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new! August 16, 2013
were looking grim for Sami the slammer sap. When she managed to stop
herself from her near perpetual sobbing and brow furrowing, she sucked
it up and tried to inhale some beef. She was shocked to discover that
not only is meat murder, but it wanted to kill her too. The burger came
with a little note saying she was a dead woman. Although the ability to
write on napkins in blood may have just been the byproduct of the
genetically modified livestock owned by DiMera Enterprises, Sami
decided not to take any risks and upchucked her meal in the local
turlet. Considering how many viewers had written in wondering where
Sami's toilet was, this barf party must have come as a blessing in
disguise. EJ soon arrived to clean her face with his tongue and make
her feel better by cooing vague statements about freeing her. These
were destined to make her even more paranoid than usual. Elvis had just
flown in some goon to do his bidding. He handed him fifty Gs to plant
in the dead cop's house, somewhere where even the Salem PD could find
it. They called in a tip but Stefano was one step ahead. He sent in one
of his surprisingly competent goons to snatch the money. The cops were
left with nothing to find. For a moment, EJ presumed their normal
ineptitude but soon surmised that his papa had taken a break from
whatever games he and Ceciley play with the cigar just so that he could
screw up his scheme. The week continued on a sour note. Although Elvis
sent Sami her Pepto Bismol dress to make her feel better, the sight of
it at her latest hearing seemed to make the judge feel ill at ease.
Although he agreed, thanks to Justin and EJ's dirty dealing, to allow
Samanther to have a closed trial, after seeing her pink outfit he
decided the world would be a safer place with her locked up. The one
bright spot of the week came for Sami when she had a visit from Kate.
They decided to re-enact the crime. This game of charades eventually
led to them realizing that Bernardi wasn't swinging for Rafe's gullet
but was actually planning to whack off his sex stalk.
everything was so bleak. While Theresa scalped some symphony tickets in
order to buy some lint free coke, JJ was busy baking up a storm at the
Horton house. After his mom cooked up some donuts for the book club, he
whipped up a batch of his own and added a fist full of Hawaiian
laughing leaves into the recipe. It wasn't long before this potential
PSA ad turned into a sitcom routine. Adrienne switched out the dope
donuts for the ones Jenn baked. Considering they were covered in white
powder, I guess they were just lucky that Double J sticks to the
lighter side of narcotics. Face stuffing commenced. Although Rory, Bev
and JJ were such burn outs that it took them well over an hour to even
notice they weren't baked, the Salem book club got totally wasted and
didn't even notice. By the time that Double J returned to the Horton
house, the dope donut orgy was just winding down. Decked out in their
finest deckwear, Nicole had spent most of the evening hiding on the
toilet with a bottle of wine while Julie railed about how much she
hated cruises. As Kayla caked her face with peanut butter, Julie
attempted to demonstrate her ability to get out of handcuffs. Since she
failed at that, they had to call the cops in to release her. As usual,
reformed pill popper Hope and the rest of the Salem PD couldn't
recognize a gaggle of ganja gobblers when they saw one. Or maybe Hope
was just distracted because Babs had called her to say he was going
undercover indefinitely. He put less effort into that than you would
into ordering a pizza. I guess he was too busy practicing his talent
for accents to take the time.
Although she had
reunited with Brady, Kristen was still feeling worried about the fact
that she'd raped a priest. Making it even worse, she had to work with
him. Making that even worse, she suddenly noticed that she'd missed her
period. Some people were a little more surprised she was still having
them. Considering how sterile she is supposed to be, it must be some
kind of miracle, or Satanic prank, that the cogs in her rusty baby
factory have started to turn again. Thanks to Eric's vow of celibacy,
saving up so much sperm must have made it super potent. She went
straight for the pregnancy tests. Brady caught her but didn't figure it
out. Crazy K insisted that she was only there to find something to blow
her nose on... like all of those tampons she was surrounded by. He
bought this. However, Jenn, fresh from her five minute memorial for her
spam-in-a-can husband, managed to instantly figure out that her friend
wasn't only possibly with child, but also with the child of some man
other than Brady.
