized about, he didn't imagine it quite like
this. As usual, Will stood around with his mouth half open while his
mama was busy running hers. After spending last week trying to be
Rosalind Russell, Sami now started cultivating some kind of bizarre
Nancy Sinatra impersonation. It was unclear whether this was a new
fetish of EJ's and he'd skipped from scarves to boots. There was a lot
of kissy faces and grumbling about how they all had to make sure that
Nick never realized that they hate his guts and are out to get him.
This in spite of the fact that they'd already had one fight with Nick
about practically the same thing in that very episode.
of missing the obvious... although Kristen had given him five grand,
that wasn't enough for Sy to get out of town. You see, you need a more
substantial bribe than that to gain entrance anywhere in the world once
they've find out your from America's smelliest fish farm. Kristen was
getting so sloppy that even Brady almost caught on to her. Maybe she
should have gone to see Sy's tattoo artist and just had what she did
written on her forehead? And wishing to help Cam in his hard times,
Abba moaned loudly and publicly about his secret life as a pelvic
gyrator until Anne overheard. She decided to head straight to Chicago
to discover what Doogie has been hiding under his lab coat. Chad and
Abby motored after her. Chadsworth managed to get Milbauer too drunk to
know what was going on, but they could have another problem... Caroline
showed up to watch the show and couldn't help but notice that she'd
ladled the lad's chowder before.
Lines of the week:
Lucas: I'm not going to say 'I told you so,' but I am the one who told you.
Brady: I'd know that face anywhere. I punched it.
April 5, 2013
have to confess that I missed part of this week's proceedings. By the
time Thursday had rolled around, I'd taken so much of a Dannifer
overdose that I actually begged Soaps.com's Christine Fix to either
shoot me or bury me upside-down in a garden to be eaten alive by ants.
Since she is completely evil, she refused and strapped me back into my
chair in the basement at SoapOperaFan with my eyes stapled open. All
the same, it was still hard to stay awake when the most threatening
thing on screen was Vargas. Aside from his ability to rapidly remove
his shirt, he's about as threatening as a Kinder Surprise. That didn't
stop Nick from being in a panic whenever he saw him. The details of
their mysterious deal have yet to be revealed, but given the fact that
Vargas is always taking out his tool and fondling it when Nick's
around, chances are their relationship in prison was tighter than
Fallon cares to recall.
The underwhelming week
continued as Abby and Chadsworth became concerned about what on earth
Dr. Doogie was up to. He was constantly rising above his sexual
frustration with the Salem virgin, apparently by throwing himself into
his work. When Chad and Abby realized that he wasn't allowed to work
fifteen hours a day at the practically patientless hospital, they
decided to follow him and his abs all the way to Chicago. The only
place in that city open after 9:00 PM was a strip club. He couldn't
strip in Salem since all of the strip joints had been torched by the
local puritans. It's been a long time since they shut down Beefcakes
where Peter used to dance. Abby was totally shocked to see her
boyfriend's bulge being stuffed by a load of hooting horny ladies. Chad
decided it was time to unveil his stand-up comedy routine. His
half-sister's half-brother didn't appreciate it. Abby could hardly
close her eyes. It was unclear whether she was more shocked by seeing
that much male flesh or discovering that the most massive thing about
Cameron was his debt.
Back in Salem, Chloe
fretted up a storm to my poor Annie all about how her plan to break
apart Scooby and Scruffy could come to naught. Her eyes darted around
like a fly in an empty mason jar. Kate randomly walked into this
conversation to help pass some time between her bouts of stretching the
leather with Rafe. In a bit of irony, Jenn was forced to break the
heart of the man who had replaced hers. I guess he can always pick up a
new one on the slab. Since breaking up with him right under a photo of
Jack wasn't enough, she did it in front of all of the preying eyes over
at gossip central, aka the nurses' station. Even Maxine managed to keep
her mouth shut as Scruffy barked at Scooby that sex with him made her
feel empty and he wasn't half the man Jack was. If you're going to
discuss sex in a hospital, you have to be really graphic about it
town, Lucas put in his contractually obligated appearance to lecture
Sami for being true to herself. Being true to himself, he soon caved in
to her latest loony scheme and went along with whatever she demanded.
Then Elvis showed up so that he and Sami could rehearse some scenes
from a Cary Grant screwball comedy just like they used to in the old
days. They were one step away from throwing cream pies at each other.
That aspect had to be left to the viewers' imagination. Meanwhile,
William began the slow and steady climb to make his way to ask Stefano
to get rid of his cousin. And Kristen ran around town in her leather
pants, mocking Marlena, reminding John that his judgement is so bad
that he had a mullet for years and trying to threaten one of her thugs
to keep quiet. Unfortunately for her, the DiMeras really aren't as
frightening as they used to be.
Lines of the week:
Vargas: I guess the spiritual thing doesn't run in the family.
Chloe: Anne Milbauer was right about you.
Anne: I already knew she was a bitch but this is hardcore.
Lucas: Are you guys sleeping in your coffins?
Kristen: That mullet. What were you thinking?
March 29, 2013
and extraordinary suffering was in the air for Holy Week in the less
than holy land of the Salemites. Brady is so slow that the beating he
received a few months ago has now started to register. He had a
headache so Daniel urged him to take an aspirin or at least see a
neurologist. Maybe it was the fact that he has sex three times a day on
the most bacteria caked surfaces in Salem that was getting to
him? In spite of the pain in his brain, Brady trailed around town
to spread the news that he was planning to marry the most hated woman
in town. John and Marlena were appalled. This scene was complicated by
the fact that John kept trying on different eyebrow toupees since he
burned his organic pair off by glaring into the sun too long. But try
as he might, none of them quite managed to summarize the depth of his
feelings. Dizzied by their leaps, Brady eventually stormed off. John
tried telling his non-legal wife Marlena how angry he was at her by
literally knitting his false eyebrows together before peeling them off
and stapling them to the centre of his head like an exclamation point.
For her part, the shrink tried giving her facial muscles a break by
simply knotting a red scarf around her neck to distract people. Her
ever-perceptive son Eric managed to ignore this and doled out prayer
advice to her. She turned pink and started grumbling into her chowder
he was scheming with his devious sister, Kate slapped Rafe so hard that
his eyebrows bounced. Soon cluing in that he was clueless, she forgave
him and got down on her knees to do penance. We were always spared what
Sami did to make up for her frequent freak-outs. But it once again
confirmed that female on male violence means foreplay in Salem.
They left the door swinging open and started to open up something else
when Sonny walked in and got an eyeful. Perhaps it was that Poise
lubricant commercial that kept interrupting the scene, but all of this
burned too vivid an image into the Kiriakis' brain. Sonny was
traumatized and, believe me, if you spent a summer as a sex tourist
going to European and Asian underground clubs like he did, that takes
some doing. He ran away. William could sense how disturbed he was.
