Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives

new! May 17, 2013

The week started with a bang, or at least a thud, as Rafe's tender cranium was dealt a brutal blow. He was then kicked until he was squirting ketchup. Hope was called to the scene to investigate. Roman apparently had a heads up and left town to avoid doing actual police work. Abe was called away from being endlessly reminded that his wife was dead so that he could have a different body to contemplate. He didn't bother sticking around. Hernandez was wheeled over to Salem's most expensive butcher shop. The accusations about who would have made marmalade of his mind were soon flowing fast. It was enough to put a pregnant woman off her anchovy and green tea muffins. In fact, that's exactly what happened as Gabbah heard the news of the Rafe rollicking and rushed to her brother's bedside. He had always been so good to her, she sobbed. What would have happened to her if he hadn't forced her to do her calculus homework instead of watching "Passions?" She never could have married an ex-con and ladled clam goo in a back alley pub. Read the rest of this post on the blog >>

May 10, 2013
Kristen dropped by the rectory to taunt Father Eric about his mom. If she'd really wanted to razz him, she probably should have told Fathers Matt and Tobias that Eric's mom used to be possessed by Satan. Later, Brady told Kristen that he pulled some strings to assure that they could adopt a baby. She was so shocked she cried and realized she loved him. She ran home to sob to her papa. Stefano couldn't see the big deal. Anyone can buy a baby in Salem for a couple of bucks. She decided to head down to the secret room to wallow in her memories of the wedding that never was. Knowing how predictable all of this was, John managed to bribe his way in to see her and her box of memories. She claimed she didn't want to wallow anymore. He kept her there to wallow some more. Surprisingly, he hadn't decided to show up in his old rhinestone wedding outfit or fancy dress eyebrows. John tried twisting his face into a hypnotic pattern but she got tired and abandoned the conversation. Meanwhile, Marlena continued to come off as the world's least insightful psychiatrist, which is saying something. It wasn't always like that. She used to wear bigger shoulder pads that made her look authoritative. Now she looks like one of John's more brainless personalities in a wig. She fretted. Her son Father Eric tried to cheer her up. That failed. She spotted John and ran away in tears. The priest and the ex-priest bickered. Eric gave him such a stern warning about hurting his mama that thunder actually rang out.

While John and Kristen were re-living the nineties, JJ popped up in Salem dressed in the height of nineties fashion. Scruffy was startled and had to time to comb down the post-groping frazzles in her hair. She'd just spent the afternoon in bed with Scooby finding new uses for the toy trains they keep buying Parker. It wasn't a happy homecoming for the double J. He'd been expelled from boarding school for dealing the hippy lettuce. He insisted it was only his roommate, Screech, who was selling the way of the woo. At least his sister was happy to have him back. It momentarily distracted Abs from making double entendre to her abtastic boyfriend about the possibility of them one day rubbing abs together.

On the outskirts of town, Elvis continued with his apparently biennial attempt to take his father down. Justin admitted that the plan was better than he'd anticipated. This should probably send shudders through the world. The last time that Justin thought a legal plan sounded great it meant guaranteeing that we would be lumbered with Gabbah indefinitely. Back in Salem, where the action is, Will was so nervous for his mom's scheme to work that he started doing some kind of Woody Allen impression in most of his scenes. Eventually, he managed to tell Rafe that Nick didn't like gays. Rafe was in a rage and ran off. It turned out Will had good reason to be nervous. His mom's plan was an 'epic fail'. Trusting Stefano was stupid enough, but she couldn't even outwit someone who had the combined stupidity of a DiMera goon and a member of the SPD. Bernardi refused to give her the damning evidence. She tried jumping on his back to wrench it away and failed. Then Nick grabbed her and demanded the cash she stole from him. She threatened to kill him. He pointed out that he had dozens of copies of Will's confession. Even with the combined brain power of Sami, Will, Sonny and EJ, it had never occurred to any of them that you can make a copy of a digital file. Sami was sunk. But Nick's life continued to get complicated. Rafe vaguely confronted him about his plan to confront Gabi. Nick decided to stop him. Moments later, Rafe was pounded on the cranium. Considering the fact that Elvis was in a barely stifled rage over hearing his son admit that he would rather live with Hernandez, and even more disturbingly, in the same cramped apartment as a Rafe-Sami-EJ sandwich, he might have ordered the clobbering... Or Nick could have done it... Or Hope could have cracked under pressure and reverted to one of her alternative personalities.. Or the Salem fashion police could have learned that Rafe had another miniature FBI jacket for Johnny and decided to stop him from delivering it.

Most of this week's conversations didn't really go anywhere. Vargas managed to keep having one with Nick about how his cash wasn't going anywhere. Vargas was desperate to have his money tripled. Since Nicole won't have sex with him, he's totally screwed. Nick tried explaining economics to his former cellmate but his Count von Count impression wasn't cutting it. Vargas was probably worried that Nicky was going to take his order to 'grow' his money literally and buy 30,000 dollars worth of babies. In fact, Nick was planning to invest the money in an exciting new product created by DiMera Enterprises. As you may have noticed with one happy customer in Horton Square, it is triggered by your iPod and causes your ass to start inflating until you begin convulsively dancing in a desperate bid to try and keep it from exploding.

Lines of the week:
Daniel: Holy barnacles!

Ciara: She'll be back ten minutes ago.

Father Eric: What's your problem?
John: What's your problem, son?

Kristen: It's okay, priests are people too.

May 3, 2013
It was another week of the grand plots of Salem gently unfolding like lilies reaching for the sun in a fresh manure patch. Sami and EJ continued to settle into Casa DiMera, easing Will into his life in the vague expectation that Stefano will come to look kindly on his predicament. They seemed to think that if they act like comfy furniture, he will suddenly start granting them wishes. But could this plan to rub the supervillain's belly until he farted out miracles really work?

Sami pulled Sonny and Adrienne into the ever-expanding plot against Nick. At this rate, half of Salem will soon be in this massive pile-up. But even with the town's two major crime families against a single gaunt geek, they are still doing a crummy job. I have to admit that I've grown to like evil Nick in spite of myself. The show has gone so far out of the way to make him unsympathetic that it's surprising they don't have him drowning puppies and kicking Gabba in the baby oven. Considering how outnumbered by obnoxious enemies he is, he manages to become likable simply by contrast. Besides, no one else was making random and clever "Diff'rent Strokes" jokes. Vargas handed Nick a loaf of cash and urged him to buy some magic beans. Before Fallon could do it, Sami, Lucas and Sonny swanned into the mansion. Using Allie as bait to distract Maggie, Sami and Sonny slipped into Nick's lair. He stole Fallon's flashdrives and Sami nabbed Vargas' cash. Nick rapidly discovered this and confronted her. Luckily, EJ was there to defend her. If he hadn't been, she probably would have shot him, although that might have made EJ even more jealous of Nick than he was of Rafe. She had a gun handy thanks to Kate, who dropped it off as an engagement gift. You can't say everything with roses. Sami assured Lady Roberts that she didn't need protection. Too bad that's what she always taught Will. The anti-Nick brigade stopped being so cocky when it dawned on them that Stefano might actually screw them over. Sami took Elvis to bed and he offered to take his father out for her. He'd already managed to talk Justin into helping him with some kind of mysterious corporate take-over to destroy Stefano.

And speaking of destruction... John continued his plot to break apart Brady and Kristen. He wasn't just plotting on his own either; he seemed to be on a completely different show which required him to conjure up bizarre feats of facial gymnastics and use mysterious accents. Apparently one of those stolen flashdrives must actually have contained John's fully functional brain because he's just running on 'fumes' as someone said a few weeks ago. He gave Marlena back her key, barked at Roman and then ate a croissant. He was in a hurry to get back to his room to watch his "Rawhide" DVDs but not before admitting to Victor that he was planning blow up Kristen's scheme and he was going to do it by giving her a poke. Victor was so appalled that even insults failed him.

Over at the rectory, there wasn't a lot of Christian love around. There wasn't even a lot of lust, Christian or otherwise, as Vargas and Nicole became enemies even faster than they nearly became bedmates. He continued sucking up to the padre and threatening the ex-porn star to keep her mouth shut and stay out of his business. Nicole told him to drop the Eddie Haskell act. This reference was lost on me until I looked it up and recalled that Misty Circle starred in "Leave It To My Beaver." This is no doubt why Vargas couldn't resist doing his carefully studied fake orgasms to her face to taunt her. Meanwhile, Cameron and Abigail, or the Cabbage Patch Kids as they are known around here, continued their long journey down lover's land. Apparently Abby has been taking peeks at Dr. Marlena Evans' "The Secret to Loosening Your Lover's Belt is in The Kitchen." She ordered whipped cream at the restaurant to impress Cameron. Somehow, the double entendre of her covering his chocolate with her cream didn't quite break through his chiseled good looks into his overworked brain.

Lines of the week:
Sami: If I'd stayed awake during Biology we wouldn't have Will.

Roman: Just how dumb are you?

Ciara: Brady wouldn't marry a pirate.

Victor: Couldn't you do something less drastic? Couldn't you just kill her?