Please note that this is
the final issue of Matt's Musings. After EJ discovered that he was
behind the death threat which Sami received with her meal this week, he
had him abducted and dissected. His organs were quickly sold on the
Salem black market and the rest of him was ground up and sold as food
to the local fish farm. His ghost will continue to work for Soap Opera
Fan and Soaps.com since the company required him to sell his soul to
them when they hired him.
Lines of the week:
Julie and Adrienne: Eat me!
Nicole: Don't ever say that to me again.
Kristen: I love it when you're obvious.
Julie: I need you to bring a key so I can eat soup again.
Nicole: I'm a vortex of emotions!
EDITOR'S NOTE ABOUT MATT'S "FINAL" THOUGHTS:
It's not actually
EJ's fault we're losing Matt. After seven wonderful and enormously
amusing years of recaps and blog posts, Matt will soon be busy with
graduate studies. All isn't lost, as he'll stay on to continue writing
for Soaps and Soap Opera Fan in a smaller capacity. You'll even be
seeing him recapping and blogging here on Soaps.com from time to time.
August 9, 2013
of my memories of this week's episodes were somehow cremated along with
Joe Bernardi's body. However, I managed to extract a few from the fire
and paste them back together to present this little image of what went
down. Thanks to Kayla's hardheaded, if half-assed, work, there was the
suggestion that, even at close range, Sami wasn't competent enough to
kill someone. Surprisingly, EJ hadn't voiced this possibility sooner.
Justin ran off to get a court order to have the body exhumed for
another autopsy. Unfortunately for them, Marge decided to burn her
husband instead of the cash it takes to bury someone in Salem. EJami
were crushed by this news. It was almost as bad as the fact that EJ
keeps visiting her and doesn't even bring any food with him. Visibly
frustrated by the fact that they haven't been able to have any
between-the-bars action, EJ decided to take matters into his own hands.
He called in one of his goons to make sure that 'evidence' would
surface that Bernardi was a dirty cop. Over at the hospital, Rafe
continued to waffle between being a vegetable and what passes for
consciousness. He was getting really bummed out about the fact that his
hands didn't work. Having Kate around was a mixed blessing. Try as hard
as he might, he couldn't get anything to move for her. She promised
that she would make sure his bits and bobs were back in working order
soon. Kate managed to finagle a special physical therapist into the
system so that Rafe would have someone competent to work with on his
DiMera Enterprises was running itself this week. While EJ was at the
cells, Kristen spent most her week running between the rectory and Casa
DiMera, where Brady was trying to get her naked and the priests were
trying to get her to help clothe the town orphans. She opened up the
week by hiding in the toilet of Ace Ventura after destroying all of the
evidence he collected. Once Daniel, Eric and Ventura pooled their brain
cells to figure out how to open a door, she escaped by the window. She
had a harder time escaping from the wrath of Marlena. Once Brady had
been forced to confirm that he was back with Crazy K, Marlena stalked
over and tried to pop her head off like she was a Barbie doll. Brady
managed to stop her and sent Marlena packing. After just being lectured
by Victor for being Salem's stupidest man, Brady decided to show how
smart he could be by manoeuvring Kristen away from the crusty DiMera
sofa so that he and his lady love could make the beast with two backs
on EJ's desk.
And the summer romances continued to burn around town. Cameron and Abs
had a picnic. He ate her quinoa and wished she'd let him do a whole lot
more than that. But both of them were a bit worried about Chadsworth.