Sonny told him that they had to be totally honest to each other and
then lied to him about what he'd seen, much to the relief of Kate and
Rafe, who needed some relief after their premature interruption. She
then decided to prematurely break it off with Hernandez as a way of
pre-emptively preventing trouble with Stefano. If she'd tried any
harder, she could have just rewound through the past few weeks of the
show. Of course, this failed. They were back to baking love muffins in
no time. Unfortunately, she left some of her bling in his bed and when
he tried returning it to her, Daniel figured out that they were
knocking boots. Not only that, but Stefano walked up on them.
Meanwhile, Will was keeping secrets from Sonny. He had turned to his
mother and asked her to get help from the last person who blackmailed
him after he'd failed at blackmailing his son who had also blackmailed
him for trying to kill him and so on... The circle of moral crapulence
was as inflatable as Samanther's backside.
And not to be outdone, Chloe was traumatized after spotting Scooby and
Scruffy frosting their oats on the same dingy floor where she used to
do it with the doctor when Lucas wasn't around. She decided to do one
of the few things that Salemites are any good at: exploiting their
children for fun, profit or revenge. Before she could do that, she was
sure to say some things to Nicole that were so nasty a sixteen year old
girl wouldn't even say them to her best frenemy. Chloe started bleating
Charlie Sheenisms until Nicole decided she'd rather spend time in
church. The diva went straight to Her Royal Hortonness. After half an
hour of uncommunicative conversation, Chloe said that Scooby could
snack on her or he could hang ten with his kid but he couldn't do both.
An hour later, this actually sunk in for Scruffy once Chloe had
explained that she'd sent her son to live in Rio and, thanks to the
incompetence of the legal world, Daniel no longer had any rights to his
Lines of the week:
Kristen: Since when can we have a rational conversation with John and Marlena?
Kristen (to Marlena): Can you please not stand quite so close to me?
Chloe: I'm a winner!
March 22, 2013
getting married first thing in the morning, Nick and Gabba went
upstairs to break in their new sheets before she had to return to
slinging chowdah. Since Gabba was already the size of a house, Nick
decided it was time for her to move into the mansion before she burst
at the seams. She liked that idea, but was considerably less impressed
when he informed her that Will and his family were now out of their
child's life for good. Since the Bradys had cornered the market on
sitters, she could foresee a serious problem with this. Meanwhile, mope
as he might, Will was trying to accept the cruel twist of fate that had
befallen him. He was trying even harder to stop his mom from making
this worse. And even if she hadn't already screwed up in trying to
steal evidence, she was now trying to recruit their family's oldest
enemy to help them and spouting three dollar words until it sounded
like Elvis had his hand up her backside. Besides all of the bad blood
between the families, perhaps William had realized that, in spite of
being supervillains, the DiMeras are so incompetent at getting anything
done that the Salem PD even manages to outwit them. Elvis easily
convinced Sami to load their off-spring up so they could all move into
Casa DiMera. Samanther wasn't sure she could pull her punches where his
sister was concerned. Across town, Sonny wasn't pulling his punches
when Nick called him a certain 'f' word. They tussled. Nick was
unfazed. Will continued to worry.
Full of worries of her own, Marlena kept trying to talk to John about
talking. He couldn't talk about it. Roman frequently intruded on these
meta-conversations, inflaming John's eyebrows until they begin
communicating in a language all their own. Since she wouldn't stop
prying into his brain, he finally let her in on the fact that he wasn't
coming around to Kristen at all... it was all a ruse. Brady
conveniently walked in on this and had a tantrum. With family like
Jarlena, marrying into the DiMeras didn't look so bad after all. He ran
to Kristen and asked her to marry him. She wouldn't turn that down, but
she was still startled to realize that she had developed genuine
feelings for this overgrown puppy of a man. He ran off to tell Eric
about tying the knot. Eric thought he was a moron. From your lips to
God's ears, Father.
The priest had more on his plate. Vargas came out of the pen and
straight into Eric's rectory. He immediately turned on his rock-like
charm to convince the padre and police lady Hope that he was determined
to reform. When that wasn't enough, he took off his shirt. That's how
Nicole found him, hot and sweaty in her office. That gave her something
to think about in her long and lonely nights in the convent. Eric
remained as unknowing as usual.
speaking of the clueless... Abby's virgin eyes spotted Cameron doing
something mysterious. No, he wasn't getting undressed in a random
public place again; it was something that seemed even more
inappropriate. Abby was shocked to see him giving his money wad to some
random dude. Although given the fact that Abby can hardly tell plaid
from a penis, who knows how she interpreted this little scene.
Regardless, she realized it was unsavoury and did her best to shield
Cameron from scandal when Anne came around. Anne probably could have
been better used trying to help Chloe is her scheme to snag away
Scooby. The diva's plan kept taking a nose dive, proving that no matter
how cleverly planned something is, the unpredictability of idiots will
always trump it. While she was dressed in what appeared to be a giant
Ferrero Rocher wrapper, Her Royal Hortonness was being anything but
sweet, although perhaps a little nutty. Slap Happy Horton gave Scooby a
taste of her palm and then asked the bewildered doctor to talk about
it. He wasn't eager for the chance. Before he could leave for San
Francisco, Kristen started blabbing to him about how Jenn thought that
he'd taken a trip down Chloe Lane. Rather than running off to a medical
conference to knock up another of his colleagues, he tracked down Jenn
at the cabin. She had flowers in her hair. Declarations of love ensued.
Chloe had the misfortune to witness this and was so traumatized by
watching Dannifer drilling the ditch that it may have finally driven
her over the edge.
Lines of the week:
Daniel (to Jenn): Talk first, slap later?
Chloe (to Maggie): Don't you have anything better to do than play matchmaker between your niece and your son?
Anne: God deliver me from you Hortons!
Nicole: I hope you brought an umbrella because I'm about to rain all over Chloe Lane's parade.
Eric (to Brady): I was wrong about you. You're not a compete jerk. You're a moron.
March 15, 2013
was a battle for sleep this week in Salem. Everyone wanted to just go
to bed and forget what was happening. Kristen and Brady leaped from bed
to bed at Casa DiMera but couldn't get any sleep. Stefano couldn't
sleep because Salem is as quiet as a morgue and twice as boring. Dr.
Scooby wanted to sleep and the diva tried to drug him to do so while
her mother just wanted some sleeping pills so she could get some shut
eye. Roman obviously could use some more sleep because he caught Lucas
snooping in Hope's office and bought some of the dude's lame excuses.
