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Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives 2010

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December 31, 2010
Ciara nearly ruined Christmas for the Horton clan by telling them that she didn't believe in Santa anymore because he would have brought her parents back. Unlike most children, who just pretend to believe in the jolly fat man to humor the adults around her, Ciara's faith was shattered. This caused a panic in the family and they whipped out all of the ornaments and eggnog they could to try and restore her faith in things that don't exist. Of course, she wasn't the only one having a crisis of faith.

As usual, the holidays were a miserable time for Samantha Jean "Stan" Brady Horton DiMera Hernandez. Sami tried to let Rafe and her children cheer her up but couldn't be cheered without Johnny and Syd around. She skulked over to Casa DiMera and spied on their Christmas celebrations from the garden. Rafe realized this but said nothing. She then took Allie to the hospital for a check-up. While there, she ran into Nicole and decided to give her a black eye for Christmas. After Sami used the sucker punch that she'd learned from Lucas, Nicole had to think fast and tried to desperately fight her attacker off with all of the stuffed animals she could find in the donation box. But there aren't enough furries in Toys R' Us to stop a Sami rampage so the men in white shirts had to be called in to drag her away. Rafe refused to do anything. EJ pressured Nicole into pressing charges but Rafe wouldn't let her. Indeed, even the prospect of doing such a thing made the new chief threaten to have Nicole arrested. She slouched off. Sami promised to behave and Rafe reminded her that the only reason she's allowed in human society anymore is because she's related to half the police force and sleeping with the other half (which means either that Rafe's math skills are even worse than his detective skills or that Sami hasn't just been sitting on her badonkadonk all day, she's really been laying on her back).

Brawling wasn't reserved for the hospital though. The week's biggest fight happened at the church where the child's family gathered and Philip seemed more excited about renouncing Satan than he's ever been. Kayla swanned back into town and hurled a tantrum at her mama when Caroline admitted that she never revealed the baby's paternity. They argued about it all the way to church and stumbled right into the baptism. Caroline was forced to confess everything, which seriously baffled everyone. Daniel went into hysterics and then began pummeling Philip. Mel rushed over to stop him before he could literally crucify her husband. Father Matt was curiously and conveniently absent from the brawl, but it was broken up when Caroline suddenly had 'the good kind of stroke' as the nurse at the hospital called it. Blame was passed around as fast as Chloe when she's feeling insecure and horny. Victor blamed everyone but his son. After all, Philip is too 'idiotic, moronic and imbecilic' to actually make his own choices and only the adults in the situation are to blame. The moron whimpered around town, trying to eek back into Mel's good graces but she couldn't forgive him for what he did to her dear old dad (even if Dr. Dan has slept with two married women that we know of). Chloe cried as much as she could to impress the doctor but he refused to forgive her and said some rather nasty things before storming off. Once he was gone, Philip sauntered in, looking strangely pleased with himself and announced that he wanted to spend some time with his new son. That could be problematic though since Mel was already encouraging her dad to go for full custody of the little 'bastard' as he liked to call him.

Back at Casa DiMera, an even more disturbing family oriented issue erupted when Elvis suddenly popped the question to Nicole. He didn't want a love marriage, just an 'amiable concordance' as Jane Austen might say, but more likely a malicious one intended to control Nicole and annoy the bejeezus out of Samanther. Nicole told Brady about it and he thought is was the suckiest idea he's ever heard drunk or sober. And he knows sucky ideas. After all, he and Kate have just hatched a plan to kidnap Viv and strand her on Victor's answer to "Gilligan's Island." Anyway, Nicole told Brady they could still have casual sex, but her carnal plans hit a snag when Viv dropped off the photos of Nicole and Brady re-enacting scenes from "Mysti Circle's Yule Log Blowout" on his floor. Much to her surprise, EJ swallowed his rage and gave her another chance to become his wife anyway.

Happy ho-ho-holidays.

Lines of the week:
Rafe: The only reason you haven't been arrested is that you're related to half the police force and you're sleeping with the other half.

Kayla: You don't seem happy to see me?

Philip: The godparents are standing by to renounce Satan whenever Father Matt gets here.

Rafe: EJ is being a tool.

Caroline: The next time EJ comes in I'm lacing his chowder with rat poison.

Victor: When Vivian is around there is no need for additional fruitcake.

Victor: She played God with my family and everyone knows that's my job.


December 24, 2010

Dear Santa,

I hate to be a snitch, but no one was all that nice in Salem this year. They were naughty, they were nutty, sometimes they were even naked, but mostly they were nonsensical. I won't trouble you with a list of their crimes and misdemeanors. I'm sure even your heart skipped a beat when Caroline suddenly turned into a maniacal seventeen year old in a seventy year old's body. Without Alice around, I don't think anyone even bothered to bake you cookies. Doug and Julie were put in charge of Ciara, who kept hoping that you would bust her mom out of jail and send them home together. Even Doug, 'Mr. Christmas', didn't see that happening. To make things worse, Julie's sweater didn't glow with the same amount of sparkled as usual.

Although they were wearing Santa hats at the prison, Warden Jane Smith and her lover, Lee, started to panic that the truth about all the dead Janes they'd been chopping up and selling to the local hospital would be discovered. Apparently she was watching "The Grifters" and suggested that Lee give Ho-Ho-Hope a special Christmas present by mushing up her insides with a stocking full of the holiday spirit and some rancid oranges. After Hope had been tenderized, she was left alone. Meanwhile, Babs reminded Carly that he made a vow to protect Hope (never mind the other vows he made to her) and ditched the Salem PD to rush off and bust his wife out of jail. He's done this sort of thing before so it was easy as pie. After he and Hope knocked Lee out. He took her out to Old Man Brady's fishing cabin where he could nurse her insides back to health by shoveling the botulized can of soup he dug out of the dirt floor into her. Once Jane knew they were gone, she decided to call in some cops who could uphold the law - the state troopers. This really got in Roman's craw but the warden was taking no prisoners as she railed at him and accused him of being complicit with Babs. Roman, who was unofficially put in charge of the Salem PD since Babs unceremoniously abandoned it, decided to put Rafe in charge since he knew that no one else in law enforcement would have the brains to realize he was now part of the Brady clan. Rafe at once set about plodding around and furrowing his brow as he questioned Carly.

Over at the Kiriakis mansion, things were no more merry. Victor, Kate, Philip, Brady and Nicole were all called together so that Vivian could inform them that she bought the company out from under them when they weren't paying attention. Apparently the people who work for them are as bad at being informed as the local cops are. This also meant that Viv got the mansion since Victor, the Scrooge, put it in the company name as a tax dodge. Philip and Mel tried not think about all of this and had sex instead. It was kind of a depressing Christmas for him otherwise, that is until he ran into Steph and she informed him that she and Nate were moving to Baltimore. It was like the spirit of Christmas suddenly entered his heart and Philly jovially ran through the streets to tell Chloe the glorious news. She was in a good mood already because all of the wrapping paper she'd been wrapping seemed to be having a hypnotic effect on her. She didn't burst into song though. Viv was the only one to bust out the carols but no one was willing to join in. In all of this, Maggie deserves some credit for ignoring her throbbing biological urges for Victor. A word of warning though. I don't think you'll really appreciate the sticky, unwrapped 'gifts' that Brady and Nicole left under the xxx-mas tree for you.

Over at the hospital, everyone was miserable about what had happened to poor little Johnny. EJ let Sami stay until he woke up but then got back into character and banished her from his son's life once again. She went home with her head drooping, but she drowned out the sound of the Charlie Brown theme by sobbing so loudly into Rafe's chest that she knocked the mousse out of his hair. But Santa, you have to understand that Grinchy EJ missed out on most of his Christmases growing up on account of contracting SORAS (he's still suffering the after effects), so maybe Elvis can be forgiven for not exactly understanding the meaning of x-mas. This year, the x marked the spot of Johnny's eye which then had to removed and replaced with a pirate patch. EJ had been promising his son pirate adventures all year, but this is not what either of them had in mind. Poor Johnny not only ended up losing an eye, it looks like he could be gaining another mother. Or at least his old mother, since EJ has started eying Nicole to take back the position and keep Sami out.

I would tell you to give them all lumps of coal, but I hear it's bad for the environment and they would probably just throw the lumps at each other anyway.

Happy holidays,

Your faithful elf.

Lines of the week:

EJ: The crisis is over and it's back to normal. Normal means Johnny's life doesn't have you in it.

Melanie: Wanna go make out?

Stefano: Would you have me going around h-ho-hohoing about having you back in my family's life.

Stefano: You mean she did it by witchcraft?

EJ: Do me a favor... go away.

Vivian: Wait till the DiMeras hear about this. What? Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Bird in your brain?



December 17, 2010

With Christmas fast approaching, even in Salem, the children became the primary focus of things. They're usually present in complaints and whining or pretexts to give Caroline or Maggie something to do while the mothers of the town complain about their children and their children's fathers to whatever man they happen to be sleeping with or whichever random person they encounter, this time. But the children actually had something to do this time. Theo read, but didn't understand or remember anything he read. This deeply upset Lexi, but Abe was more optimistic. After all, that's exactly the kind of skill you need if you want to be a star on Days Of Our Lives. Just to prove the point, he and Lexi rehashed a scene they've done many times before. He caught Doc Ben hugging on her when she was upset and went into his jealous rage. She told him it was nothing. After a few minutes they seemed to remember speaking all of this dialogue before and laughed it off. Then she remembered that Sami, the mistress of childlike repetition, triggered his defensiveness and went off to hunt her down.

Lexi ended up running into Rafe instead. Switching strategies, Rafe decided to drop his usual swagger and in your face tactics by wearing a soothing cardigan sweater, the kind that Bing Crosby might have worn in the Christmas specials of Rafe's brutal childhood. Unfortunately, Rafe's dreams of singing White Christmas with Elvis, Salem's answer to David Bowie, were sunk since he got confused and wore a rather stodgy v-neck instead, that made his head look even thicker than it really is. Although that's exactly the kind of look that you need for the Salem PD, where he was supposed to be going to get a job, he got distracted and spent the hours, days, weeks or whatever it was, pacing around. That's when Lexi interrupted him to rant about Sami. He was too busy worrying about Johnny since young William and the Gabster showed him photos of the kid with a white blotch on his eye. Rafe rushed Lexi to see her brother and convince him to take the kid to see a specialist. Although Rafe had tried this earlier and failed, she managed to get through to her baby bro, who was having another miserable bourbon filled week trying to screw all the women he used to share a bed with in the unsexiest ways possible. Although he spent the early part of the week forcing Sami to convince Johnny that she didn't want him in her life anymore because she already had more kids than she knew what to do with, by week's end, he was softening up and ready to let her have a tea party with the afro haired boy in the hospital. That was quashed before the crumpets could be served because Elvis caught her discussing her secret code with her son and realized she'd been playing him for a chump.

Ciara was informed that she would be spending Christmas with Doug and Julie but her parents would be nowhere to be found. This upset her so Babs gave her some used jewelry to keep her cool and she gave him the piece of plastic she keeps in her hair. He hugged the munchkin goodbye. Julie had no clue what was going on and neither did anyone in the Salem PD. Unceremoniously, Babs tipped off the only cop who showed up to work that day that he'd be leaving town without explanation and would likely get in touch when he has a chance. He also told Jenn that he thinks something is seriously wrong with Hope's situation in the prison. Jenn got a beady look in her eyes as she planned her next move and Hope worried in her lonely cell that the warden was trying to poison her. Just to make sure that the ex-cop could feel the love, the warden had her picture of Ciara ripped from the wall.

The rest of the week involved the whole Philip-Mel-Chloe-Daniel-Nathan-Caroline-Stephanie-Adrienne-Kayla-Carly-Sabrina-Sister Anne-Santa Claus-the Order of Templars-the local mafia-the CIA-Castro-the people who faked the moon landing-the Stonecutters- the Illuminati and various other groups in the eternal Parker paternity conspiracy. It's a frightening thing when Melanie ends up being the most mature person in a plot and everyone else starts acting like a teenager. Even Caroline started speaking in slang and sporting leggings for pants. Dr. Dan was tipped off that something was amiss when he caught Sabrina, Titan's resident skank, sucking on Philly K's face. Of course, nothing was actually going on, but then Daniel overheard Steph and Caroline blabbing about it so he decided to lamp Philly one in the face. There was much punching and then some longshoremen broke them up. Philly and Chloe talked about what to do next and he decided to take the fall, allowing dangerous Dan to think he'd been schtupping Sabrina, but then swearing him to secrecy to protect Mel, thus saving Christmas for everyone involved. Daniel was reluctant, after all, he'd had a one-night stand before and look what that did to life on earth, but agreed to fasten his gob for now.

Lines of the week:


Johnny: His name is Santa, stupid!

EJ: I would jump for joy, but I haven't had my coffee yet.

Rafe: Better you throwing Christmas ornaments than throwing in the towel.

EJ: I know what he looks like. I don't need to see pictures.

Victor:
Morticia and Gomez are no longer together.


December 10, 2010
Now that she's had her mani-pedi and a good dose of hot chocolate and scones, Viv had the rosiness in her cheeks again and was back to wreaking revenge. This week her wrecking ball was aimed squarely on the Kiriakis crew and loyal manservant Gus gave her all the dirt she'll need to, not bury them alive, but certainly put them in traction.

Stefano continued to stew about his newfound baby boy and the fact that Kate had screwed him over front and back. She entreated him for forgiveness. He decided to forgive her in the DiMera way: by sending her around to do penance. Although she was reluctant, she bowed to Salem's evil pope and pulled on her stilettos to clobber over to Chloe's where she dropped off a baby warming gift and told the shocked parents how sorry she was for trying to kill Chloe with chocolate. She didn't know that 'death by chocolate' was just a meaningless turn of phrase. After spitting out Stefano's script about what a jealous, vindictive cow she was, she went back to Casa DiMera to graze. Even Chloe noticed that something unusual had just happened. Stefano then gave Kate a second task: cowering to Vivian. This time, Kate told him to go to hell and they spent a day discussing how they were breaking each other's crusty little hearts. She was so sad her hair turned three shades of blue.

Of course, Vivian wasn't the only one doling out misery. Elvis continued his latest festival of torture. He even popped up in Samanther's dreams to taunt her. She did the wise thing and ignored all advice, guilting Will into giving her the old key to Casa DiMera. She snuck in to see Johnny since she'd been forced to ignore him on the pier. He was confused but she told him that she loved him and taught him what looked like the Vulcan 'live long and prosper' sign to communicate this. She then ran into the night and had to hide in the bushes, gagging on Rafe's hand, while EJ strode around the garden bickering with Kate and searching for the giant boa constrictor that he lets Syd play with. When EJ got back inside, his son hurled a tantrum at him for being separated from his mom.

Nicole also bore the brunt of EJ's wrath. Although she helped him keep the kids from Sami, she lectured him for being a worse father than his father. As usual, he refused to let anyone analyze him and went on the defensive, ordering her once again to stay away from Brady. Brady refused to follow EJ's rules. His love for Nicole is like the wind, it doesn't have to follow the laws of Elvis - it can blow any time, anywhere. To convince her of this, he yanked her out of the top she picked up at goodwill and then tried to convince the audience of his passion by giving them an ass shot and the staff of the mansion by leaving them a mess on the living room sofa. (This is why they pay Henderson the big money, at least, I hope they do.) That was enough to convince her that they should just fake their break-up and do the romantic thing: meet up like a john and a hooker whenever possible.

Although she was stuck in solitary, Hope was never left alone. Fellow inmates and Warden Jane were always hanging around to argue and gossip with her. She quickly figured out that the warden and Lee were in cahoots, but she had no idea what the cahooters were cahooting about with all of the corpses they were collecting. Since Babs called in a favor from the governor to call the warden and warn her not to let anything happen to Hope, Jane had to back off on her plan to let the former cop be pulverized into a cube on her way to a prison up north. Instead, she decided to dictate a confession to her and then try to pass her off as mentally unhinged. Hope managed to pen it in a way that it made Bab's beard bristle and he guessed something was up. Meanwhile, Carly and Chloe continued to tell each other that they would never let anyone know what's up. And Daniel got a mistaken idea of what's up. He walked into the pub and saw Sabrina, Titan's secretary with a revolving bedroom door (and an escalator and a parking garage), trying it on with Philly K and got the impression they'd been canoodling. Speaking of which, Will and Gabi finally kissed and they were so overwhelmed that it turned into split screen shot just to contain their overflowing emotions.

Lines of the week:

Kate: I will hate myself for it. I am a liar. I am threatened by just about everything, especially younger, talented beautiful women like Chloe. Hopefully I will someday be a better person, but, until then, I hope you will accept my apology.

Stephanie: My family is falling apart.
Nathan: They're lucky they have you to hold them together.

Caroline: Roman and Bo won't let me skate for this. They have too much integrity.

Johnny: Why is he the boss of you?

Kate: As if I didn't have my own money! I used your cards because I enjoyed being your wife.

EJ: I don't actually have a deep down. I can be shallow, I can be callow and, apparently, I am an idiot.


December 3, 2010
It was a week of starting things fresh. A near deadly disease forced people to be honest with themselves, if only for a minute or two. Near fatal experiences left people ready to move ahead and try to kill someone else. And noticeable betrayals left a father and son with a chance at making a new life together.

Cut off from the gossipy world of greater Salem, the ADD afflicted Mel and Nate finally had the chance to come to terms with how they feel about each other. They've been so busy sticking their hands into other people's guts that they'd nearly forgotten they have feelings in there too. They spent hours attempting to have a conversation but this kept putting them to sleep. Finally they admitted that they love each other like a monkey loves bananas. Of course, they were too feverish to do anything about it. It probably didn't help that they had an audience most of the time either. Since he didn't have the option to fast forward, Philip paced and stared through the glass. Carly couldn't take watching this plot anymore and decided to inject herself into more forcefully by shooting herself up with the virus. This gave them the chance to test the anti-virals Daniel developed on her, not that it made much sense since they were all sick together and treated at the same time. The magic spell that Dada Jonas doctored up worked in a matter of minutes and everyone was soon back to spinning around and making out. Nathan realized that Mel was his soulmate but he'd rather be with Stephanie, the human version of coffee mate. And Daniel went home to Chloe who demonstrated how much she'd changed by figuring out that lasagnas go in the oven and baby's just go off-screen rather than the other way around.

Elsewhere in the hospital... Maggie woke up to find Viv standing over her. She wasn't out to kill her any more though. Unlike everyone else in Salem, Viv knows how to move on. There are plenty of other old revenge plans she can retread. Just to start screwing around though, she let Maggie know about everyone involved in burying her alive. Maggie confronted the Kiriakis clan about it. They all acted sheepish. Philip told Mel the gory details but she didn't seem to care. While this near death experience culminated in its bed-ridden anti-climax, the medical mystery at the prison continued. Hope was flipping out about patients mysteriously dying and then their bodies disappearing. She was stuck in solitary to shut her up but this was doomed to fail. Babs made plenty of faces but that was about all he could come up with. Hope, displaying her usual detecting skills, still could get no whiff that the warden was in on the whole body trade in the infirmary. She better not dig too deep because it could turn out that Caroline is ordering the bodies for her shepherd's pie.

Rafe hired a former Navy SEAL to swim around the harbor. That didn't take long. While he did find all of the goldfish that the children in town have been flushing, parts of a sunken city and the now fully grown sea monkeys which a young Samantha Jean had dumped in, there was no gun matching the right description (there were the numerous arms shipments that were sunk in the various DiMera-Kiriakis turf wars over the years, but nothing as sissy as EJ's pistol). This left Sami in a position to make even more faces than Babs, but she tried to keep her family calm and vowed to back off of EJ for now. As usual, that plan lasted all of five minutes.

Most of the week's drama was reserved for Casa DiMera. When EJ wasn't making faces and ordering people around, he was skulking in the rarely seen and remarkably overgrown backyard garden. Sami snuck in to try and swipe Syd but Nicole batted her back before calling in Elvis. He ranted and Sami and gave her the boot. Strangely enough, most of his week wasn't spent discussing how he was going to make Sami suffer. He took a break to make Stefano suffer a bit by telling him how Kate had betrayed them. This led to Stefano proving that he can bellow as well as his son. Kate's eyes nearly popped as she cried but he wasn't being sympathetic and kicked her out. Chad dropped in to hear the paternity results. It turned out that he really is a DiMera. Normally the prospect of endless wealth, power and a mansion would make someone happy, but young Chadsworth's met EJ so he knows better. In spite of Stefano trying to bond with him, Chad shot him down. After all, if he became one of the family, he'd half to wear a suit. Instead, he can go back to being Salem's homeless teenager sleeping in the pet cemetery.

Lines of the week:

Chad: Does never work for you?

Viv: Where did it go wrong?

Victor: You were involved.

Bo: I'd pay a thousand dollars to be bored for five minutes.

EJ: Once a hooker, always a hooker. She sure knows how to fake it.


November 26, 2010
In Salem this week, Rafe and Sami decided on a life in wedlock to avoid one locked behind bars. She said 'no' to his less-than-romantic proposal at first and then cried and then laughed and said 'yes' and cried some more. Apparently Alison Sweeney's scripts don't feature periods, just emoticons of weeping faces. The not-so-happy couple woke up the children and told them that they were dragging them out to the woods for a midnight wedding. Johnny and Allie were confused enough to be excited but Will was worried and realized his mom was up to something. All the same, they all filed out to the Salem woods, though there were no leaping mutated fish to scare Sami this time. Rafe had the place decked out with fairy lights and, apparently, had a clergyman who couldn't even make it in Vegas brought in just for the occasion. Caroline busted out the collection of ropes she's been keeping handy since Samantha Jean was a troubled teen and the bride and groom tied themselves to the children. This symbolic act was soon to be undone however. Across town, Nicole was busy trying to talk herself into EJ's good graces. She may have given him the proof that Sami literally made him lose part of his mind, but he still wasn't forgiving her for what she did to taint his love for elevator sex. They got marginally more sentimental, but the tender moment was shattered when his spies tipped him off about the wedding. He had a fit and dragged Nicole with him to tear the children from Sami's arms. Samanther was forced to say goodbye. Even Nicole was grossed out by how cruel the whole thing was but she went along with it and went back to Casa DiMera with Syd and EJ. He told her not to get her hopes up, but things were clearly looking up for them.

Victor charged into the mausoleum to rescue Maggie. Gus jumped him and zapped with with a tazer. As the curmudgeon crawled on the ground, he managed to spit out a few more insults as Viv ramped up the theatrics before suddenly pulling a giant blade out of thin air. Before she could fillet the old gangster, Brady rushed in, fresh from roughing up poor Augustine, and grabbed the frail but evil old woman. The ambulance and cops were called. Maggie was pulled out and recovered at lightning speed. Vic sobbed and told her he loved her. She couldn't be with a man who enjoys torturing his wife though
... no matter how nice his moustache is, that is still a turn off. He sadly slouched away. Meanwhile, Viv and Brady were...

...read the rest of this musing on the blog.


November 19, 2010
Nearly the entire week was split between the hospital and the Safe loft. Only glimpses of the fading elegance of the mansion and Casa DiMera could be had. Not even a fleeting glance at the solar powered chia pet refuge known as Casa da Babs was offered. Although it's hard to tell which of those spaces is actually healthier, the Safe loft is only contaminated by mental illness while the hospital was awarded this week with an outbreak of 'mystery disease', later revealed to be the Loma virus. This follows on the heels of weeks of us hearing about TB, ADD, the Atlantis virus, the clone killing nanovirus, the gray death, the green death, the panting sickness, brain glitches, Beaurgeard's Complaint, Hopeless Warts, Strombolopocopolis, the Legacy Virus, the Satan Bug, Dave's Syndrome, terminal Bonitis, Mad Snail and Retrovertigo popping up everywhere. Of course, Kayla got called away earlier this month to deal with Steve and his malaria, and it's a good thing too since they might have noticed that a new generation of characters have lifted the scripts from their old stories.

Things began innocuously enough. Jennifer puttered around town. She confessed to Babs that Jack has left her to find himself... in Daytime's great refuge for hunky conmen, millionaires and crazed killers: Australia. After all, if they made the boomerang come back, so why not your true self? While she moped about this, Hope moped at the prison about all of the people mysteriously dying. The warden and her butch Nordic minion decided that they might have to shut Hope's amateur detective firm down.

Over at the hospital, awkwardness reigned as Mel and Nate's fizzling chemistry started to make everyone around them slightly nauseous. One unfortunate soul stumbled in fresh from vacation with what the two bumbling medical professionals just thought was the flu. They sent him down the hall and moments later he was dead. This was University Hospital though, not the prison, so it could only have been gross incompetence rather than brute criminality that caused this death. Dr. Ben started to put the pieces together and then threw everyone into freakout mode. Mel and Nate had another of their patented fights where they speak ad nauseum and say nothing and then had a workplace breakup. She stumbled off and nearly fell in the harbor to become a meal for the clams while Nate stumbled into the pub and tried to escape the nauseating chowder stench by climbing into his pint. Steph, displaying her usual knowledge of the human psyche, realized something must be wrong and pulled him out and over to the emergency room. The intern and the nurse were shoved into quarantine. Half dead and the rest in a haze of narcotics, they actually managed to be lucid for once. Down the hall, Steph, confused more than ever and possibly diseased, decided it was prime time to pay the baby a visit. Philip had been cooing over Chloe's baby all morning while 'father' Daniel attended his other duties. They went into the hall to make faces at each other and then he went back to hanging out with the baby. Even Victor stopped by to tell the diva she did something right for once. He also managed to figure out that something was seriously askew over in his mausoleum when Viv started to almost sound cheery as he traded insults with her.

The evidence Ari had left behind floated around town, although her ghost seems to have found something more lucrative to do, which is more than we can say for Brady's mom, who continued to pop up. After Nicole had shown the video to Sami and Rafe, he agreed to let her see Syd in exchange for her silence. Sami did not like this one teeny tiny bit but Rafael assured her that they would screw Nicole over with this. Sure enough, he brought Syd the kid to see Nic at the mansion. As she taught the little girl to play fetch with her car keys, Rafe snuck off to give her computer worms. He then scooped up Syd and hit the road. EJ showed up in the loft and re-discovered the one way to make Sami shut up - chloroform. Once he'd knocked her out, Allie started screaming. EJ covered and told Johnny to pack up his penguin for Pirate Island. Unfortunately, Syd was nowhere to be found so he had to abort his plan. Back at the mansion, Nicole soon found her computer was as sick as an alleycat by the pier. She guessed this was because of Hernandez so she decided to try her plan B. She brought the single original copy of her evidence to Elvis. After they reminisced about how they fell in love in an elevator and enjoyed a thirty hour honeymoon, they had exhausted the highlights of their affair and he vowed to do the right thing if she handed him the proof that Sami had shot him in the head. He ran over to confront Samanther about it and taunt her while Rafe was busy with Babs. Even without any evidence, Babs has already managed to figure out that Sami shot Junior in the cranium. It looks like some of that brain matter must have rubbed off on him. Rafe then stalked around town and ran into Nicole. They got into a spewing match about who was a bigger idiot. Meanwhile, Elvis returned to lay his cards on the table and tell Sami that she could either say goodbye to her kids and hand them over to him forever, or she could face jail and be sure that Will and Rafe would follow her behind bars. Sami cried so much it became contagious but Elvis still insisted on this. After he left, Rafe showed up and said they should get married right away.

Anyway, you know what's coming now. It's the spoilers. If you don't want to know and would prefer to imagine what happens, please go away now and enjoy your weekend. Rafe decides to run Sami down the altar just as Babs suggested. Elvis hears of this but Rafe turns to him and tries to talk him into backing off. Considering how endless that conversation must be, it's no surprise that Roman finally manages to figure out that his daughter could have been the one who pulled the trigger. As he ponders whether to do the legal thing or the Brady thing, Mel and Nate ponder their undying feelings for each other as they sit at death's door. Chad and Stefano pop in at the hospital to be tested so that Stefano can see if he has a backup for this year's father-son picnic for supervillains in case Elvis flakes out. Brady's sanity continues to flake away as his mother returns from the dead again to have a chat with him and Maggie's sanity seems to have completely flaked off as Victor drags her body out of the sarcophagus.

Lines of the week:

Viv: Nuts? That's not a Maggie word unless it's in a cookie.

Bo: (of Sami) I've known her since before she knew how to lie.

Sami: I'm many things but I'm not a great mom.

Viv: It's not a joke. That's too narrow a box.



November 12, 2010
Dear Baby Parker Jonas,

Welcome to the world of Salem. I'm sorry... for your name, I mean. There are a lot of other things I could say sorry about, mostly because no one you meet will be willing to take responsibility for any of them.

You were born in the dusty and dingy Horton cabin, a ramshackle joint stuck in the middle of nowhere. Your parents fell in love there, or in lust at any rate, as they had an affair while she was married to someone else. When you were born, your big sister was threatening to tell your dad that your mom had been knocked up by another man. That plan went south when Chloe's water burst all over her shoes. Mel did her best not to be grossed out and tried to be professional as she stuck her head between Chloe's legs. There you were, little Parker, blue and barely breathing. Mel started to freak but then Dr. Dan strode in, dropped his leather jacket on the floor, and let you fall out. Apparently Chloe's birth canal was so well lubricated that you were made squeaky clean from traveling through it. Adding to your status as a miracle baby, you seem to have grown the whole time without the need of so much as an umbilical cord. Anyway, your gurgling face was paraded around town. It was enough to make Mel shut her gob about who knocked up your mom. It also seemed to be enough to put the kibosh on Stephanie's plan. She's had another of those infamous changes of conscience and told her Grandma Caroline that she was going to let the truth out. After seeing your face, that wouldn't happen... for now. Philip, who you will no doubt come to know, was standing by and watching the whole thing. After watching you being born, he told your sister that he's ready to be a dad now. It's a good thing.

Across town, Philip's birth mother, Duchess Vivian, had managed to get her way out of a damp pink enclosure which pumped food in and waste out. No, she wasn't in a womb like you, but close. Once Gus pried his madam from her sarcophagus, they taunted Maggie about what a nasty Mr. Mustache is and then stuffed her in. Maggs started going into instamatic madness. Meanwhile, Victor and Philip were about to pop the top of the crypt, but Viv called him up and begged him not because she made 'a mess' (something you will become very familiar with). Victor decided to swallow this load of cods wallop and then forbade anyone from going near the sarcophagus.

You are not the only child whose paternity is problematic. In fact, you would be a bit of a freak if it weren't. You'll be old enough to talk about this with the teens in town in no time. For now, just know that Chad Peterson Woods was informed by pony express this week that he is actually a DiMera. He thought it was a joke but no one was laughing. He sobbed to Will about it. He's had paternity problems of his own. Unfortunately for him, his maternal problems are a great deal worse, but that's for another day. Young William did his best to be delicate with the Chadster and warned him away from kicking the hornet's nest of DiMera affairs. Kate then jogged by in her new outfit, a sweat suit/toga with 80s exercise gloves and attempted to moonwalk her way through uttering exactly the same warning. Chad's emo hair was drooping too far over his face for him to interpret her strange pantomime of possible doom.

But while people were pondering what to do with your new life now that it's trapped in the tawdry world of Salem, most of the citizens in town were dealing with someone who just left it. You see, a woman named Ari had been run down in the street. There are so few cars in town that no one knew how to handle this catastrophe. They decided to forget about it and just concentrate on the camera she had since it contained footage of Samantha Jean Brady confessing to trying to blow out the brains of Elvis. EJ ran around town looking, sent his minions trawling the sewers, sent sniffer dogs through the park and sent health and safety to go through the chowder batch. Of course, Nicole had grabbed it. She has a habit of grabbing things like booze, babies and incriminating evidence. She tried to use it to get leverage from Sami so she could see Syd again. You'll meet Syd one day. No doubt she'll teach you to roll your eyes at the adults in town like she does before your SORASed to be old enough to have an affair. Anyway, Sami didn't like Nic blackmailing her so she pushed her into her IKEA counter top and split her head open. Luckily in Salem, counter tops, like bullets, can't actually do a person's head any real damage. Rafe arrived and split them up. Once they'd counted to ten, Nicole blackmailed them into letting her spend some more time with the daughter that she lost.

Anyway, now onto the spoilers. Don't read these Parker. Your life will be rough enough without knowing what's coming down the turnpike. As for the rest of you, if you really want to know... Mel will be quarantined, and not for her hyperactive mouth. It seems that she and Nate contracted some unfortunate virus that is then trapped in a hospital room with them and not allowed out. They get delirious and talk about their love for each other. Meanwhile, Victor realizes that something strange is happening in the sarcophagus so rushes out and winds up dragging Maggie's manic body out of it. Elvis runs around town making deals. Nicole pays him a visit and waves the secrets she's uncovered under his nose just as he's contemplating running off to Pirate Island with the kids. With a little ammunition, he heads across town to sink Sami's battleship. And Rafe decides that what the town really needs right now is another wedding, preferably as fast as humanly possible.

Lines of the week:
Nicole: Tell all my homies in the women's prison I say 'wassup!'

Brady: Like my grandfather says, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Sami:
I want to marry you and spend all of our lives together but I shot EJ in the head.

Vivian: I'm not that excited bout victory over a henna-haired little farm girl. I've sunk so low.


November 5, 2010

It was another tumultuous week in Salem full of shocking revelations, disease outbreaks, pumpkin picking, some worms and even a guest appearance by President Obama. Steph and Nate continued the post-proposal pre-marital sextravaganza on their purple sheets. But while they were cooing and cuddling sweet nothings, Kayla was busy choking on her mother's words. Taking a break from raising Sami's children, Caroline explained to her baffled daughter that she's the one who decided to play God with the paternity tests. Kay tried to chew on this but her jaw had fallen to the floor so fast that it was half broken. She forgot her lines so she just channeled what most of the viewers were saying. Things like: 'this is impossible,' 'this makes no sense,' 'you can't expect me to believe this,' 'why are you acting so out of character?' 'where's my martini?' 'is this a nightmare?' 'how stupid do you think I am?' and so on. Caroline plowed over all of that and did the only thing she could: repeat over and over again that she did it and it was all perfectly sensible just because she says it is (this used to be called Sami method but maybe she got it from Caroline). Kay was eventually walloped into submission by her mom's finger wagging. Besides, once Caroline had explained that Steph wouldn't shut up about her fears of losing Nathan, Kayla knew that only something insane could stop her daughter's paranoia. Because she couldn't keep the madness to herself, she tried to rope Babs in, and even made nice with Carly. In the end, she had to give in to her mother's protests and didn't reveal her latest antics. Caroline tried to keep everyone distracted by pouring them the latest batch of "Brady Black," the family stout ale brewed with the burnt coffee of the Salem PD, the hops that grow in the gutter outside the pub and a few secret ingredients which it's better you don't know about. But once three generations of Brady women were alone, Kayla resisted telling her daughter that her mom was responsible but did explain that the tests were actually switched. And then Kay got called back to Africa because Steve had come down with malaria at just the right moment. Kayla didn't have time to ask her mom if she'd sent a mosquito to bite him.

Over at the prison at its perch overlooking the pet cemetery, Hope continued to fret and dart her eyes around about the possibility that there was some sort of strange cover-up going on. She told Babs about it, although, since the entire conversation took place in code, he might not have known exactly what she was talking about. Hope also had a depressing visit from Maggie, fresh from a voyage to the pumpkin patch with Daniel, in which they tried not to talk about Victor so they could discuss something more cheerful like how Hope was missing her daughter growing up (she should probably be worrying that she's been hanging out with Grandma Caroline at the Salem Brew School for Juvenile Delinquents). When she went back to her filing duties, she was informed that there was an outbreak of TB at the prison. At least that was a break from the usual round of syphilis or the bubonic plague that's been at work at Salem High.

In the sarcophagus, Vivian started to tip over the edge into a different kind of madness than she's used to. Tormented by worms and then by a trip to purgatory to visit with Lawrence, she struggled to keep herself sane by making as many quips as possible. While the poison wasn't affecting her poisonous wit, everyone else seemed distracted by other things. Victor went into a tizzy thanks to Kate about the prospect of Philly discovering his birth mother was buried alive. As soon as they made a deal, Philly K. easily found Viv yacking it up with Brady. His first instinct was to save her, but after hearing her voice, he changed his mind and decided to let her rot. He strolled straight into the mansion, where Kate was busy mocking Nicole and telling her that Victor was now her bitch. Philip announced that they would let Viv die in there and they all toasted to it.