Abe: You're going to heroic lengths to keep this vague.

Nick: What? You talkin' 'bout what Will is?

April 26, 2013
The anti-Anne conspiracy continued this week as Abba roped Maxine and Jennifer into helping her derail Lady Milbauer's mischievous plan to ruin Cameron's career. Or at least his career as a doctor. His career as a careening pelvis seemed pretty safe. Knowing that Cameron would be greasing the rail, Anne dragged the hospital administrator, Mr. Burns, to Chicago to watch. Unfortunately for her, Abba realized what she was up to and recruited Salem's most devious sociopath, Sami Brady, to help foil the plan. The ladies ended up sending Scooby, Rafe and Brady up on stage to peel. If Babs had been there they nearly could have been a Village People tribute act. Anyway, the men doffed their tops for a nearly Amish level of lewdness that drove the women of Chicago into a frenzy. Even Kristen looked like she'd been electrocuted. If all of the strip clubs in Chicago are this lame, no wonder only one manages to stay open past 9:00 PM. All of this worked on Mr. Burns. Anne's plan collapsed and she continued down the road to a world of pain. The next day, Jenn got her job back and got in Annie's face about it. Jenn's sudden explosion of feistiness leads me to assume that Daniel's sperm must be as magical as EJ's. While the women the surgeon sleeps with usually go insane or become sex fiends (or both), Jenn's developed a backbone. This can only be the beginning of her slowly metamorphosing into some kind of dinosaur like creature.

This wasn't the only story leading off in odd directions. It seems like Dannifer ripped this week's adventures out of Misty Circle's old catalogue. Wasn't a cash-strapped doctor who started stripping and got their friends into it the plot of "The Naughty Nurses' Night Job?" Not that it matters. A former porn star living with, and lusting after, a priest while shacking up with an ex-con just happened to be the plot of "Misty Circle's Second Coming." Unfortunately, in real life, this didn't pan out quite the same for Nicole... After he offered her a taste of his cream donut, Nicole could hardly say 'no' to Vargas. They climbed on top of her desk in the church office. Before they could begin doing the beast with two backs on top of the plans for the monthly bingo, Eric walked in. He tried to control himself and all of the heat under his collar went straight to his hair, causing it to lurch out in a cowlick half a foot off his head. She reminded him that she'd never promised to be a nun. She and Vargas went up to her room. They stripped and she wrapped herself in the ritual full body cotton condom. He licked the donut dust off her cheeks until she started moaning Eric's name. He suggested she try not talking during sex. She didn't find that charming and kicked him out of bed. Nicole the un-nun quit her job. A few hours later, she was back. After nearly telling a disturbed Father Matt that he loved Nicole in a manner that wasn't entirely holy, Eric just couldn't let her go. She decided to stay and they shook on being BFFs for like ever and ever, Amen.

Meanwhile, Maggie reminisced with Brady about the old days when Daddy Squints and KD were whacking balls everywhere with the Salem Moose. Brady became enraged and went off to lock antlers with his pop. Considering how many mixed sexual metaphors were floating through the air with the random abandon of John's eyebrows, Brady wasn't sure what to make of it all. He made the safe assumption that whatever it was, it must stink. Kristen thought it stank too. Judging by John's facial expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.ging by John's facial expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.ging by John's facial expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.

Now, I must confess that I did not see Friday's episode because this week's Dannifer cuddle pile left me so nauseous that my doctor ordered me to take the day off. But here's what I assume happened... Sami and Will continue their fiendish plot to impress Stefano with their ability to sit in one place and have an asinine conversation. Brady nearly knocks his father's eyebrow toupees off when he catches him asking Kristen if she wants to make a Moose burger. Rafe and Kate argue and then have sex, after which he notices that he's begun to sprout a grey steak in his hair. And keeping up with this week's high standards, Caroline, Maxine, and Kayla decide to open a topless kissing booth down on the wharf so they can raise money to get Victor a new spine.

Lines of the week:

Sami: You're not going to say I'm being stupid and self-destructive?
Rafe: See? You already know it. I don't have to say a thing.

Nicole: I want to be friends forever.

April 19, 2013
* This week's wrap up may contain spoilers for U.S. viewers readers due to Friday's pre-emption *

It was the week that EJamis had been waiting for. After he spent a mysterious morning with Caroline, fresh from her long time in a Chicago strip club, EJ pulled his clothes back on and prepared the most romantic thing he could come up with. Elvis revealed more about his feelings for Samanther than we've ever known. He set up a symbolic luncheon for her in the pub and dressed himself up in ocean blue. The meal consisted of a fine Merlot and some reheated clam chowder. He explained that it was an analogy for them. He was fine wine, she was the clam he liked to nibble. No wonder she was confused as to whether or not he loved the real her. She may be a bottom feeder, but there's definitely no pearl inside. Dropping on his knees, he popped the question. Her face contorted fifty different ways to show off all of her phoney personalities. For a moment it looked as though it was gagging in a lemon so bitter it would force her face to fall in on itself. They scraped her together, reheated her and tried again. This time she slowly burbled out a 'yes'. They were so jubilant that even running into Lucas trawling though the alley with a boatload of sarcasm wasn't enough to taint the salty smell of their lovefest. The happy couple headed back to Casa DiMera to rub bacon against the headboard where she recently showered pieces of his head.

Stefano was back and in charge. Just to prove it, he was wearing some kind of leather tie and had a new thug in toe, RicarBo. Apparently, he's been living at one of the DiMera cloning farms and was scraped together from DNA left behind in one of Babs' old biker outfits. Using a special technique, they managed to clone him straight into the clothes and trapped there for eternity. With RicarBo at his side, Stefano went out to do his daughter's dirty work for her. Luckily for him, Sy's run at managing to outsmart the DiMeras at a Brady level of competence soon took a nosedive. He had become so fed up with having to live off of peanut butter sandwiches that he ran out in the middle of the day to grab a double deluxe explosion from Buddy's Burger Barn. That's all it took for RicarBo and Stefano to stumble onto him and off him right outside of the square. But even if Sy was sleeping with the clams, he was still making Kristen's life a nightmare. She ran around in a tizzy about where the envelope of doom had gone once it had fallen out of her clutches. As usual, Brady couldn't get a job as the village idiot if he'd had Einstein's resume. That's what made him such a great business leader in Salem. When he wasn't contemplating his problems with Mr. Wang, he was completely perplexed about how to open an envelope. They weren't even the spit sealed kind. Kristen started dumpster diving for it only to discover that the trash had already gone to the dump. But the envelope had actually fallen into the hands of the quickest witted member of the Brady clan: Ciara. As she pondered what to do with it, John started clearing out his old garbage and dumped a Salem Moose jersey on Kristen. Brady was apoplectic after seeing this apparent sign of affection.

Meanwhile, Cameron had his drawers in a bunch after nearly having his revealing side-career revealed. If having Chabigail stalk him around town wasn't annoying enough, he had Ma Brady giving him lewd looks and Abe lecturing him about how to be a better uncle. The dude was stressed out. Making this even worse, Mz. Anne Milbauer was still out to get him, even if she was gagging on her own tongue when she told the Abster that she wanted them to play nice. But then maybe Anne was feeling lonely...

Chloe finally ran out of steam. The diva came to the realization that this whole Dannifer plot was a dead end. Although she changed her mind about how to end it so many times the energy she wasted could have powered the town for a month, she finally decided to light out and leave them to it. To celebrate, Scruffy and Scooby let out a few howls and then pelted Parker with enough cupcakes to drive home the point that it was all so sweet it could rot out your teeth or make you fat enough that you could no longer turn your eyes away. But they weren't the only lovers having ups and downs. Kate and Rafe had one of their weekly break-ups. After he suggested that she might be using him to get to Gabba, Kate declared that whatever she had that was sloppy for him, it wasn't her feelings. After their little fight, they quickly reunited. Down at the rectory, Vargas impressed Nicole with the fact that he learned how to romance the ladies from watching Jarlena. He pulled out his own whip cream and they licked it off each other under a portrait of the Pope. I'm not sure that EJ was ever quite that kinky.

Lines of the week:
Lucas: Let me be the first to congratulate you on your next fifteen minutes of matrimony.

Cameron: They don't take Alzheimer's patients to the strip club for therapy.

Kristen: This is sheer torture.

April 12, 2013
After last week's colossal Dannifer debacle, Chloe was left to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately for her, even Legos would prove too challenging and the whole thing turned into a hideous stew. Nic told the diva that she knew she was up to her old 'tricks'. Perhaps Chloe caught on to the 'tricks' double entendre because she reminded Nicole for the second time in two days that she can't have children. I guess being fertile as a field of manure makes Chloe think she's the Queen of Crap. Too bad for her that it was all about to hit the fan. Thanks to spotting Nancy's stamped passport and the fact that Rafe is always happy to circumvent the law to help his friends, Dr. Cowabunga got something to holler about when he received confirmation that Nancy had run out of the country with his child. The doctor was horrified that his son had gone to Rio without him and come back without even getting a fake tan. He confronted the diva about her misdeeds. She was apologetic and then threatening and then apologetic and then threatening and then apologetic and then threatening and then apologetic and then threatening and then apologetic and then threatening. Eventually, she was exhausted and had to admit that her brain was running on nothing but 'fumes'. The diva decreed that she couldn't keep the doctor from their son.