Lucas and Sami, working together just like old times, have demonstrated
that they may be older but they are certainly not wiser. Not that the
latter matters much when you have to deal with the Salem PD. After
stealing a pass key and breaking into the evidence room, they searched
for what felt like an eternity. Once they narrowed it down from the
vast number of boxes which contained evidence implicating them in one
crime or another, they located the box they sought. Lucas tried to lift
her up, but ever since she started going out with EJ, she's been using
the new DiMera ass inflating drugs they've been creating. Lucas could
hardly keep his grip as her posterior expanded and contracted with the
rhythm of an asthma attack. Realizing that this was bound to happen,
Sami had doused herself in perfume to cover some of the unfortunate
byproducts of her new booty treatments. Rafe sniffed his way down the
hall to catch them. The stink of Sami had never left his memory.
Apparently, the smell had also corroded his brain because he let them
And speaking of corroded brains... Brady and Kristen moved into Casa
DiMera and got busy marking every nook and cranny like it was their
territory. Stefano managed to sleepwalk through dealing with them
without slipping on any of the wet spots they'd left on the floor. She
thought her plot was going swimmingly. John swanned in and gave his son
a sentimental gift. They had breakfast. Kristen was confused but still
took the time to stick it to Marlena about the whole thing. It was
clear to the psychiatrist if not to the psycho that John was actually
back for revenge. Of course, Brady interpreted all of this as meaning
that his father was still smitten with Kristen.
Giving Brady a run for his money, Will admitted that he was feeling
like the stupidest man in Salem. Sonny was impressed. That takes some
real work. William nearly spilled everything to Gabba but stopped
himself. Then his mom got busy trying to solve his problems for him.
Will wondered if he should worry. EJ was worrying for him and kept
trying to reel Samanther in but she was spinning yarns in her head
about how things could pan out. She thought that they should turn to
Stefano for help. After all, he's back and bored. Elvis reminded her
that his father blackmailed Will. He didn't bother reminding her that
he did the same thing. It was shocking that she didn't really seem to
care. When he suggested that they move in to Casa DiMera with her
brother and his sister, she tried to be okay with that but wasn't. EJ
and Brady had nearly murdered each other, she had nearly murdered EJ
and yet it was the fact that Kristen had tried to murder her nearly
mummified mother that was really burning her grits.
annoyed and confused persisted elsewhere. Scruffy continued to pull a
face all week. She looked like she'd bought a pair of Misty Circle's
tights off eBay and a 12-year-old's handmade velvet grad dress off
Etsy. No wonder Scooby was confused. He was even more confused when she
didn't pull her punches and clocked him, sending the orange right out
of his cheeks. Her Royal Hortonness had just caught him drunk and
unconscious in bed with Chloe petering around the room. Scruffy assumed
the worst. That's usually the right idea, but this time she was wrong.
She'd played straight into the diva's manicured hands. My Annie hardly
even had to help. Scooby remained clueless and could only assume that
Scruffy had joined the Salem Fight Club. "I am Jenn's wailing libido
and I have not been satisfied."
Lines of the week:
Sami: I'm glad you answered the phone.
Will: I wasn't thinking clearly.
Sami: It's not like we're going to take real evidence that they need for real criminals.
Kristen: It will take more than cheap gimmicks to get your son back.
John: I can afford more than that.
Brady: Too much cheese?
Lucas: Uh... this isn't Hope's office?
March 8, 2013
hit new highs and lows this week. Sonny demonstrated tight lipped wit.
Will continued to prove that he's become a stereotypical air-headed
blond. Lucas stood beside Sonny until they began to look disturbingly
alike. As Nick was busy blackmailing Will into dropping all ties with
his baby, all that Lucas Roberts "er, I mean Horton" could do was tell
Fallon that he wasn't a Horton anymore. Demonstrating mental powers
that beggar belief, Nick managed to completely ignore them all, as well
as Sami's blustering and EJ's threats, and just putter on with his life
like he was playing a round of golf. Samanther, furious that she
couldn't cow her new enemy, went back to the sex farm with EJ 'Snooki'
DiMera to play pig in the pokey. After introducing her to all of his
pillow friends, he revealed something that he has had the top minds of
DiMera Enterprises working on: an inflatable ass. He demonstrated that
with the proper gyrations, it can blossom out to a variety of sizes to
suit most common human needs, and perhaps a few not so common ones.
(See image.) After she was finished with the test rump ride, they
decide to reward themselves by plotting murder and mayhem. One can only
wonder if it would have been more or less thrilling for them if they'd
discussed gun play.
Outside of town, Eric went to the prison and was introduced to Vargas.
They shared an entire conversation about how Vargas' name was only
Vargas. You only need one name in the local clink. It's like becoming a
celebrity when that was hard. Eric wanted to help integrate him back
into the outside world. Vargas didn't think that was plausible until he
heard that meant moving to Salem. The big difference between Salem and
prison being that there are probably more innocent people in the pen.
But what do differences matter? Ciara showed the priest a picture she
drew and he couldn't tell the difference between a picture of himself
and a picture of Jesus. The little girl wanted to marry the holy man.
Maybe Nicole should have slipped her that ticket to Utah she still has
lying around... Poor Nic continued to come unglued. She was so stressed
that her eyelashes were falling out. Father Eric remained absolutely
clueless about her feelings. She didn't know how to clue him in.
Across town, Kristen moved Brady into Casa DiMera while the scent of
Maggie's muffins were still in his nostrils. She suggested that they
christen every room in the house. He did the gentlemanly thing and
didn't point out that he had already christened each of the rooms with
Nicole while she was married to EJ. They jumped on the chessboard.
Before they could sort out who would be the bishop and who would be the
queen, he started to tingle all over. While Brady's brain may not be
the most functional piece of his anatomy, his nipples have demonstrated
that they have ESP. They shook, stiffened and pointed at the door just
as his father arrived. John gave him a memento of Isabella's and raised
one eyebrow so high that Brady assumed that it must have meant
But much of the week was taken over by the ongoing battle for Scooby.
Nancy came to town dressed as a tiger and immediately began trying to
scare away her daughter's competition. She attempted to use reverse
psychology on Scruffy, but that failed because the Horton is already
arse over face about everything anyway. However, Scooby was much more
clueless. Scruffy went back and forth so much that the doctor ended up
feeling like he was just chasing his own tale. After overdosing on
Scooby snacks, he went to his room to sleep it off. The diva swanned in
Now to change gears a little... Sometimes, during my arduous week of
having to witness the atrocities that befall the poor citizens of
Salem, my grim day is brightened by some mail from concerned viewers
from all over the globe. Sometimes they rant and rail. Sometimes they
earnestly seek advice. Since I don't give advice, I thought I could
share this with the lovely ladies and gents out there so they could
send some positive thoughts to this frustrated woman.
I thought that
after the end of Aubifail, and once Gargamel had left for
Coo-Coo-Clockland, you would buck up a bit. Perhaps the stress of
seeing your father turned into Spam in an elevator was too much for
you... or maybe you've caught your mom's stupidity by osmosis... You
feel like you should have died in that elevator. I feel like you are
trapped in a shaft going nowhere. But what can I do? I am only a couch
potato hooked up to battery power a TV screen. Why were you so
horrified when you caught Cam half naked? Are you so virginal that you
think penises look like plaid cotton? What the hell did they teach you
at boarding school, lady?