Viv wasn't the only one being visited by the dead though. Sami got a visit from the ghost of Arianna. Like all ghosts who come to Salem, she was in a bad mood and spent her time taunting Sami. Of course, Sami had other things to get her panties in a knot about. She caught Nicole trying to buy Kenzie into her service as the go-to to get her secret visits with Syd. Nicole should have known better than to try and recruit the town's most selfish and least loyal lady (which is saying something). Her plan quickly fizzled and she had to listen to more bad mouthing from the town's pinup girl for mediocre mothers. Meanwhile, Elvis had his spies scouring the town and following his enemies. He was determined to let them lead him to the evidence his heart desired. He showed up at the pub where everyone gathered for Ari's memorial. Everyone talked about what a tough cookie the town's latest street meat was. Elvis and Rafe were about to get into a brawn versus the brain damaged throw down when Justin stopped in to announce that he was Ari's lawyer and she left something behind in her special box of mystery and doom.

And now for the moment you've all been waiting... the spoilers. If you don't want to know, or if you think you'd be better off hoping than knowing which story you'll be trapped in, please leave now and enjoy your weekend. Next week, the sarcophagus story continues, only this time Maggie is stuck in the box and her threshold of sanity seems to be a great deal lower because she almost instantly starts to lose it. Carly starts to fear that she may be losing Babs, or that she never had quite enough of him to begin with, and his heart is still palpitating for Hope. Daniel goes into palpitations of his own when Chloe lurches into labor. Steph decides that before the baby drops would be the best time for her to drop the truth on him. Elvis decides that he's going to drop everything and return to his old plan of running off with the children. The pied piper of Salem isn't the only one giving Sami something to fight about. She and fellow blond Elvis ex, Nicole, get into a battle of brawn as they pound each other over Syd.

Lines of the week:
Viv: The poor boy has always been a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Kate: That's why Victor is my bitch.

Victor: Does Nicole want a drink? Does Dracula want blood?

Victor: Like most contracts, marriage has an escape clause: 'til death do us part.

Viv: I gave you life. Return the damn favor!

Caroline: Sometimes I do things that aren't warm and fuzzy.


Kayla: Maybe the judge will take pity on her because of her age.
Caroline: Stuff it! I'm not that old.



October 29, 2010
It was another sad week in Salem, in spite of Chloe being out of town. Since she and Daniel were off cavorting in the imaginary world beyond, the medical staff of Salem General was left on their own to sort out the carnage that came through their swinging doors and creaking elevators. As most of the town prepared to put on ghoulish masks, some citizens just acted plain ghoulish or wore long faces.

Rafe was suffering hallucinations from licking Sami's back the other day. No one warned him that she was Salem's answer to the infamous psychoactive toad. After all, that's the only thing that could explain the anecdote he decided to tell Ari on her hospital deathbed. Even a viewer who didn't like the doe eyed Arianna could hardly stop from crying when they had to witness some of the last words that she would ever hear on this earth. Her brother gave her corny anecdotes about how she saved an alley cat. She turned and wretched. The fact that Sami stuck her head in afterwards was enough to do her in. And as Ari bit the dust with EJ pacing outside her door, somewhere her bloated tom cat was croaking and waiting for her. As soon as her eyes were closed, her organs were harvested. Rafe told Gabi that their sister's heart could now fall in love again. The poor little girl receiving the heart realized that she wouldn't just be having her life saved, she might also have to be SORASed so the heart could continue its love affair with EJ whether she wanted it to or not.

Elvis spent most of the week more miserable than ever. Not only was he still adjusting to having his brain dislodged, he had to sit back and watch the one and only friend he's ever had die. His heart broke to lose his bessie mate, the kind he had always longed for since he was a wee one. That's why the chumless EJ chose to come to Salem. He was under the impression that it was America's chum capital but it's actually the capital for chumps. Forced to sit in the waiting room of doom, he did his best to entertain himself by threatening Will, groping his neck and bellowing in his face just like he used to do when he lived across the hall. Will didn't kick him in the groin and call him a 'perv' this time, he just ran to his mom. Lexi finally gave her bro the heave ho and he went home to mope to Stefano. Sami spent the minimal amount of time comforting Rafe, but she didn't seem willing to hang around for the tears to actually come out of his emotionally haggard face. She ran off to search for the elusive video and tore Ari's room apart. Elvis jumped her and then they started wrestling. EJamis everywhere jumped up and stuck their eyeballs against the screen as the couple tussled on the dead woman's bed. In slow motion it almost looked as if they were groping each other, but in reality she heaved her cleavage in his face and then ran off with whatever she could get, which turned out not to be much of anything.

Nicole dropped by Maggie's and encouraged her to give Victor a shot. He's always been a miserable bastard, but now he's a miserable and lonely one. Nic played the grief card and that made the redhead decide that walking away from a man in mourning was the wrong thing to do. She rushed over to hold his hand. Viv watched on the sarcophacam and darn near puked. Meanwhile, still convinced that Kate wants to jump his bones, or at least fondle his well-lubricated hair, Chad randomly showed up at Casa DiMera. He had a conversation with Kate and Stefano that seemed so pointless that it could only be the beginning of another Days Of Our Lives plotline. Kate had other fish to fry though. After accidentally overhearing Brady telling the dying Ari all about what he'd done to Viv, she rushed over to the Kiriakis compound to sniff around. It wasn't long before she discovered that Viv hadn't run off, she was just trapped in a pimped out coffin with really good lighting. For a split second Kate contemplated letting her go free, but then remembered that she hated her. Victor swanned in on their bartering and offered to pay Kate a small fortune to keep her mouth shut about this. She got giddy, made all sorts of veiled references to his testicles, and then they went off for a brandy, leaving Viv to keep moaning in the mausoleum.

The Salem pumpkin patch was raided by children and their parents, leaving a long trail of orange squash guts and manure around the town which was rapidly set upon by rabid gangs of raccoons. At least such local madness is the only thing that could explain why Nicole was dressed like Blossom most of the week. As she looked for a hat to finish off her outfit, and maybe fill in for a scarecrow since she doesn't show up for her regular job anymore, she ran into Kenzie and Syd -- not just once, but twice. The second time, they got to ride on the slide until Caroline showed up and decided to rip her a new one. Syd and Kenzie ran off and Caroline did more finger wagging than a Walmart full of angry grandmothers. She had other problems too. It seemed like the whole Brady family was going to hell in a hand basket. Hope continued to worry that there was a cover-up in the prison. Babs continued to make faces and Stephanie finally got what she's been looking for all along: Nate proposed to her on their day off. He decided he had to do it while her mom was still in town, but it still took him longer to utter his proposal than most weddings last. At the time, Kayla was busy getting screeched at by Carly before she plodded over to the pub to tell her mum that she had to ruin Babs' life. Caroline stopped her short to explain that ruining his life will have to be left to someone else because Carly didn't actually change the paternity test results.

You know what's coming next... it's the spoilers. So run away now if you'd rather not have your innocent mind warped by what's in store. Kayla will ask Caroline the obvious question and get the most absurd answer imaginable. It turns out that the town's pint pulling matriarch changed the test results (when she wasn't busy babysitting Sami's children, running a pub and giving advice to her inept offspring). Kayla quickly relates this chestnut to Steph. While Steph's head is exploding, Kate is trying to be a good mother-in-law by telling Mel that she should stay away from her nasty stepmom Chloe. As Viv hallucinates in the sarcophagus, half the town gathers together to bid farewell to Ari, the woman they barely knew and whose significance can now be inflated to saintliness. While her friends and family continue to dig for the evidence she left behind, Nicole plans for a way to bring baby Syd back into her life again.

Lines of the week:
Kate: With the outfit you're wearing, I'd avoid the word 'tasteless'.

Nicole: Why don't you just go or die or something?

Viv: Who thought it would be so boring sitting in a coffin and waiting for poisonous fumes to make you go mad?

EJ: He's certainly not Melba toast like his mother.

Bo: Incompetence is not a crime.

Chloe: (of Mel) She's worse than annoying: she's dangerous.


October 22, 2010
Ciara was feeling bad and wanted to see her mom. Babs, terrified of what an angry little girl is capable of, agreed to take her to the big house to see Hope. The mother and daughter were reunited and talked about their not-so-different playgrounds. Hope was distracted by thoughts of April, not the month when she'll be released, but the girl who mysteriously died. Little does she know that her organs were harvested and turned into the super potency formula that EJ uses to get sterile women pregnant. Meanwhile, the warden and the infirmary's resident butch blond restrained themselves from re-enacting scenes from "The Women of Block D" to cast paranoid glances at the equally paranoid Hope. Paranoid glances ruled the world outside the prison too. Thanks to what appeared to be a windshield flyer advertising Daniel and Chloe's wedding, Sister Anne discovered that Carly had been trying to pull her habit over her head. The nun was not amused and told her so. While she contemplated what kind of punishment to recommend to the almighty, Kayla eavesdropped from the local bushes and guessed that her daughter might be on to something after all.

Out of the hospital, Elvis decided to fry what was left of his brain by using his cell to play phone tag with Arianna all week. She'd left him with an incomplete sentence, which is disturbingly rare in a world where sentences aren't only completed, they're repeated at least half a dozen times before they actually start to register. Ari ran around town like a confused chicken in a KFC on a cocktail of hormone and PCP. She ran to her brother's to confront him with what she discovered about the EJ brain spattering. He tried to convince her to lie. That hurt her feelings. She ran away. He ran after and once again tried to convince her to lie. That hurt her feelings even more. Her brother did his best to browbeat her with his hard head but that didn't work. Sami called her over and admitted everything. She didn't try to convince her to lie, just to keep her mouth shut, something the blond one has heard a lot about if never done herself. She did what any bad criminal does and gave a complete and detailed confession of the entire fiasco to the person who wanted to take her down. Ari did what everyone does these days and recorded the whole thing. It seems that the people in Salem have finally been catching up with modern technology. Not only can you eavesdrop on people, you can easily collect evidence on them. Since it's not like the cops actually do their jobs, I guess it's a good thing that everyone from Nicole to Arianna can now do it for them for free. Since unemployed Rafe was now flouting the law, Ari took it upon herself to be a goody-two shoes. Sami was having none of it though and tried to pound the woman half her size into the floorboards. Luckily Ari was used to wrestling off big women from her time in the joint. The ho-down throw-down left most of the living room trashed and even the dogs in Rafe's favorite painting were averting their eyes from the hideous spectacle. Ari ran off. Will ran into her and tried to talk her out of talking but she ran off and straight into traffic. She was run down in front of the pub, either by a drunk driver or the 'meat' delivery van, which then sped off. (I almost forgot that people have cars in Salem. I just assumed they had canals to help them get around, but apparently they still need them for the occasional hit and run.) Once she was scraped up, she was rushed to the hospital where they tried to keep her all in one piece. As Rafe and Gabi sobbed about their sister, Sami wondered how she could steal her purse and get back the incriminating evidence.

Victor wandered into the mausoleum to say some prayers for his dearly departed daughter. He was rather shocked to hear Vivian's voice echoing from a sound device. Viv had already begun to succumb to tomb madness, not that it made much different to mean Mr. Mustache. She told him her version of the sordid story of her sarcophagus entrapment. Poor Gus was nowhere to be seen after being knocked on the noggin and dragged away last week without the slightest explanation. Victor ruminated about whether he should leave her in there to die. He went to the mansion to think it over. Brady had just arrived, fresh from telling Nicole that they were never going to have children whether they were from her womb, a petri dish, an orphanage, a stork, the Christian Children's Fund, found in a basket on the front door or in the squirrel's nest in a Christmas tree. This made her pout, a pout that was extended when she bumped into Syd and Caroline roared at her to get lost. Anyway, Victor ran into Brady, who promptly confessed to everything. Victor was impressed. He even told Nicole how impressed he was when she showed up. Brady was having a change of heart though and the worm really started to turn and twist him when his mom's ghost spontaneously appeared to tell him that he'd been a naughty boy. He couldn't handle her saintly finger wagging and vowed that he would get Grannie Viv released, which Nicole pointed out would be hard now that Victor knew where she was and what she had done to his beloved Isabella.

Anyway, now the spoilers. If you don't know what those are, believe me, you don't want to know, so go off and have a pleasant weekend kicking around some foliage, harvesting some pumpkins, swapping spit and babies and whatever else people do when they aren't watching Days. Next week, Kate decides that since she and her husband barely seem to communicate, she'll do some communicating with her ex-spouse. They chat about Vivian and how to solve the problem of keeping her in, or letting her out of, the box she's in. Vivian is scheming too... and with Nicole. It's not long before the perpetually unlucky Nicole thinks that she has a shot being part of Syd's life again. Brady's busy beating himself up about going evil and unshaven. He moans to Bill the barber about how he left Ari to the lunacy that was sure to engulf her in Salem. Rafe and EJ continue to bicker and brawl over Ari and the fallout from her proof. And Gabi catches Will doing something that he shouldn't be doing.

Lines of the week:
Ciara: (to Hope) Do you have a bully too?

Carly: I have to go home to my sweet man Bo.

Caroline: (to Nicole) I have to get her inside. She'll get some kind of disease out here.

EJ: What a little bugger.

Ari: You shot a defenseless man in the head. You lied to my brother. You made your teenage son lie for you. You're some piece of work lady.

Viv: I'm never going to bury anyone alive again. It never works out the way you think it will.

Mel: Every place is crazy but here.



October 15, 2010

The wedding that looked like it would never come finally did, although it may not have been the most satisfying event for anyone. Weddings are always a frazzled time in Salem. So many people in the hospital from chowder related illnesses or gunshots; so many people worrying about news of their libidinal drifting getting out in the open; so many fights suddenly seem as pointless as they are (and have been for months); so many unborn babies sending telegrams to their mothers to get the deal signed so they won't be born bastards.

But we begin this week outside of the slums of Salem in the cozy confines of the local penitentiary. Hope continued her battle to keep hope alive and give hope to her fellow inmates. Her infirmary co-worker Lee was keeping her eyes all over her as Hope tried to help April through her bout of appendicitis. She was finally whisked off to the real Salem hospital, a move that was sure to spell her doom. Meanwhile, Hope had to sit down for a face to face with Babs about their daughter. Ciara had been bullied and Theo had to beat up her bully for her. He wanted to kick his cops out of the coffee room and raid the kid's house but Abe held him back. Hope gave him some parenting advice involving cross-dressing. Babs blushed and said he never would have thought of that.

Back in town, Babs' ladyfriend was stuck in the teary eyed mess of miserable motherhood. After she did a little more bonding with Daniel and gave him a gift, she went to the hospital where her daughter soon popped up to rail at her for helping to keep Chloe's secret. The diva had just confessed to her old boyfriend's wife that she had cheated on her father.. and Carly helped to cover it up. Once Mel was finished beating up on the pregnant woman, she decided it was her mom's turn and tore her up. All Carly could do was say it was best for the baby and tell her daughter to grow up and get used to being as stupid as all of the other adults in town. Mel wasn't exactly thrilled with the answer, after all, she knows plenty about what babies want. She stormed over to see her father to tell him what she knew. He was soon distracted when Henderson suffered a tea related injury and had to be rushed to the hospital.

The pet cemetery had been transformed into a magical garden of love and other plights. Victor had dragged Maggie over to help him hold his tongue. Brady and Nicole were there to help each other stand up with their hangovers. And some completely random people, who had shown up to lay wreathes on the graves of their parakeets, were pulled in from the grounds to make it look like the bride and groom actually have friends. Oh, and Philip was there with his hair slicked back trying to think of a way to make sure that who he screwed wouldn't screw up his life. As Daniel arrived to start the service, Mel showed up and demanded to speak to the bride alone. They had words and Mel wimped out and decided to follow her mom's advice and be a grown-up skeez like her parents never raised her to be. The doctor and the diva were pronounced man and wife. Since there was no rice, the guests just pelted them with the dirt from the orangutan's grave. Mel went home and pouted. Her mom followed her and had to take another tongue lashing. The bride and groom, meanwhile, went to Chicago to start their married life. Chloe wore bright green and babbled while Daniel stared at his feet and drank.

Elvis' hair had grown back so fast that the doctors decided to let him out early. Sami and Rafe decided it was high time to end the marriage charade and she informed Elvis that they weren't married. He didn't seem very surprised. He mumbled threats while she and Rafe went off together. He decided it was high time that he know the truth so he quit his job so there wouldn't be a conflict of interest. How will they afford their converted locker room with no paycheck between them? I don't think Will's internship pays that much. Anyway, she was impressed and told him that she shot EJ. He offered to protect her. She was so moved she gave him back his painting of dogs playing poker as a sign of her undying love. Meanwhile, his sister had managed to spontaneously be in the right place at the right time to overhear Sami tell Will about shooting EJ. Her eyes nearly blew out of her head. She ran around town like a decapitated chicken until she showed up at Casa DiMera. EJ was rubbing his head like it would give him good luck but she was so panicked that she couldn't tell him what she discovered.

There's was a lot of making out this week, but Viv finally got the love of her life back. Manservant Gus rushed back to town to rescue his madame. Before he could, he was beaned on the noggin. Who did it? Find out next week. And speaking of next week, here come the spoilers. You know the drill: if you don't want to know, leave now and forever hold your peace. Otherwise... Ari gets plowed down next week before she can tell EJ what she knows. Since the surgery doesn't kill her right away, she might manage to get something out of her before someone dumps her in one of the town's spare graves. This gory experience comes soon on the heels of Sami trying to talk Ari out of blabbing and EJ sending Babs after Samanther. Meanwhile, Brady has visions of the dead. His mother visits him, which makes sense considering how much they've been disturbing her grave lately. His brief breakdown comes after his grandfather confronts him over the messy situation with Vivian that he just stumbled upon. And Kayla keeps stumbling on things she shouldn't know. She winds up finding out how Carly has been deceiving nuns, among others, and that could prove to be bad news for someone.

Lines of the week:
Daniel: (to Victor) You also promised to renounce the devil. I can't believe you haven't been struck by lightning.

Mel: (to Chloe) That's pretty. He gave you that. What did you give him? Herpes?

Mel: (to Chloe) You can't think that I will forgive you because you're not that dumb.

Carly: (to Mel) The only person who is outraged by Chloe's stupidity is you.

Sami: How EJ of you EJ.

Stefano: (to EJ) So you did suffer brain damage! This proves it!

Maggie (to Victor) That mind of yours must have a lot of pieces. You give them out so liberally.

Viv: There's nothing creepy in here but me.

Chloe: I don't know if I'm about to be married or be destroyed.


October 8, 2010
Most of this week in town was spent away from the vegetable patch better known as Salem General and in the various nooks and crannies of its immoral mansions and mausoleums. Brady and Nicole lounged in bed. They spent all of their time off-screen having sex, but when they were on, all she could do was talk about how he kept saying Viv's name in his sleep. That was kind of a turn-off for her, but nothing a mimosa couldn't fix. He was slightly more disturbed by his nightmare featuring a threesome between him, the blond and a gasping Viv. As horrifying as this was, the news that Brady was moving into Viv's room with Nicole in tow nearly made Victor's mustache twirl off his face. Brady tried to keep him calm by telling him that he was just using the boozy blond for his own nefarious purposes. Although that sounded like a reasonable plan, Victor still didn't like it and worried to Maggs about it.

But the shock of the week was my poor Gus, who, apparently, isn't the most stereotypical gay character in the history of Daytime but actually the least stereotypical straight one. Viv managed to call to him over the sarcopha-walkie-talkie, something which had never occurred to her in all of the days that she's spent in there. He was busy with a woman. She was weirded out by the shrine to Viv he had by his motel bed (I guess she was fine with his obsession with colon hygiene and Joan Collins). Shrine or not, he told his madam that he would not come to her rescue because she was getting what she deserved. That broke her heart.

Kayla continued to settle into town and wondered what happened to her daughter to make her turn into such an insecure wimp. She used to be a race car driver, but now the only thing she can race to do is save her relationship with a man who has less going on than a battery charger. Steph didn't have any answers to her mom's interrobangs. She just moved her hair around to try and trigger reflexes in her brain. Nate spent most of the week stuttering. First, he stuttered and mumbled to Daniel about how Chloe was no good. That didn't sit well with Dr. Dan so Nate backtracked and tried to talk his way out of it. Daniel is used to constantly dealing with stupidity so he managed to take this without much thought and drifted off. Nate then spouted to Steph about Chloe's mommy-daddy dance with whichever dude is not her fiancé. Mel just happened to be nearby to overhear this and her head nearly caved in. She stalked Nate home and then exploded at him. He tried to stutter through an excuse. She was so pissed she accidentally admitted how much she really cared about him and then ran off.

Chloe did her best to breathe all week. That's probably hard when you have a giant balloon strapped to your abdomen. Daniel practiced his baby talk on her bump before rushing off to run errands. She breathed a sigh of relief that her episode of bumping uglies with Philip will soon be a thing of the past. Or it would be if she didn't keep talking about it. Philip even dropped by to talk about how they don't have to talk about it anymore. She also breathed a sigh of relief when Father Matt agreed to baptize her spawn, regardless of who the daddy is and whether or not she's told them the truth. After all, in a town like Salem, a baby needs all the protection it can get. It looks like the baby could be born into a conflict zone though. Mel pounded her way through Chloe's door and then pounded on her face. Chloe worried that she'd messed up her hair but the slap only added highlights to her rouge. Chloe tried to play stupid but she does the real thing so well that Mel wasn't buying it. She dredged the truth out of her. While the diva didn't admit that she did her harlot's hokey-pokey with Philly, she did admit that Carly was involved in covering up her shame.

It wasn't a Sami free week though. She stood around trying to do her best to act like it was impossible for her to lie with a straight face. Although she told Lexi that pretending she's married to Elvis makes her want to hurl, she stuck to it and he kept on playing her, ratcheting up the pity points so she wouldn't think he was on to her. Then he recruited Ari to do some digging for him and find out who really perforated his brain pan. Unfortunately for Will, he was the first person she set her sights on.

Anyway, now on to the spoilers. If you don't want to know, please leave now and enjoy your weekend. Wedding bells jingle jangle next week as people gather in what looks suspiciously like the pet cemetery for Daniel and Chloe nuptials. Mel stops by her mom's to harangue her for her part in the Chloe chaos. Philip gets sucked further into the mess and tries to keep his wife quiet but maybe not hard enough. Victor almost gets kicked out of the wedding party while Gus rushes off to save Vivian. While he's getting knocked out during the rescue attempt, Sami continues having panic attacks about telling the truth and Ari proves she's a better detective than her brother as she gets one step closer to uncovering everything.

Lines of the week:
Victor: Bonded? Over what? Booze?

Steph: You just broadcast everything on the mom channel.

Viv: It's worse than an Edgar Allan Poe story.

Philip: After all this crazy wacko hell we're still friends.

Chloe: Even weirder: we're going to be family.

Mel: Stephanie, as big of a bitch as you usually are, you still deserve better than someone with no spine.


October 1, 2010
This week, Sami decided that she couldn't live with lies. Unfortunately for everyone else, her diagnosis was wrong and she can live with plenty of them, as long as they suit her. Telling EJ that they are still fork and knife was apparently way too much of a lie though. He's been using the time since he crawled out of the vegetable patch to practice how quickly he can leap from one emotion to another. Elvis explained to Gianni that having part of his brain excised by a bullet was just a boo-boo. After all, in their family, you take the time to back your brain up on a disc in case of accidents or murder attempts. When he got his father alone, EJ told him that he remembers that he never married Samanther, but needs to keep her in the dark so he can get the upper hand. Stefano explained how his crack forensics team already put the pieces together and it was clearly Sami who pulled the trigger. Meanwhile, Rafe decided to cheer Sami up by showing her their new apartment, which resembled a renovated version of the Salem Y. They made out and talked about how she didn't want to talk about what she didn't want to talk about.

Brady was back on the sauce as he drifted down to Salem's little seen pet cemetery. He demanded that the remains of his prized orangutan be handed over to him for re-burial. This bothered the cemetery director to no end and confused the crap out of Nicole, who just happened to be standing a few feet away visiting the grave of her beloved Pookie. Earlier that day, Chloe had dumped their friendship and Nicole realized that the only creature who ever cared for her was her little dog. She couldn't understand why Brady never bonded with her over his apparent love for hairy animals. The blond rushed to the mansion to search for him so they could talk about monkeys over booze, but he was nowhere to be found until Henderson tipped her off that he could be in the mausoleum. She went out and found his bluetooth sitting around. Since Nicole is apparently used to shoving random objects into her orifices, she stuck it in her ear and could hear Viv squirming and squealing for help. Nicole assumed that Victor must be behind this. When Brady came in, she confronted him about it and then suggested that Victor must have pushed him to do it. He said no way Jose; she was the one to push him over the edge of crazy (in Salem, it's called 'normal'). She tried to rationalize but he appealed to her baser instincts and they started making out before giving Viv a private porn show on her sarcophascreen.

Kayla's return continued to cause Stephanie to weep. Almost everything her mother said had her on the verge of tears. After Steph fessed up to her involvement in the whole paternity mess, Kayla explained that there could have just been a screw up by the hospital orderlies. It's not like the hospital staff in town are known for their great competency so someone could have just been fixing a staff boo-boo. Steph liked that idea, but her mom said they would have to prove it for real-real. Meanwhile, Philly K. may or may not have knocked up the supposedly barren diva, but he's not having much luck knocking up Mel even though all they do is have sex. They took a break to look at real estate on his phone and she decided they should just move in next door. Unfortunately, Victor snatched that house away from them. Papa Vic has been buying every house they put a bid on so that they couldn't move out of Maggie's. He still needs an excuse to run into the redhead. They figured this out and decided to get his goat by moving back into the mansion. Victor grumbled away. Maggs seemed almost disappointed.

And now, onto the spoilers. If you do not wish to have the glory of watching the show's plots unfold with all of the speed, though none of the subtlety, of paint drying, please look away now and enjoy your weekend. Next week, Brady decides to move Nicole into Vivian's room in a move which is sure to cause consternation as well as nausea for Victor. He might do better to worry about what his wife is up to and the fact that she finally got a hold of Gus. Meanwhile, all hell breaks loose for Victor's god son. Daniel walks in on his daughter bitch slapping his fiancée after she discovers that she was playing pelvic party games with someone. Chloe wastes no time pointing out that Carly was in on the cover up of her naked nastiness. But it isn't all crappy relationship news. Justin and Adrienne decide to try again after he explains to Babs that Hope signed the divorce papers. And Rafe looks for a way to protect Will while his sister digs for who shot EJ.

Lines of the week:

Mel: Is this a mother daughter thing? Can you read my mind?

Sami: It's like a nightmare. It won't stop. Every time I pretend I'm married to him it's like I'm betraying you.

Daniel: (to Nate) You mean the affair I had with Chloe when she was married to Lucas? I'm not proud of what we did, but she and Lucas were just wrong for each other.

Victor: Oh yeah, we have several orangutans and a couple of wombats too.

Nicole: Victor is a sick son of a bitch.

Victor: Well Nicole, I suppose that makes you my mother.

Victor: (to Brady) You're having a romantic assignation in a mausoleum with a woman who gets loaded and talks about monkeys?

Maggie: That's really expensive stalking.



September 24, 2010
The week began with jubilation for some and jitters for others. The DiMera clan gathered in the hospital to watch Sami take Elvis off of life support. As soon as his brain should have died, he started breathing and mumbling again. Stefano was thrilled but everyone else was baffled. While EJ continued to veg in his coma, Sami seemed to be waking up to the fact that killing off EJ to protect her kids might have actually put them in even more danger. Rafe took young William outside to question him by the bulrushes. Will challenged him to arrest him if was really suspicious. Rafe stood around until Will got bored and left. He then turned to Sami, who was desperately worried about the son she neglects until her concern can only be annoying. To save him, she confessed. Rafe didn't notice. She tried again. It still didn't work. He proved that he can not only sleep like a log, he can listen like one too. She tried once more and then he had to swan off. Sami was left sure that she might have to do this until the cows come home or the dogs in Rafe's favorite painting tip him off that his girlfriend is guilty. Meanwhile, Stefano fumed and assumed that Will must have been the one to try and off his only (known) son. Kate contemplated killing her new husband before he could overreact too much. He had his DNA team dig for evidence and it turned out that Will couldn't have been the shooter... but Sami could have been. (It's not like the Salem PD actually put an effort into investigating the shooting or anything.) While Elvis kept beeping, Stefano kept pleading with him to wake up so he could be daddy number 2 to EJ's kids. Whenever he left, someone else came in to keep the vegetable company. Will popped in to tell him just to roll over and die, but Ari spent all of her spare (unemployed) time massaging EJ to see if he would beep for her. These kinky interludes led to him mumbling Sami's name. Not exactly what a girl wants to hear.

Over at the Kiriakis compound, things were merrier than Santa Claus on a bender in Iceland. Victor instantly bought into Brady's cheap ruse that Viv ran away to the land of nod because she realized that he was made for Maggie. Viv watched from the sarcophagus and gagged in disbelief. Everyone Victor told about it had a hard time believing it at first too. But they didn't take too much convincing. Isabella's memorial ended up turning into a party, much to Viv's disgust. Brady was enjoying torturing her son much that he didn't even need a drink and his facial hair began manscaping itself. He went to the Cheatin' Heart and ran into Nicole. She was busy feeling sorry for herself. They got into a competition about who was more worthless but he didn't care who won because he couldn't trust her no matter what. He stormed off and she continued to get bladdered before returning to Chloe's baby bash. She instantly launched a tirade at everyone and was ordered out. She nearly blurted out the diva's secret first, which led to Carly and Chloe covering things up before Mel could piece them together. This spelled the end of Salem's longest lasting female BFFs. Their tear ducts got so fat they could have been pregnant too.

Ian wiped out on his motorcycle and wound up having his computer hacking arm stitched back together by Dr. Dan. Ian was moon eyed and babbled about what a super terrific piece of womanhood that Stephanie Johnston is. Daniel advised him to leave her and Nate alone. Ian managed to get a look at Daniel's PDA and figured out that he couldn't have been the one to switch the results either. For his part, Nate was skulking around after running out of his place. He was trying to give Steph a special delivery of his own when Kayla walked in with pizza. Steph wasn't happy to have her mom travel halfway across the world to check up on her so she did the logical thing and asked her to move in.

In the joint, the bookmobile stopped by Hope's cell to distract her from her new life with the bitch-hoz. When she reached over to pick up her copy of "Band Fags," the prison librarian wrestled her into a headlock and then her bunkmate pounded on her like she was a piece of meat. After her pummeled body was wheeled off for medical attention, the warden left her ivory tower to go down to the sewers of Salem and stop in at the pub where she informed Babs. He fumed. She made faces and left.

And now for the spoilers. You all know the drill. If you don't want to be spoiled, turn away now. Next week, the bullet that went in EJ's brain seems to have dislodged his memory, but not everyone's buying it, certainly not Rafe. He warns Sami to watch out and then shows her their new home. Meanwhile, EJ tells his father that he remembers everything. Brady hangs out at the pet cemetery and acts suspicious so Nicole decides to dig into what he's been up to. Philip figures out that his father keeps dropping by to see him so he can really see Maggie and decides it's time for him to move back to the mansion. And Kate tries a little too hard to be friendly to Chad.

Lines of the week:

Nicole: Oh, look, the villainess who is sleeping with a married man is trying to tell me how to behave.

Ian: You seem like a good guy. Too bad your girlfriend is having another dude's baby.

Sami: Everything is happening.

Carly: You got Chloe out of the hole she dug for her this time. But be careful. Be very careful. I don't know what you know and I don't want to know, but this situation affects a lot of people.
Nicole: This isn't be nice. This is a threat.
Carly: Totally.

Sami: I know Rafe wants to help me. But he's not that kinda guy to accept I shot EJ.

Viv: The two of you make me want to hurl.

Maggie: I was looking forward to throwing you a first anniversary party. I had it all planned, I was going to have it on the lawn, complete with yard gnomes and a cement gecko.


September 17, 2010
Elvis continued to vegetate. Each beep he made seemed to drive Sami slightly more mad with mixed feelings about the mentally diminished man she nearly married. EJ ruminated in his coma and thought, "Is Sami so stupid that she really thinks I'm a vegetable and has to water me with her tears? At least when I shot something in her I got a baby out of it, but all I'm getting is the leftover music from a Dr. Who episode and the occasional punch in the gut or pin in my arm." Rafe stood around doing his best impression of a wall to lean on. Once and awhile, he'd look at her and gently encourage her to think twice about pulling the plug. That plan was complicated since it turned out that young William knows all about her little rampage. Again, he agreed to protect his mom from being punished for her heinous crimes. This left poor Will feeling uncomfortable and weird all week, something which made the town's crack G-Man, Rafael, suspect that Sami's spawn must have been the one to try and off EJ.

Kate kept feeling her pulse all week to make sure she was still alive. Doing her best to avoid a distraught Stefano, she snuck over to the hospital to stick pins in Elvis to see if he was faking being a vegetable. Apparently he wasn't. She drifted around her old haunts and watched the fleet come in, wondering what cards she could play to keep herself alive and Will safe. After an odd chat with Chad, who seemed wired to the gills on root beer and Red Bull, she decided to confront her grandson to find out what he knows. He didn't tell her anything and they had to rush over to the hospital to watch as Sami prepared to give the nod to end the days of Elvis.

Although she took a moment to wonder what Carly and Chloe were suddenly friends for and imagined them raising Satan's child, Viv spent most of her time anxiously awaiting the moment she could dump Maggie in the sarcophagus. Gus was less enthusiastic. Meanwhile, with the help of a steady supply of booze and the apparent lack of a razor, Brady was slowly trying to turn himself into a werewolf. This was especially useful since he discovered that Viv dug up his dearly departed mother and placed her remains in the local pet cemetery with Pookie. Apparently, falling off the wagon caused Brady's brain to come back to life after it died when he married Chloe. He yelled in Viv's face and dug up all the insults he's been saving for years so he could dump them on her. Viv briefly interrupted his torrent of badmouthing to bang him on the head with an urn. He quickly leaped up and dumped her in the sarcophagus where she screamed and yelped for Gus, who had already run away from her crazy plan regardless of what she promised to have done to his colon. Brady then went up to Viv's room to get pissed and taunt her via CCTV about her plans for a pornographic romp with Victor while Maggie watched. Viv's heart broke into a gelatinous lump resembling a candied apple hit by a train and melted in the sun.

All the while, Maggie turned up to tell Victor she wouldn't be leaving after all. Mel basically guilted her into staying. Mr. Mustache was happy to hear it anyway, though his mustache turned into a frown when she insisted that he doesn't have a shot with her. Across town, Ciara proved that she really is Victor's granddaughter by announcing that she hates everything. She then set up making frenemies with Carly, openly telling her that she was going to be as nice as humanly possible because Victor ordered her to act that way. Meanwhile, the most disturbing moment of the week was reserved for Salem's youngest doctor. Nathan revealed that he spends most of his spare time thinking about the sex experiments he'd like to conduct with the Olsen twins. This confession was brought on by working for two days straight (no wonder the medical care in Salem is so stellar).

And now for the moment you've been waiting for... the lines of the week. But first, the spoilers. If you don't want to have your week spoiled, please don't read ahead and enjoy your weekend. Vivian continues to go crazy and decompose in the sarcophagus while Brady plasters on a grin and can-do attitude that impresses Victor. Maggie has the mind to realize that something is seriously off and soon finds Viv's spare earring on the floor of the mausoleum. Meanwhile, Kayla comes back to town and notices that her daughter is screwier than usual. Daniel also enters into the fray of the town's most relentlessly painful storyline and tries to get Steph's pal Ian to back away from things. Mel is distracted from all of this by the baby shower. When it finally comes, Nicole is showering her throat with booze. She makes a scene and gets into a battle with Carly over who deserves the title of Chloe's best BFF. Since no one has ever wanted to be the diva's friend, the whole thing is hard to handle. And over at the hospital, EJ is twitching and breathing again as he prepares to utter his first Sami themed mumble.

Lines of the week:
Brady: Mummy got your tongue?

Brady: You're one big bowl of crazy.

Viv: If Gus were here he'd know what to do. I'll promise him front row tickets to a Cher concert.

Nathan: You heard me talking in my sleep. Your face is red. What did I say? Was I getting freaky with the Olsen Twins?

Gus: You can't buy me off with a high colonic.