Meanwhile, Her Royal Hortoness travelled all the way to Timbuktu to whine to her mother. Laura tried to keep herself distracted by brewing abundant amounts of herbal tea. Scruffy repeated herself about how she kept repeating herself and couldn't stop gasping about how she couldn't stop gasping. Things had become so grim for the younger Horton that she'd started to think that even Anne Milbauer might be right about her after all. Although this moment of clarity soon subsided, she went on to tease the audience with a plan to move away to Europe and never be heard from again.

While half the town battled for some clueless kid who just wanted to play with his dump truck, almost everyone else continued to be embroiled over who was staking claim on the unborn Horton-Hernandez. Things were getting desperate. Even Sonny turned to Elvis to scheme. Although the prospect of EJ and Sonny tag teaming to give Will what he wants is something William has likely fantasized about, he didn't imagine it quite like this. As usual, Will stood around with his mouth half open while his mama was busy running hers. After spending last week trying to be Rosalind Russell, Sami now started cultivating some kind of bizarre Nancy Sinatra impersonation. It was unclear whether this was a new fetish of EJ's and he'd skipped from scarves to boots. There was a lot of kissy faces and grumbling about how they all had to make sure that Nick never realized that they hate his guts and are out to get him. This in spite of the fact that they'd already had one fight with Nick about practically the same thing in that very episode.

Speaking of missing the obvious... although Kristen had given him five grand, that wasn't enough for Sy to get out of town. You see, you need a more substantial bribe than that to gain entrance anywhere in the world once they've find out your from America's smelliest fish farm. Kristen was getting so sloppy that even Brady almost caught on to her. Maybe she should have gone to see Sy's tattoo artist and just had what she did written on her forehead? And wishing to help Cam in his hard times, Abba moaned loudly and publicly about his secret life as a pelvic gyrator until Anne overheard. She decided to head straight to Chicago to discover what Doogie has been hiding under his lab coat. Chad and Abby motored after her. Chadsworth managed to get Milbauer too drunk to know what was going on, but they could have another problem... Caroline showed up to watch the show and couldn't help but notice that she'd ladled the lad's chowder before.

Lines of the week:
Lucas: I'm not going to say 'I told you so,' but I am the one who told you.

Brady: I'd know that face anywhere. I punched it.

April 5, 2013
I have to confess that I missed part of this week's proceedings. By the time Thursday had rolled around, I'd taken so much of a Dannifer overdose that I actually begged Soaps.com's Christine Fix to either shoot me or bury me upside-down in a garden to be eaten alive by ants. Since she is completely evil, she refused and strapped me back into my chair in the basement at SoapOperaFan with my eyes stapled open. All the same, it was still hard to stay awake when the most threatening thing on screen was Vargas. Aside from his ability to rapidly remove his shirt, he's about as threatening as a Kinder Surprise. That didn't stop Nick from being in a panic whenever he saw him. The details of their mysterious deal have yet to be revealed, but given the fact that Vargas is always taking out his tool and fondling it when Nick's around, chances are their relationship in prison was tighter than Fallon cares to recall.

The underwhelming week continued as Abby and Chadsworth became concerned about what on earth Dr. Doogie was up to. He was constantly rising above his sexual frustration with the Salem virgin, apparently by throwing himself into his work. When Chad and Abby realized that he wasn't allowed to work fifteen hours a day at the practically patientless hospital, they decided to follow him and his abs all the way to Chicago. The only place in that city open after 9:00 PM was a strip club. He couldn't strip in Salem since all of the strip joints had been torched by the local puritans. It's been a long time since they shut down Beefcakes where Peter used to dance. Abby was totally shocked to see her boyfriend's bulge being stuffed by a load of hooting horny ladies. Chad decided it was time to unveil his stand-up comedy routine. His half-sister's half-brother didn't appreciate it. Abby could hardly close her eyes. It was unclear whether she was more shocked by seeing that much male flesh or discovering that the most massive thing about Cameron was his debt.

Back in Salem, Chloe fretted up a storm to my poor Annie all about how her plan to break apart Scooby and Scruffy could come to naught. Her eyes darted around like a fly in an empty mason jar. Kate randomly walked into this conversation to help pass some time between her bouts of stretching the leather with Rafe. In a bit of irony, Jenn was forced to break the heart of the man who had replaced hers. I guess he can always pick up a new one on the slab. Since breaking up with him right under a photo of Jack wasn't enough, she did it in front of all of the preying eyes over at gossip central, aka the nurses' station. Even Maxine managed to keep her mouth shut as Scruffy barked at Scooby that sex with him made her feel empty and he wasn't half the man Jack was. If you're going to discuss sex in a hospital, you have to be really graphic about it apparently.

Across town, Lucas put in his contractually obligated appearance to lecture Sami for being true to herself. Being true to himself, he soon caved in to her latest loony scheme and went along with whatever she demanded. Then Elvis showed up so that he and Sami could rehearse some scenes from a Cary Grant screwball comedy just like they used to in the old days. They were one step away from throwing cream pies at each other. That aspect had to be left to the viewers' imagination. Meanwhile, William began the slow and steady climb to make his way to ask Stefano to get rid of his cousin. And Kristen ran around town in her leather pants, mocking Marlena, reminding John that his judgement is so bad that he had a mullet for years and trying to threaten one of her thugs to keep quiet. Unfortunately for her, the DiMeras really aren't as frightening as they used to be.

Lines of the week:
Vargas: I guess the spiritual thing doesn't run in the family.

Chloe: Anne Milbauer was right about you.

Anne: I already knew she was a bitch but this is hardcore.

Lucas: Are you guys sleeping in your coffins?

Kristen: That mullet. What were you thinking?

Get a sneak peek of what's in store for Salem next by checking out
Next week's Days of Our Lives spoilers on the blog and Days of Our Lives teasers on Soaps.com.

March 29, 2013
Love and extraordinary suffering was in the air for Holy Week in the less than holy land of the Salemites. Brady is so slow that the beating he received a few months ago has now started to register. He had a headache so Daniel urged him to take an aspirin or at least see a neurologist. Maybe it was the fact that he has sex three times a day on the most bacteria caked surfaces in Salem that was getting to him? In spite of the pain in his brain, Brady trailed around town to spread the news that he was planning to marry the most hated woman in town. John and Marlena were appalled. This scene was complicated by the fact that John kept trying on different eyebrow toupees since he burned his organic pair off by glaring into the sun too long. But try as he might, none of them quite managed to summarize the depth of his feelings. Dizzied by their leaps, Brady eventually stormed off. John tried telling his non-legal wife Marlena how angry he was at her by literally knitting his false eyebrows together before peeling them off and stapling them to the centre of his head like an exclamation point. For her part, the shrink tried giving her facial muscles a break by simply knotting a red scarf around her neck to distract people. Her ever-perceptive son Eric managed to ignore this and doled out prayer advice to her. She turned pink and started grumbling into her chowder bowl.

Assuming he was scheming with his devious sister, Kate slapped Rafe so hard that his eyebrows bounced. Soon cluing in that he was clueless, she forgave him and got down on her knees to do penance. We were always spared what Sami did to make up for her frequent freak-outs. But it once again confirmed that female on male violence means foreplay in Salem. They left the door swinging open and started to open up something else when Sonny walked in and got an eyeful. Perhaps it was that Poise lubricant commercial that kept interrupting the scene, but all of this burned too vivid an image into the Kiriakis' brain. Sonny was traumatized and, believe me, if you spent a summer as a sex tourist going to European and Asian underground clubs like he did, that takes some doing. He ran away. William could sense how disturbed he was. Sonny told him that they had to be totally honest to each other and then lied to him about what he'd seen, much to the relief of Kate and Rafe, who needed some relief after their premature interruption. She then decided to prematurely break it off with Hernandez as a way of pre-emptively preventing trouble with Stefano. If she'd tried any harder, she could have just rewound through the past few weeks of the show. Of course, this failed. They were back to baking love muffins in no time. Unfortunately, she left some of her bling in his bed and when he tried returning it to her, Daniel figured out that they were knocking boots. Not only that, but Stefano walked up on them. Meanwhile, Will was keeping secrets from Sonny. He had turned to his mother and asked her to get help from the last person who blackmailed him after he'd failed at blackmailing his son who had also blackmailed him for trying to kill him and so on... The circle of moral crapulence was as inflatable as Samanther's backside.

And not to be outdone, Chloe was traumatized after spotting Scooby and Scruffy frosting their oats on the same dingy floor where she used to do it with the doctor when Lucas wasn't around. She decided to do one of the few things that Salemites are any good at: exploiting their children for fun, profit or revenge. Before she could do that, she was sure to say some things to Nicole that were so nasty a sixteen year old girl wouldn't even say them to her best frenemy. Chloe started bleating Charlie Sheenisms until Nicole decided she'd rather spend time in church. The diva went straight to Her Royal Hortonness. After half an hour of uncommunicative conversation, Chloe said that Scooby could snack on her or he could hang ten with his kid but he couldn't do both. An hour later, this actually sunk in for Scruffy once Chloe had explained that she'd sent her son to live in Rio and, thanks to the incompetence of the legal world, Daniel no longer had any rights to his son.