The Island of Three Angry Nuns
Lines of the week:
Sonny: My dad says that EJ is a lawyer in the same way that Snooki is an actress.
Sami: Take me somewhere where Diane can't hear me scream.
Nick: You two want something to love, get a dog.
March 1, 2013
a sloppy and scattered week, I started to know what it must feel like
to be EJ DiMera's brain. With the help of whichever drugs they normally
use to make people have flashbacks on the show, Gabba's guts managed to
calm down to a murmur. Nick was livid, however, and told Lady Samanther
Brady that she and her clan had to clear off. Sami quickly realized
that her family operates what amounts to a mini totalitarian state and
threw that back in the ex-con's face. Meanwhile, William was in a tizzy
after his cousin had cornered him for nearly killing EJ. It was hard to
know who was being the most naive. As a Brady-Horton dating the scion
of a one percenter families, Will would never need to worry about
facing justice. Plus, Sami shot EJ in the face and now she sits on it.
If Will only shot him in the back, what could that possibly lead to?
Leaving logic aside, insanity prevailed as Sami huffed and puffed and
Nick strolled through the wasteland of Horton family history like a
zombie in order to make the point that no child would be safe with
them. He then presented William with the chance to give his son what
he's always wanted the most - Sami out of his life.
As usual, EJ was more interested in Rafe. He cornered Rafael about the
fact that he's obviously been getting cozy with Kate. Elvis could
hardly contain his glee about how they've shared yet another woman
together, bringing their bacterial intimacy one step closer. He wasn't
the only one noticing the eau de sexy wafting around. Marlena could
instantly whiff it when she walked by Kate. They had another strangely
friendly conversation. Marlena wasn't getting that anywhere else. Abe
talked to her like the world's dreariest mortician. And John certainly
wasn't giving her much to calm her flexing forehead. As usual, he was
more interested in Stefano, who was quite happy to tell his former pawn
that he was going to be Brady's new discipline daddy. Things were
slightly less scintillating in the Bristen booty camp. After a huge
build-up, Kristen offered to tell Brady everything that happened to her
while she was away from Salem. Rather than regaling him with a thousand
and one tales of her misadventures in harems across the Middle East and
Mediterranean, she settled on being excruciatingly vague and stretched
this out for so long that it would be enough to erase anyone's memory.
No wonder at the end of all of that nothingness the poor palooka was
willing to do anything she said.
week Salem was filled with catfights, hysterical pregnant women, angry
opera singers, former harem mistresses, supervillains, washed up porn
stars, scantily clad twinks, self-righteous virgins and psychotic
junkies and yet it felt strangely sedated. I have to admit that I fell
asleep a few times during the week's episodes. By some magic, this
didn't make much difference to the daily recapping. I was foggy on a
few things though, so I had to ask my parrot, Stinky Pete, what
happened. "You're the most evil person... evil person... craw...
cracker... chowder... slut... bitch... evil person... Scooby...
Scruffy... claw... claw... clap... cracker... craw... confessional...."
From this, I managed to clean that Scooby and Scruffy pawed one another
and Chloe and Abigail finally got into a fight ultimately leading to
another death for Dannifer. This also proved that no matter how dim the
diva may be, she still managed to outsmart three other Salemites put
together. Meanwhile, Nicole nearly confessed her carnal cravings for
Father Eric to him when she climbed into his box. If the awkward sexual
innuendo involved with that wasn't enough, the fact that he remained
clueless about what she was feeling was enough to make me wonder if he
hadn't received a serious brain injury in Africa.
Lines of the week:
Father Matt: I'll be in confessional.
Nicole: Thanks, but I haven't committed any crimes... lately.
Nick: The Bradys... How many people have been the victim of something they didn't mean to do?
Abby: This look doesn't work outside of a trailer park.
February 22, 2013
continued to fizzle as she confirmed for Dr. Doogie that her chastity
belt was still intact. That was awkward, but not as awkward as it would
have been if his half-brother Chad had filled him in about how he and
Abby used to resist their urges by doing one another's hair. Meanwhile,
the chaos swirled around Gabigate as Sami continued dipping her oar in.
Julie eavesdropped her way into the fracas and added her oar. They
pulled Will around town like he was a rowboat. Meanwhile, Rafe and Kate
did their best to lure Fallon the felon away from doing anything daft.
Nick pouted about how he'd done his time and shouldn't be punished for
it while the town is roamed by criminals like his new arch enemy,
Samanther the brain spatterer. Kate went into eyebrow overload during
this luncheon and Rafe took her away so they could play drop the
anchor. We were later treated to hearing about how much she enjoyed
getting her 'refill' of 'decaf'. He soon had to rear his head again as
Sami went into overprotection overdrive. She continued pushing for the
paternity test until even Gabba's unborn baby wanted to kick her.
Gabba's baby kicked so hard she nearly came out. Everyone was angry at
Sami. She wouldn't back off. Gabs was rushed to the hospital. After
some more prodding, Sami promised to back off and then ran back in to
try and make amends. Gabba was developing a full allergy to Sami. Her
baby was as angry as a drunken football hooligan. Maxine starting
saying prayers to try and keep the baby calm. For a second, Gabba
worried that Jesus had come and taken her baby away, but the baby had
actually just become too bored to pay attention. Meanwhile, EJ couldn't
help but nearly salivated when he noticed that Rafe was getting close
to another woman whom they both used to know in the Biblical sense.
Chloe got herself kicked out of the Kiriakis compound. She easily
managed to get the mustache to fall for her ruse. The diva had demanded
that he make the building greener by having the air ducts cleaned.
Apparently Chloe had actually spent most of her time in Chicago as an
annoying telemarketer. Victor was outraged and gave her the boot. Maggs
was not so easily manipulated. Now that her hair has flattened out,
she's acting far more level-headed to suit it. Chloe argued with her
until the former Horton decided that this conversation was too 'stupid'
to merit having. Who knows what fate would befall Salem if everyone
else decided to embrace this strategy? With one stupid conversation
ended, Scooby and Scruffy were left to pick up the slack. She demanded
that he cut all ties with his ex. That suggestion was so extreme his
color faded from orange to yellow.
(again) to her all-purpose plan of leaving the nunnery to go off to God
knows where. She could no longer shake the sexual tension with Father
Eric. She tried burning it away with holy water but that only led to a
few images better left in your imaginations. Nic went around to say
goodbye to her friends, or at least Rafe. Then she ran into her ex-
daughter. Syd could sort of recognize Nicole. What was more surprising
was that Nicole could recognize nu-Syd. Back at the rectory, Eric was
bludgeoned with a crucifix by one of the local Salem junkies. He
quickly recovered from that and he and Roman started making Irish
jokes. It was nothing compared to the self-flagellation he's rumored to
get up to. Nic had arrived in the nic of time to prevent him being
killed. Getting some of his blond and brains on her hand only increased
their bond, as is the norm in Salem.