September 10, 2010
Elvis was rushed into surgery where his raven locks were shorn away so that Carly and Daniel could take turns spooning the brain matter back into the hole Sami left in his head. Once they got the bleeding to stop, he was hooked up to machines and they stood around to see just how much slower his brain would work. While his brain was recalibrating, Stefano was stuck in the waiting room crying to anyone who would listen and wishing that he would have had Rolf make a backup of EJ's brain on a disc in case this ever happened. Stefano wept, rather than doing something productive like handing EJ his magical invincibility ring, but it's doubtful it can save you after you've been shot. Wave after wave of indecisive updates came to him from his daughter. Lexi wept. It didn't help the family that Rafael was hanging out and booming about how Elvis and his whole stinking rotten genetic pool should be wiped from the face of the earth. He's lucky Johnny wasn't there to hear him. Making things worse, Sami was given all legal control over EJ's future thanks to changes in his will before his brain was slowed down to the speed of a plot on "Passions." Everyone found this shocking, especially since being in love with Sami was already a sign that his brain function had slowed to the pace of a drunken tortoise on a lazy day in the arctic. Sami huffed and puffed and thought about what she did and what she could do. Looking at Rafe, she realized that she already had one man with diminished brain capacity, she couldn't really handle two. Making things infinitely worse, Will raced over after hearing the news and flat out confronted his mama about giving EJ a wedding night he'll never remember.

Ian, the most bored man in Salem, continued using his ample free time and lack of self-esteem to jump at Steph's every whim and help her track down who switched the paternity test results. It didn't take long to discover that the notorious Philly K. actually couldn't have been behind it. That made her assume it was Chloe, though that seemed almost impossible to comprehend. Nate walks in on them, weirded out by the fact that another man was interested in Steph, and by the eerie fact that every time he sees them together, they become harder to tell apart. Philip spent the week frowning and ranting at everyone, especially poor Vivian, who was being treated like dirt by her family. Still, she perked herself up by taking Gus for a test spin in her fancy new sarcophagus. Apparently Viv is so desperate to fit in with her family that she wants to keep their porn tradition alive. She told her underling all about how she was planning to seduce Victor in her room so that Maggie could watch them get it on while she was trapped in marble with nowhere else to look.

Babs wandered the streets and wandered the hospital. He looked and he looked for a suspect until all he could see was suspects but he couldn't for the life of him find any evidence. Instead, he decided to be persnickety with Stefano and try to ignore Sami's obvious guilt when it was staring him in the face. He stroked his beard and then tried to get Carly to stroke his ego. She was busy with other things like deciding which earrings to wear, what kind of jimjams to buy Chloe's spawn, whether the clam chowder at the pub was more fattening than the vinegar pie and digesting Chloe's confession that she tried to murder her. It turned out to be amazingly easy. Carly's a murderer herself so appreciating the desire in someone else is hardly hard to feel. The doctor had little problem forgiving her, Chloe ended up saving her life after putting it in danger after all. Between her time with Babs and her time with Chloe, Carly is proving that stupidity really does spread by osmosis. She immediately sped off to track down Viv and give her a tongue lashing about sending Chloe to knock her into a tumbling elevator to hell.

Anyway, my eyes hurt so it's time for the spoilers. If you don't want to know, please turn away now before things get worse. Next week, Vivian's plan hits another snag when Brady stumbles out of his drunken stupor and notices that she isn't planning to shove his mother's remains in the marble coffin she bought, but Maggie's living body. He calls her out on it, but will she have time to cover or will she be stuck in her own deathtrap? And speaking of deathtraps, Sami continues to linger around Salem General as she tries to decide whether to flip the switch off on EJ's newly ventilated body. Will agrees to keep her grisly secret and Rafe encourages her to just do it. Still, she better think fast because Ari vows that she will find out who forced Elvis to have such a radical makeover. If it wasn't for his faith in her, she might be sharing a cell with Hope right now. Unfortunately for Hope, the person she is sharing a cell with likes her even less than Ari does and gives her a beat down. And back on the outside, Victor continues to shoot Maggie longing glances and she keeps giving him the cold shoulder.

Lines of the week:
Philip: You must be the bionic woman the way you can hear things like that across the room.

Philip: You're worried about something. I don't know what it is, but I don't give a damn.

Vivian: She's so spunky. She just brightens a room when she enters.
Carly: And you brighten it when you leave.

Chloe: If you suggest therapy or sex rehab again I'll toss your ass into the river.

Ciara: I don't want to fish. I want my mommy.

Philip: You can't fix a marriage made in hell by moving dead bodies around.

Chloe: I sort of tried to kill you.

Carly: We both know you think of mausoleums the way normal people think of rec rooms.



 November 5, 2010
It was another tumultuous week in Salem full of shocking revelations, disease outbreaks, pumpkin picking, some worms and even a guest appearance by President Obama. Steph and Nate continued the post-proposal pre-marital sextravaganza on their purple sheets. But while they were cooing and cuddling sweet nothings, Kayla was busy choking on her mother's words. Taking a break from raising Sami's children, Caroline explained to her baffled daughter that she's the one who decided to play God with the paternity tests. Kay tried to chew on this but her jaw had fallen to the floor so fast that it was half broken. She forgot her lines so she just channeled what most of the viewers were saying. Things like: 'this is impossible,' 'this makes no sense,' 'you can't expect me to believe this,' 'why are you acting so out of character?' 'where's my martini?' 'is this a nightmare?' 'how stupid do you think I am?' and so on. Caroline plowed over all of that and did the only thing she could: repeat over and over again that she did it and it was all perfectly sensible just because she says it is (this used to be called Sami method but maybe she got it from Caroline). Kay was eventually walloped into submission by her mom's finger wagging. Besides, once Caroline had explained that Steph wouldn't shut up about her fears of losing Nathan, Kayla knew that only something insane could stop her daughter's paranoia. Because she couldn't keep the madness to herself, she tried to rope Babs in, and even made nice with Carly. In the end, she had to give in to her mother's protests and didn't reveal her latest antics. Caroline tried to keep everyone distracted by pouring them the latest batch of "Brady Black," the family stout ale brewed with the burnt coffee of the Salem PD, the hops that grow in the gutter outside the pub and a few secret ingredients which it's better you don't know about. But once three generations of Brady women were alone, Kayla resisted telling her daughter that her mom was responsible but did explain that the tests were actually switched. And then Kay got called back to Africa because Steve had come down with malaria at just the right moment. Kayla didn't have time to ask her mom if she'd sent a mosquito to bite him.

Over at the prison at its perch overlooking the pet cemetery, Hope continued to fret and dart her eyes around about the possibility that there was some sort of strange cover-up going on. She told Babs about it, although, since the entire conversation took place in code, he might not have known exactly what she was talking about. Hope also had a depressing visit from Maggie, fresh from a voyage to the pumpkin patch with Daniel, in which they tried not to talk about Victor so they could discuss something more cheerful like how Hope was missing her daughter growing up (she should probably be worrying that she's been hanging out with Grandma Caroline at the Salem Brew School for Juvenile Delinquents). When she went back to her filing duties, she was informed that there was an outbreak of TB at the prison. At least that was a break from the usual round of syphilis or the bubonic plague that's been at work at Salem High.

In the sarcophagus, Vivian started to tip over the edge into a different kind of madness than she's used to. Tormented by worms and then by a trip to purgatory to visit with Lawrence, she struggled to keep herself sane by making as many quips as possible. While the poison wasn't affecting her poisonous wit, everyone else seemed distracted by other things. Victor went into a tizzy thanks to Kate about the prospect of Philly discovering his birth mother was buried alive. As soon as they made a deal, Philly K. easily found Viv yacking it up with Brady. His first instinct was to save her, but after hearing her voice, he changed his mind and decided to let her rot. He strolled straight into the mansion, where Kate was busy mocking Nicole and telling her that Victor was now her bitch. Philip announced that they would let Viv die in there and they all toasted to it.

Viv wasn't the only one being visited by the dead though. Sami got a visit from the ghost of Arianna. Like all ghosts who come to Salem, she was in a bad mood and spent her time taunting Sami. Of course, Sami had other things to get her panties in a knot about. She caught Nicole trying to buy Kenzie into her service as the go-to to get her secret visits with Syd. Nicole should have known better than to try and recruit the town's most selfish and least loyal lady (which is saying something). Her plan quickly fizzled and she had to listen to more bad mouthing from the town's pinup girl for mediocre mothers. Meanwhile, Elvis had his spies scouring the town and following his enemies. He was determined to let them lead him to the evidence his heart desired. He showed up at the pub where everyone gathered for Ari's memorial. Everyone talked about what a tough cookie the town's latest street meat was. Elvis and Rafe were about to get into a brawn versus the brain damaged throw down when Justin stopped in to announce that he was Ari's lawyer and she left something behind in her special box of mystery and doom.

And now for the moment you've all been waiting... the spoilers. If you don't want to know, or if you think you'd be better off hoping than knowing which story you'll be trapped in, please leave now and enjoy your weekend. Next week, the sarcophagus story continues, only this time Maggie is stuck in the box and her threshold of sanity seems to be a great deal lower because she almost instantly starts to lose it. Carly starts to fear that she may be losing Babs, or that she never had quite enough of him to begin with, and his heart is still palpitating for Hope. Daniel goes into palpitations of his own when Chloe lurches into labor. Steph decides that before the baby drops would be the best time for her to drop the truth on him. Elvis decides that he's going to drop everything and return to his old plan of running off with the children. The pied piper of Salem isn't the only one giving Sami something to fight about. She and fellow blond Elvis ex, Nicole, get into a battle of brawn as they pound each other over Syd.

Lines of the week:
Viv: The poor boy has always been a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Kate: That's why Victor is my bitch.

Victor: Does Nicole want a drink? Does Dracula want blood?

Victor: Like most contracts, marriage has an escape clause: 'til death do us part.

Viv: I gave you life. Return the damn favor!

Caroline: Sometimes I do things that aren't warm and fuzzy.


Kayla: Maybe the judge will take pity on her because of her age.
Caroline: Stuff it! I'm not that old.



October 29, 2010
It was another sad week in Salem, in spite of Chloe being out of town. Since she and Daniel were off cavorting in the imaginary world beyond, the medical staff of Salem General was left on their own to sort out the carnage that came through their swinging doors and creaking elevators. As most of the town prepared to put on ghoulish masks, some citizens just acted plain ghoulish or wore long faces.

Rafe was suffering hallucinations from licking Sami's back the other day. No one warned him that she was Salem's answer to the infamous psychoactive toad. After all, that's the only thing that could explain the anecdote he decided to tell Ari on her hospital deathbed. Even a viewer who didn't like the doe eyed Arianna could hardly stop from crying when they had to witness some of the last words that she would ever hear on this earth. Her brother gave her corny anecdotes about how she saved an alley cat. She turned and wretched. The fact that Sami stuck her head in afterwards was enough to do her in. And as Ari bit the dust with EJ pacing outside her door, somewhere her bloated tom cat was croaking and waiting for her. As soon as her eyes were closed, her organs were harvested. Rafe told Gabi that their sister's heart could now fall in love again. The poor little girl receiving the heart realized that she wouldn't just be having her life saved, she might also have to be SORASed so the heart could continue its love affair with EJ whether she wanted it to or not.

Elvis spent most of the week more miserable than ever. Not only was he still adjusting to having his brain dislodged, he had to sit back and watch the one and only friend he's ever had die. His heart broke to lose his bessie mate, the kind he had always longed for since he was a wee one. That's why the chumless EJ chose to come to Salem. He was under the impression that it was America's chum capital but it's actually the capital for chumps. Forced to sit in the waiting room of doom, he did his best to entertain himself by threatening Will, groping his neck and bellowing in his face just like he used to do when he lived across the hall. Will didn't kick him in the groin and call him a 'perv' this time, he just ran to his mom. Lexi finally gave her bro the heave ho and he went home to mope to Stefano. Sami spent the minimal amount of time comforting Rafe, but she didn't seem willing to hang around for the tears to actually come out of his emotionally haggard face. She ran off to search for the elusive video and tore Ari's room apart. Elvis jumped her and then they started wrestling. EJamis everywhere jumped up and stuck their eyeballs against the screen as the couple tussled on the dead woman's bed. In slow motion it almost looked as if they were groping each other, but in reality she heaved her cleavage in his face and then ran off with whatever she could get, which turned out not to be much of anything.

Nicole dropped by Maggie's and encouraged her to give Victor a shot. He's always been a miserable bastard, but now he's a miserable and lonely one. Nic played the grief card and that made the redhead decide that walking away from a man in mourning was the wrong thing to do. She rushed over to hold his hand. Viv watched on the sarcophacam and darn near puked. Meanwhile, still convinced that Kate wants to jump his bones, or at least fondle his well-lubricated hair, Chad randomly showed up at Casa DiMera. He had a conversation with Kate and Stefano that seemed so pointless that it could only be the beginning of another Days Of Our Lives plotline. Kate had other fish to fry though. After accidentally overhearing Brady telling the dying Ari all about what he'd done to Viv, she rushed over to the Kiriakis compound to sniff around. It wasn't long before she discovered that Viv hadn't run off, she was just trapped in a pimped out coffin with really good lighting. For a split second Kate contemplated letting her go free, but then remembered that she hated her. Victor swanned in on their bartering and offered to pay Kate a small fortune to keep her mouth shut about this. She got giddy, made all sorts of veiled references to his testicles, and then they went off for a brandy, leaving Viv to keep moaning in the mausoleum.

The Salem pumpkin patch was raided by children and their parents, leaving a long trail of orange squash guts and manure around the town which was rapidly set upon by rabid gangs of raccoons. At least such local madness is the only thing that could explain why Nicole was dressed like Blossom most of the week. As she looked for a hat to finish off her outfit, and maybe fill in for a scarecrow since she doesn't show up for her regular job anymore, she ran into Kenzie and Syd -- not just once, but twice. The second time, they got to ride on the slide until Caroline showed up and decided to rip her a new one. Syd and Kenzie ran off and Caroline did more finger wagging than a Walmart full of angry grandmothers. She had other problems too. It seemed like the whole Brady family was going to hell in a hand basket. Hope continued to worry that there was a cover-up in the prison. Babs continued to make faces and Stephanie finally got what she's been looking for all along: Nate proposed to her on their day off. He decided he had to do it while her mom was still in town, but it still took him longer to utter his proposal than most weddings last. At the time, Kayla was busy getting screeched at by Carly before she plodded over to the pub to tell her mum that she had to ruin Babs' life. Caroline stopped her short to explain that ruining his life will have to be left to someone else because Carly didn't actually change the paternity test results.

You know what's coming next... it's the spoilers. So run away now if you'd rather not have your innocent mind warped by what's in store. Kayla will ask Caroline the obvious question and get the most absurd answer imaginable. It turns out that the town's pint pulling matriarch changed the test results (when she wasn't busy babysitting Sami's children, running a pub and giving advice to her inept offspring). Kayla quickly relates this chestnut to Steph. While Steph's head is exploding, Kate is trying to be a good mother-in-law by telling Mel that she should stay away from her nasty stepmom Chloe. As Viv hallucinates in the sarcophagus, half the town gathers together to bid farewell to Ari, the woman they barely knew and whose significance can now be inflated to saintliness. While her friends and family continue to dig for the evidence she left behind, Nicole plans for a way to bring baby Syd back into her life again.

Lines of the week:
Kate: With the outfit you're wearing, I'd avoid the word 'tasteless'.

Nicole: Why don't you just go or die or something?

Viv: Who thought it would be so boring sitting in a coffin and waiting for poisonous fumes to make you go mad?

EJ: He's certainly not Melba toast like his mother.

Bo: Incompetence is not a crime.

Chloe: (of Mel) She's worse than annoying: she's dangerous.


October 22, 2010
Ciara was feeling bad and wanted to see her mom. Babs, terrified of what an angry little girl is capable of, agreed to take her to the big house to see Hope. The mother and daughter were reunited and talked about their not-so-different playgrounds. Hope was distracted by thoughts of April, not the month when she'll be released, but the girl who mysteriously died. Little does she know that her organs were harvested and turned into the super potency formula that EJ uses to get sterile women pregnant. Meanwhile, the warden and the infirmary's resident butch blond restrained themselves from re-enacting scenes from "The Women of Block D" to cast paranoid glances at the equally paranoid Hope. Paranoid glances ruled the world outside the prison too. Thanks to what appeared to be a windshield flyer advertising Daniel and Chloe's wedding, Sister Anne discovered that Carly had been trying to pull her habit over her head. The nun was not amused and told her so. While she contemplated what kind of punishment to recommend to the almighty, Kayla eavesdropped from the local bushes and guessed that her daughter might be on to something after all.

Out of the hospital, Elvis decided to fry what was left of his brain by using his cell to play phone tag with Arianna all week. She'd left him with an incomplete sentence, which is disturbingly rare in a world where sentences aren't only completed, they're repeated at least half a dozen times before they actually start to register. Ari ran around town like a confused chicken in a KFC on a cocktail of hormone and PCP. She ran to her brother's to confront him with what she discovered about the EJ brain spattering. He tried to convince her to lie. That hurt her feelings. She ran away. He ran after and once again tried to convince her to lie. That hurt her feelings even more. Her brother did his best to browbeat her with his hard head but that didn't work. Sami called her over and admitted everything. She didn't try to convince her to lie, just to keep her mouth shut, something the blond one has heard a lot about if never done herself. She did what any bad criminal does and gave a complete and detailed confession of the entire fiasco to the person who wanted to take her down. Ari did what everyone does these days and recorded the whole thing. It seems that the people in Salem have finally been catching up with modern technology. Not only can you eavesdrop on people, you can easily collect evidence on them. Since it's not like the cops actually do their jobs, I guess it's a good thing that everyone from Nicole to Arianna can now do it for them for free. Since unemployed Rafe was now flouting the law, Ari took it upon herself to be a goody-two shoes. Sami was having none of it though and tried to pound the woman half her size into the floorboards. Luckily Ari was used to wrestling off big women from her time in the joint. The ho-down throw-down left most of the living room trashed and even the dogs in Rafe's favorite painting were averting their eyes from the hideous spectacle. Ari ran off. Will ran into her and tried to talk her out of talking but she ran off and straight into traffic. She was run down in front of the pub, either by a drunk driver or the 'meat' delivery van, which then sped off. (I almost forgot that people have cars in Salem. I just assumed they had canals to help them get around, but apparently they still need them for the occasional hit and run.) Once she was scraped up, she was rushed to the hospital where they tried to keep her all in one piece. As Rafe and Gabi sobbed about their sister, Sami wondered how she could steal her purse and get back the incriminating evidence.

Victor wandered into the mausoleum to say some prayers for his dearly departed daughter. He was rather shocked to hear Vivian's voice echoing from a sound device. Viv had already begun to succumb to tomb madness, not that it made much different to mean Mr. Mustache. She told him her version of the sordid story of her sarcophagus entrapment. Poor Gus was nowhere to be seen after being knocked on the noggin and dragged away last week without the slightest explanation. Victor ruminated about whether he should leave her in there to die. He went to the mansion to think it over. Brady had just arrived, fresh from telling Nicole that they were never going to have children whether they were from her womb, a petri dish, an orphanage, a stork, the Christian Children's Fund, found in a basket on the front door or in the squirrel's nest in a Christmas tree. This made her pout, a pout that was extended when she bumped into Syd and Caroline roared at her to get lost. Anyway, Victor ran into Brady, who promptly confessed to everything. Victor was impressed. He even told Nicole how impressed he was when she showed up. Brady was having a change of heart though and the worm really started to turn and twist him when his mom's ghost spontaneously appeared to tell him that he'd been a naughty boy. He couldn't handle her saintly finger wagging and vowed that he would get Grannie Viv released, which Nicole pointed out would be hard now that Victor knew where she was and what she had done to his beloved Isabella.

Anyway, now the spoilers. If you don't know what those are, believe me, you don't want to know, so go off and have a pleasant weekend kicking around some foliage, harvesting some pumpkins, swapping spit and babies and whatever else people do when they aren't watching Days. Next week, Kate decides that since she and her husband barely seem to communicate, she'll do some communicating with her ex-spouse. They chat about Vivian and how to solve the problem of keeping her in, or letting her out of, the box she's in. Vivian is scheming too... and with Nicole. It's not long before the perpetually unlucky Nicole thinks that she has a shot being part of Syd's life again. Brady's busy beating himself up about going evil and unshaven. He moans to Bill the barber about how he left Ari to the lunacy that was sure to engulf her in Salem. Rafe and EJ continue to bicker and brawl over Ari and the fallout from her proof. And Gabi catches Will doing something that he shouldn't be doing.

Lines of the week:
Ciara: (to Hope) Do you have a bully too?

Carly: I have to go home to my sweet man Bo.

Caroline: (to Nicole) I have to get her inside. She'll get some kind of disease out here.

EJ: What a little bugger.

Ari: You shot a defenseless man in the head. You lied to my brother. You made your teenage son lie for you. You're some piece of work lady.

Viv: I'm never going to bury anyone alive again. It never works out the way you think it will.

Mel: Every place is crazy but here.



October 15, 2010

The wedding that looked like it would never come finally did, although it may not have been the most satisfying event for anyone. Weddings are always a frazzled time in Salem. So many people in the hospital from chowder related illnesses or gunshots; so many people worrying about news of their libidinal drifting getting out in the open; so many fights suddenly seem as pointless as they are (and have been for months); so many unborn babies sending telegrams to their mothers to get the deal signed so they won't be born bastards.

But we begin this week outside of the slums of Salem in the cozy confines of the local penitentiary. Hope continued her battle to keep hope alive and give hope to her fellow inmates. Her infirmary co-worker Lee was keeping her eyes all over her as Hope tried to help April through her bout of appendicitis. She was finally whisked off to the real Salem hospital, a move that was sure to spell her doom. Meanwhile, Hope had to sit down for a face to face with Babs about their daughter. Ciara had been bullied and Theo had to beat up her bully for her. He wanted to kick his cops out of the coffee room and raid the kid's house but Abe held him back. Hope gave him some parenting advice involving cross-dressing. Babs blushed and said he never would have thought of that.

Back in town, Babs' ladyfriend was stuck in the teary eyed mess of miserable motherhood. After she did a little more bonding with Daniel and gave him a gift, she went to the hospital where her daughter soon popped up to rail at her for helping to keep Chloe's secret. The diva had just confessed to her old boyfriend's wife that she had cheated on her father.. and Carly helped to cover it up. Once Mel was finished beating up on the pregnant woman, she decided it was her mom's turn and tore her up. All Carly could do was say it was best for the baby and tell her daughter to grow up and get used to being as stupid as all of the other adults in town. Mel wasn't exactly thrilled with the answer, after all, she knows plenty about what babies want. She stormed over to see her father to tell him what she knew. He was soon distracted when Henderson suffered a tea related injury and had to be rushed to the hospital.

The pet cemetery had been transformed into a magical garden of love and other plights. Victor had dragged Maggie over to help him hold his tongue. Brady and Nicole were there to help each other stand up with their hangovers. And some completely random people, who had shown up to lay wreathes on the graves of their parakeets, were pulled in from the grounds to make it look like the bride and groom actually have friends. Oh, and Philip was there with his hair slicked back trying to think of a way to make sure that who he screwed wouldn't screw up his life. As Daniel arrived to start the service, Mel showed up and demanded to speak to the bride alone. They had words and Mel wimped out and decided to follow her mom's advice and be a grown-up skeez like her parents never raised her to be. The doctor and the diva were pronounced man and wife. Since there was no rice, the guests just pelted them with the dirt from the orangutan's grave. Mel went home and pouted. Her mom followed her and had to take another tongue lashing. The bride and groom, meanwhile, went to Chicago to start their married life. Chloe wore bright green and babbled while Daniel stared at his feet and drank.

Elvis' hair had grown back so fast that the doctors decided to let him out early. Sami and Rafe decided it was high time to end the marriage charade and she informed Elvis that they weren't married. He didn't seem very surprised. He mumbled threats while she and Rafe went off together. He decided it was high time that he know the truth so he quit his job so there wouldn't be a conflict of interest. How will they afford their converted locker room with no paycheck between them? I don't think Will's internship pays that much. Anyway, she was impressed and told him that she shot EJ. He offered to protect her. She was so moved she gave him back his painting of dogs playing poker as a sign of her undying love. Meanwhile, his sister had managed to spontaneously be in the right place at the right time to overhear Sami tell Will about shooting EJ. Her eyes nearly blew out of her head. She ran around town like a decapitated chicken until she showed up at Casa DiMera. EJ was rubbing his head like it would give him good luck but she was so panicked that she couldn't tell him what she discovered.

There's was a lot of making out this week, but Viv finally got the love of her life back. Manservant Gus rushed back to town to rescue his madame. Before he could, he was beaned on the noggin. Who did it? Find out next week. And speaking of next week, here come the spoilers. You know the drill: if you don't want to know, leave now and forever hold your peace. Otherwise... Ari gets plowed down next week before she can tell EJ what she knows. Since the surgery doesn't kill her right away, she might manage to get something out of her before someone dumps her in one of the town's spare graves. This gory experience comes soon on the heels of Sami trying to talk Ari out of blabbing and EJ sending Babs after Samanther. Meanwhile, Brady has visions of the dead. His mother visits him, which makes sense considering how much they've been disturbing her grave lately. His brief breakdown comes after his grandfather confronts him over the messy situation with Vivian that he just stumbled upon. And Kayla keeps stumbling on things she shouldn't know. She winds up finding out how Carly has been deceiving nuns, among others, and that could prove to be bad news for someone.

Lines of the week:
Daniel: (to Victor) You also promised to renounce the devil. I can't believe you haven't been struck by lightning.

Mel: (to Chloe) That's pretty. He gave you that. What did you give him? Herpes?

Mel: (to Chloe) You can't think that I will forgive you because you're not that dumb.

Carly: (to Mel) The only person who is outraged by Chloe's stupidity is you.

Sami: How EJ of you EJ.

Stefano: (to EJ) So you did suffer brain damage! This proves it!

Maggie (to Victor) That mind of yours must have a lot of pieces. You give them out so liberally.

Viv: There's nothing creepy in here but me.

Chloe: I don't know if I'm about to be married or be destroyed.


October 8, 2010
Most of this week in town was spent away from the vegetable patch better known as Salem General and in the various nooks and crannies of its immoral mansions and mausoleums. Brady and Nicole lounged in bed. They spent all of their time off-screen having sex, but when they were on, all she could do was talk about how he kept saying Viv's name in his sleep. That was kind of a turn-off for her, but nothing a mimosa couldn't fix. He was slightly more disturbed by his nightmare featuring a threesome between him, the blond and a gasping Viv. As horrifying as this was, the news that Brady was moving into Viv's room with Nicole in tow nearly made Victor's mustache twirl off his face. Brady tried to keep him calm by telling him that he was just using the boozy blond for his own nefarious purposes. Although that sounded like a reasonable plan, Victor still didn't like it and worried to Maggs about it.

But the shock of the week was my poor Gus, who, apparently, isn't the most stereotypical gay character in the history of Daytime but actually the least stereotypical straight one. Viv managed to call to him over the sarcopha-walkie-talkie, something which had never occurred to her in all of the days that she's spent in there. He was busy with a woman. She was weirded out by the shrine to Viv he had by his motel bed (I guess she was fine with his obsession with colon hygiene and Joan Collins). Shrine or not, he told his madam that he would not come to her rescue because she was getting what she deserved. That broke her heart.

Kayla continued to settle into town and wondered what happened to her daughter to make her turn into such an insecure wimp. She used to be a race car driver, but now the only thing she can race to do is save her relationship with a man who has less going on than a battery charger. Steph didn't have any answers to her mom's interrobangs. She just moved her hair around to try and trigger reflexes in her brain. Nate spent most of the week stuttering. First, he stuttered and mumbled to Daniel about how Chloe was no good. That didn't sit well with Dr. Dan so Nate backtracked and tried to talk his way out of it. Daniel is used to constantly dealing with stupidity so he managed to take this without much thought and drifted off. Nate then spouted to Steph about Chloe's mommy-daddy dance with whichever dude is not her fiancé. Mel just happened to be nearby to overhear this and her head nearly caved in. She stalked Nate home and then exploded at him. He tried to stutter through an excuse. She was so pissed she accidentally admitted how much she really cared about him and then ran off.

Chloe did her best to breathe all week. That's probably hard when you have a giant balloon strapped to your abdomen. Daniel practiced his baby talk on her bump before rushing off to run errands. She breathed a sigh of relief that her episode of bumping uglies with Philip will soon be a thing of the past. Or it would be if she didn't keep talking about it. Philip even dropped by to talk about how they don't have to talk about it anymore. She also breathed a sigh of relief when Father Matt agreed to baptize her spawn, regardless of who the daddy is and whether or not she's told them the truth. After all, in a town like Salem, a baby needs all the protection it can get. It looks like the baby could be born into a conflict zone though. Mel pounded her way through Chloe's door and then pounded on her face. Chloe worried that she'd messed up her hair but the slap only added highlights to her rouge. Chloe tried to play stupid but she does the real thing so well that Mel wasn't buying it. She dredged the truth out of her. While the diva didn't admit that she did her harlot's hokey-pokey with Philly, she did admit that Carly was involved in covering up her shame.

It wasn't a Sami free week though. She stood around trying to do her best to act like it was impossible for her to lie with a straight face. Although she told Lexi that pretending she's married to Elvis makes her want to hurl, she stuck to it and he kept on playing her, ratcheting up the pity points so she wouldn't think he was on to her. Then he recruited Ari to do some digging for him and find out who really perforated his brain pan. Unfortunately for Will, he was the first person she set her sights on.

Anyway, now on to the spoilers. If you don't want to know, please leave now and enjoy your weekend. Wedding bells jingle jangle next week as people gather in what looks suspiciously like the pet cemetery for Daniel and Chloe nuptials. Mel stops by her mom's to harangue her for her part in the Chloe chaos. Philip gets sucked further into the mess and tries to keep his wife quiet but maybe not hard enough. Victor almost gets kicked out of the wedding party while Gus rushes off to save Vivian. While he's getting knocked out during the rescue attempt, Sami continues having panic attacks about telling the truth and Ari proves she's a better detective than her brother as she gets one step closer to uncovering everything.

Lines of the week:
Victor: Bonded? Over what? Booze?

Steph: You just broadcast everything on the mom channel.

Viv: It's worse than an Edgar Allan Poe story.

Philip: After all this crazy wacko hell we're still friends.

Chloe: Even weirder: we're going to be family.

Mel: Stephanie, as big of a bitch as you usually are, you still deserve better than someone with no spine.


October 1, 2010
This week, Sami decided that she couldn't live with lies. Unfortunately for everyone else, her diagnosis was wrong and she can live with plenty of them, as long as they suit her. Telling EJ that they are still fork and knife was apparently way too much of a lie though. He's been using the time since he crawled out of the vegetable patch to practice how quickly he can leap from one emotion to another. Elvis explained to Gianni that having part of his brain excised by a bullet was just a boo-boo. After all, in their family, you take the time to back your brain up on a disc in case of accidents or murder attempts. When he got his father alone, EJ told him that he remembers that he never married Samanther, but needs to keep her in the dark so he can get the upper hand. Stefano explained how his crack forensics team already put the pieces together and it was clearly Sami who pulled the trigger. Meanwhile, Rafe decided to cheer Sami up by showing her their new apartment, which resembled a renovated version of the Salem Y. They made out and talked about how she didn't want to talk about what she didn't want to talk about.

Brady was back on the sauce as he drifted down to Salem's little seen pet cemetery. He demanded that the remains of his prized orangutan be handed over to him for re-burial. This bothered the cemetery director to no end and confused the crap out of Nicole, who just happened to be standing a few feet away visiting the grave of her beloved Pookie. Earlier that day, Chloe had dumped their friendship and Nicole realized that the only creature who ever cared for her was her little dog. She couldn't understand why Brady never bonded with her over his apparent love for hairy animals. The blond rushed to the mansion to search for him so they could talk about monkeys over booze, but he was nowhere to be found until Henderson tipped her off that he could be in the mausoleum. She went out and found his bluetooth sitting around. Since Nicole is apparently used to shoving random objects into her orifices, she stuck it in her ear and could hear Viv squirming and squealing for help. Nicole assumed that Victor must be behind this. When Brady came in, she confronted him about it and then suggested that Victor must have pushed him to do it. He said no way Jose; she was the one to push him over the edge of crazy (in Salem, it's called 'normal'). She tried to rationalize but he appealed to her baser instincts and they started making out before giving Viv a private porn show on her sarcophascreen.

Kayla's return continued to cause Stephanie to weep. Almost everything her mother said had her on the verge of tears. After Steph fessed up to her involvement in the whole paternity mess, Kayla explained that there could have just been a screw up by the hospital orderlies. It's not like the hospital staff in town are known for their great competency so someone could have just been fixing a staff boo-boo. Steph liked that idea, but her mom said they would have to prove it for real-real. Meanwhile, Philly K. may or may not have knocked up the supposedly barren diva, but he's not having much luck knocking up Mel even though all they do is have sex. They took a break to look at real estate on his phone and she decided they should just move in next door. Unfortunately, Victor snatched that house away from them. Papa Vic has been buying every house they put a bid on so that they couldn't move out of Maggie's. He still needs an excuse to run into the redhead. They figured this out and decided to get his goat by moving back into the mansion. Victor grumbled away. Maggs seemed almost disappointed.

And now, onto the spoilers. If you do not wish to have the glory of watching the show's plots unfold with all of the speed, though none of the subtlety, of paint drying, please look away now and enjoy your weekend. Next week, Brady decides to move Nicole into Vivian's room in a move which is sure to cause consternation as well as nausea for Victor. He might do better to worry about what his wife is up to and the fact that she finally got a hold of Gus. Meanwhile, all hell breaks loose for Victor's god son. Daniel walks in on his daughter bitch slapping his fiancée after she discovers that she was playing pelvic party games with someone. Chloe wastes no time pointing out that Carly was in on the cover up of her naked nastiness. But it isn't all crappy relationship news. Justin and Adrienne decide to try again after he explains to Babs that Hope signed the divorce papers. And Rafe looks for a way to protect Will while his sister digs for who shot EJ.

Lines of the week:

Mel: Is this a mother daughter thing? Can you read my mind?

Sami: It's like a nightmare. It won't stop. Every time I pretend I'm married to him it's like I'm betraying you.

Daniel: (to Nate) You mean the affair I had with Chloe when she was married to Lucas? I'm not proud of what we did, but she and Lucas were just wrong for each other.

Victor: Oh yeah, we have several orangutans and a couple of wombats too.

Nicole: Victor is a sick son of a bitch.

Victor: Well Nicole, I suppose that makes you my mother.

Victor: (to Brady) You're having a romantic assignation in a mausoleum with a woman who gets loaded and talks about monkeys?

Maggie: That's really expensive stalking.



September 24, 2010
The week began with jubilation for some and jitters for others. The DiMera clan gathered in the hospital to watch Sami take Elvis off of life support. As soon as his brain should have died, he started breathing and mumbling again. Stefano was thrilled but everyone else was baffled. While EJ continued to veg in his coma, Sami seemed to be waking up to the fact that killing off EJ to protect her kids might have actually put them in even more danger. Rafe took young William outside to question him by the bulrushes. Will challenged him to arrest him if was really suspicious. Rafe stood around until Will got bored and left. He then turned to Sami, who was desperately worried about the son she neglects until her concern can only be annoying. To save him, she confessed. Rafe didn't notice. She tried again. It still didn't work. He proved that he can not only sleep like a log, he can listen like one too. She tried once more and then he had to swan off. Sami was left sure that she might have to do this until the cows come home or the dogs in Rafe's favorite painting tip him off that his girlfriend is guilty. Meanwhile, Stefano fumed and assumed that Will must have been the one to try and off his only (known) son. Kate contemplated killing her new husband before he could overreact too much. He had his DNA team dig for evidence and it turned out that Will couldn't have been the shooter... but Sami could have been. (It's not like the Salem PD actually put an effort into investigating the shooting or anything.) While Elvis kept beeping, Stefano kept pleading with him to wake up so he could be daddy number 2 to EJ's kids. Whenever he left, someone else came in to keep the vegetable company. Will popped in to tell him just to roll over and die, but Ari spent all of her spare (unemployed) time massaging EJ to see if he would beep for her. These kinky interludes led to him mumbling Sami's name. Not exactly what a girl wants to hear.