Lines of the week:
Kristen: Since when can we have a rational conversation with John and Marlena?

Kristen (to Marlena): Can you please not stand quite so close to me?

Chloe: I'm a winner!

March 22, 2013
After getting married first thing in the morning, Nick and Gabba went upstairs to break in their new sheets before she had to return to slinging chowdah. Since Gabba was already the size of a house, Nick decided it was time for her to move into the mansion before she burst at the seams. She liked that idea, but was considerably less impressed when he informed her that Will and his family were now out of their child's life for good. Since the Bradys had cornered the market on sitters, she could foresee a serious problem with this. Meanwhile, mope as he might, Will was trying to accept the cruel twist of fate that had befallen him. He was trying even harder to stop his mom from making this worse. And even if she hadn't already screwed up in trying to steal evidence, she was now trying to recruit their family's oldest enemy to help them and spouting three dollar words until it sounded like Elvis had his hand up her backside. Besides all of the bad blood between the families, perhaps William had realized that, in spite of being supervillains, the DiMeras are so incompetent at getting anything done that the Salem PD even manages to outwit them. Elvis easily convinced Sami to load their off-spring up so they could all move into Casa DiMera. Samanther wasn't sure she could pull her punches where his sister was concerned. Across town, Sonny wasn't pulling his punches when Nick called him a certain 'f' word. They tussled. Nick was unfazed. Will continued to worry.

Full of worries of her own, Marlena kept trying to talk to John about talking. He couldn't talk about it. Roman frequently intruded on these meta-conversations, inflaming John's eyebrows until they begin communicating in a language all their own. Since she wouldn't stop prying into his brain, he finally let her in on the fact that he wasn't coming around to Kristen at all... it was all a ruse. Brady conveniently walked in on this and had a tantrum. With family like Jarlena, marrying into the DiMeras didn't look so bad after all. He ran to Kristen and asked her to marry him. She wouldn't turn that down, but she was still startled to realize that she had developed genuine feelings for this overgrown puppy of a man. He ran off to tell Eric about tying the knot. Eric thought he was a moron. From your lips to God's ears, Father.

The priest had more on his plate. Vargas came out of the pen and straight into Eric's rectory. He immediately turned on his rock-like charm to convince the padre and police lady Hope that he was determined to reform. When that wasn't enough, he took off his shirt. That's how Nicole found him, hot and sweaty in her office. That gave her something to think about in her long and lonely nights in the convent. Eric remained as unknowing as usual.

And speaking of the clueless... Abby's virgin eyes spotted Cameron doing something mysterious. No, he wasn't getting undressed in a random public place again; it was something that seemed even more inappropriate. Abby was shocked to see him giving his money wad to some random dude. Although given the fact that Abby can hardly tell plaid from a penis, who knows how she interpreted this little scene. Regardless, she realized it was unsavoury and did her best to shield Cameron from scandal when Anne came around. Anne probably could have been better used trying to help Chloe is her scheme to snag away Scooby. The diva's plan kept taking a nose dive, proving that no matter how cleverly planned something is, the unpredictability of idiots will always trump it. While she was dressed in what appeared to be a giant Ferrero Rocher wrapper, Her Royal Hortonness was being anything but sweet, although perhaps a little nutty. Slap Happy Horton gave Scooby a taste of her palm and then asked the bewildered doctor to talk about it. He wasn't eager for the chance. Before he could leave for San Francisco, Kristen started blabbing to him about how Jenn thought that he'd taken a trip down Chloe Lane. Rather than running off to a medical conference to knock up another of his colleagues, he tracked down Jenn at the cabin. She had flowers in her hair. Declarations of love ensued. Chloe had the misfortune to witness this and was so traumatized by watching Dannifer drilling the ditch that it may have finally driven her over the edge.

Lines of the week:
Daniel (to Jenn): Talk first, slap later?

Chloe (to Maggie): Don't you have anything better to do than play matchmaker between your niece and your son?

Anne: God deliver me from you Hortons!

Nicole: I hope you brought an umbrella because I'm about to rain all over Chloe Lane's parade.

Eric (to Brady): I was wrong about you. You're not a compete jerk. You're a moron.

March 15, 2013
It was a battle for sleep this week in Salem. Everyone wanted to just go to bed and forget what was happening. Kristen and Brady leaped from bed to bed at Casa DiMera but couldn't get any sleep. Stefano couldn't sleep because Salem is as quiet as a morgue and twice as boring. Dr. Scooby wanted to sleep and the diva tried to drug him to do so while her mother just wanted some sleeping pills so she could get some shut eye. Roman obviously could use some more sleep because he caught Lucas snooping in Hope's office and bought some of the dude's lame excuses. Lucas and Sami, working together just like old times, have demonstrated that they may be older but they are certainly not wiser. Not that the latter matters much when you have to deal with the Salem PD. After stealing a pass key and breaking into the evidence room, they searched for what felt like an eternity. Once they narrowed it down from the vast number of boxes which contained evidence implicating them in one crime or another, they located the box they sought. Lucas tried to lift her up, but ever since she started going out with EJ, she's been using the new DiMera ass inflating drugs they've been creating. Lucas could hardly keep his grip as her posterior expanded and contracted with the rhythm of an asthma attack. Realizing that this was bound to happen, Sami had doused herself in perfume to cover some of the unfortunate byproducts of her new booty treatments. Rafe sniffed his way down the hall to catch them. The stink of Sami had never left his memory. Apparently, the smell had also corroded his brain because he let them go.

And speaking of corroded brains... Brady and Kristen moved into Casa DiMera and got busy marking every nook and cranny like it was their territory. Stefano managed to sleepwalk through dealing with them without slipping on any of the wet spots they'd left on the floor. She thought her plot was going swimmingly. John swanned in and gave his son a sentimental gift. They had breakfast. Kristen was confused but still took the time to stick it to Marlena about the whole thing. It was clear to the psychiatrist if not to the psycho that John was actually back for revenge. Of course, Brady interpreted all of this as meaning that his father was still smitten with Kristen.

Giving Brady a run for his money, Will admitted that he was feeling like the stupidest man in Salem. Sonny was impressed. That takes some real work. William nearly spilled everything to Gabba but stopped himself. Then his mom got busy trying to solve his problems for him. Will wondered if he should worry. EJ was worrying for him and kept trying to reel Samanther in but she was spinning yarns in her head about how things could pan out. She thought that they should turn to Stefano for help. After all, he's back and bored. Elvis reminded her that his father blackmailed Will. He didn't bother reminding her that he did the same thing. It was shocking that she didn't really seem to care. When he suggested that they move in to Casa DiMera with her brother and his sister, she tried to be okay with that but wasn't. EJ and Brady had nearly murdered each other, she had nearly murdered EJ and yet it was the fact that Kristen had tried to murder her nearly mummified mother that was really burning her grits.

Being annoyed and confused persisted elsewhere. Scruffy continued to pull a face all week. She looked like she'd bought a pair of Misty Circle's tights off eBay and a 12-year-old's handmade velvet grad dress off Etsy. No wonder Scooby was confused. He was even more confused when she didn't pull her punches and clocked him, sending the orange right out of his cheeks. Her Royal Hortonness had just caught him drunk and unconscious in bed with Chloe petering around the room. Scruffy assumed the worst. That's usually the right idea, but this time she was wrong. She'd played straight into the diva's manicured hands. My Annie hardly even had to help. Scooby remained clueless and could only assume that Scruffy had joined the Salem Fight Club. "I am Jenn's wailing libido and I have not been satisfied."

Lines of the week:
Sami: I'm glad you answered the phone.
Will: I wasn't thinking clearly.

Sami: It's not like we're going to take real evidence that they need for real criminals.

Kristen: It will take more than cheap gimmicks to get your son back.
John: I can afford more than that.

Brady: Too much cheese?

Lucas: Uh... this isn't Hope's office?

March 8, 2013
Gabigate hit new highs and lows this week. Sonny demonstrated tight lipped wit. Will continued to prove that he's become a stereotypical air-headed blond. Lucas stood beside Sonny until they began to look disturbingly alike. As Nick was busy blackmailing Will into dropping all ties with his baby, all that Lucas Roberts "er, I mean Horton" could do was tell Fallon that he wasn't a Horton anymore. Demonstrating mental powers that beggar belief, Nick managed to completely ignore them all, as well as Sami's blustering and EJ's threats, and just putter on with his life like he was playing a round of golf. Samanther, furious that she couldn't cow her new enemy, went back to the sex farm with EJ 'Snooki' DiMera to play pig in the pokey. After introducing her to all of his pillow friends, he revealed something that he has had the top minds of DiMera Enterprises working on: an inflatable ass. He demonstrated that with the proper gyrations, it can blossom out to a variety of sizes to suit most common human needs, and perhaps a few not so common ones. (See image.) After she was finished with the test rump ride, they decide to reward themselves by plotting murder and mayhem. One can only wonder if it would have been more or less thrilling for them if they'd discussed gun play.