Kristen must have been drinking a lot more than just shots when she was
in Chicago because she was having hallucinations by the time she got
back to town. While most people get blurred vision when they are
inebriated, her whole personality was becoming blurred. She couldn't
sort out her feelings and was starting to feel bad for Brady. Lucky for
her, Marlena stopped by to shrink her back into her old vengeful self.
The DiMera went over the top and asked Brady to share a roof with her
father. He was so miffed that he took his pants and went home.
Lines of the week:
Brady: (to EJ) Bite me.
Sami: Since when do women go into labor because of fighting? I have four children!
February 15, 2013
Day came to Salem this week and brought a blizzard of sappiness with
it. However, Scooby, Scruffy, Fred and Daphne's trip to America's
murder capital for romance was abruptly cut short. Chloe called up the
doctor to inform him that Parker was ill. He and Scruffy rushed back to
town. Parker quickly recovered and went back to hurling blocks at his
pops. Chloe and Scruffy sneered at one another. Even Anne joined in on
that. Finally, Scooby gave Scruffy the evil eye for her deception which
robbed him of the chance to see his son puke. She went home and kicked
herself. Scruffy was dying, weighted down with so much excess Scooby
snack that she looked like she was going to have kittens at any moment.
She tried to make amends to the doctor, but it was supremely awkward
since Chloe was settling into his pad like water under oil. Meanwhile,
for reasons I fail to fully understand, Kristen thought that getting
rip-roaring drunk would be the perfect way to convince her recovering
addict boytoy that they should be together until they are no more than
lusty dust. It wasn't.
February 8, 2013
It was a climactic week
in Salem as Elvis finally managed to overcome his near crippling
obsession with scarves and settle on just letting Samanther wrap
herself around his neck. He turned out all of the lights so that he
could at least retain the sensation that he was intercoursing with his
pillow heap. They bumped uglies in an ecstasy so subdued it made the
post-coitus pizza bagels he served her seem exotic. By the time
morning came and came again, the news had spread. Johnny and Caroline
clued Rafe in. Ma Brady wasn't totally thrilled that she'd been used as
a babysitter so Sami could play the seed game with a DiMera. Rafe did
his best to act like he didn't care, but he was clearly horrified. He'd
been in love with a woman who didn't really exist. Apparently God had
changed the writing team without telling him. Rafe was reluctant to
hear about Samanther spreading her crumpet with EJam. She hunted him
down to smear it on him anyway. Luckily, he had visited a few internet
message boards and had a few nasty things to say about her stored up.
She refused to believe any of it and flailed off to flame Brady about
the fact that he was still hooking up with a DiMera. He thought that
was pretty rich and they tried to figure out who was the biggest
psychotic twit in all of this. That came to a bit of a draw.
Meanwhile, Nicole's plan to break up Brady and Kristen crumbled faster
than crackers into a bowl of chowdah. She was hauled down to the
station by the bored and Bopeless Hope. Eric went along to give her
spiritual advice. Kristen and Brady didn't want to press charges.
Victor felt differently. He enjoyed making her squirm so much that he
brought candy along for the show. In the end, he admitted he was just
wasting police time because there was nothing better to do. Hope easily
persuaded him to drop it, but she wasn't impressed that she actually
had to do some work for once. She had an even harder time getting him
to drop his enquiry into what harbor Babs was currently dropping his
Detective Hope probably should have been paying more attention to the
other scandal that was engulfing her family. As Gabigate continued to
putter along with the urgency felt by the bladder of an incontinent
camel, Samantha urged her son to get a paternity test done as soon as
possible. She reminded him that she knows all about paternity tests and
what significant plot devices they can be. Since he is in some ways
still the victim of her past schemes, he was reluctant to listen to
her. But since Will got his copy of the sonogram he's been tripping
around Salem with it like it's coated in LSD and he's licking it with
his eyeballs. He finally agreed to pressure Nick and Gabbah to go along
with test. Nick promptly paid a visit to the Salem surveillance shop
and planted a bug on William before sending a blackmail text to Lucas.
The father and son promptly blundered straight into unwittingly
admitting everything on tape.
The week was bookended by Jenn's (aka Scruffy) twin attempts to get her
flower watered by Scooby (aka Daniel). Down to his skivvies, Scooby
climbed on top of Scruffy. He was starting to notice that the scar from
that gaping hole he'd torn in between her cleavage was gone. Before she
could tell him about her magical holes, Chloe called to interrupt. She
played him her special effects tape of crying babies. He wasn't a
pediatrician so Scooby was really perplexed when the sound started to
skip. He ran back to the mansion. It quickly dawned on him that there
was nothing wrong with the wee one. Before he could lay into the diva
for ruining his lay away, Parker blurted out 'Daddy'. Scooby assumed he
was talking to him, rather than the wooden block in his hand. In the
hands of a more talented writer, this incident could have opened the
door to the strangest 'who is your daddy' plot in Daytime history.
Either that or the kid has already realized that his father is a
blockhead. Unperturbed, Scooby and Scruffy planned another lascivious
getaway. This time, Her Royal Hortonness fed the town diva faulty info
to trip her up. Armed with the help of Anne and some kind of
superlaxative, they plotted to severely crimp Scruffy's night out, or
at least make it far messier than expected. When they failed to hunt
them down, the diva suddenly noticed that Parker was severely ill.
Luckily she'd arrived just in time since Maggie hadn't even noticed.
And Abba continued getting closer to the town's only resident who seems
to be aging in reverse - Dr Cameron "Doogie" Davis. He showed up with a
heap of flowers almost as big as he was and, in a cracking voice, asked
her out for grapefruit. Their new romance consisted of a conversation
about gluten. Doogie promised to take her to the movies next. After
that, he plans to discuss the importance of fibre with her. This will
logically lead to him explaining the importance of a clean colon to the
town virgin. Half-brother Chad may have tipped him off that Abba isn't
into clam shucking. I'll leave you to surmise what this means, but it
should lead you to the only realistic explanation to justify this
Lines of the week:
Kristen: Karma is a bitch and her name is Kristen.
Kristen: You don't want to fall in love with a priest. It makes married men look like a walk in the park.
February 1, 2013
was a momentous week in Salem. Jenn finally answered my burning
question: What makes Daniel so appealing? Apparently it's that he's a
mamma's boy who does a great Scooby-Doo impression. This finally
explains why his pet name for Her Royal Hortoness is 'Shaggy'. Sensing
that the Shagster was craving to love, Hope encouraged her to outwit
Chloe the devious diva with romance. Shaggy decided to take him out for
hot chocolate and marshmallows. Hope was sure that nothing impresses a
man more than the ability to cover your face in fluffy white goo.