Over at the Kiriakis compound, things were merrier than Santa Claus on a bender in Iceland. Victor instantly bought into Brady's cheap ruse that Viv ran away to the land of nod because she realized that he was made for Maggie. Viv watched from the sarcophagus and gagged in disbelief. Everyone Victor told about it had a hard time believing it at first too. But they didn't take too much convincing. Isabella's memorial ended up turning into a party, much to Viv's disgust. Brady was enjoying torturing her son much that he didn't even need a drink and his facial hair began manscaping itself. He went to the Cheatin' Heart and ran into Nicole. She was busy feeling sorry for herself. They got into a competition about who was more worthless but he didn't care who won because he couldn't trust her no matter what. He stormed off and she continued to get bladdered before returning to Chloe's baby bash. She instantly launched a tirade at everyone and was ordered out. She nearly blurted out the diva's secret first, which led to Carly and Chloe covering things up before Mel could piece them together. This spelled the end of Salem's longest lasting female BFFs. Their tear ducts got so fat they could have been pregnant too.

Ian wiped out on his motorcycle and wound up having his computer hacking arm stitched back together by Dr. Dan. Ian was moon eyed and babbled about what a super terrific piece of womanhood that Stephanie Johnston is. Daniel advised him to leave her and Nate alone. Ian managed to get a look at Daniel's PDA and figured out that he couldn't have been the one to switch the results either. For his part, Nate was skulking around after running out of his place. He was trying to give Steph a special delivery of his own when Kayla walked in with pizza. Steph wasn't happy to have her mom travel halfway across the world to check up on her so she did the logical thing and asked her to move in.

In the joint, the bookmobile stopped by Hope's cell to distract her from her new life with the bitch-hoz. When she reached over to pick up her copy of "Band Fags," the prison librarian wrestled her into a headlock and then her bunkmate pounded on her like she was a piece of meat. After her pummeled body was wheeled off for medical attention, the warden left her ivory tower to go down to the sewers of Salem and stop in at the pub where she informed Babs. He fumed. She made faces and left.

And now for the spoilers. You all know the drill. If you don't want to be spoiled, turn away now. Next week, the bullet that went in EJ's brain seems to have dislodged his memory, but not everyone's buying it, certainly not Rafe. He warns Sami to watch out and then shows her their new home. Meanwhile, EJ tells his father that he remembers everything. Brady hangs out at the pet cemetery and acts suspicious so Nicole decides to dig into what he's been up to. Philip figures out that his father keeps dropping by to see him so he can really see Maggie and decides it's time for him to move back to the mansion. And Kate tries a little too hard to be friendly to Chad.

Lines of the week:

Nicole: Oh, look, the villainess who is sleeping with a married man is trying to tell me how to behave.

Ian: You seem like a good guy. Too bad your girlfriend is having another dude's baby.

Sami: Everything is happening.

Carly: You got Chloe out of the hole she dug for her this time. But be careful. Be very careful. I don't know what you know and I don't want to know, but this situation affects a lot of people.
Nicole: This isn't be nice. This is a threat.
Carly: Totally.

Sami: I know Rafe wants to help me. But he's not that kinda guy to accept I shot EJ.

Viv: The two of you make me want to hurl.

Maggie: I was looking forward to throwing you a first anniversary party. I had it all planned, I was going to have it on the lawn, complete with yard gnomes and a cement gecko.


September 17, 2010
Elvis continued to vegetate. Each beep he made seemed to drive Sami slightly more mad with mixed feelings about the mentally diminished man she nearly married. EJ ruminated in his coma and thought, "Is Sami so stupid that she really thinks I'm a vegetable and has to water me with her tears? At least when I shot something in her I got a baby out of it, but all I'm getting is the leftover music from a Dr. Who episode and the occasional punch in the gut or pin in my arm." Rafe stood around doing his best impression of a wall to lean on. Once and awhile, he'd look at her and gently encourage her to think twice about pulling the plug. That plan was complicated since it turned out that young William knows all about her little rampage. Again, he agreed to protect his mom from being punished for her heinous crimes. This left poor Will feeling uncomfortable and weird all week, something which made the town's crack G-Man, Rafael, suspect that Sami's spawn must have been the one to try and off EJ.

Kate kept feeling her pulse all week to make sure she was still alive. Doing her best to avoid a distraught Stefano, she snuck over to the hospital to stick pins in Elvis to see if he was faking being a vegetable. Apparently he wasn't. She drifted around her old haunts and watched the fleet come in, wondering what cards she could play to keep herself alive and Will safe. After an odd chat with Chad, who seemed wired to the gills on root beer and Red Bull, she decided to confront her grandson to find out what he knows. He didn't tell her anything and they had to rush over to the hospital to watch as Sami prepared to give the nod to end the days of Elvis.

Although she took a moment to wonder what Carly and Chloe were suddenly friends for and imagined them raising Satan's child, Viv spent most of her time anxiously awaiting the moment she could dump Maggie in the sarcophagus. Gus was less enthusiastic. Meanwhile, with the help of a steady supply of booze and the apparent lack of a razor, Brady was slowly trying to turn himself into a werewolf. This was especially useful since he discovered that Viv dug up his dearly departed mother and placed her remains in the local pet cemetery with Pookie. Apparently, falling off the wagon caused Brady's brain to come back to life after it died when he married Chloe. He yelled in Viv's face and dug up all the insults he's been saving for years so he could dump them on her. Viv briefly interrupted his torrent of badmouthing to bang him on the head with an urn. He quickly leaped up and dumped her in the sarcophagus where she screamed and yelped for Gus, who had already run away from her crazy plan regardless of what she promised to have done to his colon. Brady then went up to Viv's room to get pissed and taunt her via CCTV about her plans for a pornographic romp with Victor while Maggie watched. Viv's heart broke into a gelatinous lump resembling a candied apple hit by a train and melted in the sun.

All the while, Maggie turned up to tell Victor she wouldn't be leaving after all. Mel basically guilted her into staying. Mr. Mustache was happy to hear it anyway, though his mustache turned into a frown when she insisted that he doesn't have a shot with her. Across town, Ciara proved that she really is Victor's granddaughter by announcing that she hates everything. She then set up making frenemies with Carly, openly telling her that she was going to be as nice as humanly possible because Victor ordered her to act that way. Meanwhile, the most disturbing moment of the week was reserved for Salem's youngest doctor. Nathan revealed that he spends most of his spare time thinking about the sex experiments he'd like to conduct with the Olsen twins. This confession was brought on by working for two days straight (no wonder the medical care in Salem is so stellar).

And now for the moment you've been waiting for... the lines of the week. But first, the spoilers. If you don't want to have your week spoiled, please don't read ahead and enjoy your weekend. Vivian continues to go crazy and decompose in the sarcophagus while Brady plasters on a grin and can-do attitude that impresses Victor. Maggie has the mind to realize that something is seriously off and soon finds Viv's spare earring on the floor of the mausoleum. Meanwhile, Kayla comes back to town and notices that her daughter is screwier than usual. Daniel also enters into the fray of the town's most relentlessly painful storyline and tries to get Steph's pal Ian to back away from things. Mel is distracted from all of this by the baby shower. When it finally comes, Nicole is showering her throat with booze. She makes a scene and gets into a battle with Carly over who deserves the title of Chloe's best BFF. Since no one has ever wanted to be the diva's friend, the whole thing is hard to handle. And over at the hospital, EJ is twitching and breathing again as he prepares to utter his first Sami themed mumble.

Lines of the week:
Brady: Mummy got your tongue?

Brady: You're one big bowl of crazy.

Viv: If Gus were here he'd know what to do. I'll promise him front row tickets to a Cher concert.

Nathan: You heard me talking in my sleep. Your face is red. What did I say? Was I getting freaky with the Olsen Twins?

Gus: You can't buy me off with a high colonic.



September 10, 2010
Elvis was rushed into surgery where his raven locks were shorn away so that Carly and Daniel could take turns spooning the brain matter back into the hole Sami left in his head. Once they got the bleeding to stop, he was hooked up to machines and they stood around to see just how much slower his brain would work. While his brain was recalibrating, Stefano was stuck in the waiting room crying to anyone who would listen and wishing that he would have had Rolf make a backup of EJ's brain on a disc in case this ever happened. Stefano wept, rather than doing something productive like handing EJ his magical invincibility ring, but it's doubtful it can save you after you've been shot. Wave after wave of indecisive updates came to him from his daughter. Lexi wept. It didn't help the family that Rafael was hanging out and booming about how Elvis and his whole stinking rotten genetic pool should be wiped from the face of the earth. He's lucky Johnny wasn't there to hear him. Making things worse, Sami was given all legal control over EJ's future thanks to changes in his will before his brain was slowed down to the speed of a plot on "Passions." Everyone found this shocking, especially since being in love with Sami was already a sign that his brain function had slowed to the pace of a drunken tortoise on a lazy day in the arctic. Sami huffed and puffed and thought about what she did and what she could do. Looking at Rafe, she realized that she already had one man with diminished brain capacity, she couldn't really handle two. Making things infinitely worse, Will raced over after hearing the news and flat out confronted his mama about giving EJ a wedding night he'll never remember.

Ian, the most bored man in Salem, continued using his ample free time and lack of self-esteem to jump at Steph's every whim and help her track down who switched the paternity test results. It didn't take long to discover that the notorious Philly K. actually couldn't have been behind it. That made her assume it was Chloe, though that seemed almost impossible to comprehend. Nate walks in on them, weirded out by the fact that another man was interested in Steph, and by the eerie fact that every time he sees them together, they become harder to tell apart. Philip spent the week frowning and ranting at everyone, especially poor Vivian, who was being treated like dirt by her family. Still, she perked herself up by taking Gus for a test spin in her fancy new sarcophagus. Apparently Viv is so desperate to fit in with her family that she wants to keep their porn tradition alive. She told her underling all about how she was planning to seduce Victor in her room so that Maggie could watch them get it on while she was trapped in marble with nowhere else to look.

Babs wandered the streets and wandered the hospital. He looked and he looked for a suspect until all he could see was suspects but he couldn't for the life of him find any evidence. Instead, he decided to be persnickety with Stefano and try to ignore Sami's obvious guilt when it was staring him in the face. He stroked his beard and then tried to get Carly to stroke his ego. She was busy with other things like deciding which earrings to wear, what kind of jimjams to buy Chloe's spawn, whether the clam chowder at the pub was more fattening than the vinegar pie and digesting Chloe's confession that she tried to murder her. It turned out to be amazingly easy. Carly's a murderer herself so appreciating the desire in someone else is hardly hard to feel. The doctor had little problem forgiving her, Chloe ended up saving her life after putting it in danger after all. Between her time with Babs and her time with Chloe, Carly is proving that stupidity really does spread by osmosis. She immediately sped off to track down Viv and give her a tongue lashing about sending Chloe to knock her into a tumbling elevator to hell.

Anyway, my eyes hurt so it's time for the spoilers. If you don't want to know, please turn away now before things get worse. Next week, Vivian's plan hits another snag when Brady stumbles out of his drunken stupor and notices that she isn't planning to shove his mother's remains in the marble coffin she bought, but Maggie's living body. He calls her out on it, but will she have time to cover or will she be stuck in her own deathtrap? And speaking of deathtraps, Sami continues to linger around Salem General as she tries to decide whether to flip the switch off on EJ's newly ventilated body. Will agrees to keep her grisly secret and Rafe encourages her to just do it. Still, she better think fast because Ari vows that she will find out who forced Elvis to have such a radical makeover. If it wasn't for his faith in her, she might be sharing a cell with Hope right now. Unfortunately for Hope, the person she is sharing a cell with likes her even less than Ari does and gives her a beat down. And back on the outside, Victor continues to shoot Maggie longing glances and she keeps giving him the cold shoulder.

Lines of the week:
Philip: You must be the bionic woman the way you can hear things like that across the room.

Philip: You're worried about something. I don't know what it is, but I don't give a damn.

Vivian: She's so spunky. She just brightens a room when she enters.
Carly: And you brighten it when you leave.

Chloe: If you suggest therapy or sex rehab again I'll toss your ass into the river.

Ciara: I don't want to fish. I want my mommy.

Philip: You can't fix a marriage made in hell by moving dead bodies around.

Chloe: I sort of tried to kill you.

Carly: We both know you think of mausoleums the way normal people think of rec rooms.




September 3, 2010
Casa DiMera emptied out once the wedding collapsed. Kate and Stefano drifted down to her favorite place by the shore. Instead of waiting for the fleet to come in, she stumbled on Chad and then argued with Stefano. They proceeded to paint the town blue with their bickering as she panicked that she would lose Will, the one relation she has left who actually wants to be in her life. Stefano tried to assure her that young William wouldn't wind up blaming her for Elvis' colossal errors in judgment, but she was far from convinced by the old crime lord's powers of control.

Back at Casa DiMera, EJ moped. Ari dropped by to rag him out over the Sydnapping but her heart seemed to melt for the sad-eyed galoot. As soon as he sent her away and began picking up the drawings his children had left scattered all over the house, his sister showed up to rag him out, but her heart seemed to melt for her brother with his bloodhound eyes. She left him alone and he went down to the pier to cheer himself up by attacking an FBI agent and trying to pop Nicole's head off her neck like she was a dandelion. The fact that she accused him of being an empty inhuman monster who hates himself didn't help. Daniel swanned in to save her and Elvis went home to get even more pissed. After covering his bed in Johnny's drawings, he climbed in and tried to shoot himself but he was too drunk to pull it off. Luckily for him, Sami showed up, fresh from riding Rafe's baloney pony and a call from Kate warning her that EJ would run off with her children. She spotted the gun and decided to one-up Lucas. Instead of shooting an unarmed man in the back, she'd shoot one in the head while he was sleeping. After standing and watching to see if there was actually any brain to ooze out of his head, she went back home and hopped into bed to snuggle with Rafe. When they woke up, they worried about their future. To prove they have one, he explained that he wanted to re-enact an Old Spice commercial with her to show how much he cared... but he's allergic to horses so he just handed her a ring. "Hellz yeah!" she said to his proposal. Meanwhile, Stefano found his son in bed. After stuffing what he could of his brain back in, they rushed him to the hospital.

Across town, after having to bite his tongue around Chloe for so long, Daniel could barely control his sarcasm when it came to Nicole's incessant whining. Nicole mourned the fact that she'd lost Syd; she used to read to her and planned for her to be smart as a button. With Sami and Rafe raising her though, she'll be lucky if she can decipher the jokes in an Archie comic when she grows up. Nicole's constant freak outs annoyed the crap out of the doctor, who was desperate to be rid of her, regardless of what Chloe had to say. In the end, he was guilted into keeping her around.

Chloe was actually having a pretty good week now since she thought that Daniel knocked her up and Carly is off her back. That didn't stop Philip from slouching around and keeping up his paranoia. Nate continued to get suspicious that something must be up with something but he couldn't organize the flashbacks he kept experiencing into anything resembling an intelligent narrative.

Viv continued to elaborate her plan to kill Maggie in a way which will be as excruciating for the audience as it is for the victim. She wanted to put a little straw into the sarcophagus so she can force feed her gruel and keep her alive. Gus was already grossed out before she could tell him what she planned to do with the catheter. Brady stormed into the mausoleum to rain on her burial plans and ordered her to stay away from his dead mama. Then he drifted around town until Maggie badgered him about his drinking and told him to get a job and a life as well as stay away from his grandfather because he's a bad influence.

And now for the inevitable moment that you've all been waiting for: next week's spoilers. If you are one of those innocent souls who would rather be surprised than prematurely disappointed, please go away now and enjoy your long weekend. Remember that Monday will not be one of this week's Days of Our Lives. Anyway, next week, Babs returns to duty and starts questioning another person in his criminal filled family. He has to ask Sami all about EJ's unplanned lobotomy (unlike the other lobotomy he'd planned, namely, marrying Samanther). Before Babs can put things together, Stefano realizes that the gun used to de-brain his son was the one from the ever popular DiMera study. Sami hangs out by Elvis' side and is shocked when he still has the capacity to open his eyes. While Sami tries not to flip out too much, the same cannot be said for the rest of the town. Carly spouts off at Viv again and orders her to stay away from her family. Viv is a little put out since she's been putting all of her recent attention into offing Maggie, save when she returns to trying to ingratiate herself into Philly K.'s life.

Lines of the week:
Daniel: Did it ever occur to you that blackmailing a monster is a bad idea?

Caroline: You're trying to tell me Stefano has changed? How dumb can you be?

Nicole: Upset? It's more than a bad hair day. EJ DiMera knows I ratted him out and he wants me dead.

Chloe: Oh my God! Does Sami know?
Nicole: Yeah, and EJ knows that Sami knows and he knows I am the reason she knows.



August 27, 2010

Rafe crashed the wedding of the season, although the results were less comical (and dramatic) than that would suggest. After Sami and Rafe spent an episode discussing how they had nothing to say to each other, they spent another episode talking about what they did have to say to each other and then another  two episodes saying it. EJ sent Stefano and the kids away to get ice cream and then resorted to endless insults, twitching and begging. Rafe stood still and attempted to convince Sami that EJ was a vicious bastard simply by casting her a smug grin and trying to hypnotize her with the monotone of his voice. When that proved unsatisfactory, he started playing the recordings, first Nicole's and then the one Nicole made of EJ. Sami nearly exploded and let out bellow like a woolly mammoth going into labor. EJ tried to defend himself but he'd spent so long listening to Rafe speak that he'd taken on all of his speech patterns and could only say things like this: "Don't let him do this to us... Samanther. Don't. Sami, don't let him do this to us. Don't do it, Sami please, please don't let him to this to us. Not him. He can't do this to us, you can't let him, not to us, please Sami, not him, he can't. Don't do it please. Not us. Don't let him." Rafe sauntered away leaving Sami to tear into Elvis. They turned many shades of pink and red before they were done. He even tried proposing again but she made it clear that she'd only agreed to marry him because she couldn't have Rafe. After debating the meaning of love, she decided to take her swarm of spawn and leave forever. Stefano returned as she loaded them up. He couldn't believe how much his son screwed up. Kate couldn't believe that he kept all of this from her. Nicole cowered in her hovel expecting the worst and EJ vowed to kill her for this.

Once she knew 'the truth' Chloe decided it was finally time to stop sucking in her gut and let it all hang out. Her baby bump miraculously manifest itself just in time for her wardrobe to magically turn into maternity wear. This happiness was all thanks to whichever kind soul actually altered the results of the paternity test to make it look like Daniel was truly the dad. It was made as unclear as possible who could have done the switch, although it wasn't Stephanie and she assumed Chloe was too stupid to pull it off so that sort of narrows it down. Anyway, all of the couples had a bunch of sex after the results had been tampered with and then Chloe and Daniel paid Victor a visit to tell him the good news. When he wondered, loudly, whether someone else had the fortune to fecundate her, she nearly turned red so he apologized about as earnestly as he could.

Victor had other things on his plate. Vivian decided it was high time that she resort to her old tricks and bury someone alive again. Since it didn't work the first time - and the loss of oxygen only killed part of Carly's brain, a trauma we all have to live with on a daily basis - she must have figured the second time would be a charm. She loudly ordered a sarcophagus and made the particularly diabolical plan of making sure the lining would clash with Maggie's hair. The redhead just happened to decide that it was high time for her to set sail on the high seas with a little relaxing cruise. Even Viv was amazed by how expedient this plotting was. Hell, it's like no one's even bothering to write it.

Baker went to trial this week. Unlike Hope, he actually opted for a halfway competent lawyer and got pretty close to getting off. Babs sat in his chair and fumed. Carly and Roman practically had to sit on top of him to stop him from strangling Baker, tearing him apart and then eating his still beating heart. When he took the stand, he didn't even stop short of uttering threats at the defendant. After the judge told the commissioner to behave himself, Hope was called up. Baker couldn't stand to see her crumbling into a ball of screaming nerves decided to plead guilty and take the fall for what he could. He didn't stop short of pointing out to Babs, however, that he was more to blame for ruining Hope's life than anyone else was.

And now, without further ado, we move along to the spoilers. Those who don't want to know what train wreck will roll through Salem next week, please look away now. Next week, Babs has to explain to Ciara where her mommy is and why. Since she figured out most of this case months before him, she might already have an inkling. Brady continues to go on a downward spiral and his former lover, Ari, continues to lose friends when she says the wrong thing about the EJ and Sami situation. Now that Sami finally knows what revenge EJ wreaked on her for what she did to him, she decides to pay him back as much as possible. With a little gentle prodding from Rafe, she vows to do all she can to keep Elvis away from the kids for good. The reunited couple have sex a lot when they aren't planning to buy voodoo dolls to use on Stefano and his son. Kate and Stefano both fret about what an unhinged EJ is capable of and try not to lose Will in the mess. Elvis is busy running around town and trying to kill Nicole without even bothering to use his old black gloves. Daniel ends up rescuing her but that might not be enough to convince her to stick around.


Lines of the week:
Victor: You are what the Greeks call crazy.

Baker: I thought police commissioners were supposed to be impartial. But I guess I understand your anger. You must be drowning in the insecurity of your life... Does the word 'clueless' mean anything to you?

Victor: Why don't you come over here and look at the pictures of these beautiful sarcophagi?
Maggie: I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Baker: I saw your house, your child. You had everything... I gotta live with what I did and so do you, jerk.

Brady: It's not fair to have a sponsor who hangs out in bars. Maybe you should dump me. I'm not the guy you thought I was. Like they say in the movies, "No more Mr. Nice Guy."

Steph: Chloe a computer genius? She can hardly spell her name.

Sami: You slept with Nicole. I hope you showered before coming here. I hope you got tested too. I'm marrying EJ.

Victor: This is what comes
from letting her renew her subscription to "Modern Mausoleum."


August 20, 2010

Stephanie continued her detective work. It's too bad she works for the hospital instead of the Salem PD because she can actually get results. Recruiting some dude she once did a favor for and who desperately wants to get into her proverbial pants, she got him to hack into St. Mary's database, in spite of the fact that it would almost certainly doom him to Hell. By the end of the week, she got to the truth that half of the cast has been waiting for and let out a long squeal.

But most of the squealing of the week came from Nicole. Since her relationship with Brady seems as dead as the victims of the Salem stalker, she tried to drown her sorrows at the Cheatin' Heart. Rafe decided to let her use his chest to cry on. After he beat up some porn fiend who was trying to get her to re-enact Chad's favorite scenes from "Locker Room Lolita" (which was apparently the most successful porn movie in Salem history. In fact, they still show it at the drive in theater on top of the illegal gambling den and right next to the convent district). Nicole was sort of thankful so they got pissed. They slipped back to her place so she could put on some R. Kelly and see if he could make her echo. With a little prodding, he agreed to show her all the tricks he learned when he stripped his way through the FBI academy if she would show him all the tricks she learned in her former career. As he began to strip down, he got cold feet. She mocked him and then they had a serious, if drunken, heart to heart about the feelings they have that don't spring from the center of their bodies. They started to make out again. Sami came by and did what she usually does – peep through the window. She gasped. Nicole grinned. Sami ran. Nicole decided to kick Rafael out but then changed her mind because she wanted some cuddle time. After she fell asleep, he stole her CD. Once he promised to get her immunity, she opened up about the Sydnapping and he finally got the proof he needed to put away EJ. Maybe Elvis can join the gang Lucas was in...

The day of reckoning came to a different Salemite. Hope's friends and family solemnly marched around town, stopping by the pub to smell the beer or the beach to smell the whale carcasses on the shore before drifting down to the seldom used Salem courthouse. They sat anxious to watch the town's one remotely competent cop go down for the town's biggest crime spree in recent memory. Since half the police force and lawyers in town were her victims, they all showed up to argue for leniency (except for Chuck who had better things to do). Hope was being fatalistic, which infuriated everyone. Ari showed up to bad mouth the woman who she still assumes set her up to take the fall for knocking down the town's high and mighty. Hope was sentenced, but the judge gave her a light sentence of only two years, which was rather surprising since it was the judge the DiMeras have in their pocket.

The DiMera clan was distracted by other things all week. How could they think about Hope when they were busy thinking about EJ and Sami welding each other into the shackles of matrimonial bliss? She pondered whether she should wear white, or , more appropriately, a paper bag. EJ was just interested in trying to give her a preview of what their wedding night would be like. After all, Elvis' sexcapades rarely last longer than that. Samanther still seemed unsure, and paced around, half-hoping that Rafe would rescue her from actually committing to something. She ended up wearing beige. Kate wondered if this speedy wedding was another product of EJ's magical sperm. But I guess it can't be that magical since he never succeeded in knocking Kate up. She spent most of her week worrying about the secret she was carrying, namely, that Chad is actually Stefano's son. Kate worried about whether this revelation would shock her husband into cardiac arrest. She also cringed about how much it would confuse Chad. Since he was born in 1980, which means he's actually older than his older brother. Chad moped most of the week. Will followed him around, casting him longing glances and tried to cheer him up. He even asked him to the movies but Chad had to go home and do his hair and listens to 80s Emo music or something.

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...  the spoilers. If you don't want to know, please look away now and enjoy one of the final weekends of this unusually hot summer. Next week, Sami finally discovers the truth about the Sydnapping shenanigans, something which is sure to spoil the mood of her wedding day. This isn't the only big secret looming. Kate continues to fret over the truth about who spawned Chad and worries how Will will feel if he learns the secret. Meanwhile, Chloe believes that she knows the truth about who knocked her up. She and Daniel travel the town flaunting her girl gut to Philip, Melanie, Victor, the longshoremen at the pier, most of the hospital staff, the pub staff, the bar staff, the pig farmers who live on the edge of town, the local daddy daycare that will end up raising the child, some frat boys getting drunk at the Ford Decker memorial and whoever else they run into. And Babs decides that he's spent enough time blaming himself for ruining Hope's life and driving her insane and decides that Dick must be to blame for all of her problems.

Lines of the week:
Rafe: Too much thinking.

Niicole: Oh, did I scare off da widdle boy? This whole thing has been a charade.
Rafe: I just wanted friendship and you wanted something physical.

Nicole: So I guess our night of snuggling is over?

Ian: Okay, I'll do it. I like you, I owe you and have nothing better to do today.

Ari: How do you get guys to fall into your arms?
Nicole: Actually, I fell into his.

Nicole: No! Nope-y-dope.

Brady: It's not cocaine! It's a beer. I'm celebrating getting that last freakin' monkey off my back -- Nicole.

R
andom Salem pervert in the Cheatin' Heart: (to Nicole) So, do you come here often? I'm one of your best fans, Misty. "Locker Room Lolita" -- What a tour de force. Let's go look for our own private locker room.

Daniel: I'm sorry I'm working. You know how I love spying, especially the plinkity-plink-plink-plink music.


August 13, 2010
The fallout from the madness of Hope's confession continued to leave the townspeople confused. Justin stood around staring and wondering what to do. He said that there were no words to describe what was happening. Unfortunately, that didn't stop everyone from talking up a storm, mostly of apologies and claims that they would never be able to forgive themselves, someone else, something else or talk about whatever it was they couldn't talk about anymore. With Hope stuck in the waiting room of doom otherwise known as the offices of the Salem PD, her family and friends, one by one, showed up to tell her how bad they felt for her and urged her to fight for her freedom. Hope sulked and apologized to them one by one and seemed to shrink into the oversized shirt she was wearing. If she can shrink only a few more sizes, she'll be in a straitjacket. Then Elvis snuck in and she challenged him to make her feel worse than she already does. He tried, but all that he told her was that he wanted her head on a silver platter. Since her head has been her biggest problem, she didn't seem that bothered. Then Babs arrived to moan at Elvis and kick him out. If that wasn't enough, Commissioner Babs dropped by Elvis' pad to utter some loud death threats. EJ chuckled to himself. Meanwhile, Ari wasn't that thrilled that she's finally off the hook for mugging half the men in town. Instead, she was miffed that the Salem PD had been screwing her on all sides.

Rafe discovered that Sami and EJ are engaged. This really pumped up his testosterone so he spent the better part of an episode pounding on a bag and then jogging around town. Since he couldn't sweat her out of his system, he had to try another way. After congratulating her on the pier, she chased him to the locker room as he was pulling on his pants. Then they made out. Then he stopped her. Then they made out some more and then they stopped and he got sarcastic. We all know how the same strategy turned out for Lucas. She flounced off. Since Rafe doesn't shoot people in the back, he was left to figure out another way to take EJ down. He went to the bar to drink and Nicole joined him. After pounding back a few, Tim called to say the CD had been pieced back together. Unfortunately, only a sentence or two of EJ moaning was still comprehensible.

Sami and EJ hung out at the beach so he could show off his chest, she could brandish her cleavage and they could watch the nanny raise their children for them. Following another conversation which consisted of each of them vying to prove who was more blameworthy for why their lives suck, Sami decided it was high time that she prove who can ruin whose life more by accepting his marriage proposal. He was over the moon. By the end of the week, they had told Will (who was also sarcastic and then ran away to hide) and then Stefano and Kate. Stefano immediately decided they should grab some booze and Kate nearly barfed out what remains of her soul. Poor Kate. Even her step-son wants to marry Sami. You almost have to start wondering if it's really the men that the blond one is chasing.

Melanie and Stephanie each leaped through their usual manic-depressive mood swings, first deciding their lives were perfect, then not being so sure. Things were a little worse for Steph who was still in a panic that Nathan wants to do more to Mel than stare at the picture he keeps by the bed. After catching them in a friendly hug fest, she decided to dig into what was really happening between Philly and the diva in case things should blow up. After breaking into Daniel's apartment, she had to hide in the closet when the doctor came home. After he left, Philip and Chloe met to talk about their issues. Steph heard it all and that only made her more insecure so she ran to St. Mary's to try and dig up the paternity test.

Brady continued to sink into a haze of disgust and dejection. You could tell because he hadn't shaved for a few days and seemed to be wearing eye shadow. But even with whatever he gets up to in the mysterious underworld of Salem, he still took the time to go and see Hope and talk to her about the perils of drug addiction. That went slightly over her head. Then he strolled around the mansion with his shirt off until Victor barked at him to put on some clothes. Nicole showed up, told him a tall tale about the money and he decided to swallow it. But his relationship problems aren't quite as worrying as Victor's. Once more, the old tycoon was trying to charm his way into Maggie's pantaloons and once more Viv caught them flirting like horny pigeons on a Sunday night.

And now the spoilers. If you don't want to know, turn around now and enjoy your weekend. Of course, if you've watched this show for any amount of time, you can probably guess what will happen next week. Rafe actually, finally, for real gets evidence that Elvis was behind the nefarious Sydnapping, but will he be able to use this evidence in a way that convinces Samanther that EJ isn't appropriate marriage material? While Rafe is busy figuring out his next move, Brady is busy telling his half-sister that marrying his former lover's former husband would be a big mistake... and he knows all about mistakes. Doug and Julie continue to fret that Hope is making a big mistake by giving up hope. Carly and Daniel stop worrying about Chloe for a minute to turn their attention to worrying about Melanie's activities and mental state, but then again, that's a big part of getting to know her. Stefano also tries to get in on the parenting routine and offers to bury his past problems with Sami.

Lines of the week:


Steph: I dropped by to tell you I'm going to get over myself.

Nicole: Are your split ends more important than my life?

Melanie: You'd better start telling people you're pregnant or they'll just think you're a bitch.

Rafe: May the future not suck as much as the present.

Vivian: That red headed harrigan has lured Victor into her lair with its disgusting stench of donuts, rag rugs and Christmas ornaments.



August 6, 2010

Hope's reign of terror came to an end. As Ciara explained her mother's wacky behavior to her father, Hope donned her evening clothes for a final time with plans to make a Babs-kebab. She used the all purpose butcher knife favored by Salem's serial killers (I'm looking at you Marlena). Since the town doesn't have any actual butchers, this is the only chance they get for meat. After a lengthy tirade about how the bearded one had torn her life apart, breaded it, deep fried it and fed it to anorexics, she went at him with her blade, only to be easily fought off. He cuffed her and videotaped her confession. When she woke up the next day, they watched it over and over again (now they know how it feels to actually watch the show). She couldn't take it anymore and wanted to confess to everything and serve her time. Bo assured her that none of this was her fault and cursed the FDA for unleashing their mentally destabilizing sleeping pill on the unbalanced women of America. They went down to the station where Bo tried to stop her from confessing. She did it anyway. And then again. And then again. Eventually Roman believed and Bo had the supremely uncomfortable privilege of arresting her. The real tragedy in all of this is that we'll no longer see psycho Hope, just miserable 'shadow of herself' Hope and, no doubt, months of Babs trying to put the hope back into hopeless Hope.

Down at Salem's romantic hot spot, the pier, Elvis popped the question to Samanther once again. The smell of fish guts overwhelmed him. Staring out at the water and seeing Salem's fisherman battling giant squid inspired him to want to enter into the death defying battle better known as marriage. Fishing for a bride proved fruitless however. Though Sami gave him a lot of blubbering, she didn't give him the answer that he wanted. She still loved Rafe and ran away. EJ followed her home and asked again, claiming that he doesn't mind if she's in love with another man, after all, when he fell in love with her she loved another man too. He was confident that she would eventually fall in love with him by the power of osmosis.

Over at Nicole's dump, the smell of roaches cooking in the clunky air conditioner provided the perfect atmosphere for her endless rounds of mattress dancing with Brady. When she had to slip away to take care of some Baker related business, he decided to play maid and began tidying up their garbage patch of love. As he did so, he discovered the five million dollar wire transfer she left laying around and guessed there was something his poverty stricken lover wasn't telling him. When she returned, he pressed her for information. When she didn't open up, he threw her legs behind her head and they went at it again. Once she regained the ability to walk, she got up and noticed he had his pants on. What was even more puzzling was that he was actually wearing a shirt as well. She guessed something must have gone terribly wrong. He angrily confronted her for lying to him and using him, demanding answers about the five million dollars she had stowed away. She wasn't forthcoming so he threatened to expose her to the cops. After witnessing Hope's arrest at the station, he put the kibosh on that idea and they went back to her place so he could call her names and dump her.

And Salem's masters of slapstick were busy this week. Chloe, Daniel, Carly and Mel all plodded over to St. Mary's hospital to play the game of mistaken identity. Carly brought Chloe in under a false name so she could have an amnio. Daniel brought Mel in so she could listen to him talk about skin grafts. Daniel was accidentally sent to the room that Chloe was in. He began talking to her and she gasped from behind the curtain she was holding. Before he could look inside, Carly managed to rush in and stop him, claiming the woman behind the curtain wasn't his patient and couldn't speak English. That made him determined to apologize to her. Eventually, Carly got him to leave the room, Chloe had the test and they counted their blessings. Before Chloe could leave, she bumped into Daniel but managed to come up with a lame excuse that was easy for an overworked doctor to believe. The whole situation was getting so hard to take that even Stephanie could notice from across town that something was up.

Okay, you know the drill. Now the spoilers. If you don't want to be spoiled, please find something else to do and enjoy your weekend... because on Monday, misery and dread will be the order of the day in Salem. Everyone's less than carefully laid plans turn to crap as things unfold. Philip moans and worries that he may have lost Mel for good, which ought to tell you something about how everyone else in the romantic sextuplet is going to be behaving. How can a sextuplet be so unsexy? Tune in to see. Will Mel stray back to Nate? Steph certainly thinks so since he has her picture by his bedside. She gets determined to keep a man for once and resorts to busting into Daniel's to dig up the dirt and get ahead of the game. But some people in town have even bigger problems. Like Brady, who falls off the wagon and into the booze. Victor fumes. Nicole pouts and turns to Chloe, whose life is equally crapulent at the moment. Marveling at how bad everything is, Stefano opens up to Will and spills some more info on Madeline. And Rafe finally earns his paycheck and discovers that EJ was behind the Sydnapping.

Lines of the week:

Ciara: Is someday a long-long time?

Nicole: After I fell in love with you there were no other men. Well, there were men, but none like you.

Mel: I remember the first time I had to draw blood... ewww. But then one day I heard an attending physician yelling at an orderly, 'You write down whether a woman's breasts are healthy or unhealthy. You do not record them as being banging-double-D's'. I figured I'd never do anything that stupid.


July 30, 2010
Dick continued to sit in his motel and have conversations with himself about Hope. (I often wonder if people actually think anything on this show that they don't say out loud.) When he wasn't doing that, he wandered down by the pier, where Brady just happened to wander by and spot him. By some medical miracle, Dick managed to outrun Brady and eluded capture. As Brady complained to Nicole about the diabolical doctor hanging out around town, she tried to look ignorant. While Dick packed up his party shirts and lounge wear to head to the beaches of Canada, Nicole called in another favor from EJ, ordering him to let her use Marco's services. She sent the goon off to take Dick out.