For good reason it turns out. He finally got confirmation of what we
already knew, that he is dying from a brain tumor. At least Chad
actually has something going on under his haircut. It has become
increasingly evident that there is no more substance to Sonny than a
rug. He knotted it up to show Samanther how sorry he was and then
managed to make up with his mama. That was a breath of fresh air for
Adrienne since she had just had another blow-up with Justin. Victor was
appalled by all of this. It was obvious to him that Adrienne was the
one wearing pants while Brady and Justin had turned into the two halves
of a pair of assless chaps. Meanwhile, Double J was getting upset by
Theresa yanking his chain and nothing else. After Theresa blew him off
to make a play for Nick when she was under the mistaken assumption that
he was a rich stockbroker, Double J realized that her judgement really
sucked. He made plans for an evening with Bev instead. She had some
plans of her own for them but Double J already knew that no matter what
drug you happen to be on, watching "Twilight" is still a bad idea. Even
more disturbing that this prospect was what was actually happening
across town. After more less-than-subtle prodding from anyone with a
nose to shove in her business, Jenn flounced her way over to Daniel to
entice him with her scooby snack. She dragged him by the tongue back to
his sack where they rolled around like two cats in heat trapped in a
bag of old Depends. Only moments later, she was asking him to keep
their raunchy reunion a secret from all and sundry. Much of the
audience wished they'd kept the whole thing away from prying eyes.
While Dr. Dan may not have a tie to hang on his door to prevent people
from being traumatized, he did, he insisted, have a bit of dignity.
After screwing around with Chloe (and Kate, Nicole, etc), he decided
that if he couldn't do it in public, he wouldn't do it at all.
The bright light of the week came when, in spite of Theresa's desperate
bids to land a man, she actually managed to get close to a hook up that
would make sense. This was the week when Theresa and Anne Milbauer
finally met. Although Anne was all ready to hate her guts, after seeing
the way she treated Jenn, she changed her mind. When their eyes met,
they could see how profoundly their mutual loathing of Jenny ran.
Lines of the week:
JJ: She just needs to make sure you're not a forty-year-old stripper.
Brady: I'm a big boy. Butt out.
Victor: (to Justin) You were usually the one who used his brain... the
only one acting like a man in the Kiriakis family is your wife.
August 2, 2013
Dustin stepped in for Matty this week. Check out his Thoughts on Days here.
July 26, 2013
was another big week in Salem as everyone flocked to the opening of the
new school funded by the proceeds of organized crime and cosmetics
companies and then carefully kept on schedule thanks to the hard work
of a witless priest and his washed-up porn star assistant. In spite of
all of this, Sami still managed to be the one to cast a dark pall over
the event. Bullied by DA Melinda, apparently the only Salemite eager to
get much work done, Abe had to go over to the sacred ceremony and ruin
the mood. To honour her twin on his big day, Sami had first used the
event to announce her wedding date and then used him to publicly claim
her innocence. Samanther compared herself to the holy man and spoke of
how identical they were. Flashing back to her rape of the priest,
Kristen stared at the booty of handcuffed Sami. After speaking of how
great she was, Sami tried to one-up her brother's selflessness by
saying that this should just be his day. The bishop didn't feel quite
the same. Father Eric went to hide in the shadows while his sister was
taken off in cuffs. Over at the police station, mourning Marge and
anxious Adrienne waited. Melinda eventually called them in to explain
the re-arrest of Samanther based on new evidence. EJ was so furious
that he could hardly blink. The steam that was pouring out of his ears
had managed to weld his eyelashes to his eyebrows. Justin wasn't
thrilled either, not with anyone. He was so miffed that he quit being
EJami's on-call lawyer. As Elvis puttered over to threaten Adrienne,
Sonny was so distraught that all of his hair fell out and he began
wearing a wig. He blamed himself for the mess. William tried assuring
him it would be okay and squeezed his wig for luck.
Rafe continued his long,
groggy return to the land of the relatively conscious. His little
sister tried spoon feeding him. She refuses to make choo-choo noises so
it failed. He was getting weaker by the minute. The baby came in to
burp at him and it nearly knocked him back into a coma. Dr. J explained
that there would be many tedious months of recovery ahead for the
head-cracked detective. Kate could hardly wait for that. In the
meantime, she would have to settle for giving him 'milkshakes' until he
got his strength back. The detective did receive a few clues however.
Gabi explained that he'd been put in the vegetable patch for months
because of her unholy obsession with muffins. Kate then told him
something more digestible, like the fact that Sami shot his friend Joe.