Unfortunately, when Shaggy got to Scooby's, no one was there but Chloe
in the doctor's shirt and Parker looking as bored as the audience.
Chloe was sure that this little mind game of hers would have the Horton
cringing. Shaggy managed to meet up with the surgeon at the pub. She
was wearing lace. He was confused. She explained that she had a Scooby
snack she needed him to munch on. She wanted to feed him right away,
but, for mysterious reasons, decided that this was something they could
only do out of town. I guess what she had in mind is one of the few
things that are actually illegal in Salem. Dr. Doo was down with that.
They made their way to the infamous Salem chalet, usually host to
swinger conventions and other 'medical' conferences. She dropped her
trenchcoat. "Ro Ro, Ro Ro Ro Roooooo," he said romantically. She
scratched him behind the ears, but before she could play with his tail,
Chloe called and killed the buzz.
Almost as anti-anticlimactically, Billie decided her days in Salem were
over. She explained this to her mother by reminding her of when she was
a heroin addict. That logically led to her being attracted to Babs and
things continued to go downhill from there. She'd finally pulled
herself out of that leathery pit to be whatever she is now, some kind
of secret agent presumably. But since the ISA hasn't actually given her
any work to do and CW doesn't seem to do anything at all, she found
some other job. Both ladies showed some pearly tears and Billie left in
a cloud of psychedelic business attire. Meanwhile, Babs' other former
wife, Hopeless, went out of her way to listen to everyone's marital
problems. She was particularly keen to hear all about Marlena
apparently parting of ways with the man who at least one of them in
actually married to. Rafe managed to be the only person to notice that
Babs has been gone for a long time. Everyone else thought that he'd
just gone upstairs to shave his facial hair into a heart, but it turned
out that he actually sailed away to parts unknown with whichever of his
children he managed to bump into. At least that was Hope's story and
she was sticking to it, deliberately running away whenever she was
Continuing down the road to saintliness, Nicole finished re-organizing
the church bureaucracy before inserting herself into the middle of
Brady's love life. She decided to scheme her way into breaking up Black
and DiMera. That flopped as gracefully as a bowl of chowder spills onto
a cocker spaniel's head. Brady was sick of everyone sticking their
heads into his love life. Kristen continued talking to everyone like
she was a bored kindergarten teacher and they were stupid babies.
Meanwhile, the battle over Gabba's baby bundle continued to bring the
joy. At least Will was happy. That was doomed to fail. Nick spent five
minutes on the internet and was completely caught up on everything
Lucas has done in the past five years. That gave him a cunning plan for
custody. All the while, Sonny continued to mope about breaking up with
the Horton. Brian tried to distract him. He may not have been able to
hook him up with some donuts, but he offered him something almost as
exciting. Sonny managed to resist, but not before William spotted them
week was hardest hit this week when Sami breezed into the pub to blow
her stack at her. Gabba could barely breathe her air. Rafe made her
back off. She went home and called Elvis, who was busy doling out
ironic advice to his little brother about coming in second. EJ slowly
sauntered over Samanther's. As one EJami told me, "He's a gentleman. He
always comes second." Sami told him that she'd seen the real Rafe.
She'd been understandably confused about who that was since Elvis had
sent a fake one to, as she used to put it, 'rape' her a few years ago.
But now that she'd seen that Hernandez put his family before his
pelvis, she knew that Elvis was the right fit for her. Rafe didn't seem
to care. EJ was so disappointed that his rival wasn't jealous that he
went to Sami's and nearly burst into tears. She blubbered to him until
he finally made her stop by kissing her. The truth is that EJ really
loves Rafe, which is something anyone can see simply by watching the
long intense glances they cast in each other's eyes. He loves him so
much, he had his own copy made. Unfortunately, much as with his blatant
desires for young William, EJ continued to forcefully to repress his
homoerotic longings, displacing them onto a woman who used to be a man,
one who doesn't seem to mind what Nicole used to refer to as EJ's
'perverse and degrading tastes'. He told Sami that was the only woman
he's even looked at in the past six years (somewhere Nicole and Taylor
shook their heads). When she made her move on him, he got as jumpy
as... well, Abby. He was overwhelmed. This was just like what he'd been
rehearsing with his fluffy silk pillows. Terrified, he offered to
leave, but she insisted that he stay and decorate her hallway.
Lines of the week:
Kristen: You just called me a 'phony bitch'. Now I'm going to have to rethink my entire existence.
Kristen (to Nicole): I am very tolerant of you. You know why? Because I
know you care about Brady. But you are so completely insignificant to
me. You are not worth the energy to react.
Maggie: When he knows you better, we can have a 'who is your daddy' party for him.
Daniel: I can't wait to see that cake.
January 25, 2013
Gabigate continued as
the news that Salem's most famous gay man impregnated someone began to
spread. Sonny could hardly believe it. What made it worse was the fact
that his mother had already warned him that some kind of daysaster was
headed his way if he got involved with a scion of Sami. Keeping his
inner turmoil underwraps was so exhausting for him that he seemed to be
sleepwalking through the entire event. Apparently being surrounded by
that much coffee on a constant basis finally makes you immune to its
effects. His parents showed up to try and snap him out of it. No dice.
Will showed up and proclaimed that he wanted him to be part of the
baby's life with him. His child could have three daddies and a mummy.
Will really does take after his mother. Meanwhile, Nick turned to the
father of the boyfriend of the baby-daddy for legal counsel. EJ had
already hired the town's 'leading custody lawyer' to rep Will. I guess
Nick didn't have a lot of options left. Justin refused to help take
away another man's baby. Nick got busy using his often mentioned
intellect. He decided to let William sit in on the sonogram and moon
over the baby to be. Gabi and Abby took a break from discussing babies
to discuss the fact that the Abster was still a virgin. Gabi couldn't
help but notice the irony. Look sister, having sex in Salem is a bad
idea. Even if you're gay, someone winds up pregnant.
though sex and daysaters are never far apart, plenty of Salemites were
still ready to drop their britches around their ankles. EJ did his best
Rafe impersonation as he defended Samanther to Rafael. Sami was
impressed. It was like being with RoboRafe only with less personality
and no sense of humor. She took EJ home. He could hardly resist
sniffing her leather pants. They reminded him of all of those posters
he had of Tom Jones in his dorm room at the all boys school. While Sami
may not have kept her mustache from her time as a man, she's obviously
kept another part of her maleness. She and Elvis dry humped on the
couch until it was about to pop out. He finally pulled away before they
could loosen their belts. He insisted that he had to do the right thing
and wait. Lucas miraculously showed up. EJ went home, doffed his
clothes and cuddled with his pillows and sucked on some bonbons before
calling her to giggle about using his head. He can only use the one on
his shoulders on special occasions since he only has half of it left
thanks to her. But that's okay. He may have limited brain matter but he
has magical baby batter. Lucas tore into her, reciting all of the
anti-Sami mail sent in by viewers.