And in a similar vein... EJ and Sami discussed marriage after he 'accidentally' suggested that they get wed. After a lot of goo-goo eyes, he let her know that he would let her know when he was going to let her know he was going to pop the question. Elvis told his papa that he was planning to wed Samanther. Stefano called him an imbecile in each of the languages he knew. Unfortunately, EJ speaks a language that even Sami can barely understand. She was busy at the pub telling her unfortunate grandma that she might wed EJ. Caroline tried not to call her an imbecile in any of the languages she knows. Sami barely noticed the chilly silence because she wouldn't shut up. She admitted that she's still in love with Rafe. He bumbled in and they had another dysfunctional conversation before she stomped away. Down at the pier, she found EJ dressed in a fisherman's cap. He told her a pole was waving in her direction and asked her to pull on it. When she did a ring came out. He dropped to his knees and popped the question he'd promised not to pop until they were mature enough to know the right answer. She used her all purpose answer: she cried.

And speaking of people waiting to get wed... Daniel continued to assume that he'd done something terrible to ruin his wonderful relationship with Chloe. Carly tried not to gag on her tongue while he opened up about it. Philip paced around town and tried to hide behind the bangs of his hair to make his problems go away. Instead, Chloe showed up at his door for another incoherent conversation, which was quickly interrupted by news of the botched barbecue at Casa da Bo. He moped around town. Chloe and Daniel had yet another competition for who was the sorriest.

No sooner had Chad heard that his mother was a ho than he had to get used to her being dead. That's a lot for a lad to take in. He moped down to stare into the water at the pier, which, as everyone knows, is really filled by the salty tears of Salemites (even Sami can't do it alone). He wandered over to Casa DiMera to get some answers out of Kate, but she wasn't forthcoming and begged him to drop it. Stefano wasn't happy to see that his wife had suddenly grown so caring toward someone they are, supposedly, not related to. After he lectured her on how to be indifferent to the hoi polloi, she pouted and wondered what to do with her newfound emotional connection.

The case of the Babs burning finally caught a break thanks to the police commissioner bypassing the cops he put on the town's largest crime spree and letting the local children solve things for him. Although Carly tried to get some information out of him with hypnosis, all she discovered was that he was happiest riding the Fancy Face. As he bustled around town, Theo ran into him and explained all about Ciara's treasures and where they came from. Bo clued in and then asked his daughter about it. She grudgingly told him the whole story. Meanwhile, Carly and Hope bickered with Viv and came to a kind of detentes with each other over their mutual disinterest in seeing Babs charred and left for dead.

And now onto the spoilers. If you don't want to know about next week's death defying and depth defying adventures in Salem, please avert your eyes now and enjoy a weekend of 'camping and fishing' or whatever you think those words can be a euphemism for. Carly finally figures out that she's been an accomplice in the entire baby batter cover-up and Daniel and Mel won't be too pleased to know that she never spilled the beans about Philip spilling his seed. She does what she can to keep Dr. Dan even further away from the truth than he already is but that could be complicated by Mel being offered a job at St. Mary's. While she contemplates spending her day with the nuns, Dr. Baker is busy trying to prevent Hope from coming clean about what her alternate personality has been up to. It could be too late to matter though since Babs has discovered that her peculiar behavior is a byproduct of her sleeping pills. Babs isn't the only one onto her either. Justin realizes that she isn't just trying to turn him off, she actually has problems.

Lines of the week:

Caroline: If you don't love him tell him you don't want to marry him and then please God we can talk about something else?

Sami: I don't know if Rafe knows I exist.

Carly: Never pull Hope into our crap again! She has been through too much.
Viv: What Hope has been through is you doing her husband.

Baker: Leaving is the only sensible thing to do... Guess I'm stickin' around until tomorrow.

Victor: Bullfeathers! The last time you told the truth Jimmy Carter was in the White House. And there is no room for love in this marriage.

Nicole: Chew on this, Dick. I could end your life and no one would care. Keep lying low or lie on the ground... Dick.

Nicole: I'm a little humor-challenged these days.

Mel: (to Nathan) You're moving in with Stephanie? Cool, that's great for both of you if she wakes up in the middle of the night barfing and covered in welts there would be a doctor there.




July 23, 2010

The week began with a thud as Madeline hurtled down a pair of steps and onto the crusty concrete of the Salem pier. Chad ran to his mom's side and cried before calling an ambulance. She was rushed to the hospital where Lexi pronounced her dead. Chuck was furious with his son for killing her, but it wasn't really Chad's fault since Maddie had a brain aneurysm that could have blown at any time. Stefano and Kate were conveniently on hand to get in the way, though that only made Chuck fume and Chad even more confused. Kate stood around talking to herself about the other big secret that Madeline was protecting and wondered how long she could keep it under wraps.

Rafe reared his head to continue his endless breakup with Sami. For once, she seemed to do something decisive and actually informed him that she would be moving in with Elvis and her brew of brats on a permanent basis. Rafe wasn't all that convinced. It didn't help that Sami was lying through her teeth about everything else, that is, when she wasn't having wet dreams about Rafe on the mansion couch. For once, Rafe seemed to do something totally indecisive and that actually proved useful. He was amazed to simply stumble on what he'd been looking for for so long exactly when he wasn't looking for it. (that is the key to law enforcement in Salem after all: if you don't bother doing your job, it will magically be done for you). He overheard Nicole and EJ talking on the pier about their secret. He rushed across town to break into Nicole's roach motel room and discovered her diary. It was all written in code so he snapped some shots and took it to his cryptographer.

Steph and Nate kept talking about moving in together and making out on the beach, in the pub, in the butcher shop, in the cannery, in the Clam Chowder Cafe, in the hospital closet, in the mini putt parking garage, in the Hummel figurine museum, in the tack shop, in the graveyard, in the hole where a new condo was supposed to be built by DiMera shipping but never was because they filled it with bodies, in the fruit loops section of the grocery story, in the children's section of the library, but not in the sorority house haunted by Ford Decker. Meanwhile, Mel started talking about having Philly's babies and he looked at her like she was asking him to carry them to term himself.

Chloe continued to fluster Daniel. No matter how many times they had sex to break the tension, the doctor was still so wired he could barely button his shirt. Then Chloe flustered Carly by telling her, in detail, all of the other fibs she's had to sue to foil Daniel's desperate attempt to get her down the aisle. "Lies on top of lays," Carly groaned. Chloe then went to chew Father Matt's ear off about everything. He was too polite to run away when he saw her coming, but she took the wind out of him when she informed him that she was pregnant.

Hope continued to channel her inner drag queen as she took her war on Babs to its 'logical' conclusion. He could sense something was wrong when she showed up to rap about her problems with him. She filled his coffee with pills. He gagged and collapsed. Then she tried to make a bonfire of Babs and the home they once shared. As she stared at pictures of Ciara, her tears kept putting out the matches she'd light. Unfortunately, Dick called the cops to tip them off. Even before that Daniel randomly showed up. Hope ran. The doctor found Babs on the floor. Since he smelled like gas instead of his usual musk of Old Spice, chowder and crullers, Daniel knew something was wrong. Babs was rushed to the hospital and Hope rushed after him, sneaking into his room and injecting air into his IV. He began to snort and flatline. She ran. Daniel and Carly came in to revive him. While he gagged on oxygen, Vivian was busy gagging on the fact that Victor was running off to be with his 'red headed cow'. Her insults didn't help. While the sexually frustrated Viv tried to plan something and Gus encouraged her to go for the throat, Maggie reminded Victor that he's a married man and he should only be involved with her through her lawyer. Apparently she thinks that lawyers are the ultimate tool for safe sex, but considering where Victor's been, that may be wise.

Anyway, now onto the spoilers. If you don't want to know, avert your gaze now... Rounding out this month, one of Salem's many problems may actually come close to getting solved. But how do you solve a problem like Hope? The detective tells Babs all about her feelings, or at least about the feelings of one of her personalities. That may not be enough to totally clue the bearded wonder in, but a little help from Ciara might be. She fills her father in on enough of Hope's recent wacky behavior that even a member of the Salem PD can figure it out. After all, as Rafe proved this week -- it's better to do nothing and let things fall into your lap. While he figures things out, Sami weighs her feelings on EJ's latest proposal. Meanwhile, Kate continues to sit on the explosive secret Madeline left behind and Maggie sticks her nose into Brady's love life when she discovers that Nicole is making another play for the town's most frequently topless millionaire.


Lines of the week:

EJ: Maybe I'm about to get stupid!

Rafe: What do you know? It all just fell into my lap. I've been beating my head against the wall for nothing.

Carly: Lies on top of lies!

Nicole: Maybe if I dim the lights this won't look like such a hovel. Oh, a dimly-lit hovel.

Vivian: Oh, Mr. Grumpy-Grump, you need to sit down and I'll bring you a brandy.

Gus: Are you going to take it laying down.
Vivian: I'll take it sitting up in a canoe if that's what he wants.

Rafe: You know that thing about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome being the definition of insanity? Today I finally got sane.

Rafe: If I had half a brain in my head I'd forget what I just heard.


July 16, 2010
It was another week that mostly consisted of things not actually happening in Salem. There was plenty of tension, which made everything feel like it was just sort of floating in space and not getting anywhere. Maybe that's why they seemed to be using synth music from a seventies sci-fi movie in the background in a lot of scenes. First, the one thing that really did happen. Chad confronted his mother. Actually, he confronted Kate first. She didn't tell him anything but she tipped his mom off. Maddie was busy celebrating being nominate for an appellate court judgeship with Chuck in the bramble bushes on the beach. They took a break from their public boozing so she could run off and get nabbed by her inquisitive son on the pier. She could tell he was fuming because his hair was even more angular than usual. They had it out and she admitted to being a woman who was easy about lying down but hard on the wallet. She made so many excuses that she ended up tripping over them when her son pushed her away. Like so many souls before her, Tony and Ford among them, she plummeted down four or five rickety steps to her death.

After catching Hope sucking on Justin's face, Adrienne realized something was wrong. She told him Hope was out to lunch. He told her she was out to lunch. She decided that if he wanted to take Hope out for dinner, he must be out to lunch too and then tipped Babs off about his nearly ex-wife's wacky behavior. Babs showed his teeth and stroked his beard. He admitted to Carly that he's kind of jealous of Justin and Hope... so they jumped in bed to silence those thoughts and then he continued to wonder if Hope was losing the plot, or what there is of one. When they went over to the Salem hospital/morgue, Hope was puttering around and exploded at them after catching them in a public grope fest. After reading them the Miss Manners version of the riot act, she went to see her hole in the wall doctor to get some more sleeping pills. The good doctor had just given some to Abe, though he warned him that they seem to actually keep women up all night and give them alternative personalities. That seemed to sound like exactly what Abe needs at home so he gobbled them up. Meanwhile, Hope slipped on her kimono and downed some pills before turning into the heroine version of herself and then swanned down to the fish gut filled alley to tell Carly how much she admires and respects her (then she went off to plot butchering Babs). Carly didn't know what to do. She's so used to dealing with Chloe, someone who barely has one personality, that it's almost impossible for her to cope with someone who has two of them.

But, as was said earlier, most of the week was about things not happening. Daniel and Carly realized that Chloe had been bullied into her delusions by Vivian. This meant that Carly wouldn't say anything about her libidinal mashup until it was determined who had spawned with her. Chloe knitted her brows and wondered what would happen. Philip knitted his brows, pawed his hair and wondered what would happen. Daniel caught him talking to his fiancée and then told Chloe to stay away from Philly K. The good doctor was jealous. He decided to alleviate that by having sex with Chloe to demonstrate that at least he still has the use of both of his legs and his entire face and then slipped into the shower to sing his favorite Tears For Fears songs.

Across town, Nicole tried to out EJ. His face nearly fell off because he was so stressed out. He grabbed her mic to insult her during her broadcast. Even in the fictional universe of Salem this was so boring that they dropped the signal for this breaking news and showed leopards giving birth instead. EJ ushered his big family back to Casa DiMera and Nicole followed. She tried to tell Sami everything but Samanther wouldn't listen. Then she tried confronting EJ again but he wouldn't listen. Then she went to Brady, who was fresh from having failed to reunite with Ari, and offered to tell him everything. He was eager to listen but she decided to stay silent, which left her to fantasize about telling him while Ari was busy fantasizing about Brady making out with Nicole. Back at Casa DiMera, EJ continued to throw a fit and scared Johnny so much that the little boy's hair turned into an afro. He then had Nicole hunted down and dragged back to his lair so they could have another confrontation that went nowhere.

And now onto the spoilers. You know the drill... if you don't want to know, look away now and enjoy your weekend. Next week, the thrills continue as Stephanie and Nathan contemplate buying a house. They might not want to move into Nicole's neighbourhood (wherever it is that she lives these days) since there's a break-in at her apartment. Rafe busts in and looks for what she's been constantly threatening to reveal. Will he have more luck? While he's digging for dirt, Chloe continues to contemplate airing her dirty laundry, or couch cushions, in public and telling Daniel the truth. Meanwhile, Chad may have just accidentally killed his mom, but he still needs more answers about her sleazy past. Kate suggests he talk to his dad instead of her. While she avoids meddling, Vivian decides it's time to ratchet up her interference in Victor and Maggie's burgeoning affair. And Hope finally seems to get around to taking out her anger on Babs. The bearded one is found lying unconscious.

Lines of the week:

Chad: I hope you charged the big bucks. It would be embarrassing for me to have my mother be a cheap whore.

Carly: An hour ago you took my head off.
Hope: I apologize. You see... the woman who yelled at you... it wasn't me.

Nicola: Take me to the big bad wolf. It's time someone huffed and puffed and blew his house down.

Nicole: It's hot out here. Shall we go for a swim or make it hotter?

Nicole: I have been doing some soul searching.
EJ: Did you find one?



July 9, 2010
Sami and EJ continued the dance of sexual frustration that they do so well. This time, she kept her cleavage in and he let his abs out. Since the only time either of them act sexually aggressive literally results in rape, acting like a pair of horny, virginal dorks is slightly safer. They went down to the beach to watch the nanny look after their children and talk about what a great family they were. After eating a bucket of chicken and reciting their favorite commercials, the charm offensive continued as she smeared olive oil all over his pink shirt (Ah yes! A Santo and Colleen allusion!). 

After having his abs exploited for the camera and the viewers at home, Will returned to the mansion and discovered, thanks to some eavesdropping, that not only is his gran-gran a former lady of the evening, but Chad's mother is as well. He didn't waste much time telling the Chadster about it since he could see that he was already gelling his hair to point in Gabi's direction. The boys had a tiff and a cop had to pull the dudes apart and tell them to behave themselves. They would have kept their fighting in the local fight club but it seems to have been taken over by Hope and Dick.

Once again, Salem's leading crime lord/lawyer was outsmarted by Nicole. But as Baker pointed out, EJ couldn't even figure out the woman he was sleeping with had a phony stomach, so what he would do if a clue was staring him in the face is anyone's guess. Ari was out of jail and EJ was on the path for revenge. Nicole decided to save herself since Brady was busy moping and no one else gave a damn. She easily broke into Casa DiMera, the criminal compound with an army of goons but only two servants and no security, and dug for the dirt he supposedly had on her. Of course, he didn't have any, but she soon discovered plenty on him as she eavesdropped, and recorded, he and his father detailing the entire scandalous Sydnapping in detail. The next day, she called him down to the pier to rub her discovery in his face. His eyes bulged and his hair drooped.

Jennifer finally had enough of the smells and sites of Salem and decided it was time to bail. After an unpleasant confrontation with Vivian in which Jenn confronted her for standing up for her rapist nephew, she ran off to the rapist she married and left her gal pal Carly to fend for herself as the lone zombie in clam chowder junction. Carly continued to wonder what to do about things that were really none of her business. To get her brain back to functional, she dropped by to talk to Mel just in case that would jog her memory about what an intelligent stream of thought could resemble. After they devoured buckets of ice cream, she traveled over to her usual haunt – Daniel's doorstep. Vivian was stomping out, fresh from telling Chloe that her breasts seem to do all of her thinking for her and her ass isn't even sure about where it lives. Viv had other things to worry about though. Like Victor trying to find excuses to hang around Maggie like she was the closest thing to Heaven on a summer's day. Even Caroline called him out on his skirt chasing and chewed the mustache and the redhead out in public. Meanwhile, Mel informed Philip that Chloe had done the impossible and been knocked up. His ice cream melted and his hair drooped.

Ciara continued to unravel her mother's weirdness more rapidly than any of the adults in her life. She tipped Justin off about the pile of wallets her mom was hiding under the bed with Babs' old Playgirl appearance. Justin awkwardly tried to talk to her about the stories the girl's been telling and Hope decided to throw him off the scent by joining her face to his and blowing into his mouth. He stumbled away and she arched her eyebrows before stalking off to find Dick. She gave him a recipe list for her beard-seeking missile as she prepared the next chapter in her battle against Babs.

Anyway, now onto the spoilers. Next week is all about spoiling things for people, or trying to and not being that great about doing it intentionally. Chloe could ruin a lot of lives since she doesn't have a clue about who the father of her child is. Of course, if Viv is right and she barely knows where her ass is, it's doubtful whether she could figure out something that intimate. Meanwhile, Madeline admits to her son that her anatomy has been in more places that she can count when she tells him about her time as a call girl. This could raise even more issues for Chad, but he's not the only one with a lot of questions. Adrienne and Babs have a hard time figuring out Hope's wacky behavior. Ari reminds EJ of how good he has been to her and wonders what she can do to repay him. But EJ's plate could be pretty full, and not full of anything appetizing, when Nicole threatens to reveal what she knows about the Sydnapping to Samanther.

Lines of the week:
EJ: It's all right, Samantha... You can say the f-word.

Chloe: I'm happy I didn't kill someone.


EJ: That woman could take on an entire regiment armed with only a corkscrew.

Vivian: Do you ever stop whining? I listened to you whine to Nicole for what seemed like hours in the pub.
Chloe: You were eavesdropping!
Vivian: Sherlock Holmes move over, Chloe Lane is in town. That's when I found out I could play you like a poker hand from a stacked deck. Unfortunately, you tuned out to be an incipient wimp with large breasts and no backbone.


Will: At least my mom wasn't a whore like yours was. My mom made mistakes but never turned tricks.


EJ: I'm not an idiot.
Stefano: You're in love. It's the same thing.


Vivian: (to Maggie) Do you think I like dragging my husband out of a suburban kitchen and having a romantic rival that makes Betty Crocker look like Lady Gaga?




June 30, 2010

It was a brief week in Salem. With the funeral at an end, more or less, the town's denizens seemed to drift around in even more of a haze than usual. Bo and Hope shared a moment in the graveyard as they said goodbye to Alice. They joined the rest of the family and everyone remembered some more and some more. Dr. Baker sat around and talked to himself about how Hope would soon explode and take Babs down with her. Mike snuck out of the hospital so that he could have a plaque made for Alice. Meanwhile, Shane chased Kim around town no matter how many doors she shut in his face. She never wanted to see him again until he showed her his resignation from the ISA.

Chloe finally got dressed and packed her bag, but she never got out of her hospital room. Carly kept popping in to make bug eyes at her and utter cryptic half sentences to Daniel. All Chloe could do was shake her head and stare. That is, until she was left alone when she could bawl and curse, which is kind of what got her into this mess in the first place. Daniel thought she was distraught because she was in a falling elevator while pregnant and told her to forget about the past and that he never wanted to hear another confession again. She gave up trying but still dreaded that zombie Carly would devour what was left of Dr. Dan's brain and turn him against her. Meanwhile, Stephanie randomly worried about what Philip was up to and Kayla gave the peg legged white collar pirate the evil eye for taking Pocket away. Mel was much more forgiving, though this seemed to be the first time she heard about the other child her husband had spawned.

Sami got smooched this week. By two men. Unfortunately it wasn't at the same time. Instead, Rafe showed up to rant at her and then kiss her goodbye. EJ walked in on their tongue tying and got his knickers in a twist. He walked around uncomfortably all day, so much so that his father started to worry about him. Finally, Elvis decided to get the kink out of his pants by telling Samanther over and over again that he loves her so much he even loves the stuff he hates about her. Sami seemed shocked, turned different colors, stuttered, made noises, paced, furrowed her brow and drank gallons of water while she tried to pretend she wasn't having a conversation with EJ about how much he loved her. He fondled her childbearing hips and sucked her lips before running off to argue with Rafe about who was really too 'impotent' to take care of Arianna.

The relatively uneventful week was capped by Kate telling Madeline that she knows her secret and doesn't know what she's going to do with it. Anyway, if the non-stop thrills of Sami puttering around the mansion and Chloe trying to keep her mouth shut were too much for you, you'll have four days to recover. However, next week will bring five brand smacking new episodes of the pratfalls and pits of America's hub of clam chowder culture. With Marlena out of the picture and the only other shrink in memory a psychopath who went over the edge, the problems of the townspeople have been left in the hands of people who can barely run their own lives and, of course, Thaddeus the 'T Man'. Before he can set his sights on Will's apparent man crush, he lets Chad know that his taste in women has been all wrong and he should be pointing his attention somewhere else. Across town, Carly continues to ring the bell of doom, but holds off on pulverizing Chloe until the baby is born. She offers to keep her mouth shut until they know the paternity of the child. Perhaps she is just being lenient because Bo seems so distracted. The doctor even starts to wonder if she'll be welcome at Casa da Babs anymore since the Bab's heart may be being tugged in a different direction. While she dreads another romantic failure, Stefano is busy worrying that his son is headed for romantic disaster. Elvis could have much bigger problems ahead though since Nicole just happens to discover that the man who couldn't even figure out that she wasn't actually pregnant was the genius behind the Sydnapping.

Lines of the week:
Carly: The hell I am.

Nicole: Oh my God! You didn't get married! You didn't tell him about your fling, did you?
Chloe: It wasn't a fling.
Nicole: Okay, revenge sex.
Chloe: It wasn't that.
Nicole: Okay, desperation sex. 


June 25, 2010

Again... most of the week was the family gathering for Alice's decline and vanishing. Mike remained in the hospital (because the actor who plays him could only shoot for a day) and everyone else spent most of the week in Alice's kitchen. Everyone grieved for her. Sometimes they stopped for a few minutes to talk about donuts. Sometimes they talked about flowers instead, but even the flowers seemed to be grieving for the rarely seen matriarch usually only heard from in flashbacks. Mike provided irony by coming to town just to see her and getting hit by a car as soon as he got off the plane. Lucas tried not to gag while talking to Sami, but he's so out of character that he actually spent most of his time being nice to Kate. He asked Will to move to Hong Kong with him, but Will, displaying hints of his mother's wisdom, decided Salem was a better place to be. Maybe that's because Mia is leaving town and he'll have Chad all to himself. Mia was thrilled when Chad decided to stick around town. After they played tonsil tag, Chad's mom bribed Mia with a place at the Fame academy and a living allowance if only she would leave town. Maddie only had to ask twice and Mia was gone.

Although the funeral that they'd been building up to for two weeks wasn't actually shown, Sami told Kate it was nice. Both women had a busy week. Sami argued with Carrie and then they forgave each other and argued some more. Rafe and Shane flew back into town. Shane popped up at the funeral and Kimberly blew him off while Rafe showed up at the mansion and Sami stared. Kate had other things on her plate, like a certain secret she discovered about Miss Maddie. No, it's not that Stefano splattered the brains of a congressman she was helping him blackmail, it was something else... something even Kate was hesitant to reveal. Apparently, she decided that streaking her hair blue would distract anyone from guessing she is sitting on something big.

Brady sobered up but was still miserable. He and Ari already broke up so they couldn't do that again but they did remind each other that they were broken up to fill the time. He even told Nicole, who was surprisingly unexcited to see what she's been striving for finally come to fruition. Maybe she was just distracted because EJ keep
s popping up to threaten her with his attempts at mime and anguished yelps of disgust.

Chloe took on most of the show's dramatic weight this week. This may have been why she was trapped in a hospital bed and unable to move the entire time. Carly burst into the bed ridden wedding to make a declaration. By that point, everyone was so bored with the story that they looked like they weren't sure how to react. They were almost like those unfortunately souls in dance marathons who ended begging someone to shoot them because they were so exhausted by endless movements that go nowhere. Carly's outburst turned out to be different this time. She wasn't there to tell the doctor that his diva had been playing bedroom billiards with someone else, instead she broke the news that Chloe is pregnant. Daniel the atheist proclaimed this a miracle. Chloe was so baffled by the gross implausibility of all of this that she was dumbstruck. It's still unclear if Philip or Daniel is the father. Then again, as Chloe always says, this is Salem, so the elevator could have impregnated her when sparks flew and she went all the way down on it.

Now that this week of slow and fast departures has departed, we can look ahead to next week's abbreviated episodes. Here come the spoilers for all three episodes to air next week... Since Chloe is pregnant and it's not hysterical, Mel asks Philip if he has been entertaining the idea of having another child. While he rubs his facial transplant and wonders, Stephanie tells her mom how worried she is about her former beau, not that it's any of her business or anything. Elvis probes Sami for her feelings and tries to find out what kind of probing she might be interested in having him do. While Sami is opening her mouth a lot without communicating much, Carly continues making a lot of noise about how she will never be quiet. While the diva is cringing about this, Kate is busy furrowing her brow and thinking about how she can use Madeline's secret.

Lines of the week:
The show was so bland, sorry, I mean somber, this week that the only good lines were Chloe's and the only good thing about them was that they were all delivered as if she was either in labor or in the middle of an exam from her girly doctor. Here are a few decent exchanges anyway.


Sami: EJ is the father of two of my children.

Carrie: Lucas is also the father of two of your children. Are you living with him?

Will: Everyone has been nice... even to my mom. EJ has been really decent to her.
Lucas: Now I'm really scared.


June12, 2010
After easily tracking down someone who recognized his one-of-a-kind money clip, Brady flashed his cash loaf and made his way to the local underground gambling joint, which is apparently located in one of the sewer ducts that runs from the pub to the pier. Baker spotted Brady at the table and decided to pop a forget-me-now into his soft drink. Moments later, Mr. Black spilled into the street and Baker poured some hard drinks into his gob. Nicole arrives, lured in by the stench, and rushed him to the hospital where he soon woke up with no clue about what was going on. Nicole looked like a heroine, but realized that wasn't something Brady could handle so she flipped on Dick and threatened him (again). Meanwhile, Brady called Ari and told her over and over that he was pushed off the wagon by conspiring forces but she didn't believe him, after all, a flicker of doubt crossed his mind about her soon all trust is gone forever and eternity between them.

Kate and Stefano continued to feather their love nest with a new trove of stolen treasure. She donned a wig and wandered into the Salem bank to empty Madeline's safety deposit box of the infamous video tape... and a bunch of bonds for Chad. Madeline was soon flipping her wig about it. It didn't help that Master Chad had decided to stay in Salem in a bid to cozy up to the rarely seen Mia again. He spent most of his week standing in bushes with his head towering over them so he could eavesdrop on people.

After watching from afar, Caroline suddenly seemed disappointed that Victor is off the market. Although she flat out told him that she wasn't interested in him, she was still annoyed by his recent marriage. But what really got her goat though is that she saw him holding hands with Maggie. The redhead and the old curmudgeon went to comfort Brady after he was kicked off the wagon and hurtled into the bloody hands of the hacks at Salem General.

Chloe spent the whole week in bed at the hospital. Although laying around and whining isn't new for her... um, never mind. Chloe did exactly what she's done every week for many months. Basically she complained about Carly, worried about Daniel and looked for forgiveness from Father Matt, who abruptly decided it was time to escape sinful Salem and spend some time at a retreat. Daniel, as usual, had no idea what was going on and let her convince him to postpone the wedding again. Father Matt threw a wrench into things, however, when he announced that, after hearing her carnal confession, he couldn't perform her ceremony to the doctor. Chloe sulked until Nicole told her to get it together and marry Daniel with whoever was around so she could start pushing Carly out of the picture.

Most of the town continued to be engulfed in grief and nostalgia. Bill and Laura fought with Kate. Julie and Doug were at Alice's to say goodbye and gawk at how dysfunctional Will and Sami had become. Samanther made excuses for Elvis and Will claimed that Stefano was actually kind of cool. Melissa and Kayla arrived to weep and wonder at how well Stephanie and Nathan were doing. But no one was weeping for the long absent Rafe as he rotted in a mysterious jail cell in who knows where. Rafe and Shane finally broke out of their prison. The Fed ran off in search of Anna, but, apparently, she suddenly regained the ability to speak and move and ran off before he could reach her.

It may have seemed like a short week, but the flashbacks filled out most of the time. Now come the spoilers, although, at the moment, I'm not sure they spoil much of anything. If you don't want to know, please look away now and have a donut for Alice. Next week, there will be plenty more and there may actually be something worth remembering as people gather together to mark Alice's passing. Amid the grieving, Kayla takes the time to make sure that Babs knows she doesn't approve of who he has been playing pickle-me, tickle-me with. She and Adrienne worry about what's been going on with Steph. Worrying proves contagious. Lucas shows up to worry and Carrie worries that Sami is making a huge mistake and warns her that she has to choose once and for all between the father of her children and the one who would like to be. Love conundrums continue elsewhere in town. Brady admits to Nicole that he and Ari are now no more, but what getting him in this position has cost him has turned out to be a real turnoff. And, even though she may be in one of the most loving relationships in town, Kate still decides to hide what she discovers about Madeline from Stefano.

Lines of the week:
Father Matt: I won't have a phone at the retreat, but you'll be in my prayers.

Brady: I didn't do it. I did not do it! I don't know who did or how they did it but I didn't do it.

Nicole: Who the hell does she think she is, the morals police? You have to do an end run on that little bitch.

Victor: But I'm not blaming Brady. I'm blaming his girlfriend: the once and future prison whore.

Brady: I got places to do and people to go.


June 11, 2010
As Alice Horton slowly passed into the great beyond, this time by natural causes rather than by doughnuts, nearly everything is Salem began to come to a dead halt. Theo and Ciara talked about the pirates who had been stealing her treasure and how her mommy had been hugging on another man. Babs took a break from sucking face with Carly who nearly took a break from lambasting Chloe for boning someone other than her beloved. And Maggie took a break from giving advice to reminisce about someone else giving advice. And Hope momentarily stopped changing personalities and Sami seemed to stop hating EJ anymore and sucked some face with him. Elvis, however, pulled out all of the insults he's been saving up for someone in his Rolodex.

Victor and Viv's honeymoon hardly went well. Although he didn't chuck her over Niagara Falls in a barrel full of snakes, he did threaten to off her if anything happened to Dr. Carnal Manning while they were away. Viv pouted and stared while, back in Salem, Chloe the demented diva doll fretted that her soon-to-be husband's former hookup was going to reveal her own hookup with Philly K. She ended up deciding to let the doctor meet her maker in the elevator to hell. In typical Chloe fashion, however, once she'd flopped her head in the other direction, she changed her mind and dragged Carly from the elevator of doom. She got stuck in it all by herself and went down, down, down. Daniel just happened to be standing at the bottom of the elevator to hear her thud. But it takes more than a defective shaft to get rid of Chloe. She was quickly revived and plopped into one of Salem's most romantic hospital beds so Dr. Dan could swoon over her and ask her to marry him then and there.

Sami told EJ what a great parent he is. Apparently he's a good kisser too because they did that as well. No word yet on if she's pregnant. He then took the time to go down to the pier and rehash his horrible marriage to Nicole. Apparently the news of elevator carnage aroused carnal memories in his mind. They ranted and insulted each other as he accused her of being behind the muggings. Meanwhile, Sami's son, Will, continued to lounge around with Chad and Tad, sipping non-alcoholic beer at the Cheatin' Heart while Tad leered at what a foxy mama Master Peterson-Woods has.

Nathan nearly began dancing when Steph informed him that he hadn't pushed her into the family way. While they were glad not to be expecting, Ari still wasn't expecting much of anything from Brady as she continued to stew in prison. Gabi continued to make faces at Brady for letting her sister down. And in the mysterious land where Rafe and Shane were being held, they continued to plan their escape back to a place where doughnuts are plentiful.

It was a slow week folks, but next week is on the way. Please avert your gaze now if you don't want this peek into what the next week will bring to the brilliant denizens of Salem. As most of the town is cloaked in grief, Chloe won't let nearly being turned into a puddle of guts stop her from freaking out about her secret leaking to the surface. Since it looks like her enemy isn't about to keep her mouth shut, Chloe gets desperate and turns to Nicole for some help in taking care of Carly. Meanwhile, Bill and Kate have a reunion and Sami gets advice from her relatives about what a bonehead she is. Outside of the Brady family reunion, Brady Black gets knocked off the wagon and falls face first into the rotten chowder drain behind the pub.

Lines of the week:

Mel: Think about how much fun we'll have spending all that money from your wrongful arrest settlement.

EJ: You come here and put your thumb in my eye and I have to do something about that. I'm sending you back to prison and if you think you'll get another pardon that would be the stupidest thing of all.

Jennifer: Do you have a baseball bat? There is a little conversation I'd like to have with him.

EJ: Desperation is you trying to get your hands on Brady. He's kind of like a puppy that isn't paper trained. Or one of those sad souls from one of those 90's boy bands watching his life pass by.

Vivian: But you couldn't stop thinking about Maggie tonight. What is going on Victor? Is she trying to seduce you with knitted sweaters and oatmeal cookies?


June 4, 2010
The wedding to Viv had no sooner come than Victor had gone to see Maggie rather than spend his evening with his bride. He and Maggie flirted and talked about dead people while Viv was left to stew and think about people she'd like to kill. Luckily, Gus returned to show her a little support. Viv tried to put a bright spin on things. She realized that Chloe was the highly suggestible type and suggested to her that she let her help kick Carly to the curb. The diva mulled it and then returned. Viv explained that they could give zombie Carly a very special elevator ride. Chloe wasn't following. In Salem, elevators are generally used as the cheapest kind of motel - the perfect place for some sleazy sex. Occasionally they're used for just going down and up though. After an episode or two, Chloe deciphered the elevator statement as a threat and realized they were going to kill the doctor. Since her fantasies about Daniel dumping her were more than she could handle, she decided to go along with it.

While Chloe contemplated turning Carly into a meat pancake, Mel continued to frazzle Philip with her endless moping over what was best for her daddy dearest. Philip tried to control his hair as she whined when her father declared that he would be rushing into tying the knot within twenty four hours. Chloe wanted it quicker but he thought Father Matt needed to be around to watch the ordeal. Philip finally managed to stop his wife's endless stream of babbling with promises of sex. Meanwhile, Steph and Nathan continued rolling around in her popcorn filled bed. When he pointed out that spawning is kind of a big deal and he wanted to wait until he was ready, the light went on in her head and she realized he was right. Since she doesn't seem to know any more about not getting pregnant than she does about doing it, she turned to her Auntie Adrienne to get the morning after pill and end her harebrained scheme.

Elvis was out to get someone's head on a platter. You could tell because he was decked out in pink again. He plopped himself down at the police station to offer himself as Ari's attorney. No one bothered to point out that he was also one of her supposed victims. He quickly set about trying to get his former drug dealer out of the clink while Brady paced around, bringing her fresh clothes and vainly trying to convince her he cared. But why does Elvis want to free a woman who tried to expose him as the head of a criminal cartel? To stick it to Nicole of course. His lingering loathing for the non-mother of his child was there in full force. It turned out that Nicole wasn't nearly as clever as she'd thought. Although she managed to frame Ari, she forgot that she was actually with her on the night of Justin's mugging. Meanwhile, Rafe rotted in a prison and Sami stood around.

But the big problem of the week was the missing treasure. Bo finally took the hint and looked under Hope's bed for the legendary treasure box their daughter is always gabbing about. It turned out to be an empty box. Apparently Hope is lucky that her daughter is a thief and stole all of the stolen wallets. The little girl spent most of the week walking around and talking to the wallets. Money is supposed to talk after all, but apparently credit cards are dumb. As Hope was about to launch her next and most personal attack, she noticed her daughter about to hand the wallets to Bo. Thanks to Dr. Baker, there was a distraction and she managed to swipe them before they could be handed to the cop. The doctor told her how much he's come to care about her. He held her in his arms... in the middle of the flower garden right in front of the living room window of Bo's house while Ciara was gorping at them.

It was a short week so not that much happened. Don't throw your shoes at me for it. Instead, enjoy another day without Sami, but if you really need to have her on your mind, here come the spoilers...  Actually, I lied. Samanther will be nearly absent. In her place will be something far more exciting - doughnuts. Next week, Julie and Maggie whip up a batch of Alice's doughnuts. They won't be the only thing Salemites will be swallowing though. Brady gets drugged by Dr. Dick. Stephanie wishes she'd been taking more drugs because she might be pregnant. Alice may need more drugs because her health is rapidly deteriorating. News of this makes Hope even more hopeless. Attempting to cling to hopes of a future with Daniel, Chloe pays Carly a visit and EJ continues his vendetta against Nicole.