Outside of town, Eric went to the prison and was introduced to Vargas. They shared an entire conversation about how Vargas' name was only Vargas. You only need one name in the local clink. It's like becoming a celebrity when that was hard. Eric wanted to help integrate him back into the outside world. Vargas didn't think that was plausible until he heard that meant moving to Salem. The big difference between Salem and prison being that there are probably more innocent people in the pen. But what do differences matter? Ciara showed the priest a picture she drew and he couldn't tell the difference between a picture of himself and a picture of Jesus. The little girl wanted to marry the holy man. Maybe Nicole should have slipped her that ticket to Utah she still has lying around... Poor Nic continued to come unglued. She was so stressed that her eyelashes were falling out. Father Eric remained absolutely clueless about her feelings. She didn't know how to clue him in.

Across town, Kristen moved Brady into Casa DiMera while the scent of Maggie's muffins were still in his nostrils. She suggested that they christen every room in the house. He did the gentlemanly thing and didn't point out that he had already christened each of the rooms with Nicole while she was married to EJ. They jumped on the chessboard. Before they could sort out who would be the bishop and who would be the queen, he started to tingle all over. While Brady's brain may not be the most functional piece of his anatomy, his nipples have demonstrated that they have ESP. They shook, stiffened and pointed at the door just as his father arrived. John gave him a memento of Isabella's and raised one eyebrow so high that Brady assumed that it must have meant something profound.

But much of the week was taken over by the ongoing battle for Scooby. Nancy came to town dressed as a tiger and immediately began trying to scare away her daughter's competition. She attempted to use reverse psychology on Scruffy, but that failed because the Horton is already arse over face about everything anyway. However, Scooby was much more clueless. Scruffy went back and forth so much that the doctor ended up feeling like he was just chasing his own tale. After overdosing on Scooby snacks, he went to his room to sleep it off. The diva swanned in to pounce.

Now to change gears a little... Sometimes, during my arduous week of having to witness the atrocities that befall the poor citizens of Salem, my grim day is brightened by some mail from concerned viewers from all over the globe. Sometimes they rant and rail. Sometimes they earnestly seek advice. Since I don't give advice, I thought I could share this with the lovely ladies and gents out there so they could send some positive thoughts to this frustrated woman.

Dear Abby,

I thought that after the end of Aubifail, and once Gargamel had left for Coo-Coo-Clockland, you would buck up a bit. Perhaps the stress of seeing your father turned into Spam in an elevator was too much for you... or maybe you've caught your mom's stupidity by osmosis... You feel like you should have died in that elevator. I feel like you are trapped in a shaft going nowhere. But what can I do? I am only a couch potato hooked up to battery power a TV screen. Why were you so horrified when you caught Cam half naked? Are you so virginal that you think penises look like plaid cotton? What the hell did they teach you at boarding school, lady?

Sincerely,

Millicent Adirondack,
1642
The Island of Three Angry Nuns

Lines of the week:
Sonny: My dad says that EJ is a lawyer in the same way that Snooki is an actress.

Sami: Take me somewhere where Diane can't hear me scream.

Nick: You two want something to love, get a dog.

March 1, 2013
After a sloppy and scattered week, I started to know what it must feel like to be EJ DiMera's brain. With the help of whichever drugs they normally use to make people have flashbacks on the show, Gabba's guts managed to calm down to a murmur. Nick was livid, however, and told Lady Samanther Brady that she and her clan had to clear off. Sami quickly realized that her family operates what amounts to a mini totalitarian state and threw that back in the ex-con's face. Meanwhile, William was in a tizzy after his cousin had cornered him for nearly killing EJ. It was hard to know who was being the most naive. As a Brady-Horton dating the scion of a one percenter families, Will would never need to worry about facing justice. Plus, Sami shot EJ in the face and now she sits on it. If Will only shot him in the back, what could that possibly lead to? Leaving logic aside, insanity prevailed as Sami huffed and puffed and Nick strolled through the wasteland of Horton family history like a zombie in order to make the point that no child would be safe with them. He then presented William with the chance to give his son what he's always wanted the most - Sami out of his life.

As usual, EJ was more interested in Rafe. He cornered Rafael about the fact that he's obviously been getting cozy with Kate. Elvis could hardly contain his glee about how they've shared yet another woman together, bringing their bacterial intimacy one step closer. He wasn't the only one noticing the eau de sexy wafting around. Marlena could instantly whiff it when she walked by Kate. They had another strangely friendly conversation. Marlena wasn't getting that anywhere else. Abe talked to her like the world's dreariest mortician. And John certainly wasn't giving her much to calm her flexing forehead. As usual, he was more interested in Stefano, who was quite happy to tell his former pawn that he was going to be Brady's new discipline daddy. Things were slightly less scintillating in the Bristen booty camp. After a huge build-up, Kristen offered to tell Brady everything that happened to her while she was away from Salem. Rather than regaling him with a thousand and one tales of her misadventures in harems across the Middle East and Mediterranean, she settled on being excruciatingly vague and stretched this out for so long that it would be enough to erase anyone's memory. No wonder at the end of all of that nothingness the poor palooka was willing to do anything she said.

This week Salem was filled with catfights, hysterical pregnant women, angry opera singers, former harem mistresses, supervillains, washed up porn stars, scantily clad twinks, self-righteous virgins and psychotic junkies and yet it felt strangely sedated. I have to admit that I fell asleep a few times during the week's episodes. By some magic, this didn't make much difference to the daily recapping. I was foggy on a few things though, so I had to ask my parrot, Stinky Pete, what happened. "You're the most evil person... evil person... craw... cracker... chowder... slut... bitch... evil person... Scooby... Scruffy... claw... claw... clap... cracker... craw... confessional...." From this, I managed to clean that Scooby and Scruffy pawed one another and Chloe and Abigail finally got into a fight ultimately leading to another death for Dannifer. This also proved that no matter how dim the diva may be, she still managed to outsmart three other Salemites put together. Meanwhile, Nicole nearly confessed her carnal cravings for Father Eric to him when she climbed into his box. If the awkward sexual innuendo involved with that wasn't enough, the fact that he remained clueless about what she was feeling was enough to make me wonder if he hadn't received a serious brain injury in Africa.

Lines of the week:
Father Matt: I'll be in confessional.
Nicole: Thanks, but I haven't committed any crimes... lately.

Nick: The Bradys... How many people have been the victim of something they didn't mean to do?

Abby: This look doesn't work outside of a trailer park.

February 22, 2013
Abbigate continued to fizzle as she confirmed for Dr. Doogie that her chastity belt was still intact. That was awkward, but not as awkward as it would have been if his half-brother Chad had filled him in about how he and Abby used to resist their urges by doing one another's hair. Meanwhile, the chaos swirled around Gabigate as Sami continued dipping her oar in. Julie eavesdropped her way into the fracas and added her oar. They pulled Will around town like he was a rowboat. Meanwhile, Rafe and Kate did their best to lure Fallon the felon away from doing anything daft. Nick pouted about how he'd done his time and shouldn't be punished for it while the town is roamed by criminals like his new arch enemy, Samanther the brain spatterer. Kate went into eyebrow overload during this luncheon and Rafe took her away so they could play drop the anchor. We were later treated to hearing about how much she enjoyed getting her 'refill' of 'decaf'. He soon had to rear his head again as Sami went into overprotection overdrive. She continued pushing for the paternity test until even Gabba's unborn baby wanted to kick her. Gabba's baby kicked so hard she nearly came out. Everyone was angry at Sami. She wouldn't back off. Gabs was rushed to the hospital. After some more prodding, Sami promised to back off and then ran back in to try and make amends. Gabba was developing a full allergy to Sami. Her baby was as angry as a drunken football hooligan. Maxine starting saying prayers to try and keep the baby calm. For a second, Gabba worried that Jesus had come and taken her baby away, but the baby had actually just become too bored to pay attention. Meanwhile, EJ couldn't help but nearly salivated when he noticed that Rafe was getting close to another woman whom they both used to know in the Biblical sense.

Chloe got herself kicked out of the Kiriakis compound. She easily managed to get the mustache to fall for her ruse. The diva had demanded that he make the building greener by having the air ducts cleaned. Apparently Chloe had actually spent most of her time in Chicago as an annoying telemarketer. Victor was outraged and gave her the boot. Maggs was not so easily manipulated. Now that her hair has flattened out, she's acting far more level-headed to suit it. Chloe argued with her until the former Horton decided that this conversation was too 'stupid' to merit having. Who knows what fate would befall Salem if everyone else decided to embrace this strategy? With one stupid conversation ended, Scooby and Scruffy were left to pick up the slack. She demanded that he cut all ties with his ex. That suggestion was so extreme his color faded from orange to yellow.