Lucas was lecturing his ex, one of his other exes was also getting into
mischief. Chloe began to ratchet up her plan to wrest Dr. Orange away
from 'the dull one'. Her Royal Hortonness was actually clever enough to
see this coming a mile away. Apparently the diva and Anne had been
broadcasting a little too loudly. But how do the diva and the Jenn
hater know each other? Chloe used to volunteer at the hospital, singing
high pitches in the neurology wing as they did experiments on hearing
loss. That's where Anne first laid her eyes on her. She'd just managed
to emerge unscathed in the recent hospital scandal around stolen organs
and had been keeping her head down. The two of them quickly bonded out
of a shared passion for big hair and Barbara Streisand. More details to
follow... Meanwhile, Kristen actually got so excited that she jumped up
and down. She'd just watched John tell Marlena he was leaving the
stench of Salem behind for awhile to get his brain working again. If
she'd really wanted him to stay, she could have just called the geek
squad over to tinker with the CD drive in his head. And Nicole was
advised by a priest to do something selfless, so she decided to wade
into the Brady and Kristen debacle. Does this mean that every time
someone starts meddling in other people's business, it's really the
Lines of the week:
Nicole: (to Sami) How's it goin' there, Granny?
Rafe: I saw the real side of Sami. Guess what? It's a nightmare.
Lucas: So what is it? Rafe on Thursday and EJ on Friday?
January 18, 2013
was wedding day in Salem this week. As Victor observed, it didn't go
off that badly. After all, no one was shot and there was only a minor
incident of pummelling. Weddings are usually so prone to disaster and
death that if the Salem PD wasn't so heavily involved in them, they
should have been lobbying to make them illegal. Judging by some of
Chadsworth's new mannerisms, he's been spending most of his time holed
up watching Christian Slater in "Heathers." He managed to pull himself
away long enough to ruin the wedding just as it was turning into a
platter of cheese. It wasn't easy for him to do it. After all, it would
cost him his sexually frustrating future with Abstinence Abby, but
somehow ruining Gabi's life seemed even more tempting. What he wasn't
prepared for was Rafe polishing his knuckles on his noggin. Hope pulled
them apart and made each of them stand in a corner. She threatened to
have Chad arrested for assaulting a police officer. I guess Rafe
bruised his knuckles. Doug and Julie arrived in time to sink into the
gossip before they slipped out of their cruise wear. Meanwhile, Lucas'
big mouth was getting in the way. He had a very private conversation
with his son in a very public place and Nick just happened to eavesdrop
on it. He'd apparently taken a cue from how Chad had managed to get
Displaying her usual extraordinary skills, Sami managed to make this
all about her. She hurled her bile at Gabi until Rafe waded through the
muck to rescue his nutty little sister from his even fruitier ex-wife.
Showing his usual range of emotions, he raised his eyebrows and waved
his arms like an air traffic controller until the whole thing blew
over. Across town, Chad informed his big brother about the palaver.
EJ's eyebrows nearly popped off his head. He quickly guessed that his
dumb ass brother had managed to put a wrench into the Safe reunion and
decided it was time to unleash the screws. He showed up at her place
with wine and a freshly mowed chin. They got cozy on the same spot
where, only a few hours before, she'd nearly allowed Rafe to release
his dolphin. After these distractions, she finally managed to track
down her son and lecture him. Both of them did their best to try and
make the conversation not revolve around her, but the results were
middling at best. If getting it from his mom wasn't bad enough, it
looked like he wouldn't be getting anything from Sonny anymore.
Apparently, he hasn't been looking for that kind of daddy.
And speaking of daddy's... Daniel settled into being one. Jenn was
around to feel awkward about the whole thing. Parker was so excited by
all of this that he literally crapped himself. Daniel and Jenn called
his mom in to change the diaper and then tried to get back to life as
usual, only now with ice cream breaks. Nicole finally broke it to Chloe
that she'd schtupped Daniel. After some name calling, they both had to
accept that they were miserable washed-up sex trade workers in love
with a slutty doctor who didn't want either of them. Instead, he was
smitten with "Her Royal Hortoness" Queen of the Prisses. Chloe decided
to go into offensive action after a vengeful Kate tipped Jenn off about
Chloe's hooking history. Displaying more strategic competency than
we've ever seen from her, Chloe recruited Anne to her cause. After
confessing her past to the doctor, she made it look like Jenn was
plotting to have the child taken away.
town, Kristen's plot continued to plod along. Angry John had moved out
of the townhouse, leaving Marlena to pop her own tarts for breakfast.
The shrink went to her office to moan to Hope about Kristen. Since she
hadn't already perverted the law enough this week, Hope had a cunning
plan. She convinced the talking doctor to wear the newest model in the
Hope Faith and Miracles line of surveillance brooches. The shrink slunk
over to Kristen's attempted to outwit her by using the oldest trick in
the book. This was so obvious that Marlena could have been doing the
whole thing in pantomime. Kristen managed to make the doctor look like
the bad guy. The doctor continued displaying her ongoing talent for bad
judgement and left the incriminating recording lying around for John to
find it. He listened to it and made the biggest stink face since the
sewers blew up. John went from feeling like a pawn in Kristen's scheme
to feeling like everyone he cared about had been replaced with
doppelgangers. Marlena knew just how he felt. He declared the air in
Salem toxic and decided to leave so he could rejuvenate his brain.
Meanwhile, Brady's brain continued to suffer the after affects of the
last time it was damaged. Kristen almost started feeling bad for him.
Lines of the week:
Chloe: He likes it vanilla, just like his daddy.
Nicole: And I thought he was scraping the bottom of the barrel when he was with me...
John: I feel like everyone I care about has had their mind replaced with someone else's.
Marlena: I know exactly how that feels.
January 11, 2013
K returned to Salem this week with news so heavy and sad that he had to
wear his invisibility cloak to spare the audience the sight of his
tears. At least that was the official line. Rumor has it that the grief
was so great that it had dislodged his second face. After rowing to
Salem with his peg leg, the faceless non-father dropped off Parker and
descended to the Kiriakis bunker to become the town's version of
Phantom of the Opera. Victor managed to take the news that Parker was
really Daniel's son with an unusual level of calm. Maggie is apparently
still drugging his breakfast. Either that or she makes him get up at
two in the morning to help her do her hair for the day. He only managed
to use the word 'slut' once to mark the return of Chloe. Kate was a
little more indulgent. After skipping through her list of expletives,
she finally settled on 'whore' and remembered that the diva actually
used to be one. That gave her a fiendish plan.