Lines of the week:

Maggie: (to Victor) You can't get back where you never were. I always thought you were just an old reprobate.

Daniel: Then give me a toaster after we're married. That's what friends do.

Stephanie: I could really use some adult supervision.

Vivian: I'm sorry I'm cryptic


May 28, 2010
Will was beginning to feel the pull of the dark side. At least, that's how Sami saw it when she realized he's been chatting with Stefano. After spending most of his recent life in the company of Lucas and Sami, however, at least when he wasn't babysitting their children, a conversation with anyone else must seem positively stimulating. He is friends with Chad after all so it can't take that much to stimulate him. Anyway, Stefano started to lure Will in with promises of revenge and power. Will was down with that. Sami fretted to Caroline, but maybe she should have been teaming up with Madeline, who seems to hate Stefano almost as much as she does. She was doing her best to keep young master Peterson Woods away from Will and his wacky family, but it's proving hard to keep the boys apart.

Anna isn't a corpse but she can't talk anymore. While most people might be grateful for that, Rafe was supremely miffed. Not that it mattered since he was immediately dumped into jail for attempted murder. He sat around on his cot thinking about Sami and wondering what Luis would do in his situation (he got fried in the chair and then had to be brought back to life by a witch), until a man in a hood was dumped on him. Before it could turn into another jail cell romance, Rafe pulled the hood off and discovered it was Shane Donovan underneath, looking rather worse for wear. After catching up on how Sami has screwed up her life even more, they decided they better find a way to break out. But where can they go when the country they are trapped in is so secretive it doesn't even have a name?

Back in Salem, Old Bean Hernandez's sister wasn't fairing much better. Ari got plopped in the slammer. Although her cell was devoid of the requisite biotches and hoes, Brady did come by to see her and offer her his support. She was sure he thought she was guilty so she didn't want it. He moped away. She may have started changing her mind when the public defender showed up and advised her to plea since it looked like she didn't have a hope in hell of getting off, especially since she allegedly attacked half the town's law enforcement officers. But it turned out that Ari did have a hope in hell. Elvis swanned in and offered to get her off. She panted in confusion.

But most of the week was taken up by the wedding which was not quite as glorious as a Kiriakis wedding normally is. Just to rub it in, we were treated to flashbacks from Victor's many other wedding ceremonies. He seemed to start nodding off as one after another, his many former wives recalled their trip down the altar with him. Although we weren't treated to recollections of all of his other wedding nights, we did get to see him trying to block the entire event from his mind as it was happening. The second it was over, he went looking for a drink and his guests milled around to continue belittling Vivian. Poor Viv was left alone with all the people who hate her and not even a Gus to keep her company. Even Maggie noticed how nasty everyone was being and told them off for it when she wasn't busy insulting Viv herself. After berating Victor for being a meanie, she asked him to ditch his bride and run away. He tried using his eyebrows to flirt with her, but the shadow cast by her hair kept obscuring the view. The rest of the guests were morbidly bemused by the whole thing. After all, no one got killed this time, although Hope looked at Carly like she wanted to throttle her when she saw the bridal bouquet land in her arms. The only person who seemed to have a really good time at the wedding was Kate, who took care to spend a little time sneering at everyone. She made sure to tell Carly about Chloe's wandering libido, which seemed to be complete news to the doctor who flipped out and decided that she needed to tell Daniel everything.

Carly wasn't the only doctor making dubious decisions either. Nathan, demonstrating the intelligence that he's become known for, decided to ditch a research position as Johns Hopkins so he could stay in Salem and continue bedding Stephanie. And now onto the spoilers... if you don't want to know, go away now and forever hold your peace. Next week, Dr. Dick realizes that he'll never have any peace as long as he stays in Salem. Since blackmailing Nicole isn't going so well, he looks for another way out of town, especially after realizing that Hope plans to do something other than readjusting Bo's brain. While Hope is free as a bird, it looks like Ari may be doomed to be a jailbird. DA Woods tells her that she doesn't have a hope in hell since her alibi is crap. EJ isn't giving up hope though, not when he still has a chance of pinning this farrago on Nicole. While he tries to find a way to ruin his ex's wife, Mel tries to stop her father from ruining his life and Stephanie could be ruining Nate's life when she tells him that she might be preggers.

Lines of the week:

Chloe: Tomorrow is today.

Brady: My head is exploding.

Vivian: I will always be there for you.
Victor: Don't rub it in.

Stefano: This freaking out business is a waste of time.

Vivian: Can I get you an antacid?
Victor: How about an axe?

Victor: The wedding was more like a wake.

Nicole: Henderson sends texts? The man still has a Victrola.

Mel: He can't see past her big... eyes.

Kate: (to Sami) All you really have is a bunch of kids.


May 21, 2010
Elvis and Sami continued to fill Casa DiMera with awkward silences and longing glances. Will did his best not to puke. Stefano kept going outside to smoke so he could avoid them. Johnny did his best to interrupt them at inopportune moments. Allie did her best to forget all about them as she ate mango cookies in Hong Kong. Rolf watched it from his underground lair using the secret cameras he'd installed years ago and wished he'd just sprung for cable. And Syd did her best to sleep through it all. When Sami tore herself away, she received another lecture from Brady about how she wasn't thinking with her head again. As usual, she said that she still wanted Rafe back and then plodded back to EJ. Elvis was busy staring blankly and worrying to his father about Anna. Stefano wasn't worried. But how could he be? He already has to live with Sami - life couldn't get any worse.

After a drunken week of listening to Calliope babbling non-stop, it ended up being Anna who lost her voice. Once Rafe captured her and sat her down to poke her for information, her yapper started to stop. Although he wheeled out cake so she could produce some saliva to grease her jaw and spew the truth at him, she ended up face down in chocolate frosting thanks to a special poison Stefano had delivered. That's what happens when you eat at a mob resort. Anna didn't die though. She was wheeled to the hospital looking purple. Rafe got blue in the face as the doctor informed the old bean that Anna might never speak again.

Back in Salem, no one seemed to be able to shut up even though no one seemed sure they wanted to say anything. Daniel and Chloe went to a talking doctor to talk about how they can't talk about their problems. Then they went home to talk some more even though neither of them felt like talking. They tried having sex to avoid talking even more but she kept flashing back to Philip and his various body parts flying at her, which ruined the mood. Then they talked some more about how they can never talk to each other and how not talking is the real problem they need to talk about but can't. Eventually he had to button his pants and head back to work which left her to talk to herself. Nathan soon showed up after failing to talk to Mel about not knowing what to say about how he couldn't talk about something. Chloe worried that he said something to Daniel or someone else but he didn't. She ended up saying too much and Carly overheard her. Chloe then tried to pretend she didn't say anything which only made her say more and spill the fact that she cheated on Dr. Dan. Carly didn't even know what to say. Meanwhile, Mel didn't know if she should say anything to her dad about how Chloe was wrong for him. She was sure to say plenty to Stephanie though about how she was wrong for Nathan. As they fought over Steph's purse to see if there was any birth control in it, Maggie caught them and they challenged each other to say what they wanted to say. All the while Daniel went around to confront Philip, who had no idea what to say, which was lucky since Daniel wasn't actually talking about what Philip thought he was. It soon became apparent that the doctor was still unenlightened about what Philly and the diva did in the dark.

Babs returned to Salem with less marrow but just as much bone. After Carly cleaned his whiskers with her face, they went to that ever popular Salem hangout, the hospital. Everyone was there: Roman, Abe, Ari, Brady, Nicole and, of course, Hope. Roman had his noggin knocked by Hope outside the pub. Dr Dick, at the behest of nasty Nicole, then planted evidence pointing the blame at Ari. Showing lightning speed, the SPD managed to put all of this together in a matter of moments and level the blame at Ari, who was without an alibi since it was one of those nights of the week when she fought with Brady and then slept alone (that's every second night for those who keep count). Things were awkward for everyone, except Nicole, who seemed to be wearing a pink fluorescent outfit to distract from the fact that she was smirking so broadly.

Now onto the spoilers for next week. You know the drill: Avoid them or don't say I didn't warn you. And for all of the Canadians out there, enjoy celebrating the Queen's birthday, which just happens to be my birthday as well come to think of it, so have a pint at the pub for me. Next on a very special Days of Our Lives... Sami can't stop complaining about how worried she is that Will could get caught up in Stefano's charisma. Chloe looks to Nicole for advice about what to do now that Carly is really all up in her business. Baker notices once again that Salem is full of freaks. Steph notices once again that something is off in Philip other than his leg. Viv and Victor prepare to take the plunge and Maggie notices he isn't so bad after all. Could she crash the wedding? She might want to hurry since the town could go into another spasm as Hope prepares to crush Babs' brain, or one of his more useful organs.

Lines of the week:
Will: Your life is in the toilet, so you punish me because I'm flunking algebra.

Stephanie: Next time you want to start acting out your fantasies you might think about the people who will get hurt.

Nicole: That's right, I'm sure someone with Arianna's limited abilities couldn't be doing this.

Nathan: You ever considered sex addiction therapy?



May 14, 2010
The den at Casa DiMera became a den of dubious amorousness as Sami and Elvis camped out there to exchange longing looks, awkward glances, casual sneers, curling lips, backward compliments and take part in blinking competitions, staring competitions, races to rants and leave the occasional wet spot on the furniture (only from swimming). The din of excitement was sporadically interrupted. Since the possibility of EJ kissing Sami again seemed omnipresent, and since, in Salem, that almost certainly leads to pregnancy, Will and Stefano were recruited by the gods of decency in Daytime to act as birth control. Will dropped in to gag and tell his mom how much he hated her. Stefano dropped in to gag and remind his son that his plans could all go up in smoke.

Anna remained in her secluded resort attempting to sober up in her cabana. Calliope continued to babble to Rafe who tried to keep her calm. After all the time he's spent dealing with Sami, he should be able to calm an Icelandic volcano. While Rafe forced himself to watch the endless blathering of the two drunken blond women, Anna finally figured things out and ripped the wire off of Calliope's cleavage. She tried to run but the flatfoot got to her first and pushed her to answer his endless question: Who was behind the Sydnapping?

Nicole stumbled upon Dr. Dickie Baker thanks to her investigation of Salem's lucrative underground gambling operations. He wasn't happy to see his former partner in crime. After he explained how he managed to fool Sami and Rafe into believing he was dead, she blackmailed him into helping her out again. This time around, she decided to frame Ari for the muggings and get her out of Brady's life. Meanwhile, Mia sporadically decided to leave this week. Dude, it was the right thing to do. Chad moped around and wondered why his mommy dearest was so desperate to boot him out of town. Maddie wasn't into answering. She entered into another sparring match with Kate and they called each other out for both being former call girls.

Gus settled into Salem more, but the boredom was killing him. That's what happens when you move from a scintillating and murderous spot on the other side of the world, full of all manner of eccentricities and indulgences as well as the finest things in life, and get dropped into the doldrums of America's green beer and clam chowder capital. Although Salem may be 'weird' as Carly kept claiming in an attempt to give herself a personality that would distinguish her from the lamppost at the pier, it's still the kind of place where it's hard to find a decent scone. Perhaps Gus was simply getting bored thanks to the ongoing wedding preparations. Vivian was starting to worry that her special day was in danger after spotting Victor being cozy with Maggie. She decided to put the plans into overdrive and moved the wedding day up. Victor nearly lost his lunch at the news and did a bona fide spit take.

Chloe continued to fret and talk to herself in public. Viv couldn't help but overhear her gabbing about how she wanted to bust Carly's skanky bodonkadonk and decided to chime in and pour some more poison into the diva's ear. Although, with Chloe, that means it instantly falls out the other side, she  continued to second guess herself and started to wonder if everything that's been happening has just been the result of her thoughts not playing fair with reality. She attempted to confess to bonking Philly to Dr. Dan but he was determined that he was the bad guy in all of this. He obviously didn't study psychology when he was in school. Seeing that the idea of her simply opening her heart, let alone other organs, to Philip made Daniel so distraught, she ended up keeping her mouth shut.

Okay, you know the drill. We're now moving onto the spoilers. If you don't want to know, run away now and enjoy a weekend of picking strawberries and entering cheesecake eating competitions. Otherwise... next week, Stephanie realizes something... again. Since it takes her awhile to figure anything out, the third time may prove to be a charm as she realizes that something is wrong with Philip. She nearly guesses that something other than his detachable leg has been wandering where it shouldn't. While he is trapped between two women, Dr. Baker is in a similar situation, minus any hope of sex. Nicole and Hope could both make his life miserable or end it. Meanwhile, Chloe worries that her life could end when her imaginary enemy, Carly, decides that she doesn't want to keep her secret after all. That doesn't mean she won't waste some time lecturing Nathan about his confused libido. And speaking of confused libidos: Sami continues to warm to EJ and Daniel turns to Father Matt for marital advice.

Lines of the week:

Viv: You could at least act like you're interested in these wedding preparations.

Victor: That would be like enjoying the preparation for a colonoscopy.

Vivi: If I can pretend I don't want to kill Carly why can't he pretend he wants to marry me?

Anna: I will never drink again. I will never drink again... at least until lunch.

Sami: Maybe you can be mates meeting at the pub for a pint.

Brady: You think I'm a Neanderthal with a one track mind? Yeah, it has a little to do with that.

Nicole: Either Brady and I head into the sunset together, or you end up keeping house with Bubba in Cell Block C.

Victor: I always make it a point to confuse people.



May 7, 2010
The Salem mugger struck again this week but that was the least of the mugging going on around town. Apparently sleeping pills in Salem can equip people with the power to become tattoo artists overnight. Hope pounded on Brady's head and then tore off his shirt. Baker was expecting something kinky, but instead he got to see something weird. Hope made an elaborate tattoo on one of his pecs to announce her presence to the world. Besides developing a secondary personality, we discovered that Hope is actually a bit of an anthropologist. Snapping back into her normal persona, she offered Roman an extensive analysis of the significance of Brady's tattoo. After much chin stroking, nothing was discerned. Brady's family filed in and out of his room. Since Nicole saved his life, and what was left of his brains from the alley cats that get chased away from the pub every night, he decided to forgive her for throwing her cleavage in his face. It seems as though Mr. Black is still unclear about whether he wants the benefits of friendship or a friend with benefits.

Still feeling threatened by her own insecurity and lack of much resembling plot direction, Stephanie decided to do the one thing that all young women with nothing better to do on Daytime do: Get pregnant. Rather than put holes in a condom or seduce a random drunkard, she did the easy thing and dropped her birth control pills in the trash so Nate could knock her up and she could stake her claim. Too bad for her that the town's one bag lady found them and brought them to the hospital. Nurse-in-training Mel did what she's always done and instantly, and for little reason, dove into the bag of a homeless person to retrieve them. She then confronted her frenemy about it and they debated who had loser tattooed on their forehead the largest.

Calliope took a kayak and a llama all the way to the middle of nowhere to arrive at a nearly empty massage resort. Rafe used her tax problems to hook her into a scheme to get a confession out of Anna. Since neither woman has the ability to keep their mouths shut, this seemed like a sure way to do the deed. The fact that they rapidly got pissed on pineapple juice and rum didn't hurt either. Calliope screeched her way through a recap of the last year of the show while Rafe waited for the other shoe to drop.

Back in Salem, towels were dropping. Elvis doddered around Casa DiMera worrying that Sami would slip away from his leering glances again. Pretty soon, she threatened to do just that. She flipped and declared that she was moving back to the townhouse before she'd even taken off her shoes. Moments later, she flopped back to declare that she couldn't move because the townhouse was flooded. Apparently tears are not enough – you have to actually smash the water tank. This was Stefano's doing and EJ got giddy. While his father was busy trying to put together his weather machine, EJ and Sami had a heart to heart about the kiss he gave her when his head was bashed in. He claimed he couldn't recall but she could still taste the brain goo that had dripped onto her lips. They looked longingly at each other. He has no outlet for his urges since Nicole put him off porn. They swam and then she massaged him until he nearly collapsed.

While Sami was contemplating working in a massage parlor, Chloe still couldn't shake the suspicion that Daniel had been diving for pearls with Carly. She exploded, being pissed on Red Bull and scotch didn't hurt either, and confronted both of them. The doctors were bewildered. Chloe was so confused even her eyebrows didn't know what to do. Over at the pub, Gabi picked up the moping regimen since Mia has slacked off. Chad and his mother were there to argue. She forbade him to spend time with Will, so he did it anyway. The two of them accidentally discovered a photo of Kate with Madeline and Chad instantly confronted his mom about it. She instantly ran to Kate to warn her that her life would be all kinds of hell if she didn't get a lid on this and shove their secret back in the closet.

Anyway, now the spoilers. For those of you who don't want to have their week spoiled, please run off now to a weekend of pineapples, papayas, mango chutneys and tattoo designing. For the rest of you... if you're not a fan of the couple known as EJami, make sure your gag reflex is in working order because next week they'll be back to making pie eyes at each other. While they are trying to figure out what other kinds of pie they can make, Ari notices that she's actually the one who has major issues in her relationship with Brady. Since he only has half a brain at this point it's good that she can do the thinking for both of them. Of course, she can't do all of his thinking. The little head in his southern region is busy thinking about Nicole. Meanwhile, Viv exploits Chloe's pea sized brain to recruit her to do her bidding. As she steps up her battle against Carly, the DiMera family starts to prep for a new war. Madeline's secret comes out and heads could roll.

Lines of the week:
EJ: I just must've thought I was in a different time and place. It's been a long time since we had any feelings.

Sami: "It isn't a stretch to say Will and I grew up together.

Anna: Where is Eugene?
Calliope: Deep sea fishing. Probably trying to get a loan from a marlin. So I have some time and we can chat.

Nicole: I'm Nicole DiMera! I'm never done.

Nicole: This washed up old porn star is going to make sure Brady sees the light.

Melanie: It feels like she's judging me... like maybe she thinks I'm too loud, maybe I smile too big, maybe I talk too much.


April 30, 2010
Dr. Dick returned to Salem to discover that it had barely changed at all. Why he would go back there when he could have just as easily gone anywhere else in the world is anyone's guess. Perhaps he should have gone to Hawaii so his shirts wouldn't make him stick out so badly...  He was instantly trapped into a weird business relationship with Hope; maybe his garish fashion sense reminded her of Babs. The doctor showed he's still a pillar of compassion and stopped her from killing Elvis at Salem's local corpse depot - the pier. They ran off with his cash and cards, leaving him to the mercy of fair Samanther. As she pushed his brain back into his skull, his lips sprang to attention and he licked her lips. She got confused. That didn't abate as the week went on. Rafe tried to talk to her but realized...

...read the rest of these thoughts here.


April 23, 2010
Nicole began her new career as a journalist. Although everyone found this a tad odd, once they remembered that she was no stranger to being in front of the camera, they got over it. Her first interview was Abe, who seemed completely unchanged after having the back of his head smashed in. Although the mayor wasn't entirely co-operative with her, the same could be said for her new PA, who just happened to be Arianna.

Ciara and Tommy Bear had a busy week of sneaking around the mansion. She had gotten into trouble for stealing stickers from her teacher, but what was really screwing up her week was her mom's wacky behavior. Hope broke her frosty exterior to tell the little girl that Justin might be her new daddy. Ciara was thrilled, but, by the next day, Hope was insisting that what she said could have only taken place in an alternative reality. Unfortunately, it's not clear what difference that would make. The little girl also discovered a mysterious box under her mother's bed and told her bear that there were big secrets at work. Hope told Justin that she wanted to go to bed early (it was so early, everyone else in town was still eating breakfast) so she slipped into her room to change her clothes and fondle her gun. Arching her eyebrows, she ran out into the night to win the shirts off of some men in an underground gambling den where she just happened to run into Dr. Dick looking marginally more alive than the last time we saw him.

Across town, Tommy Bear's friend the Laughing Penguin got to witness the ongoing EJ and Sami floor show as they lurched into yet another debate about who will be watching the children and where. To simplify things, she packed up Allie and sent her to get babysat by Lucas in Hong Kong. It's a good thing too because she needed the extra room to vent after Elvis asked her to move in with him at the mansion. Although Stefano wants the kids back in the fold, he wasn't including their mother in that, whatever her mental age may be. Elvis ran around town wondering what to do next when he bumped into Dr. Dick at Salem's fun spot - the pier. Elvis' shock was short-lived, however, since Hope clobbered his noggin and then pondered kicking his body into the harbor. Maybe he should hope for death since the last person to be dropped in the water ended up floating into Carly's lap.


Attempting to be the ideal Stepford wife for Daniel didn't seem to be going well for Chloe, but lucky for her, Vivian nominated the unemployed diva for a different role. After seeing how paranoid Chloe was about Daniel and Dr. Manslaughter, she told Gus that the angry queen of cleavage was in prime shape to be an assassin. Immediately, she set about programming disaster by dropping crumbs of carnal concern for Chloe which she readily gobbled up to come to the wrong conclusion. Meanwhile, after their mutual obsession with each other boggled his mind to the point that he couldn't think straight and he had a patient die on him, Nathan decided to finally finalize the fine feelings he and Mel feel, or felt, or could possibly feel. She told him everything about the letter and then announced that it was all over. She kissed him goodbye. By virtue of astoundingly bad timing, among other things, Philly witnessed this. Since it made him nauseous, he decided that at least he should have a buzz too and started pounding back the booze in his flask. Soon, he was so pissed even his hair was drunk and started making passes at lampposts. He slicked it back and stumbled onto Chloe's doorstep. She may not have been drunk, but she was pretty pissed too. They talked about their sleazy loved ones and decided to prove themselves just as sleazy. He unzipped her dress. She unzipped his pants. She took off her top and he took off his leg. After he hobbled back home in a post-coital daze, Mel leaped into his arms to tell him everything that happened with Nate. Across town, Chloe tried to search for Daniel to confront him and soon discovered that he was asleep in a hospital bed after having his eyes zapped with lasers.

Now, if you don't want your eyes to gaze upon what will visit the denizens of America's chowder capital next week, look away now and enjoy a weekend of basking in the smell of springtime. Otherwise, here are the spoilers... It looks like Hope doesn't have time to finish EJ off because he wakes up in Sami's arms. The pitter patter of her tears clear the blood off his face. Intimate moments follow. Maybe seeing EJ on the brink of death reminded Sami of their wedding day? At any rate, Rafael is nearby to see them together. It's not long before Stefano hears about EJ having his brain re-arranged again. Elvis casts instant suspicion on Nicole and she turns to her old partner in crime, Stefano himself, to help her out of the jam. And speaking of jams, Philip and Chloe find themselves in another one after their languid talk of their libidinal layover reaches the ears of Nathan. Will he tell? Who can tell what will happen next, especially since Hope appears to be joining forces with Dr. Baker. The doctor is broke and desperate and Hope is finding herself in dire straits as well thanks to what seems to be a pill addiction.

In this week one year ago: Nicole married EJ, Philip was shot in the chest, Stefano collapsed from diabetes for the first time and Brady went shirtless for a couple of episodes.

Lines of the week:
Philip: Everything I believed about my marriage is a lie. All you need to know is I'm an idiot.

Hope: I feel like I don't know what's going on in your head.
Ciara: I don't know what's inside your head either, Mommy.
Hope: I don't know what you mean by that.

Vivian: I'm going to make her into a weapon of Manning destruction.

Arianna: Do you just do this when I'm around or are you always a bitch?

Chloe: I talked with Daniel this morning, but I kept thinking Carly would show up in a teddy with some sticky buns.

Sami: Life is complicated.
Rafe: That's deep.

EJ: (to Baker) You! You're dead!

 

April 16, 2010

Oh Elvis... your naughtiness finally caught up with you... sort of. Stefano finally had it out with his weird little boy about his Sydnapping shenanigans. Elvis tried to threaten his way out of it and failed abysmally. He was stuck pouting, biting his lip and looking like he'd wet the bed while his father mulled his fate and giggled. It turns out that papa Stefano is actually proud of his son for being such a dastardly little bastard. Hugs all around. "I couldn't have done it better myself," he said, which, considering how badly EJ actually bungled it, leads one to wonder how Stefano has survived for so long. If it wasn't for the stupidity of their old enemies, the Bradys, it would be totally preposterous. EJ was forced to do an about face and cart the children out of Marlena's townhouse and over to Casa DiMera, which is quickly becoming a nursery dedicated to Sami's stray children. Sami made faces, though the bruises she received last week seemed to stop her from turning into a blowfish like usual. When she wasn't exploding at EJ, she was blaming all of her problems on Rafe and trying to get back into his pants. He continued to show that his will is as hard as his head and would not be swayed back to her love shack.

Philip called upon all of his training as a stealth fighter and special agent to try and figure out how Mel's mind works. Unfortunately, discerning Mel's thought patterns is harder than finding imaginary bunkers in the desert. Like most couples in Salem, when they realized they shouldn't be together, they denied it and had sex to forget their doubts. Philly milled around town unable to shake his doubts while Stephanie and Nathan had sex to forget theirs. After he climbed out of bed and went to work, Mel arrived at the hospital so they could share some anti-septic awkwardness. Philip watched from a distance until he found something better to do. The non-couple were soon pushed together again when someone died on Nathan's watch, leading Mel to give him the patented, 'I'll be there for you' pat on the knee. If it was a hundred years ago, the moment might have almost verged on being pornographic.

Brady thought he was being funny in bed by writing a big check for Nicole. Ari, like the rest of her family, doesn't exactly have a sense of humor, so she took the check to Nicole and tried to buy her out of town. When Brady popped up later, Nicole chucked the money in his face. That seemed to turn him on and that scared him, so he ran away with his tail between his legs. Moments later, he was forced to return to stop the two women fighting over his baloney from pummeling each other in the pub. But this public display of loathing did have an upside: It made it onto the news. Philip saw it and decided that Nicole was perfect for talk TV, after all, she already has a criminal record. Meanwhile, Ari's brother had a slew of problems. He was finally released from his office/jail cell after Roman discovered that Justin's attack was identical to Woods' so Rafe couldn't be guilty.

Justin got his head smashed in, which instantly caused Hope to re-evaluate her feelings for him. Is it because a brain injury reminds her of Bo? At least this time head smashing didn't lead to psychic visions. All of a sudden, the ice queen melted and they practically began flirting. Is it because someone else could be interested in him? Maybe... Carly kept prodding Adrienne about Justin. The barista and Dr. Manslaughter became roommates and will now be living right across the hall from Daniel. Shockingly, this happy news was not greeted with the greatest of joy by Chloe. She kept trying to stop herself from worrying, but when she caught Carly trying to teach Daniel the importance of depth perception in surgical practice, her head nearly imploded. Chloe continued to feel insecure. But why? Now Daniel has two of you when he takes you to bed? Is it because that won't last and going back down to one woman might even make Carly seem appealing?

While this week in Salem wasn't exactly the most eventful period in its history and likely would have benefited from more footage of Daniel's double vision, an extraneous use of monkey butlers, a great deal more drunken conversation, some superfluous topless scenes, Kate testing fifty different chowder recipes, Elvis teaching Johnny how to shave so he'll be prepared when he's SORASed, ducks outwitting Sami in the park, Victor and Viv actually appearing, dialogue for Sami and Rafe randomly generated by a computer, Adrienne setting up a petting zoo for camels at the back of the Cheatin' Heart and various other things, next week looks like it could be mildly more amusing. So you know what's coming next... the spoilers. If you don't want to know, avoid the following. Melanie and Nathan continue to fight their feelings. That doesn't go so well and they kiss, but since this is Salem, that could mean they are trying to move on. Unfortunately for them, Philly witnesses the ghastly deed. He wanders around town traumatized and begins feeling as hollow as Chloe's facial expressions. For her part, going to church semi-regularly seems to have made Chloe far more open about her contempt for other people. Daniel interrupts her as she goes into a rant against all things Carly. It looks like her hate might find a new way to vent itself too. Viv notices her malice and decides to use her in another underhanded bid to finish the job and kill zombie Carly once and for all. And the criminal gene continues to show itself in the Kiriakis family. It turns out that Ciara has become a thief, which worries her mother... but it's not like Ciara is the Salem mugger. Hope ends up running into someone unexpected and Elvis once again does something more than slightly creepy when he invites Sami and the children to live with him at the mansion.

Lines of the week:
Sami: Do you know how naïve that makes me? It's embarrassing.

Chloe: Your Baloney Has A First Name — It's B-R-A-D-Y

Hope: The axe being me.

Sami: Now my son wants to move into the House of Frankenstein with you and Frau Blucher.

Ari: Brady wouldn't take your advice. It was more my idea to slow down. Brady is too good to abandon someone as needy as you. you mess with me and you won't like what happens.

Sami: It's not like he eats his children.

April 9, 2010
It was a week of rants in Salem. Although that's hardly unusual, this time they weren't all spouting from Samanther's gob (just most of them). Unfortunately, this didn't leave much room for pithy remarks and they all seemed reserved for the end of the week when Vivian finally came out of hiding and Roman was once again forced to realize that he spawned one of the world's dumbest blondes.

Elvis impressed Sami with his ability to pour milk on breakfast cereal, a feat which few of the other men she's slept with could master. She leaped to the conclusion that such skills must mean that he has become a new, more sensitive man. They talked about how much they both like the new him but the EJ fan festival was rained on when Little Will returned, all grown up. After years of being Sami's cheap babysitter, he rebelled. This wasn't like when he ran away from home though. This time he let her know what a twit she is and pointed out that getting Syd back just doomed yet another spawn of hers to the same misery. Young William didn't demonstrate Lucas' wisdom, however, and turned to Kate for help. She invited him to live with her... and it looks like there could be space opening up at Casa DiMera.

Stefano easily hunted down Anna at her yoga retreat under a rock by following the trail of shoes she left behind. He interrupted her relaxing massage by introducing his death grip. It didn't take long for her to crack and she coughed up Elvis' name. Stefano was reluctant to accept it for a moment so she played him a voicemail which EJ, in his infinite wisdom, left behind. Grandpa Stefano choked on his rage and then went home to lure his Sami-retarded son into a game of chess. Elvis was smug until he lost. His father chucked the Sydnappery in his face. EJ did his best to control the muscles in his face from going completely haywire. He threw a tantrum, and furniture, while threatening to throw his father to the curb. Stefano remained unimpressed by his psycho son's perpetual death threats and snickering. Before EJ could try to open his father with a letter opener, Sami crashed the killfest, fresh from a lengthy reminder from her father that she's so dumb you're more likely to have a clever conversation with clam chowder.

Across town, Kenzie has been completing the dream of all underage girls in Salem. She's working in the grotty pub. Apparently, Caroline has decided that the pub should be run like most other places in America and staffed almost entirely by poorly paid child labor. To compensate for this, she's been photographing everyone who walks in and putting them in a collage. Nicole stopped in to sneer at her about this and muse about the demise of Brady's relationship with Ari. Then she flitted over to the mansion to stir up trouble between them and Ari demanded that he give her more of a say.

Chad's mother suddenly materialized right after her husband, the DA, was put in traction by a mugger. The DA had a little tiff with Rafe the previous evening and, since Rafe lost his cool and went for his jugular over Bennie being bailed out, the DA assumed that the fed was after him. Sami did what she does best and showed up to lie when unasked, which led to another bust up for the non-couple. Even Hope could hardly bare to be around them.

Babs cleaned himself up and tried to romance Carly. She didn't want romance though, just marshmallows and trashy TV. Her passion for laziness turned him on. When they weren't sucking face, he received a call from his mother telling him that Kimberly needed his bone marrow. Babs and Dr. Dan fretted about leaving Carly alone while Vicious Viv was on the prowl so Daniel offered to look after her. Ever since he cracked his head open and zombie Carly slipped half of his brain back in he has been under her spell. Daniel continued to prove that the female mind is a complete mystery to him. Luckily for him, none of the women in his life actually seem to have minds. Unfortunately, whatever is ticking in their skulls is still an unknown quantity. Chloe did her best to play the wife from a 1950s sitcom, which went about as well as the rest of her performing career. Her brunch with Daniel, Mel and Philip was cut short when the double visioned doctor was called back to work to supervise Carly using her knife on an old man. Watching her mother slice and dice a bladder back together melted the plastic that makes up Mel's heart. She decided that her gooiness was ripe once again to be reshaped by nurses' school and asked Carly to let her back in. It's not like she was ever actually going to leave for her honeymoon anyway. Philip attempted to lure her out of the spell Carly was casting by offering her a gig on TV, one which even Chloe turned down.

Are there more alluring things on the horizon? Maybe... so you know what that means. It's time for the spoilers. Run away if you don't want to know. Next week promises increased turmoil for Mel and Philly as he catches her in an awkward moment with Nate and discussing her letter writing skills with Steph. Since he isn't there to give Chloe advice, Nicole fills in for him and tells the diva to fight tooth and nail for Daniel before he gets tunnel vision for Carly. Meanwhile, Adrienne worries about the path Justin is headed down and Brady thinks that his half-sister is putting the peak on her monument of screw ups.

Lines of the week:
Will: This is Grandma Marlena's house! You couldn't afford a cardboard box on the sidewalk!

Brady: I can't stop you from inventing your own reality but you aren't going to invent mine.

Melanie: Wow. The look Chloe gave Daniel could stop a clock.

Roman: (to Sami) Talk about idiotic.

Vivian: Lawrence felt safe until you plunged the knife into him.

Vivian: Oh, Carly, you do have the men fawning all over you. It's like Bo has an understudy. Tonight the role of the knight in shining armor will be played by...

Will: EJ can stay here but I can't stay there?
Sami: EJ is here, but it's only temporary.
Will: Then I'll stay at the DiMera mansion temporarily.

Father Matt: You've got some clueless dude there, Chloe.

 

April 2, 210
Daniel was busy trying to have a family moment with Mel at the pub, Salem's family fun zone. He may not have raised her, but his blood is flowing through her and he's had his hands in her guts so they're already more than intimate. Carly arrived to rain on their parade. Mel flounced off and the doctor ran after her and slipped, cracking open his cranium. His brain slid across Salem, attempting to escape from his inevitable reunion with Chloe. They chased it down and shoved it back in his head just as the diva arrived at the hospital, fresh from a fright session with Victor, to spass all over Carly for sucking up Daniel's life. Mel defended her mom. Carly got sentimental about the past they never had. Mel pouted until her lips almost fell off. Carly tried but she was even less successful. She didn't have to mimic her daughter too much though since the blood which is now boiling on Dr. Dan's brain is causing him to have double vision. Now his world is as repetitive as the dialogue. Mel was still seeing double too. She couldn't shake her feelings for the two men she loves. Nate drifted around town like a lost puppy. Philly stood around wondering if he should bother being jealous. Hearing that Viv was marrying his father quickly stunted any chance at domestic peace that he was hoping for though.

Hope proved that being hopeful seems to ruin other people's hopes for happiness. Justin gave her a tongue lashing to compensate for...

Read the rest of this on the blog!


March 26, 2010
Babs paraded around town with his leathers on this week. He went to his daddy and told the old sour puss that he would personally put Viv in the ground, dead or alive, and dance on her grave until they carted him off to jail if necessary simply to protect Carly. The thought of this horrified Victor so much that he tried to end this debacle the only way he knew how -- by asking Viv to marry him. Her new Louise Brooks style haircut wasn't giving her the boost in confidence she needed though and she seemed utterly lost about what to do. After exchanging another round of threats with Babs and his pump in pumps, she seemed bewildered that he could love her enough to ruin the lives of his own children by putting himself in jail for her. Carly was impressed and began cleaning his mustache with her tongue. Viv traipsed back to the mansion just as sad as can be. She agreed to marry Victor... and just subject Carly to psychological torture from hereon in. He thought that sounded swell.

Since wedding bells in Salem are normally accompanied by gun shots, Brady and Ari did the wise thing and ran off to Santo Domingo for a quickie ceremony. He wanted them to get married in their bathing suits but she said that wasn't on so he gave her a pearl necklace and sent her upstairs to try on a dress. The pearl necklace spilled on the floor. The Tiki barmaid interpreted that as a sign of premature bad luck. When Ari went downstairs, she discovered Nicole with her lips all over Brady's face. She insisted it was just her way of saying 'goodbye' (...if her timing had been more off, maybe she could have seen how a former porn star says 'hello'). Arianna assumed she was after him. Nicole was but claimed she just wanted him to be happy. Her mother suddenly materialized to hand her a wad of cash and ruin the threesome's reunion. Ari and Brady ran away while the mother and daughter argued.