Nicole returned (again) to her all-purpose plan of leaving the nunnery to go off to God knows where. She could no longer shake the sexual tension with Father Eric. She tried burning it away with holy water but that only led to a few images better left in your imaginations. Nic went around to say goodbye to her friends, or at least Rafe. Then she ran into her ex- daughter. Syd could sort of recognize Nicole. What was more surprising was that Nicole could recognize nu-Syd. Back at the rectory, Eric was bludgeoned with a crucifix by one of the local Salem junkies. He quickly recovered from that and he and Roman started making Irish jokes. It was nothing compared to the self-flagellation he's rumored to get up to. Nic had arrived in the nic of time to prevent him being killed. Getting some of his blond and brains on her hand only increased their bond, as is the norm in Salem.

And Kristen must have been drinking a lot more than just shots when she was in Chicago because she was having hallucinations by the time she got back to town. While most people get blurred vision when they are inebriated, her whole personality was becoming blurred. She couldn't sort out her feelings and was starting to feel bad for Brady. Lucky for her, Marlena stopped by to shrink her back into her old vengeful self. The DiMera went over the top and asked Brady to share a roof with her father. He was so miffed that he took his pants and went home.

Lines of the week:
Brady: (to EJ) Bite me.

Sami: Since when do women go into labor because of fighting? I have four children!

February 15, 2013
Valentine's Day came to Salem this week and brought a blizzard of sappiness with it. However, Scooby, Scruffy, Fred and Daphne's trip to America's murder capital for romance was abruptly cut short. Chloe called up the doctor to inform him that Parker was ill. He and Scruffy rushed back to town. Parker quickly recovered and went back to hurling blocks at his pops. Chloe and Scruffy sneered at one another. Even Anne joined in on that. Finally, Scooby gave Scruffy the evil eye for her deception which robbed him of the chance to see his son puke. She went home and kicked herself. Scruffy was dying, weighted down with so much excess Scooby snack that she looked like she was going to have kittens at any moment. She tried to make amends to the doctor, but it was supremely awkward since Chloe was settling into his pad like water under oil. Meanwhile, for reasons I fail to fully understand, Kristen thought that getting rip-roaring drunk would be the perfect way to convince her recovering addict boytoy that they should be together until they are no more than lusty dust. It wasn't.

read the rest of this week's musings on the blog >>>

February 8, 2013
It was a climactic week in Salem as Elvis finally managed to overcome his near crippling obsession with scarves and settle on just letting Samanther wrap herself around his neck. He turned out all of the lights so that he could at least retain the sensation that he was intercoursing with his pillow heap. They bumped uglies in an ecstasy so subdued it made the post-coitus pizza bagels he served her seem exotic. By the time morning came and came again, the news had spread. Johnny and Caroline clued Rafe in. Ma Brady wasn't totally thrilled that she'd been used as a babysitter so Sami could play the seed game with a DiMera. Rafe did his best to act like he didn't care, but he was clearly horrified. He'd been in love with a woman who didn't really exist. Apparently God had changed the writing team without telling him. Rafe was reluctant to hear about Samanther spreading her crumpet with EJam. She hunted him down to smear it on him anyway. Luckily, he had visited a few internet message boards and had a few nasty things to say about her stored up. She refused to believe any of it and flailed off to flame Brady about the fact that he was still hooking up with a DiMera. He thought that was pretty rich and they tried to figure out who was the biggest psychotic twit in all of this. That came to a bit of a draw.

Meanwhile, Nicole's plan to break up Brady and Kristen crumbled faster than crackers into a bowl of chowdah. She was hauled down to the station by the bored and Bopeless Hope. Eric went along to give her spiritual advice. Kristen and Brady didn't want to press charges. Victor felt differently. He enjoyed making her squirm so much that he brought candy along for the show. In the end, he admitted he was just wasting police time because there was nothing better to do. Hope easily persuaded him to drop it, but she wasn't impressed that she actually had to do some work for once. She had an even harder time getting him to drop his enquiry into what harbor Babs was currently dropping his anchor in.

Detective Hope probably should have been paying more attention to the other scandal that was engulfing her family. As Gabigate continued to putter along with the urgency felt by the bladder of an incontinent camel, Samantha urged her son to get a paternity test done as soon as possible. She reminded him that she knows all about paternity tests and what significant plot devices they can be. Since he is in some ways still the victim of her past schemes, he was reluctant to listen to her. But since Will got his copy of the sonogram he's been tripping around Salem with it like it's coated in LSD and he's licking it with his eyeballs. He finally agreed to pressure Nick and Gabbah to go along with test. Nick promptly paid a visit to the Salem surveillance shop and planted a bug on William before sending a blackmail text to Lucas. The father and son promptly blundered straight into unwittingly admitting everything on tape.

The week was bookended by Jenn's (aka Scruffy) twin attempts to get her flower watered by Scooby (aka Daniel). Down to his skivvies, Scooby climbed on top of Scruffy. He was starting to notice that the scar from that gaping hole he'd torn in between her cleavage was gone. Before she could tell him about her magical holes, Chloe called to interrupt. She played him her special effects tape of crying babies. He wasn't a pediatrician so Scooby was really perplexed when the sound started to skip. He ran back to the mansion. It quickly dawned on him that there was nothing wrong with the wee one. Before he could lay into the diva for ruining his lay away, Parker blurted out 'Daddy'. Scooby assumed he was talking to him, rather than the wooden block in his hand. In the hands of a more talented writer, this incident could have opened the door to the strangest 'who is your daddy' plot in Daytime history. Either that or the kid has already realized that his father is a blockhead. Unperturbed, Scooby and Scruffy planned another lascivious getaway. This time, Her Royal Hortonness fed the town diva faulty info to trip her up. Armed with the help of Anne and some kind of superlaxative, they plotted to severely crimp Scruffy's night out, or at least make it far messier than expected. When they failed to hunt them down, the diva suddenly noticed that Parker was severely ill. Luckily she'd arrived just in time since Maggie hadn't even noticed.

And Abba continued getting closer to the town's only resident who seems to be aging in reverse - Dr Cameron "Doogie" Davis. He showed up with a heap of flowers almost as big as he was and, in a cracking voice, asked her out for grapefruit. Their new romance consisted of a conversation about gluten. Doogie promised to take her to the movies next. After that, he plans to discuss the importance of fibre with her. This will logically lead to him explaining the importance of a clean colon to the town virgin. Half-brother Chad may have tipped him off that Abba isn't into clam shucking. I'll leave you to surmise what this means, but it should lead you to the only realistic explanation to justify this entire plot.

Lines of the week:
Kristen: Karma is a bitch and her name is Kristen.

Kristen: You don't want to fall in love with a priest. It makes married men look like a walk in the park.

February 1, 2013
It was a momentous week in Salem. Jenn finally answered my burning question: What makes Daniel so appealing? Apparently it's that he's a mamma's boy who does a great Scooby-Doo impression. This finally explains why his pet name for Her Royal Hortoness is 'Shaggy'. Sensing that the Shagster was craving to love, Hope encouraged her to outwit Chloe the devious diva with romance. Shaggy decided to take him out for hot chocolate and marshmallows. Hope was sure that nothing impresses a man more than the ability to cover your face in fluffy white goo. Unfortunately, when Shaggy got to Scooby's, no one was there but Chloe in the doctor's shirt and Parker looking as bored as the audience. Chloe was sure that this little mind game of hers would have the Horton cringing. Shaggy managed to meet up with the surgeon at the pub. She was wearing lace. He was confused. She explained that she had a Scooby snack she needed him to munch on. She wanted to feed him right away, but, for mysterious reasons, decided that this was something they could only do out of town. I guess what she had in mind is one of the few things that are actually illegal in Salem. Dr. Doo was down with that. They made their way to the infamous Salem chalet, usually host to swinger conventions and other 'medical' conferences. She dropped her trenchcoat. "Ro Ro, Ro Ro Ro Roooooo," he said romantically. She scratched him behind the ears, but before she could play with his tail, Chloe called and killed the buzz.

Almost as anti-anticlimactically, Billie decided her days in Salem were over. She explained this to her mother by reminding her of when she was a heroin addict. That logically led to her being attracted to Babs and things continued to go downhill from there. She'd finally pulled herself out of that leathery pit to be whatever she is now, some kind of secret agent presumably. But since the ISA hasn't actually given her any work to do and CW doesn't seem to do anything at all, she found some other job. Both ladies showed some pearly tears and Billie left in a cloud of psychedelic business attire. Meanwhile, Babs' other former wife, Hopeless, went out of her way to listen to everyone's marital problems. She was particularly keen to hear all about Marlena apparently parting of ways with the man who at least one of them in actually married to. Rafe managed to be the only person to notice that Babs has been gone for a long time. Everyone else thought that he'd just gone upstairs to shave his facial hair into a heart, but it turned out that he actually sailed away to parts unknown with whichever of his children he managed to bump into. At least that was Hope's story and she was sticking to it, deliberately running away whenever she was questioned.