Chloe immediately sunk back into the mire better known as Salem. It had
changed so much in the year she'd been gone. Now everyone drank coffee
instead of booze. It's like prohibition had finally hit, or was that
just a bad dream of Nicole's that they re-ran three times? The diva had
obviously been keeping on Daniel's wave length. After all, it looked
like they go to the same tanning salon. She did her best not to cringe
at the thought of him with Jenn. Not everyone has that talent. Chloe
quickly found a friend in Anne, the current president of the Anti-Jenn
club at the hospital. Meanwhile, Lucas was actually happy to hear that
his ex was back. He assumed that she would ruin things for Jenn and
Daniel. Apparently he still hasn't clued in to how deeply the stupidity
And speaking of errors in judgement... After dating for a little over a
month, Sonny asked Will to move in with him. He even cleared out half
of his closet for him. I'm sure there was supposed to be a joke in
there somewhere. This wasn't a good sign. Asking someone to move in
that fast is the worst form of premature ejaculation possible. Since
Will is emotionally retarded, he couldn't figure that out. And since
Sonny had to wait more than a year to kiss the guy, his sense of timing
has been lost. The sense of doom crept in. Surely William, from your
own experience, you know the only way to sustain any kind of
relationship in Salem is to actually end up in a three-way?
all of the wedding mania in the air, Sami and Rafe's feelings continued
to rekindle. They recalled being romantically tethered at their wedding
in the pet cemetery and her promise that they would get their own
kennel of dogs who they could teach them to play poker. He promised
some doggy style romance after the wedding ceremony. She got exited. EJ
was excited too. He came sniffing around and told her that he'd finally
shaken his scarf obsession and fallen in love with her again. She
didn't know what to say and nearly began crying. Somehow that didn't
matter and she blubbered anyway without really saying anything. She and
Rafe made out all over town. She mooned to Hope about how she and the
detective were the new Bope. Finally, the wedding got underway.
Chadworth was invited along by Abigail since he had made a public show
of putting his Gabi hate behind him. Abby swallowed this and he got his
invitation to the wedding. Considering how paranoid Nick and Gabi were
about everything else, it was a bit surprising they let that go. But
between having no hen night, a completely sober bachelor party that
felt like an AA meeting and Sami's recycled wedding mix piped through
the PA system, they obviously weren't thinking. Before they could be
pronounced man and wife, Chadsworth stood up to do the most unpopular
thing you can in Salem: denounce the hypocrisy of the Hortons.
Lines of the week:
Lucas: (to Jenn) I can't believe you're so stupid.
Kate: You may be the world's worst mother ever!
Chloe: Oh, don't give up that crown so easily.
Sami: Brady's always had a thing about slutty bitches so he was easy prey.
Daniel: He's a monkey. He takes after his father.
January 4, 2013
Christmas out of the way, Salemites quickly leapt into New Year's
celebrations. At least the adults did. The kids weren't allowed. All
the same, Syd was happy. She loved her new penguin so much that she
called it Rafe, which led to some confusion. Sami didn't mind too much
though. I may have just been drunk and misunderstood this, but going by
Samanther's garbled New Year's Eve blather, it sounded like the kid
bathes with her little Rafe in the washing machine. The revelation that
Sami shoves her children into appliances with the rest of her stuff
finally explains how Johnny and Sydney's hair always stays so curly.
penguin obsession continued as EJ dressed up in a giant laughing
penguin suit to impress the children and their mother. That got
Samanther purring. They went down to the town square for the big
shindig. Since Eric would rather spend his time helping the homeless
than needy Nicole, she went to the big event with Rafe the dateless
wonder. Sensing that he would rather
he ringing in the new year with Sami, she left them alone and
distracted EJ at Caffeinated. Nicole deliberately spilled his
over-priced champale on his crotch. She then climbed on top of Elvis
and planted her tongue so far in his mouth that she could feel the
draft from his bullet hole. He eventually got her off his face and ran
back to the square where Rafe and Sami had decided to toast to the new
year with their tonsils. As soon as they'd swapped spit, Elvis swanned
over and nearly threw her on the ground so he could publicly suck
Rafe's saliva out of her mouth. Sami didn't seem to notice that he
tasted like his ex-ex-ex former pornstar wife. Elvis wasn't finished.
He hopped around town with Sami in his black and white get-up,
romancing her with florescent champagne and smacking his lips like some
anglicized version of Pepe Le Pew. Although this was hard to resist,
she continued fantasizing about Rafe until Lucas called to say that
Allie had caught a cold from sleeping in the fridge. Rafe's smooth
talking continued the next day as he confused Sami with a hodgepodge of
casual insults, bromides and kisses.
While Elvis' plans for romance were clearly in danger of being
bamboozled, his brother was faring a little better. He spent the
holiday playing Monopoly with Abigail. Maybe it was the scarf that
Chadsworth was wearing, or the way his little car had bumped into her
thimble, but she couldn't resist kissing him. Jenn had managed to pry
herself away from her virginal daughter and the douchebag to bask in
the orange glow of Doctor Dan. "Every day with you is like a trip to
the apple orchard in autumn," she cooed. They decided that they had
been going in slow motion for too long and needed to speed things up.
After she teased him with some surgical sexual euphemisms, the doc ran
back to his apartment to start a fire beside his bear skin rug. Before
he could order the Hawaiian pizza for the classy evening he planned,
Chloe delivered herself to his door.
The big drama of the week happened elsewhere. Marlena deliberately sent
John off to Brady's office, sure that his son would be having it off
with Kristen. Sure enough, he walked in on Brady 'the gullible nitwit'
demonstrating his 'mind-bending virility' by marching his cream puff
into Kristen's enchanted forest. John was outraged, and not just
because they'd soiled a perfectly decent desk. In fact, it was one of
the few pieces of office furniture left in town that hadn't been
varnished with human remainders (Brady and Madison, John and Marlena,
Philly and Chloe and EJ and Kate to name a few of the former culprits).
He did his best not to call his son a desperate idiot. It was hard. He
tried 'mad with grief' instead. Brady was hard headed about it.
Apparently every time he's had his head whacked, it's managed to grow a
thicker layer of bone. They soon began clobbering each other in the
hopes that they might knock some sense in. They wound up in the
hospital and, even without Maggie's help, the gossip spread fast. A
parade of cringes went by. Everyone weighed in but Brady was still
falling for Kristen like a sinking ship. Meanwhile, John realized that
his (not real) wife had been keeping the whole affair involving his
ex-(not real)wife a secret and started to feel like he was a beached
Lines of the week:
John: Do me a favor, Son. I mean, right after you zip up your fly.
Brady: Is this one of those commandments that I never heard of? Thou shalt not go to bed with thy father's ex-whatever.
Nicole: EJ is as attractive to me as a school bus fire.
Kristen: (to Marlena) Your first language really is melodrama, isn't it?
Sonny: Does that one come with an instruction manual?
Will: Would you want to read it if she did?
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2012
Matt's Musings on Days of Our
Lives from 2011
Matt's Musings on Days of Our
Lives from 2010
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2009
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2008
Fun Fact: Matt Purvis wrote these just for you!
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