News of Nicole's freedom spread around the town with slightly more success than a game of telephone. After Nicole poured a few more threats in Anna's ear, Anna managed to blackmail a pardon out of the governor. It turns out that Misty Circle isn't the only Salemite with porn experience. Anna called upon her years of knowledge, a bag of toys and a few narcotics, to give the governor a night he could never remember. He didn't have to though since she recorded the whole thing. The pictures and video were enough to inspire him to be merciful to Nicole so that he wouldn't have to seek mercy from his wife. As soon as the deed was done, he asked Anna to finish wearing out the batteries while he was still sober. Pretty soon, Rafe brought the news of the pardon to Victor, who tipped him off about Anna. Then Rafe brought the news to Sami and EJ and tipped them off about Anna. EJ twitched and repeated that this was all his fault so many times it was like his batteries were dying. Sami didn't understand. She didn't seem to understand much at all actually and barely shed a tear all week (although she got close when Rafe suggested that she doesn't know how to type; she did work hard falsifying all those hospital records after all). While she stared off at the wall, Rafe and EJ went to Casa DiMera to tell Stefano and Kate that Anna was the Sydnapper. They all pondered who could have been in this with her since Anna can barely be trusted to dress herself. EJ probably should have been more worried that Theo already discovered that Syd was with him the whole time and called him out on it.

Meanwhile, the rest of the town had romantic problems of their own. Will moped over to the mansion, even though he was grounded, to complain to Grannie Kate about how Mia ripped out his heart and spit all over his love and other mushy feelings. She said he did the right thing dumping her and then started to think about where she could dump her body. For their part, Mia and Chad touched tongues a lot. Gabi decided to torture herself by hanging out at the cafe to watch until they fell into the Salem pattern and broke up. She was less tortured that Melanie, however, who seemed so terrified of what she would say to Nathan when he went to confront her about her letter that she nearly stuck her fist in her mouth. It turned out that the letter really amounted to nothing so Nate returned to the hospital to ask his frequent mattress moll if they could be more than friends again. The romantic miscalculation of the week, however, came from Hope, who called Adrienne to come half way across the world. She claimed that Justin was missing her, but when Adrienne saw him, he seemed much more concerned to tell Hope that he loved her.  

And now... onto the spoilers. If you don't want to feast your eyes on the madness which next week promises, avert your gaze now and enjoy a pleasant weekend of catching butterflies so you can race them, kayaking in the street gutters and taking a safari at your local zoo. Of course, if you are an EJami you'll probably be spending the weekend panting or taking sleeping pills to make the time pass faster. Next week, realizing that he's being backed into a corner, Elvis brings out the big guns when Sami is moping after Agent Yesterday to tell her that he still feels the love for her in his loins. Is this part of his scheme to get her back, or have fantasies of Nicole and her army of prison bitches finally overwhelmed him and pushed him to taking desperate measures for a little relief? Nicole is busy pondering her next move. Her mother hopes it isn't something stupid like returning to Salem, but Nic doesn't do things to make her mother happy. As Pookie runs around town looking for her human mother, Philip asks his mother-in-law to do the decent thing and stay away from Melanie for the sake of her sanity. Dr. Manslaughter may not be in the mood to listen, but someone else already has Mel's ear. Nathan talks to her and Philly ends up catching the pair in an awkward moment. Mel may have more to worry about though, like the fact that Victor and Viv are still plotting against her mom.

Lines of the week:
Victor: (to Viv) Asking you to be merciful is like asking a dog not to bark.

EJ: You're a corrupt parasite.
Governor: Who else goes into politics?

Arianna: I came in here and she was sticking her tongue down your throat.
Brady: She was saying goodbye.
Arianna: It looked more like hello to me.

Mia: You can't walk away. We had a baby together.

Sami: I thought Nicole didn't have a friend in the world except Brady and... Tweedledum.

Adrienne: I just flew halfway around the world because Hope thinks we're not happy?

Gabi: Guys... they suck.


March 19, 2010
It was St. Paddy's week in Salem, not that you'd know it from the way things went. Absent was the usual rush for green beer which had been carefully dyed by Shawn Brady and stored in the basement of the pub for years to ferment into the sludge which would spill through the town's streets on the day after the sacred holiday. Then again, the Brady's weren't exactly in the mood to be festive. Although little Syd was back in the family fold, the Carly related debacle continued to plague many members of the clan.

Max drifted through town on a jaunt across the ocean on his way to a medical conference. Since someone had tipped him off that his sister was no longer his sister and now had a hole in her chest as big as her mouth, he thought that he should drop in to see her when he wasn't helping Caroline clean gum off the pub's tables. They agreed that even if they aren't blood relatives, they are still related; after all, that's the way most of the Brady family already is related. She sobbed ad nauseum. He smiled and seemed to think "Blue Mountain State" most of the time. Then he went to the pub to bicker with Philip about the way he treats women. After that macho action, Babs showed up to mock his brother's lack of finesse at sprouting facial fuzz.

Babs had other things to worry about though. Not only was everyone staying sober for St. Pat's this year, Carly "the town pump" was on trial and he was in danger of having his water turned off. In a desperate attempt to remedy this situation, he did everything he knew how to do, which basically amounted to stomping and yelling and accusing anyone who disagreed with him of being a liar. Once he shut up, Mel managed to pull herself from her sick bed and up to the stand. Though the defense objected, Carly insisted that her daughter he allowed to speak. Carly was trying to be noble and that's not something anyone in Salem can deal with. Mel sobbed and sighed her way through the turgid details of her crapulent life's journey until she finally said that none of this was the fault of her mom. Carly was let off the hook. Everyone went down to the pier to return to exchanging threats. Kate heard the news and ran to Viv to gush. Vivian nearly exploded. She lurched out to stalk Carly down at their usual haunt. But, by the end of the week, Daniel was barreling into full daddy mode and sputtering out threats to Viv. She seemed more concerned about missing her manicure than anything he could muster.

Now that he has Syd back to cling to his bosom on a nine to five basis, Elvis spouted off to the little mite some more about his future plans for her mommy. He told the child that he's planning to make Sami love him more than ever just so that he can chew up her heart, spit it out, stomp on it, pick it up, put it in a blender, make it into soup with the leftover Brady beer he collected as it dripped into the gutter and then serve it back to her with some rancid shrimp. The first step was moving in with her in her tiny townhouse with its two rooms, no kitchen and unknown amount of children and guests. Things continued to get uncomfortable as Rafe made faces and Ari and Brady dropped by to show off the new rock for her collection. While Sami pondered actually getting a job since, now that she has all of her children back to look after, she can hire someone else to do it, Theo managed to prove that he's the best investigator in town when he got Johnny to tell him all about how Syd has been safe and sound all along.

Nicole continued to clean the state pen with her trusty toothbrush and ponder whether she should find a way out to get revenge and win back Brady's heart, or start her own prison prostitution and internet porn ring. While thinking of the second, Anna suddenly leaped into her mind and she realized that she must be the Sydnapper. She called her over and they had a lengthy confrontation where Anna tried to keep her eyes off of Nicole's glowing orange clothes. Nicole held her attention with frequent threats. First, she threatened to go to the cops or the feds, but even Anna's not dumb enough to consider them a threat. Once she turned to threats of going to Stefano and making Anna her new bitch, Anna gave in and agreed to hunt down her old mattress partner, Governor Ford, and ask him to grant Nicole a pardon. No matter how many eyelashes she batted his way, he insisted he wasn't going to let Salem's tabloid queen out and land himself on a reality TV show for disgraced politicians. His steadfastness lasted about as long as it usually does in the political world and within a few minutes he seemed perfectly willing to open the latch for Nicole if Anna was willing to open something else for him.

Of course, sleaziness isn't reserved solely for Salem's senior set. Mia continued to moon over Chad. After a few seductive looks from her, he greased up his hair and dumped Gabi faster than the sugar could dissolve in her coffee. Will remained stupid about the whole thing and Mia told Chad they had to keep their face sucking secret. Anyway, now onto the spoilers... If you don't want to know, don't look and enjoy your sobering weekend. Next week, Will proves that he also has a talent for figuring things out. After years of living with a pathological liar like his mother, I guess that it would be hard not to. Unfortunately, it looks like he inherited his father's sense of judgment and tells Kate that Mia has been swapping spit with someone else. While Kate debates what torture to use, Daniel informs Bo of Vivian's latest round of threats. The Alamain woman has another mud slinging match with Babs and his pump but their feud isn't the only one that continues to burn. Stephanie tells Philip that he better keep his eyes on his new bride in case she starts flashing her latest scars to a certain intern. That won't be the only spat of jealousy either. Nicole becomes determined to derail Brady's latest plan as Mr. Black continues to insist that he wants to make Ari an honest woman.

Lines of the week:
Kate: I really hate to burst your bubble. But I tell you what: I'll call Helga and take your manicure appointment because I really need to keep my nails... well, I need them for emergencies.

Victor: Well, Little Orphan Annie DiMera! What a surprise! And I distinctly remember telling Henderson to take the trash all the way to the curb.

Mel: I'm her secret love child.

Sami: I do good in interviews when they don't know me.

Nicole: When I get out of here and pay you off, you might want to use some of that money on a good shampoo and a mirror.

Anna: I'm here to see Philip.
Victor: He's moved out. Another one of his tiresome spasms of independence.

Chloe: You don't send someone to a shrink because they're a barrel of laughs.

Lexi: I know how you feel about Sami.
EJ: My fling with her was one momentary sentimental lapse. It's frankly a little embarrassing.

Nicole: In that case, you have to do what every woman has to do to keep a relationship alive: You have to fool him.


March 12, 2010
Brady and Arianna took a mid-week jaunt to the fishing pond. She wasn't interested in dropping a line through a hole in the ice so they stayed in a hotel room and danced the mattress mambo instead. Inspired by one of his old drug addled hallucinations, he decided to pop the question to her by dropping a ring in her champagne. Since he assumed she would swallow with her eyes closed and choke on it, he gave it to her in box form instead. She turned him down without batting an eye. He was dejected... so they had sex and went back to town where she had left her teenaged sister in charge of the town's booze bin. While he moped around town being flippant and plotting his next move, which was basically repeating his previous move, she sloped around town telling people what an idiot she was. No one argued the point. Finally, like all comedies, the accelerated repetition of the same thing ended up making her change her mind. As they contemplated all of the work involved in dying the beer green for St. Patrick's Day, she decided to finally get this out of the way and say 'yes' to Brady by turning the tables and hurling the question at him.

Meanwhile, Melanie was still far from enjoying the bliss of married life. She stayed crumpled up in her hospital bed while a steady stream of guests filed in to see her. Daniel got her week off to a good start by coming in and informing her that she was the product of a one night stand he'd had while attending a birth control conference with her manic mother. Mel was pretty drugged up and, even if she, literally, isn't all there anymore, she still had a substantial reservoir of tears to shed. Swallowing Daniel's news wasn't so hard. What really got her cringing in bed and wishing she could climb out and slap someone was the antics of Nate and Steph. She quickly discovered that the young intern had not actually received her heartfelt letter. This led to her exploding at Steph and they shifted from just being frenemies to being enemies again. Nathan also stopped by for a less than enjoyable visit that led to much confusion.

While Melanie cringed in bed, cooing somewhat disingenuous  'I love yous' to Philip on the phone and playing with her hair, her new daddy, Daniel, toured around town attempting to get his head around how two doctors could have let biology take such an unanticipated course. After spending some time with Maggie and then sending her off to have her medical condition looked after, he turned to the other great beacon for advice in town - Victor. Of course, as his godfather, it's Victor's job to dole out advice and look after him and this he did with some aplomb. After lambasting the doctor for his extraordinarily dubious taste in women, he got soft and encouraged him to be a good father to Mel, admiring that he'd grown fond of the moppet. He also offered to keep Viv off her back. Viv was busy at the time making a truce of sorts with Carly. Viv made it clear that she would back off if Carly backed into a jail cell. Victor ran into the bickering pair and they shot venom at each other.

The big news of the week, however, was the two long awaited returns. Elvis walked into the pub with Sydney in his arms and the look of a child drunk on crème de menthe on his face. Sami choked on tears. Will seemed mildly surprised. Johnny looked like a little less excited than when someone informs him that Sponge Bob is on and Rafe was a mess of confused emotions. For a bean, even an Old Bean like Rafe, to feel more than one thing at a time is a serious matter and he seemed clearly lost by the overflow. He hid out in his office after Elvis announced he wanted to spend the night with the children... and Sami. Rafe knitted his brow and buried himself in work while Elvis dropped signs to Sami before prompting Anna to pack her cash and leave in a hurry. Since she miscalculated how much room unmarked bills actually takes up in luggage, she didn't have room for her leopard skin shoes and left them behind. Rafe burst in soon after. Meanwhile, EJ seemed to be turning into a rather different animal. All of the stress of trying to stop himself from giggling like a naughty schoolboy forced him to wear something between a contrast smirk and a grimace. The muscles in his neck became so tense by the end of the week he had to wear a turtleneck. Stefano and Kate returned from a shopping spree so he could be shocked by his granddaughter's return and vow vengeance. Elvis just snickered. The news also spread outside of town and all the way down the highway to Nicole in jail. Now a dirty blond, she's been settling into prison life with a passion. When she's not watching the Martha Stewart show and planning her life on the outside, she's busy polishing the floor with a tooth brush, swigging moonshine and pummeling her cellmate into submission.

Of course, now that Nicole knows that Syd is back in the picture, she's planning a way to hatch an escape... Most of you know the drill. If you don't want to see the spoilers, avert your eyes now and enjoy a weekend of pre-St. Patty's drinking. Next week, Nicole will use the wiles that she has gained from life in prison to make her old enemies in Salem wail. In spite of being stuck in a dank hellhole curiously missing all of the hot lesbian sex which Victor likes to allude to, she still manages to figure out that Anna was involved in the kidnapping and drags Salem's dumbest blonde into a blackmailing scheme. While Nicole plots, Daniel does his best to stop Vivian from plotting more death and destruction, or, at least, finally being successful at it. As the town starts preparing for the great Brady beer off, Hope gives Mel the sobering rundown of how a bullet ended up running through her guts. That may not be enough to drive her to drink, but Chad may drive Gabi into an uncomfortable zone when he confesses to her that he still has special feelings for Mia. As she slinks around the pub, Max returns for the festivities. The holiday won't be happy for everyone though. Elvis ends up getting the bejeezus scared out of him from an unlikely quarter when Theo pops up and let his uncle know that he knows what he did last winter.

Lines of the week:

Victor: What? Oh God no, Daniel! Please tell me you sold sperm when you were a starving medical student and it got into Carly's turkey baster. You can't have slept with her... You're still here. I thought black widows devoured their mates...

Nicole: I hate this place.
Chloe: It's prison. What do you think? People sit around trying to make it more fun?
Nicole: ....sometimes I do multiplication tables to keep from going insane.

Carly: (to Viv) Don't you have an orphanage to burn down or something?

Sami: I love you so much, but look what happens to love when you do stupid things.

Carly: (to Victor) I'm the town pump. I slept with everyone... except you, even though we were married. I have my standards.

Melanie: What! Why did you do that?
Ari: I don't know... because I'm an idiot.

March 5, 2010
The aftermath of Mel's shooting and the revelation which followed was adding up to more misery for the denizens of Salem. Vivian moped around the mansion, insisting to Victor that she's had a change of her coal black heart about seeking her revenge on Carly by using Melanie. Philip didn't buy this from her and ordered his father to kick her to the curb with the rest of the trash from the wedding. Victor acquiesced, confident that she would soon return to the cold bosom of the family again... at least once his hot headed son has calmed down a bit. Philip had plenty of other people to be pissed at though, like his hot headed brother, Babs, who has been doing his best to convince the woman he is sleeping with not to confess to shooting his new sister-in-law. After sniffing around Hope some more, Justin offered Carly his legal skills and she instantly assumed this was part of another bid of his to get Hope while she was at loose ends.

Meanwhile, Dr. Daniel continued to spew off at Dr. Manslaughter for keeping their little omelet a secret all these years. While he went over to the hospital to stew beside his newfound daughter's bedside and avoid telling her that he was her father, Chloe wandered into a rant at Carly, who managed to prove that she really is a stranger in a strange land when she confused the diva with someone who knows exactly what's going on. The gentle doctor accidentally broke the news to the diva that Melanie is the spawn of Dr. Dan. Since Chloe's eyes couldn't pop any more, her mouth just swung open until Daniel returned. Surprisingly, what annoyed her the most about this situation was that he actually was a parent. Somehow the idea of babying the generally baby-like Melanie just wasn't what she'd had in mind when she dreamed of whelping a child of her own. The fact that if Carly had only aimed a few more inches down Mel would have been back to diapers didn't do much to assuage her annoyance either. Like the rest of the town's psychos, Carly has proven that she's actually too incompetent to be any good at killing people. She and Daniel went back to arguing about how bad she felt, how much to blame she was for this farrago and so on until the whole thing became blurred. It stretched on for days. The seasons changed. Daniel's tan faded. Bo occasionally punctuated the period to tell her that he thought she was swell, even if she feels like she's a natural disaster. Babs even tried convincing Mel that Carly wasn't so bad. After all, the only person she succeeded in killing so far was a rather nasty man. Hearing Babs babble made Mel think he was thinking with something other than his brain. Babs continued to demonstrate how badly his brain actually works as he took control of the investigation in spite of everyone noticing the enormous conflict of interest. Finally Hope did what she does best and took over the situation for him. In the end, Dr. Daniel did come out and tell Melanie that Trent may have been the perv that raised her, but he's the one who actually knocked her mother up.

Not everyone was frazzled and dazzled by the news of Melanie's parentage. Some of Salem's other parents had different daughterly difficulties to mewl over. Since Elvis didn't think Sami was suffering enough, he decided to alter his tactics and opted for a new way to torture her with hope rather than despair. While plenty of people in town are usually tortured by hope, Sami's one of the exceptions. Then again, she would have a crying conniption fit if you burned her breakfast. Elvis, bloated by scotch, decided to play hero to her and gave her hope again that Syd was still kicking. He gave her a video link to the baby and then inflated her hopes to kiddie pool proportions. Soon after, he put post traumatic Sami through yet another downer when he informed her that it was all a hoax and Syd was as dead as Grace. While Sami re-posted her PST, EJ giggled, chucked Auntie Anna some cash and then ran across town with Sydney to show up at the pub and give Samanather a shock.

Other townsfolk also wandered around in a haze. Mia and Chad shared a heart to heart in Maggie's kitchen about how they both lay awake at night thinking about her and their passionate and unprotected past. Chad flipped out and ran away after they locked lips. Will was across town being clueless. Ari kept up her habit of continuously reminding Brady that Nicole will always be a part of him. He kept insisting that wasn't the case, but, since he believed that Syd was dead, he thought someone should break the gruesome news to her. That will have to wait until next week though... here come the spoilers. Look away now if you don't want to know and enjoy a weekend of Hello Kitty re-runs, sheep shearing and maple tree tapping. I may be doing all three, but mostly I'll be wondering if, when Nicole rears her head again, will she still be wearing that dark hair or if her new prison squeeze has pressured her to make the curtains match the rug. Of course, Brady has other things on his mind. After spending a few weeks practicing how to get down on one knee, he finally pops the question to the woman he's been dating for the past few months. This kind of comes out of nowhere since she spends most of her time encouraging her brother to forgive Sami after he discovers that she has been keeping things from him again. Before they can have make up sex, Chloe takes the long hard slog up to the penitentiary to check in on Nicole and tell her whatever she knows. Since Chloe isn't always up to date with things, this could lead to some confusion. Meanwhile, Melanie and Nathan continue to be confused about their confused feelings for each other and Daniel confirms for Maggie that her medical condition has returned.

Lines of the week:

Carly: I'm a curse to Daniel, just like I was to Lawrence. And what about you?
Bo: Don't worry about me. I haven't been hurt.

Victor: (to Viv) That dithering thing you do on me stopped working back in the Reagan administration.

Victor: (to Viv) Lawrence's life? He's as dead as vaudeville!

Victor: (to Viv) He wants to make a case against you and wants me to help. I would become father of the year for helping Bo do that, and you'd move into a big house with a lot of scary horny women.

Melanie: Whatever it is that's bothering you has something to do with Carly. She's ruined everyone else's life so why not have a go at yours.

Carly: I was going to plead guilty.
Daniel: To what? Love in the first degree?

Carly: To shooting Melanie. Then Vivian would get her revenge and stay away from Melanie.
Daniel: I can see why Bo didn't want you to do that. I understand those conjugal trailers in the prison yard really aren't that great
.

Melanie: (to Bo) It's not your brain that's trying to clear Dr. Manning.

Melanie: It would be pretty hard for my life to be in danger if I were dead.

Daniel: Maybe, instead of being sorry, you could think a little more and shut your mouth a lot more.


February 26, 2010
EJ spent most of the week pouting and wishing that he was already off on Pirate Island with his two children. But before he could run off and do his Peter Pan routine, he was stuck finishing business in town. Elvis continued his revenge plot in a bid to become the most sadistic man that Salem has ever known. Apparently all that Jacobean drama he must have read at school gave him a lot of ideas. Of course, in Shakespeare's day, people just did things because they were evil, not because they had one of the most twisted and dubious love fixations in dramatic history. As Anna paced the Sydnappery chalet and fretted about what would happen, he licked his lips and stuck the knife into Sami a little more to make her squeal. Thanks to EJ's repeated insistence that this mess is all fault of 'Old Bean' Hernandez, Sami spat him out of the mansion to throw a pity party with Elvis. Rafe carried his heavy head back to his mop closet at the Salem PD and broke into tears. Sami caught him in the act and was super impressed. Although Rafe, in his biggest emotional melt down, still managed to cry less than Sami does over breakfast every day, she was as impressed by his ejaculation of ocular fluid as she would have been if he was Salem's first pregnant man. They immediately went back to her townhouse to bask in their snugglesafe and pass out. Elvis then stalked in and saw them together, immediately throwing a hissy fit and smashing a vase. He trudged off and Rafe wondered what had crawled into him and died. He even voiced his concerns to Stefano about the non-grieving, jealous schoolboy antics of Elvis. They both sensed that it was a lot more than standard stiff upperlippery. Meanwhile, EJ was inspired by Anna to change his tracks and find a new way to get rid of Rafe. Since Sami needs a hero, he decided to prove a villain but playing one and swung in with a new ransom note to tell her that Syd was still kicking.

Melanie stumbled back into the realm of consciousness. She was high as a kite but Carly was lurking over her, ready to give her the all time downer and explain that she was the woman who ejected her into the world and nearly ejected her from it. Mel wept. Mel wailed. Mel cried. Mel didn't know what to do or who was who. Carly tried explaining, which was having middling success. Mel felt like a curse, and even worse, a cursed curse. You'd think she would have been a little relieved to learn that Trent wasn't her real daddy (so she and Max aren't really related after all), but she was too busy crying. Carly asked for more time before she could explain the whole truth since the nearly twenty years that have gone by so far wasn't enough. As Carly skulked off, Viv popped up to finish the job she'd started before she was so rudely interrupted. More interruptions came. Mel cried and, in her drug addled haze, wished that she was dead since she no longer knows who she is. This broke Viv's heart and she couldn't go through with it in the end. Lawrence rolled in his grave so much about this he popped out of it again and ran around taunting his Auntie but she would have none of it and waved him away.

Babs spent the week proving that he may be even dimmer than his son. After all, Shawn at least had the wisdom to leave the fishy berg. Babs paced and barked at his phone and had one person after another come in to tell him he seemed more concerned with his dilly ho-ho than he was with any other bond he had in the world. After Babs helped Carly break the bail conditions he'd bailed her out on, Philip gave him hell for doing it and so did Hope. Showing his usual acumen for compassion and thoughtfulness, Bo flatly told his wife that he was truly arse over face in love with Dr. Manslaughter. Meanwhile, the goodly doctor broke the news to Salem's most unexpecting dad. Chloe may not be able to make buns or anything else in her over, but it turns out that Daniel and Carly made a yeasty concoction of their own many moons ago. He was shocked and appalled but as every doctor knows, that doesn't change biology.

And now, onto the spoilers. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please avoid reading the upcoming lines and enjoy your weekend. I'm having teeth ripped out of my head and then being pumped full of pain killers so I don't know how much I'll be enjoying it, but if, like me, you'd rather avoid thinking about that, you can think about how miserable everyone in Salem is. Gabi adds her face to the pity parade as she stops by to see Will and offer him her condolences. Melanie may finally get some condolences from Nathan after he pulls his pants back on and returns to town to discover that she's had a hole put through her. He might be better used looking out for Maggie though. It appears that Salem's newest widow will have something else to be sad about. Her neuromuscular condition, myasthenia gravis, returns to wreak havoc on her life again. There will be plenty of other havoc around town as the Mel's parents spar over their situation. Carly begs Daniel not to shut her out but will he be in a forgiving mood? While they argue, Bo tries to offer Mel an argument for why Carly should be in her life, not that Mel's in a fit state to argue back. And Anna gets the sinking feeling that Elvis' twisted behavior may finally be getting the best of him.

Lines of the Week:

Melanie: You shouldn't have married me! I don't know who I am!

EJ: I'm not... the vase... I didn't see it... You can send me a bill for the vase.

EJ: Rafe happened... silly little bitch.

Philip: Okay, here's my statement: I wasn't there when it happened and neither were you, and you aren't using me to get the woman you are sleeping with off scot free."

Melanie: (to Carly) I'm a curse on everyone's life. I thought it was enough I had Trent's blood running through my veins, but I have yours too.

Victor: (spotting Bo) Gotta go. Here comes the gestapo.



February 19, 2009
It was a truncated week in Salem with a few major events. EJ stuck the knife in Sami's heart so far that her crying started to resemble coughing up a hairball. Meanwhile, Carly accidentally stuck a bullet into her own daughter and Nathan stuck something else into Stephanie. But the fun got underway in Salem's answer to an amusement park: An abandoned cannery. After being trapped under an avalanche of boxes, Carly used her zombie strength to break free. Her strength didn't extend to helping her rival, however, and she quickly abandoned Hope under the surplus crates of fish heads and lug nuts. Carly lugged her cleavage across town to the Kiriakis mansion where she knew her daughter was in lethal danger.

The wedding was starting to feel a bit boring for the people of Salem, so used to seeing people get shot before the ceremony can end. Mia and her Farrah Fawcett hair were there. Just to prove that he's a geek and not an airhead, Will had to take a deep breath before every utterance he made. All the same, he was the only person wise enough to suggest running out as soon as the ceremony was over. As they left, a tumult erupted on the roof. Viv took Mel up to give her a glimpse of Heaven, which apparently resembles the Kiriakis pool where Ari and Brady used to fool around, not to mention the shrubs now overgrown since Owen was taken away, and the distant view of the harbor and its undeniable waft of longshoremen. Unfortunately, Heaven in Salem does not involve Philadelphia cream cheese, just some cheesy dialogue. Mel's vertigo started acting up as Viv led her to the precipice of doom. Before the bride could fully launch into her Liza routine though, Carly blundered in and whipped out the revolver she'd swiped from Hope. Proving that she's as daft a hand with a gun as with a surgeon's blade, though maybe not as good as she is with a letter opener, she squeezed out a shot and dropped her daughter. As the noise rang across the house, Philip used his extensive military training to recognize the sound of a gunshot. Everyone ran up to the roof and Carly began blurting out the secret she'd vowed to kill to keep.

Things were already going badly at the hospital. It turned out that Chloe's baby wasn't a baby at all. Instead, it was just a thought bubble that confused her imagination with her uterus and made her body think she was pregnant. It's a good thing Chloe doesn't have too many thoughts or who knows what would happen to her body. Daniel was abruptly called away from her blank stare at the blank monitor and scrubbed in at the operating theater. He and Lexi sliced and diced Melanie. It wasn't so long ago that this served as a form of foreplay for the doctor, but then again, he used to surf too and now his only dangerous activity is eating Chloe's baking. When Lexi informed him that the girl he was opening up was Carly's daughter, a disturbed look crept into his face. Outside of the buzzes being omitted during the fame of operation, disturbed looks were the norm, though they were interrupted by the occasional sneer or grunt. Most of this came courtesy of Kate, who was getting downright catty with everyone. Philly slowly imploded as his two mommies battled for territory. The fact that his new mother in law is also a psychotic freak probably wasn't making him feel any better. Victor kept threatening Viv, encouraging her to pray for Mel's safety. She was pretty confident that things would turn out peachy creamy. The mayor exercised the abnormal task of arresting her since Bo was too distracted looking after Carly. After some prodding, BABs finally arrested Carly too, though he used every penny in his piggy bank to post her bail and pop her out instantly. Just as instantly, she ran back to the hospital to check on her freshly ventilated daughter. Although Daniel tried to stop her, she pushed her way in, waking Mel up and nearly scaring her to death. Across town, Justin took the time to fill Philly in on just what Vicious Viv has been up to.

Meanwhile, Steph had quickly duffed her wedding duds and abandoned the wedding before the fireworks happened. Whether she was really eager to leap into the libidinal wasteland known as Alpine Valley, or she was just doing all she could to avoid the wedding tradition of sleeping with the best man, ie. Lucas, we'll never know. She and the intern holed up in a chalet room and did some climbing of their own. As Steph and Nathan's pelvises grew tired, he fantasized about being in bed with Mel. She seemed to sense something was wrong so, just to be safe, she tore Mel's letter up.

Not everyone in town was sucked into the mess that seemed to seep from the newly perforated Mrs. Kiriakis. Sami, Rafe, EJ and Anna were already busy sucking in their own little world. Elvis tried to hide his excitement at the prospect of gallivanting off to Pirate Island with his children just long enough to fool Samantha. This proved an easy enough task, although a smirk filled his face once and awhile, or maybe it was just an involuntary response thanks to the wave of wrinkles that creased her pink face as it bleated about Syd. He launched into Phase Two of his scheme to completely devastate Sami. This involved planting some bloody baby clothes of Syd's in the harbor so they would be easily found. Sami quickly reacted and, at EJ's not so subtle prodding, blamed Rafe for her daughter's supposed demise. Rafe stood by and did his best to be comforting, but he proved that he doesn't have the talent to be an effective blankie. Lucas was called in to complete that task. And on that note, we will now turn to the spoilers. For the sake of all that's good and pure, if you don't want to be spoiled, please look away now and enjoy the weekend. Next week, Daniel thinks that Chloe could use more than just a blankie of her own, like maybe a padded room of her own. He does his best to put her into therapy. She's hardly the only person in town who could use some. Some might say that Victor should be in therapy too after he admits that he's actually rather fond of having Vivian around. And if that isn't screwy enough, Bo tells Hope that he really truly loved Carly deep at the base of his baboon's heart. As she chokes on this jagged bit of brutal confessing, Mel faces yet another threat to her life. Who is it this time? Is she threatening her own life after Carly unloads and informs her that she is her spawn, or is Viv up to her old antics? And the plot thickens as Rafe proves that he's not as thick as he looks. His paranoia about EJ manages to infect Stefano who quickly starts to try and think his way ahead of his son. That might not be too hard either, since EJ gets his latest scheme from something Anna says.

Lines of the week:

Chloe: I'm definitely pregnant. I'm heading straight to the mall after this. It's getting embarrassing the way my clothes don't fit!

Carly: I was trying to stop Vivian from killing her. I wanted to save her.
Philip: If she dies, I will save you the same way.

Daniel: I can't deal in false hope.
Chloe: Whereas I can manufacture it.

Chloe: But he can't just come out and say, "Hey, Chloe, you're nuts. You should see a shrink."
 

February 12, 2010
Anna continued going stir crazy while trapped in the chalet. When Elvis threatened to chuck her out like a rancid éclair, she attempted threatening him back, though that failed in mid-sentence. Instead, she used Syd to guilt the DiMera into keeping her around so she wouldn't have to return to her career as a lady of leisure. Elvis backed down and sat around stroking his silk shirts and imagining how miserable Sami must be in a world without an old bean like Rafael Hernandez making it turn for her. Little did he know that Sami was busy polishing the bean. Sami burbled and Rafe promised to get Syd back over and over again. Then she cried and she cooed and then she took off his pants so they could get more comfortable on the couch and then they got even more comfortable in the bed. After burning off the stress of having a missing child, she told him how happy she was that she didn't have her children around to worry about. They went down to the pub for a heart shaped bowl of oysters marinated in pink beer when Elvis sauntered in. Once Samanther informed him that she and the bean were back in the sack together, EJ was not best pleased and began to wonder how his plan couldn't have been as perfect as he'd thought it was. Apparently he didn't factor in the reality that other people need to attend to carnal carnival more regularly than he does.

Meanwhile, Chloe finally passed a test for what may have been the first time in her life. It turns out that she got the miracle she was looking for and Dr. Dan knocked her up. That is indeed a soap opera miracle since she hasn't slept with his brother or his father, she isn't a virgin, wasn't raped and they actually have sex on a regular basis. While this defies all the laws of logic at work on Daytime TV, it also seems to defy everything Father Matt said. Chloe got so excited she managed to find the kitchen just so that she could bake up some extraordinarily bad puns. Daniel seemed more impressed that she actually managed to bake than he was with the news that his barren bedmate is now an EZ Bake Oven on legs.

But not everyone was happy in Salem. Most of the town's people were moping around about the upcoming wedding. Some, like Ari, did the wise thing and just drank champagne wherever it was available, but not everyone was successful at putting on their beer goggles. An angry Nathan got pissed and hung out at the pub. He almost told Mel about his feelings for her and how they distract his brain and other organs so much that he nearly sliced out someone's spleen the other day. Instead, he mumbled and Steph drove him to Maggie's to force feed finger sandwiches down his boozy gullet. He sobered up. Mel spent a restless night thinking of Nathan and decided she couldn't marry Philly K. while she felt so uncertain. She confessed this to Vivian, the woman who terrifies her the most in the world, and Viv proceeded to convince her to go along with the wedding. Mel didn't like being treated like she was weak and spineless but she quickly did the weak and spineless thing and did all that she was told. Viv licked her lips and fantasized about offing her. She placed the poisoned pearl toothed comb in her mop of hair. The blushing bride to be stole a moment to quickly scribble a love note to Nathan, asking if they had a future, and then she had the wisdom to ask Steph to deliver it to him. Steph quickly crumpled it and returned to tell her that Nate was a no-no. Mel was soon woozier than a waltzing piss ant and flopped on her bed like a worn out rag doll.

Across town, Kate tried everything to get Victor's goat, or at least to get his back up about Vivian. She even accused him of being 'whipped', but he's been playing this game even longer than her and wasn't going to be easily dragged into it. She was forced to turn to her husband to ask for a favor. He offered to have her problems with Viv the Vicious eliminated and made a call before they marched off to the wedding. Lucas was serving as the unlikely guard to make sure that nothing went wrong. I guess they thought his talent for shooting people in the back at weddings could come in handy. Aside from grimacing and gorping, he didn't have much to do though. The Kiriakis mansion bustled with activity and chairs filled the rooms to accommodate the onslaught of gawkers which the event would inevitably entail.

Most of the week revolved around Vivian staring blankly and imagining Carly freaking out after she killed Melanie. The reality was much more grim. Although Carly only narrowly managed to excrete some tears from her eyes in fantasy land, in 'real life' it was even more excruciating. Between being barely able to use her arms and barely able to manage more than a grunt in the vocal department, Salem's resident zombie doctor did her best to seem shocked and appalled, which often meant wailing like she was calling out to the brains she'd left on the other side of the globe.

Apparently tired of flirting with Justin, Hope decided she wanted to be normal again and the only way to do that was to re-join the Salem PD. This was especially hard for her because, as she admitted to Justin, it would mean that she could no longer torture people when she wanted information from them. As she was busy probing the latest round of murder and mayhem in Salem, Carly was being dragged to the nearby cannery, you know, the one where Kay on "Passions" used to work and the fish were always biting her nipples. Gus smuggled her out of the hospital looking rather adorable in an orderly's outfit. He set her up with a monitor so she could watch Viv kill Melanie. Carly screamed at the monitor and then her maternal strength kicked in and she pummeled Gus before attacking him with her Vulcan death grip and dropping him to the floor. She got Viv over there after sending her a fake message. Viv showed up and they bantered about brutally killing each other until Hope ran in to spoil the party. It turned out that Victor sabotaged Viv and switched poisoned combs. This left Hope in the awkward position of arresting the woman trying to kill her own worst enemy. Luckily, Gus suddenly returned to consciousness and threw a crate at Hope and Carly. He and Viv ran while Carly and Hope crawled.