Continuing down the road to saintliness, Nicole finished re-organizing the church bureaucracy before inserting herself into the middle of Brady's love life. She decided to scheme her way into breaking up Black and DiMera. That flopped as gracefully as a bowl of chowder spills onto a cocker spaniel's head. Brady was sick of everyone sticking their heads into his love life. Kristen continued talking to everyone like she was a bored kindergarten teacher and they were stupid babies. Meanwhile, the battle over Gabba's baby bundle continued to bring the joy. At least Will was happy. That was doomed to fail. Nick spent five minutes on the internet and was completely caught up on everything Lucas has done in the past five years. That gave him a cunning plan for custody. All the while, Sonny continued to mope about breaking up with the Horton. Brian tried to distract him. He may not have been able to hook him up with some donuts, but he offered him something almost as exciting. Sonny managed to resist, but not before William spotted them together.

Gabba's week was hardest hit this week when Sami breezed into the pub to blow her stack at her. Gabba could barely breathe her air. Rafe made her back off. She went home and called Elvis, who was busy doling out ironic advice to his little brother about coming in second. EJ slowly sauntered over Samanther's. As one EJami told me, "He's a gentleman. He always comes second." Sami told him that she'd seen the real Rafe. She'd been understandably confused about who that was since Elvis had sent a fake one to, as she used to put it, 'rape' her a few years ago. But now that she'd seen that Hernandez put his family before his pelvis, she knew that Elvis was the right fit for her. Rafe didn't seem to care. EJ was so disappointed that his rival wasn't jealous that he went to Sami's and nearly burst into tears. She blubbered to him until he finally made her stop by kissing her. The truth is that EJ really loves Rafe, which is something anyone can see simply by watching the long intense glances they cast in each other's eyes. He loves him so much, he had his own copy made. Unfortunately, much as with his blatant desires for young William, EJ continued to forcefully to repress his homoerotic longings, displacing them onto a woman who used to be a man, one who doesn't seem to mind what Nicole used to refer to as EJ's 'perverse and degrading tastes'. He told Sami that was the only woman he's even looked at in the past six years (somewhere Nicole and Taylor shook their heads). When she made her move on him, he got as jumpy as... well, Abby. He was overwhelmed. This was just like what he'd been rehearsing with his fluffy silk pillows. Terrified, he offered to leave, but she insisted that he stay and decorate her hallway.

Lines of the week:
Kristen: You just called me a 'phony bitch'. Now I'm going to have to rethink my entire existence.

Kristen (to Nicole): I am very tolerant of you. You know why? Because I know you care about Brady. But you are so completely insignificant to me. You are not worth the energy to react.

Maggie: When he knows you better, we can have a 'who is your daddy' party for him.
Daniel: I can't wait to see that cake.

January 25, 2013
Gabigate continued as the news that Salem's most famous gay man impregnated someone began to spread. Sonny could hardly believe it. What made it worse was the fact that his mother had already warned him that some kind of daysaster was headed his way if he got involved with a scion of Sami. Keeping his inner turmoil underwraps was so exhausting for him that he seemed to be sleepwalking through the entire event. Apparently being surrounded by that much coffee on a constant basis finally makes you immune to its effects. His parents showed up to try and snap him out of it. No dice. Will showed up and proclaimed that he wanted him to be part of the baby's life with him. His child could have three daddies and a mummy. Will really does take after his mother. Meanwhile, Nick turned to the father of the boyfriend of the baby-daddy for legal counsel. EJ had already hired the town's 'leading custody lawyer' to rep Will. I guess Nick didn't have a lot of options left. Justin refused to help take away another man's baby. Nick got busy using his often mentioned intellect. He decided to let William sit in on the sonogram and moon over the baby to be. Gabi and Abby took a break from discussing babies to discuss the fact that the Abster was still a virgin. Gabi couldn't help but notice the irony. Look sister, having sex in Salem is a bad idea. Even if you're gay, someone winds up pregnant.

Even though sex and daysaters are never far apart, plenty of Salemites were still ready to drop their britches around their ankles. EJ did his best Rafe impersonation as he defended Samanther to Rafael. Sami was impressed. It was like being with RoboRafe only with less personality and no sense of humor. She took EJ home. He could hardly resist sniffing her leather pants. They reminded him of all of those posters he had of Tom Jones in his dorm room at the all boys school. While Sami may not have kept her mustache from her time as a man, she's obviously kept another part of her maleness. She and Elvis dry humped on the couch until it was about to pop out. He finally pulled away before they could loosen their belts. He insisted that he had to do the right thing and wait. Lucas miraculously showed up. EJ went home, doffed his clothes and cuddled with his pillows and sucked on some bonbons before calling her to giggle about using his head. He can only use the one on his shoulders on special occasions since he only has half of it left thanks to her. But that's okay. He may have limited brain matter but he has magical baby batter. Lucas tore into her, reciting all of the anti-Sami mail sent in by viewers.

While Lucas was lecturing his ex, one of his other exes was also getting into mischief. Chloe began to ratchet up her plan to wrest Dr. Orange away from 'the dull one'. Her Royal Hortonness was actually clever enough to see this coming a mile away. Apparently the diva and Anne had been broadcasting a little too loudly. But how do the diva and the Jenn hater know each other? Chloe used to volunteer at the hospital, singing high pitches in the neurology wing as they did experiments on hearing loss. That's where Anne first laid her eyes on her. She'd just managed to emerge unscathed in the recent hospital scandal around stolen organs and had been keeping her head down. The two of them quickly bonded out of a shared passion for big hair and Barbara Streisand. More details to follow... Meanwhile, Kristen actually got so excited that she jumped up and down. She'd just watched John tell Marlena he was leaving the stench of Salem behind for awhile to get his brain working again. If she'd really wanted him to stay, she could have just called the geek squad over to tinker with the CD drive in his head. And Nicole was advised by a priest to do something selfless, so she decided to wade into the Brady and Kristen debacle. Does this mean that every time someone starts meddling in other people's business, it's really the church's fault?

Lines of the week:
Nicole: (to Sami) How's it goin' there, Granny?

Rafe: I saw the real side of Sami. Guess what? It's a nightmare.

Lucas: So what is it? Rafe on Thursday and EJ on Friday?

January 18, 2013
It was wedding day in Salem this week. As Victor observed, it didn't go off that badly. After all, no one was shot and there was only a minor incident of pummelling. Weddings are usually so prone to disaster and death that if the Salem PD wasn't so heavily involved in them, they should have been lobbying to make them illegal. Judging by some of Chadsworth's new mannerisms, he's been spending most of his time holed up watching Christian Slater in "Heathers." He managed to pull himself away long enough to ruin the wedding just as it was turning into a platter of cheese. It wasn't easy for him to do it. After all, it would cost him his sexually frustrating future with Abstinence Abby, but somehow ruining Gabi's life seemed even more tempting. What he wasn't prepared for was Rafe polishing his knuckles on his noggin. Hope pulled them apart and made each of them stand in a corner. She threatened to have Chad arrested for assaulting a police officer. I guess Rafe bruised his knuckles. Doug and Julie arrived in time to sink into the gossip before they slipped out of their cruise wear. Meanwhile, Lucas' big mouth was getting in the way. He had a very private conversation with his son in a very public place and Nick just happened to eavesdrop on it. He'd apparently taken a cue from how Chad had managed to get ahead.

Displaying her usual extraordinary skills, Sami managed to make this all about her. She hurled her bile at Gabi until Rafe waded through the muck to rescue his nutty little sister from his even fruitier ex-wife. Showing his usual range of emotions, he raised his eyebrows and waved his arms like an air traffic controller until the whole thing blew over. Across town, Chad informed his big brother about the palaver. EJ's eyebrows nearly popped off his head. He quickly guessed that his dumb ass brother had managed to put a wrench into the Safe reunion and decided it was time to unleash the screws. He showed up at her place with wine and a freshly mowed chin. They got cozy on the same spot where, only a few hours before, she'd nearly allowed Rafe to release his dolphin. After these distractions, she finally managed to track down her son and lecture him. Both of them did their best to try and make the conversation not revolve around her, but the results were middling at best. If getting it from his mom wasn't bad enough, it looked like he wouldn't be getting anything from Sonny anymore. Apparently, he hasn't been looking for that kind of daddy.

And speaking of daddy's... Daniel settled into being one. Jenn was around to feel awkward about the whole thing. Parker was so excited by all of this that he literally crapped himself. Daniel and Jenn called his mom in to change the diaper and then tried to get back to life as usual, only now with ice cream breaks. Nicole finally broke it to Chloe that she'd schtupped Daniel. After some name calling, they both had to accept that they were miserable washed-up sex trade workers in love with a slutty doctor who didn't want either of them. Instead, he was smitten with "Her Royal Hortoness" Queen of the Prisses. Chloe decided to go into offensive action after a vengeful Kate tipped Jenn off about Chloe's hooking history. Displaying more strategic competency than we've ever seen from her, Chloe recruited Anne to her cause. After confessing her past to the doctor, she made it look like Jenn was plotting to have the child taken away.