Back at the Kiriakis compound, Abe was forced to stand in to officiate and managed to keep a straight face through a bit of the ceremony. Philip and Mel were married. Her collapse earlier was apparently due to nerves rather than death. While she and Philip departed for the honeymoon, her thoughts continued to linger on the intern she left behind in the world of the unwed. Now comes the spoilers... run away now if you don't want a glimpse into the hellish world which next week will bring. Remember, Monday is the Olympics and that won't be Kenzie and T. on the curling court. On Tuesday, however, things get back to normal, which is to say, to being screwy. And that's exactly what Steph and Nate get up to. "I really want to find true love. I think I can find that with you," she tells him as they play doctors and nurses. While he's giving her a full exam, Daniel has to cradle Chloe when it turns out that her miracle has a darkside which she wasn't expecting. This is especially hard for him since he knows it will spell the end of breakfast in bed. But the honeymoon is going far from well for the town's latest newlyweds. Kate is already badgering her son about what a pill Vivian is and Viv is still trying to get Mel to swallow some poison. Her plans go down the drain when she's dragged to the cells with the zombie doctor following close behind her. Meanwhile, EJ flips out when he learns that his game of torturing Sami has gone all wrong and she's returned to playing the game of twenty toes with Rafe. As he gags on his disgust, things get much worse. Rafe is forced to tell Sami that they've just made a grim discovery that could change everything in Syd's case.

Lines of the week:

Kate: I just pray to God that she's not all right.

Sami: I thought our relationship was hopeless.

Kate: That was mean spirited and inappropriate.
Lucas: Oh, you mean like feeding poison brownies to someone?

Chloe: I decided to pop some buns in the oven.

Victor: Marriage is like a leaky canoe... You can paddle like hell and still sink.

Carly: Think, Manning, think. Think this through.

Carly: Killing Lawrence was horrible but killing you could be fun. Bo is on his way and it's over. Melanie will live happily ever after.
Vivian: No, she will die in about a half hour.

Carly: They say murder gets easier the second time around.
Vivian: Spoken like a true doctor.

Stefano: I'm always nice to him... it drives him crazy.

Hope: Hope the citizen could have tied her up and done other things to her, but Hope the cop doesn't have that option.

 

February 5, 2010
This week, Stefano and Elvis finally managed to find the script they left lying around a few months ago. They immediately picked up where they'd left off with Elvis threatening to evict his father from Casa DiMera. Stefano laughed like a drunken bunny and told his son to stop his unending tantrum. Because time flows funny in Salem, they couldn't figure out if EJ's knickers have been in a twist for days, weeks, months or hours, but they did note that Johnny's tantrums don't last nearly as long. When Stefano wasn't arguing with his son, he was complimenting Kate on the velour sack she picked up to wear to the wedding.

Kate had more on her mind than her frequent wardrobe changes would suggest though. She was utterly distraught that she was being pushed out of the wedding party so she made sure to stick her nose back in. Philly agreed to let her share the spotlight with Vivian since they're each thin enough that there's room for both of them. Kate didn't like those beans and ran around town searching for a way to upset the applecart, just to mix metaphors, which is what Vivian spent much of the week doing. The two mommies were at each other's throats over the wedding. Kate plotted how she would usurp her way back into prima mama position and Viv was distracted by fantasies of finishing off Melanie before the wailing wall that is Carly. Viv took a page out of Kate's book and decided to use some poison. She poisoned a sort of tiara for Mel to wear, which was, if memory serves and depending on who you ask, also how Medea killed Jason's wife. But Viv had to waylay her enthusiasm for Greek tragedy and put the killing off until the wedding day. Not to be outdone, Kate snatched the gift away and wondered why Viv was acting weirder than usual about it. Melanie the moppet barely noticed any of this. She suddenly got much closer to Carly for reasons which only the writers of the show can know, though they haven't bothered to explain clearly to anyone else.

Meanwhile, Anna seemed to be getting cabin fever, stuck in her little chalet with nothing but soap operas to keep her company and the occasional delivery of environmentally friendly groceries to break up her day. Her diet of rice cakes and peanut butter was only accented by the pina coladas she mixed using a discarded Baby Alive. Syd, while still managing to be a better conversationalist than half of the other people in town, she also managed to show her DiMera stripes. Not only did she boss Anna around, she also picked her nose and wiped her snot all over her 'kidnapper' while she was attempting to have a serious conversation. The fact that EJ only drops by to play with Sydney and insult her keeper probably doesn't help, but it's a sign that this is where the baby gets it from. Anna finally cracked after Roman called her. Ari tipped him off that Anna was around. Anna wasn't clever enough to lie, she was a failure in the advertising industry after all, and she soon wound up paying Sami a visit. Rafe cornered her at Sami's and then Sami blubbered to her about how sad she was about Syd. Anna started blurting things out and then ran home. Rafe, getting uber suspicious, headed straight to Casa DiMera to confront Elvis, who managed to stutter just as much as Anna. Since everyone knows that stuttering is contagious and is usually passed along by baby snot, Rafe started to put some things together and decided that Anna must be involved with the kidnapping. Rather than chase this down, he chased Sami home and climbed back into her pants while EJ planned to run away to Pirate Island with his children.

Across town, Hope finally snapped after discovering that Carly's secret was that she spawned Mel. She discovered this when she managed to crack the seal of Vivian's 'mystery box' to find the secret inside. This disturbing psycho-sexual metaphor seemed to get Justin excited so Hope had to keep him calm and left him to act as watchdog while she ran off to do her business. Fancy Face arrived at BABs' budget bordello to see how he and his fancy piece were working out. Hope started to feel a little bad for Carly after discovering a few morsels of the truth, but that proved to be shortlived. When she walked into Casa de Babs, she noticed that someone had been redecorating Salem's greenest flophouse with Carly's designer knock-offs. It turned out that the trauma has finally made little Ciara crack and she has started to lead a dangerous life. Not only has she been running with scissors, she's been slashing Carly's clothes because she hates her stinking, rotten, smelly, fishy, gunky, punky, monkey brain eating guts (I'm paraphrasing). While Ciara has already demonstrated that she has better judgment than most of the people in her family, Hope jumped on Bo hard and threatened to take their daughter away from the murderous atmosphere he has her living in.

Mia continued to mine her 'dark side', or at least, the side with a few highlights, as she set about destroying Chad's plan to take Gabi to the arctic climbs of Vancouver so they could practice luging in his father's condo. She curbed Kenzie's dreams of being able to witness the wonders of curling in person by telling Chad's DA daddy that she and Chad were still on more than friendly terms. That ended up putting an end to things and the teens were condemned to stay in Salem. Will continued to be confused by the situation, as he should be. What was surprising was that no one else was surprised to see that Will Horton has been replaced by an eerie clone of GH's Michael Corinthos. Meanwhile, Chloe mooned around town looking miserable and pretending that she was happy. Of course, there's a reason she rarely gets to actually work on stage so no one believed her charade, except for Daniel since he's rarely looking in her eyes when he speaks to her. She and Dr. Manslaughter talked about how barren she was and then she turned to Father Matt to discuss theology. Her grasp on the nature of miracles proved troubling and the priest had to break the news that you can't always get what you want.

Anyway, now on to the spoilers. If you do not wish to have your week spoiled, please avert your eyes now and enjoy a weekend of Olympic preparations. Since they don't consider building snow men a sport, I'll be imbibing hot totties from around the world instead. With the wedding looming large in Salem, most of the action focuses on fuzzy headed Melanie and her peg legged prince. Mel's mixed feelings aren't going unnoticed, even by the people in her wedding party. Steph does her best to keep Mel's doubts stuffed down where no one can see them by keeping the letter which Miss Mel wrote away from the prying eyes of Nathan. While Steph encourages her to run off on her possibly unending vacation, Vivian attempts to talk some sense into her, but who knows exactly what that could mean? Her motherly routine ends up taking too much time away from her usual plotting and Victor manages to swan in and foil her pernicious plot before it can come to pass. While Vivian is thinking up what to do next, Hope has finally figured out who Carly's daughter dearest really is. As for those who have not been trapped into the wedding and its associated collateral damage, Brady inches a little closer to Ari when he re-gifts something to her which once belonged to sweet Isabella. Meanwhile, EJ is getting ready to throw another tantrum when he discovers that Sami and Rafe have returned to playing throw another log on the fire.

Lines of the week:
Hope: Have you been watching Dr. Phil?
Carly: Parents split up all the time. Children adjust.
Hope: That's an idiotic cliché.

EJ: You and I are going on a little trip... to Pirate Island!

Melanie: I'm more of a 'you snooze you lose' kind of girl.

Kate: You will not steal my thunder, Vivian. You will not steal my son.

Sydney: Adadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadaaaaaa

Rafe: Whoa!
EJ: Whoa? Whoa? What does 'whoa' mean?

Vivian: This harpy stole that present like a jackal in the night.

Vivian: She's lying through her fangs again.


January 29, 2010
It was a strangely uneventful week in Salem where everything was on the verge of happening and then didn't happen. The grumpy week covered barely a day of story time, although, given the hyper paranoiac activity of so many characters, it felt like it was a great deal longer. This odd suspension of action left many to binge on a bit of recycling.

Maggie continued to mourn. She made herself pass the time with various busybody acts. That's what she used to do anyway, but things were a little more sombre this time around. No one was wearing black though, they all seemed to be wearing brown in her presence. The boxes of Mickey's office stuff arrived and she sorted through them, sending much of it off to the charities for Salemites deafened by Sami or mangled by a DiMera. She also found a Valentine's card from him and a bottle of scotch. When she wasn't fighting back the tears, she was fighting the temptation to take a swig.

Hope continued to think about her watery past with Bo and recycle the memories. Even the flashbacks seemed used. She bought Ciara a little boat so she could tell her all about her time at sea, but Beauregard accidentally slammed into her and smashed the vessel. Hope looked at him like he'd just spit on her last cupcake. In her eyes, he's not just the man who left their home in ruins, he ruined her boat as well. What a burn. The fact that Carly came back to town on a boat probably made it even worse. Lo and behold, she bumped into Carly soon after and they continued giving each other pieces of their minds. None of it was anything anyone hasn't heard before and they rifled through the dialogue like they were counting sheep. It turns out that this ongoing rehashing is just another of Bo's recycling projects. If only Max and Nick were still around, perhaps they could harness the energy of Hope's righteous wailing and Carly's clumsy cowing into a new form of fuel... Marginally more thrilling was Carly and Justin's brief sashay through the game of trying to demonstrate who the biggest hypocrite is.

When Carly wasn't stuttering through the staggered insults which seem to dog her conversations with her enemies, she was attempting to play Mother Theresa to Mel. Miss Melanie was in a pretty bad mood all week, thanks largely to wedding jitters and Carly. Once again, Dr. Manic Manning spilled coffee on the moppet, this time spoiling the designer dress which Viv had helped her pick out. Miss Mel was not amused, but as the day went on, and with the fact that her emotions flip as often as she flops her hair around, she began to soften. Mel demonstrated her usual mind-bending skills of judgment by inviting the 'murderous adulterous' who has been stalking her and throwing public fits for weeks, over to her place so they can have some alone time. Carly tried warming up to her and nearly said something worth saying, like why she is so obsessed with her. Unfortunately, Mel was incapable of keeping her gob shut and seemed to start competing with Sami in the game of jumping to conclusions and blurting them out so no one else can actually finish their sentences. We call it 'slur or shut up' around the office and it's become our favorite drinking game since we had to stop playing the one where we took a shot every time Sami started balling. It was just too hard to get through the day after that.

Gus finally broke the news to Vivian that Melanie is actually Carly's daughter. Viv was almost heartbroken. She'd actually become fond of her, after a fashion. Victor forbade her to kill Philip's fiancée. After all, it would make the cruise they were planning to take together extra awkward. Vivian couldn't shake the drive to kill her though, helped in no small part by a dose of psychotic hallucinations. Lawrence's spirit, or the actor who plays it, showed up to taunt her into going ahead and gutting Mel. He knows he'll be stuck in purgatory with Carly eventually and he doesn't want to rush the reunion.

At the Salem PD, Troy finally demonstrated that he has some intelligence and figured out that Ari was a narc. Roman, demonstrating little intelligence, actually took her aside to chat about it right in front of Troy and EJ. I guess he thought that whispering would be enough to shield them from sight. Troy yelled about her betrayal to EJ. Brady wondered why. EJ played dumb, which is usually the most convincing strategy to get anything done around town. Ari later showed up at Casa DiMera to badger EJ with thanks and to blab all about her undercover operation. Whether he was trying to play it cool or simply impress her with his virility, he immediately whipped out some baby books to show off his skill at producing children. Unfortunately for him, he left her alone with his phone and Anna called, blubbering without knowing who she was talking to. Ari began questioning him about this. EJ stared blankly and made vague remarks. Since Ari grew up on the bad side of Salem, she mistook this for dry British humor.

Even less amused by his son's antics this week was Stefano. He discovered a vial of infant narcotics in EJ's coat and called his son out for it. Elvis gave him some excuses and took a few digs at him. Stefano went off and groaned to Kate who told him that he should have a lot less faith in his son, but it's not like Stefano was going to take parenting advice from her. EJ was too distracted to care about any of this. He did his best at offering fake comfort to Sami to get Rafe's goat and then left him to stew with the cow (he's already had her milk for free). Sami and Rafe went home and decided to split up because she couldn't stop blaming him for everything. Even with a daily dose of clam chowder coating his stomach, Rafe's intestinal fortitude gave way once again. Perhaps it isn't so much his guts that were in agony as his head, especially his ears. He packed up his hobo knapsack and the moping music from Charlie Brown started to play. For his part, Elvis snickered to himself about everything this week like a perverse schoolboy who peed in some soup and then fed it to his frenemies.

Anyway, now onto the spoilers. If you don't want to know, run away now so that you won't have to contemplate the terrifying spectacle of Salem's two ditziest blondes, Anna and Sami, putting their heads together. Since Anna's head is full of chocolate and Sami's is full of um.... Sami ends up opening her heart to Tony's widow and gabs all about her emotional turmoil over Sydney. Will Anna be able to play it cool? Nathan and Melanie are still trying to play it cool and act like they don't want to play cootie inspector. Even Carly catches on to the sexual tension so badly hidden by hospital scrubs. She's not the only one noticing something is off about Mel either. Daniel continues to smell around and realizes that there is more between Carly and Mel than his dear old friend has been willing to say. If he can't figure it out fast, Kate might beat him to it. She straight out confronts Carly about her weird fixation on a woman old enough to be her daughter. Kate won't waste too much time on that though since she still has to wrestle with Viv over control of the wedding.

Lines of the week:
Victor: What? Do you think I'm walking around with a tinfoil hat on my head? Right... we are in love... in Vivian land, that is, way, way over the rainbow.

Victor: Something momentous must have happened. You're not talking.

Anna: Go ahead and bring the chocolates whenever it's safe.

Philip: Vivian has tried to kill people. I didn't know how you felt about that in women.

Victor: Well, it shows they aren't passive.

Carly: Can you keep a secret?
Melanie: What is this junior high?

Victor: You told me she reminded me of yourself — That's the ultimate compliment.

Mel: I really don't like Vivian. She's... uh... sincerity challenged.
 

January 22, 2010
When Sami and Elvis got down to the pier to 'end' the kidnapping, Rafe managed to swan in and interrupt. The G-Man didn't trust Sami so he'd been having her followed. He quickly got his people involved and they set up surveillance. Sami flipped out. Bickering and shrieking erupted. Rafe finally had to ask Elvis to cart her away because the high pitches coming out of her mouth were disturbing the whales in the harbor, causing them to attack the local fishermen. The dysfunctional threesome went down to the station to wait for news. EJ and Sami took turns being outraged. He seemed to relish goading her into becoming more distraught as Raphael 'Old Bean' Hernandez doddered around looking for answers. They managed to pick up a woman who grabbed the kidnapping cash off the pier. She turned out to be Marion O'Brion, just another of the random Irish stereotypes who hang out down there. Sami plotzed. EJ tried to start a kerfuffle. Rafe calmed them and asked if the voice the kidnapper let her hear on the phone was really Sydney's. Sami is so finely in tune with all forms of crying and babbling that she could pick it out perfectly, even through the voice scrambler. He took Sami home and she erupted again. If Sami's emotions were lava, there would no longer be room on the earth for water. 

Meanwhile, Auntie Anna started to worry that EJ doesn't really know what he's doing, even if he does have the planning skills to make sure that he and Syd wore matching pink all week. When Anna told the little girl that she will have to go home soon, Syd freaked. Elvis puttered over to announce that it would all be over soon. Syd doesn't speak the same language and even she was tired of hearing this. Anna worried that the little girl could have a fever but Elvis insisted that only his taste in colour palettes was contagious.

Roman informed Arianna that her undercover operation has been completely underwhelming to their superiors. At this point, it's getting almost as pointless as her under the covers operation with Brady. She tried to talk her bosses around, but apparently she's not as good of a saleswoman as we've been led to believe. Meanwhile, since Troy couldn't find a competent hitman in the alleys of Salem, or at the American Apparel where he hangs out cruising for skanky hipsters, he decided that he would off Ari all by his lonesome. Unfortunately, he's not very good at it either. When he attempted to strangle her with his vintage coke dealer's white scarf (he has the matching mittens sewn to his coat), her yelps of death were interrupted when Elvis burst into her room. He chucked Troy out. The dealer was abruptly arrested by the Salem PD in what may have been the most successful day in their history. Roman showed up and began chatting to Ari. With Troy out of the way, who will act as middle man between her and Mr. Big? We might not have to find out since Troy managed to use his brain power to figure out that Ari is a narc and told EJ all about it. Yes Elvis, that means another woman who you want to be pantsless with has deceived you. Luckily, you already wanted to ruin her brother's life, so maybe you can kill two birds with one stone? During this mess, Brady was busy insisting to Chloe that he is finished with Nicole. Any messages he has for her, he will send through the unemployed diva, who has now added being a human telephone to her short list of talents.

Things were running even less smoothly for the other quadrant of one time friends, one time lovers in town. Beauregard Aurelies Brady, or Babs 'The Bear', as he's better known in Salem's metrosexual community, managed to make things even worse for just about everyone. Seeking to throw Vivian 'The Viper' off of the trail of Carly's daughter, he boasted loudly to Philip that Carly came back to town just for him. Vivian swallowed this and went into a tizzy. She wondered if she should really be gunning for Carly's daughter after all. This sense of doubt was doubled when she got the icky feeling that mouthy Melanie may actually be Doctor Manning's former belly bun rather than Mia 'The Moper'. She spent much of the week trying to charm the broad smiling young woman with fancy wedding plans. Although reluctant at first, Mel fell into the sway of things, a change which caused Carly to explode. Sensing impending disaster and knowing that he can't be everywhere at once, Bo asked Daniel to keep an eye on his old friend and former colleague. Daniel wasn't particularly good at this and only narrowly managed to stop Carly from taking her scalpel to her old enemy.

For her part, Carly jumped between her three emotions all week. When she wasn't stifling a sneer and looking at Mel like she'd never even heard of deodorant, she was leaping into a blind rage or staring blankly. The blank stares were courtesy of an overdose of flashbacks she endured. They all featured the dearly departed Lawrence taunting her as she went into labor and then stealing her baby away. Some of this emotive dexterity seems to have shown up in her spawn, Melanie. She showed off her ability to make cock-eyed faces, some of which she seems to have lifted from Philip. When she wasn't lashing out at Carly, she was acting as referee when other people, notably Vivian, were laying into her. Although Mel puckered her lips to exhale some memorable lines this week, she was condemned to spend most of her time asking the mother she doesn't know she has what her problem is. Ah, the philosophical implications... if only Mel knew that she is the answer to that question.

There were some other honorable mentions for the week. Kate returned from obscurity to drop by Maggie's looking for Mel. Maggie didn't appreciate it and gave her a tongue lashing. While Kate was off nursing her wounds, Mia pouted around as Chad 'The Woodman' talked Gabi into running away to the treacherous climbs of Canada with him, T. and Kenzie 'The Human Failure'. But the most devastating event of the week was Hope becoming sure that her marriage to Bo is over. If she can figure that out, who knows what's next. And now... onto the spoilers. If you do not wish to look ahead to the week that will be, avert your gaze now. It finally sinks in for Hope (it takes a really long time for anything to sink in, which means she either has super absorbent skin or she is a nearly bottomless pit) that things are over with Babs. Justin sits on the sidelines hoping someone will notice that he is still around and put him on the playing field before he gets old and gray. But at least he'll have something to distract him as his family prepares for Philly's upcoming nuptials. Things are already getting uncomfortable since Victor and Vivian have decided to accompany the newlyweds as they sail the globe for places undetermined. Even Carly's screaming about it. But something else could get in the way. Apparently Mel still hasn't gotten Nathan out of her system, as much as she insists that she has. She should probably be more worried about the fact that Vivian finally clues in that she is actually Carly's daughter. But if the fracas in the Kiriakis clan wasn't enough, Stefano wakes from his slumber to erupt at the prospect of Sami and EJ getting close again. Although this may all be part of EJ's plan to torture Samanther as much as possible, Rafe won't be seeing it that way when he sees them together. He decides to pack up his edition of the Sweet Valley High Board game and head out. The FBI man may not want to leave town now that his sister is on the verge of returning to the slammer though. Will he be able to help his sister before she winds up sharing a cell with Nicole and they have to fight over which one of them gets to play Brady?

Lines of the week:
Mel: So, I guess you're going all cougar on us... Is that why you didn't want me to marry Philip? Why can't you just let me live my life?
Carly: I'd be happy to. Any chance you could live it on another planet?

Mel: Please don't get too excited. You'll hyperventilate.

Vivian: Wrong? We do not use that word in connection with me.

Kate: I've been snubbed by Smurfette.

Mel: I think you're being a bit dramatic.

Anna: Sydney at some point will need a normal life.
EJ: With Samantha?
Anna: No... with you and... if you should meet a woman... I can't be a nanny forever.

Roman: I'm guessing that's not powdered sugar.

Carly: Let me remind you, I faced the devil and the devil lost.


January 15, 2010
Grief engulfed Salem yet again. But then, it's not as though it's ever exactly abated. Instead, it's finding itself crawling into more and more spaces. Entire sets have been added to accommodate the misery. Carly got a new room at the Salem Inn, a shabby shack made of beer bottles where she has to put x-ray charts in the windows to keep out the light. Maggie's had rooms added to her house too, apparently purely for the purpose of grieving. Maybe soon we will see all of the renovations which Stefano had done to the mansion, or the new basement which John had put in before he left. It seems like that would be a perfect place to go and cry with the rats after they leave the alley by the pub.

We saw the many faces of grief run by in a flash. Maggie slowly cried and told person after person about finding Mickey. Hope cried listening. Bo shrugged uncomfortably when he heard about it. Mia and Mel, the blonde haired moppets, quickly cried. Nathan got sentimental and tried to compensate by sucking face with Mel. Melissa showed up and punched at the air. Will managed to leap through the entire cycle of denial and acceptance in less than a minute, which demonstrates that he's not only been able to age fast, he's also emotionally matured faster than everyone else in the cast. Mia pouted as she told him. He trudged around town with a condolence casserole from Caroline.

The funeral went on unseen and we were not treated to an Irish wake. Instead, there was a little memorial in Maggie's front room. She remembered when she and Mickey were just outcasts from "Little House on the Prairie". Mel wished that she was a thousandth of the woman that Maggie was. Luckily for her, Philip is already only half a man. Her hair got bigger to illustrate that her head was full of woe, while Maggie's hair deflated to make explicit just how down in the dumps she was. Apparently she'd had Mickey's soul stored up there and the sheer power of hairspray couldn't keep it up. Mickey was remembered in all of his mustachioed glory, but he would have probably been turning in his grave if he'd seen the huge blown up photo of him in an atrocious Christmas sweater. Brady didn't appreciate Mickey's former legal partner, EJ, showing up. After all, when you are trying to take a death seriously, Elvis is the last person you want to see.

It wasn't all grief, of course, there was also the chance for the marginally less depressing spectacle of Philip and Melanie's hobble down the altar of love. Funerals are so much like weddings, only a little in reverse. As Shakespeare once wrote, "Live, and love thy misery." They were ready to run off and be married by an Elvis impersonator when the news hit. Mel made her usual faux pas or two before trying to overcompensate by getting defensive. Luckily for her, Carly showed up so she got to rail at her. Philip was more subdued. He spent much of the week looking befuddled. Philly has been desperate for a little continuity since mommy number two showed up.

His brother was finding a different kind of continuity as he returned to the carnal pleasures he'd once known in his youth. Carly sucked on Bo's ear (the entire thing) until he couldn't resist any longer and they did the deed. After he'd been thoroughly examined by the eyes-ears-nose-and-throat doctor, Hope called and interrupted their erotic interlude to tell him that the angel of death had kicked Mickey's bucket. Meanwhile, Victor seemed to be getting bored with Vivian's antics. Maybe that was just because he couldn't hide it behind his sunglasses anymore. That all changed when he discovered that Carly and Bo have been playing cars and garages. He should have seen it coming of course. After all, few women can sleep with only one Kiriakis man, they usually have to have half the family, often several times. Except for Justin, of course, which may be why he is really miffed that Bo has left him alone in the Sexually Unlucky Club Kiriakis. Carly showed surprisingly bad tact for someone who got away with murder. She showed up at Maggie's only to have Hope tear her head off. Carly was defiant and paid her condolences while taking the piss out of Hope's marriage. This only made Mel hate her more. The doctor was even more numb-skulled when she tried to warm up to Mel and Mia at the hospital, which resulted in an even higher level of hate. While she moaned to Bo about how her daughter, Mel the motherless, hated her guts, Vivian got it into her head that Mia the moper was actually Carly's spawn.

Outside of the multiplying miseries in town, trapped in her chalet with dreams of wearing a whole zoo's worth of animal print shoes on her petit terrace overlooking the rhino swamp at her McMansion in Bora Bora, Anna began having a twinge, not of conscience, but that Sami might not be as stupid as history has shown. EJ assured her that such a thing was scientifically impossible and then told his auntie to shut up, burped Syd and went out for the day. When he wasn't having his drug money washed, he popped by Sami's and offered to put Johnny in the washing machine. Sami spent most of the week sitting by her phone, filling up EJ's voicemail and spitting nonsensical rants at Rafe. Elvis spent most of his week deliberately ignoring her and enjoying the thought of her suffering. If you can have sex by telephone, you can torture with it too. Maybe that could be EJ's new business enterprise since he just sold off millions of dollars worth of DiMera assets. His father noticed, but Elvis remained unrattled and then put the next part of his plan in motion. No matter how hard he's tried to keep Rafe out of it, the FBI man just kept stumbling back in, until he stumbled right into the money drop by week's end. Rafe didn't manage to save his sister from Salem's latest inept thug though. That was left to Brady.

Anyway, now on to the spoilers. If you do not wish to be spoiled, run away now and enjoy a weekend of sipping limoncello and cruising Craigslist for box springs you can set on fire to burn old barber's mustaches on in memory of Mickey. Next week, Kate gets back into action as she begins attempting to bond with Melanie, the woman who disowned her even before they've become related. Is Kate just trying to weasel her way into Philip's good book, or does she have something else in mind? While she is trying to be the mother that Mel never had, Carly is still being angsty about being the mother she never had a chance to be. Learning about what her daughter is like might only make that worse. Meanwhile, as Vivian watches over the women and prepares to pounce, Bo gets distracted so he leaves Salem's semi-retired lothario, Daniel, to keep his eyes on her. That doesn't stop Carly from exploding at Viv when she  pushes her buttons again (are we sure that Carly isn't actually Sami's real mom?). All the while, moppet Mia puts herself in more of a conundrum after she admits to herself that she wants Will and Chad. If only Rolf were still around he could find away to combine the two boys into one... And the misery persists and Hope tries to help Maggie through her grief in spite of being emotionally fragile herself.

Lines of the week:
Melanie: Nice welcome. Who just died?

Bo: (to Bo when he's in bed with Carly) Hi... uh... It's kind of a bad time.

Rafe: I knew that was dumb when it was coming out of my mouth

Hope: I need to start learning how to do things alone.

Chloe: (of her choclate mousse cake) How can you leave this? That's not human.

Hope: You're hilarious. You sleep with my husband and it's my fault.

EJ: All right. Let's pack it in. Let's just give up. They'll figure it out Anyway. Sami and Rafe... they're probably the second coming of Woodward and Bernstein. You don't have a right to insult my intelligence. I have orchestrated this entire plan and my next move will be just as flawless.

Victor: And how will you plant it on her? Will you just ask, 'Do you mind if I attach this to your bosom?'

Chad: I like girls like you that are fun and funny.
Gabi: You hardly know me.
Chad: Some things don't take time to learn.

Kenzie: What are you... the sensitivity police?

Kenzie: Mia... teabags for swollen eyes.

 

January 8, 2010
Happy New Year's ladies and gentlemen. I'm back from my brief exile to our sister site, Soaps.com. It's a new year in Salem, and just to make sure that everyone knows that, they've actually brought one of their longest running plots to a conclusion... kind of.

Nicole went to court, more or less concluding her starring role in the terrible tale of the tot and the men and women who love her. Everyone showed up to say their piece about what a wicked witch the blonde gone black was (it's Salem after all). Even Mia and Chad made an appearance. Brady was the only one who spoke up for her, even though it made everyone else gag. Nicole finally stood up and asked to be punished without mercy. That's how you talk if you want to get into a judge's good graces and that's exactly what she did, receiving a sentence of twenty years. EJ bellowed. The judge thought that his objections were rich coming from the head of the town's major crime family. Sami cried, which didn't impress the judge either. Not because crying is like breathing for her, but because she has a pretty lengthy criminal record and a habit of proving how incompetent she is at handling her perpetually swelling family. Nicole's tears, which have soiled her face to the point that she's started to resemble Charlize Theron in "Monster", and her heartfelt profession of guilt, did turn the judge's heart... and EJ's stomach. Once she was led off to wait for the last bus to prison, Chloe stopped by to say goodbye and then, of course, Brady. With tears in her big eyes, Nicole begged him to forget her and never speak to her again, even though she loves him and wishes she had realized that a long time ago. She was sadly carted off to the pen, but, then again, being sentenced to twenty years without Sami almost sounds like a gift.

The scandalous Sydnapping of Salem is still going on, with or without Nicole. Like most criminal capers in town, it's quickly going from being scandalous for its moral crapulence to being appalling for its sheer stupidity. It looks like Elvis' taste in accomplices is almost as bad as Anna's taste in shoes. Maybe that's why he enlisted her to abduct his daughter, which was kind of funny considering how annoyed he was that Nicole basically abducted his daughter from Sami. They've been in cahoots the whole time. She's just in it for the money. She needs to finish decorating the hideous mansion she and Tony built in Bora Bora. His motivations are a little tricker, but it's mostly about getting his daughter back on his own terms, and getting revenge on all of the women he loves to hate.

Meanwhile, Brady feared that Ari, Little Miss Second Best, was under threat, not just from Salem's drug Cartel, but from the local clam chowder merchants and their mercenary cronies who suspect that the secret ingredient she's been putting in may be a little too addictive. He was right to be afraid because there was a rather sinister chap who kept loitering around the pub. He was sent there by none other than Troy, who has managed to outdo EJ by not only being one of his incompetent goons, but by actually hiring and even more incompetent goon to do his dirty work for him. Suffice it to say, thanks to the endless interruptions which make up much of the plot development, the goon never managed to get a good opportunity to take her out. She may be creating an opening though. After seeing how much Brady still longs to spend his days in Misty Circle, she managed to make him vaguely aware that their relationship has gone sour.

But romance isn't entirely doomed for everyone in town. Nathan and Philip welcomed the New Year in their jail cell until they were released, little the wiser. Philip tipped Steph off that Nate is still pining for Mel and was even willing to fight for her. Steph went sour. Nate later tracked her down and tried to convince her that he was only chasing a fantasy version of Mel, but what he really wants now 'something real'. But before he could find out how 'real' Steph is, she took a little distance from him. While young Nathan seems to be abandoning his fantasy Mel, the real Mel couldn't shake a fantasy of Nate. Even while wrapped in the arms and leg of Philly, she kept thinking about the intern's bedside manner.

As for Salem's even younger set, after months of misery and being bullied around by nutty Nicole, Mia finally cracked and seemed to hatch a bit of a different persona. Perhaps taking some inspiration from her enemy, Kenzie, Mia tried her hand at being a master manipulator. Although she managed to imbue Chad with the 'ick' factor in Gabi's eyes, she couldn't turn the peppy teen entirely over to her side. After Mia gushed about how Chad was her soul mate, she turned around and sucked face with Will. Gabi caught them at it and guessed that Mia was just pushing her around. Will figured things out too, you can't grow up with Sami as a mother and not spot a lie after all. He finished things with her... again.

Meanwhile, it turned out that Hope knows how to give Bo a taste of his own medicine. Since she walked in on his game of tongue twister with Carly, she must have been plotting out a way to use her tongue for something other than laying the blame for everything on her husband. She came up with a guilt free way to make out with Justin and not have to admit that it's what she wanted. When they were searching Vivian's room for Carly's secret, Viv and Vic returned. The searchers tried to cover by pretending they were only overcome by the desire to search each other's secret places and ducked into Viv's quarters when they heard a noise. Viv gagged and Victor ordered Justin to goosestep out of his mansion. As soon as Justin began hauling out his boxes, Beauregard Aurelius Brady, or "Babs", as he's sometimes known, showed up, fresh from hearing about the tonsil teasing from a gloating Vivian. After he rehashed his argument with Hope about how they would 'do anything for each other but they can't do that', he repeated his less familiar argument with Justin, about how his cousin now has Hope while Babs has nothing... and then Babs remembered Carly, who just happened to be having a panic attack after being stuck in an elevator with Salem's giggle factory, Vivian. Viv left her behind as the elevator started to malfunction. Babs ran to her rescue. And since this is Salem, we all know what happens after there are elevator problems. Who knew a dysfunctional shaft could be such an aphrodisiac?

Oh... and Mickey died, less than two weeks shy of his birthday. Sorry if that sounds like an afterthought, but it was written that way in the script. The long absent character, whose chief characteristic became the fact that he was always off-screen, collapsed. Maggie attempted to revive him but had no luck. RIP Mickey Horton: January 19, 1932 - January 7, 2010.

And now... the spoilers. If you don't want to know, please avert your eyes now and have a nice weekend of frolicking and skating, eating your final candy canes and knocking over lawn ornaments with snow balls. Bo might want to build a little fort to protect himself after Victor hears that he and Carly took an 'elevator ride'. While Victor berates him, calling upon every language he knows for the full range of insults, the rest of his family seems to be headed for equally dubious choices. Philip, sensing danger, decides that he and Mel can't wait around any more and need to get married right away. The fact that Mel and Nathan can't stop telling each other how much they don't want each other might have tipped him off that something is seriously wrong. Meanwhile, Hope already seems to have realized that something is horribly wrong and is busy laying into Carly. While Bo gets between them, insisting that he's laid into Carly enough, Vivian licks her lips as she suspects she's already stumbled upon Carly's daughter. Of course, she's not the only one out for revenge. Troy sends a goon after Ari again and Brady rushes to save her, but will that he enough to convince her that he's still a good bet? And EJ's plan to get his daughter back continues, though Rafe might get in the way.

Lines of the week:
Bo: You're the same Carly I fell in love with. 

Brady: I think on some level Nicole went insane.

Anna: I've heard about you. How could you do the vile and disgusting things you have done in your life? Sydney will never come home unless you do something for me.

Sami: I lied to Rafe and now I don't know if I can trust him.

Hope: It just happened... It's not what you think... It's my fault...

Vivian: That duplicitous little tramp. Lawrence's ashes are barely cold and she's trying to lure Bo into her sticky little web.

Vivian: I guess we both have a lot on our mind. Specifically, the little succubus named Carly Manning.

Vivian: I wouldn't keep pushing that button, Carly. You can breathe my air. It won't kill you. This must remind you of the trying time in the casket. I must admit that was very satisfying. But I have regretted it ever since. The truth is I should have just buried you dead.


More Musings:
Matt's current Musings
Matt's Musings on Days of our Lives from 2009
Matt's Musings on Days of our Lives from 2008

All photographs are courtesy of Soapoperafan.com.

 

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