Across town, Kristen's plot continued to plod along. Angry John had moved out of the townhouse, leaving Marlena to pop her own tarts for breakfast. The shrink went to her office to moan to Hope about Kristen. Since she hadn't already perverted the law enough this week, Hope had a cunning plan. She convinced the talking doctor to wear the newest model in the Hope Faith and Miracles line of surveillance brooches. The shrink slunk over to Kristen's attempted to outwit her by using the oldest trick in the book. This was so obvious that Marlena could have been doing the whole thing in pantomime. Kristen managed to make the doctor look like the bad guy. The doctor continued displaying her ongoing talent for bad judgement and left the incriminating recording lying around for John to find it. He listened to it and made the biggest stink face since the sewers blew up. John went from feeling like a pawn in Kristen's scheme to feeling like everyone he cared about had been replaced with doppelgangers. Marlena knew just how he felt. He declared the air in Salem toxic and decided to leave so he could rejuvenate his brain. Meanwhile, Brady's brain continued to suffer the after affects of the last time it was damaged. Kristen almost started feeling bad for him.

Lines of the week:
Chloe: He likes it vanilla, just like his daddy.

Nicole: And I thought he was scraping the bottom of the barrel when he was with me...

John: I feel like everyone I care about has had their mind replaced with someone else's.
Marlena: I know exactly how that feels.

January 11, 2013
Philly K returned to Salem this week with news so heavy and sad that he had to wear his invisibility cloak to spare the audience the sight of his tears. At least that was the official line. Rumor has it that the grief was so great that it had dislodged his second face. After rowing to Salem with his peg leg, the faceless non-father dropped off Parker and descended to the Kiriakis bunker to become the town's version of Phantom of the Opera. Victor managed to take the news that Parker was really Daniel's son with an unusual level of calm. Maggie is apparently still drugging his breakfast. Either that or she makes him get up at two in the morning to help her do her hair for the day. He only managed to use the word 'slut' once to mark the return of Chloe. Kate was a little more indulgent. After skipping through her list of expletives, she finally settled on 'whore' and remembered that the diva actually used to be one. That gave her a fiendish plan.

Chloe immediately sunk back into the mire better known as Salem. It had changed so much in the year she'd been gone. Now everyone drank coffee instead of booze. It's like prohibition had finally hit, or was that just a bad dream of Nicole's that they re-ran three times? The diva had obviously been keeping on Daniel's wave length. After all, it looked like they go to the same tanning salon. She did her best not to cringe at the thought of him with Jenn. Not everyone has that talent. Chloe quickly found a friend in Anne, the current president of the Anti-Jenn club at the hospital. Meanwhile, Lucas was actually happy to hear that his ex was back. He assumed that she would ruin things for Jenn and Daniel. Apparently he still hasn't clued in to how deeply the stupidity runs.

And speaking of errors in judgement... After dating for a little over a month, Sonny asked Will to move in with him. He even cleared out half of his closet for him. I'm sure there was supposed to be a joke in there somewhere. This wasn't a good sign. Asking someone to move in that fast is the worst form of premature ejaculation possible. Since Will is emotionally retarded, he couldn't figure that out. And since Sonny had to wait more than a year to kiss the guy, his sense of timing has been lost. The sense of doom crept in. Surely William, from your own experience, you know the only way to sustain any kind of relationship in Salem is to actually end up in a three-way?

With all of the wedding mania in the air, Sami and Rafe's feelings continued to rekindle. They recalled being romantically tethered at their wedding in the pet cemetery and her promise that they would get their own kennel of dogs who they could teach them to play poker. He promised some doggy style romance after the wedding ceremony. She got exited. EJ was excited too. He came sniffing around and told her that he'd finally shaken his scarf obsession and fallen in love with her again. She didn't know what to say and nearly began crying. Somehow that didn't matter and she blubbered anyway without really saying anything. She and Rafe made out all over town. She mooned to Hope about how she and the detective were the new Bope. Finally, the wedding got underway. Chadworth was invited along by Abigail since he had made a public show of putting his Gabi hate behind him. Abby swallowed this and he got his invitation to the wedding. Considering how paranoid Nick and Gabi were about everything else, it was a bit surprising they let that go. But between having no hen night, a completely sober bachelor party that felt like an AA meeting and Sami's recycled wedding mix piped through the PA system, they obviously weren't thinking. Before they could be pronounced man and wife, Chadsworth stood up to do the most unpopular thing you can in Salem: denounce the hypocrisy of the Hortons.

Lines of the week:
Lucas: (to Jenn) I can't believe you're so stupid.

Kate: You may be the world's worst mother ever!
Chloe: Oh, don't give up that crown so easily.

Sami: Brady's always had a thing about slutty bitches so he was easy prey.

Daniel: He's a monkey. He takes after his father.

January 4, 2013
With Christmas out of the way, Salemites quickly leapt into New Year's celebrations. At least the adults did. The kids weren't allowed. All the same, Syd was happy. She loved her new penguin so much that she called it Rafe, which led to some confusion. Sami didn't mind too much though. I may have just been drunk and misunderstood this, but going by Samanther's garbled New Year's Eve blather, it sounded like the kid bathes with her little Rafe in the washing machine. The revelation that Sami shoves her children into appliances with the rest of her stuff finally explains how Johnny and Sydney's hair always stays so curly.

The penguin obsession continued as EJ dressed up in a giant laughing penguin suit to impress the children and their mother. That got Samanther purring. They went down to the town square for the big shindig. Since Eric would rather spend his time helping the homeless than needy Nicole, she went to the big event with Rafe the dateless wonder. Sensing that he would rather he ringing in the new year with Sami, she left them alone and distracted EJ at Caffeinated. Nicole deliberately spilled his over-priced champale on his crotch. She then climbed on top of Elvis and planted her tongue so far in his mouth that she could feel the draft from his bullet hole. He eventually got her off his face and ran back to the square where Rafe and Sami had decided to toast to the new year with their tonsils. As soon as they'd swapped spit, Elvis swanned over and nearly threw her on the ground so he could publicly suck Rafe's saliva out of her mouth. Sami didn't seem to notice that he tasted like his ex-ex-ex former pornstar wife. Elvis wasn't finished. He hopped around town with Sami in his black and white get-up, romancing her with florescent champagne and smacking his lips like some anglicized version of Pepe Le Pew. Although this was hard to resist, she continued fantasizing about Rafe until Lucas called to say that Allie had caught a cold from sleeping in the fridge. Rafe's smooth talking continued the next day as he confused Sami with a hodgepodge of casual insults, bromides and kisses.

While Elvis' plans for romance were clearly in danger of being bamboozled, his brother was faring a little better. He spent the holiday playing Monopoly with Abigail. Maybe it was the scarf that Chadsworth was wearing, or the way his little car had bumped into her thimble, but she couldn't resist kissing him. Jenn had managed to pry herself away from her virginal daughter and the douchebag to bask in the orange glow of Doctor Dan. "Every day with you is like a trip to the apple orchard in autumn," she cooed. They decided that they had been going in slow motion for too long and needed to speed things up. After she teased him with some surgical sexual euphemisms, the doc ran back to his apartment to start a fire beside his bear skin rug. Before he could order the Hawaiian pizza for the classy evening he planned, Chloe delivered herself to his door.

The big drama of the week happened elsewhere. Marlena deliberately sent John off to Brady's office, sure that his son would be having it off with Kristen. Sure enough, he walked in on Brady 'the gullible nitwit' demonstrating his 'mind-bending virility' by marching his cream puff into Kristen's enchanted forest. John was outraged, and not just because they'd soiled a perfectly decent desk. In fact, it was one of the few pieces of office furniture left in town that hadn't been varnished with human remainders (Brady and Madison, John and Marlena, Philly and Chloe and EJ and Kate to name a few of the former culprits). He did his best not to call his son a desperate idiot. It was hard. He tried 'mad with grief' instead. Brady was hard headed about it. Apparently every time he's had his head whacked, it's managed to grow a thicker layer of bone. They soon began clobbering each other in the hopes that they might knock some sense in. They wound up in the hospital and, even without Maggie's help, the gossip spread fast. A parade of cringes went by. Everyone weighed in but Brady was still falling for Kristen like a sinking ship. Meanwhile, John realized that his (not real) wife had been keeping the whole affair involving his ex-(not real)wife a secret and started to feel like he was a beached whale.

Lines of the week:
John: Do me a favor, Son. I mean, right after you zip up your fly.

Brady: Is this one of those commandments that I never heard of? Thou shalt not go to bed with thy father's ex-whatever.

Nicole: EJ is as attractive to me as a school bus fire.

Kristen: (to Marlena) Your first language really is melodrama, isn't it?

Sonny: Does that one come with an instruction manual?
Will: Would you want to read it if she did?

More Musings:
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2012
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2011
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2010
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2009
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2008

Fun Fact: Matt Purvis wrote these just for you!

Feel free to leave comments about today's show update on our message boards. If you're not yet a member,
it's free to join and will allow you to post your comments and join in on the chatter with others in our community!

Soap Opera Fan is also on Twitter @soapoperafan and Facebook. We post links to the latest breaking soap news, casting changes, spoilers, photo teasers, and more. Come tweet and Facebook with us about other soap operas, "Dirty Soap," "Glee," "Grey's Anatomy," "Vampire Diaries," and "Venice The Series."

** Please be aware that reproducing copyrighted material from the SoapOperaFan.com website may result in fines. We have a link-only policy. *