Still wandering in a
thick fog of stupidity, Jenn could hardly notice the scent of pot that
wafted from her office since Theresa hot-boxed the joint. Abs had
noticed it and didn't waste time lecturing her baked brother about the
baddies he was spending his free time with. Double J didn't take it in.
Instead, he set off on the latest errand from Theresa: to get her some
nose candy so they could have a private party. While Double J sent his
minions off to score the coke beneath the noses of the SPD, Theresa was
already distracted by other things. After sitting through another brow
furrowing tirade from her muscular work mistress, Theresa was ready to
ditch the joint when she happened to lay her eyes on the orange glow of
Dr. J. If Only Double J could have seen that. Not that he has to worry.
Maxine met him for the first time this week and could hardly control
her groans of pleasure. In order to get into Daniel's good books and
tight pants, Theresa suddenly decided to become a model employee, just
as she was driving Jenn to have public conversations with people who
being repeatedly shut down by Crazy K, Brady finally managed to get a
word in edgewise. Luckily for him the word was enough to let him wedge
her mouth open and get his tongue down her throat. But the kind of
reunion was soon interrupted by a fairly random visit to the mansion by
Jenn. Deveraux pushed the DiMera into giving things another shot with
Brady. The daft one soon arrived with an armload of daffodils and they
went off to waffle about their future over waffles at Mandalay.
Witnessing the Bristen brunch was almost enough to make Nicole barf her
breakfast on them. Brady assured her that he was keeping his two heads
in check. She wasn't convinced. Neither was Eric when he accidentally
got the news. He worried that Kristen might come between them. That
will have to wait for the sequel to her sex tape. And after getting
wind that Daniel had hired a super sleuth to go back to the infamous
hotel room and sift through the fluids left in the fabric, Kristen
decided to resurrect her old teeth and disrupt the investigation by
posing as the most gawkingly noticeable character is Salem history.
Lines of the week:
Theresa: The Waltons were a family and so were the Borgias but only one of them was real.
Nicole: You've worked your priestly ass off and you deserve a few bows.
July 19, 2013
Theresa continued to take the lay of the land in Salem, all four or
five blocks of it. In spite of its size, there were enough trees
outside of the square and sleazy alleys that make up the town to allow
drug dealers to operate with virtual impunity. News that a big new
dealer was on the take had already spread to the po-po. Double J was
feeling the lukewarm breath of the SPD breathing is his general
direction. In a place where people donít sweat when it is more than 90
degrees out, even the lukewarm is irksome. She tried settling into
Jenn's employ but that wasn't going well. Theresa squinted her red eyes
and Jenn flexed her biceps. After all of that and listening to the town
priest gush to her about how much the family loved her, no wonder she
felt compelled to hot box the office. Unfortunately for her, Abs
stumbled in before the smoke could clear. Amazingly, Salem's last
virgin could recognize the smell of ganga when she smelled it.
Not everyone this week had the benefit of non-medicinal help. Kristen
was fraught. So much so that she tossed her sex tape straight into
Jesus' face at the rectory. Nicole arrived and heard the porn sounds
emanating from her designer bag. This didn't seem all that out of the
ordinary to her. They had a familiar argument about Brady etc and then
the DiMera flounced around town to keep the air inflating her summer
dress. Her friend Jenn was being nagged by Maggs about Dr. Orange. Now
that it was summer, he felt really ridiculous about sleeping in his
tanning bed alone. Jenn heard that Crazy K had been worrying about her
losing in the love department so they met up in the bushes to discuss
their libidinal debacles. Brady conveniently jogged by and eavesdropped
as his ex-fiancee mourned the loss of her last chance at happiness. He
got so uncomfortable thanks to the revelation that she might have
actually cared that he had to drop his drawers and jump in the lake. He
came out naked and she bore her soul to him. That wasn't as convincing
as his flexing pecs so he stormed off. Doubts nagged him so he looked
to his father for the facts. Actually getting facts out of John took a
while. Once he'd managed to stop his eyebrows from obscuring reality,
he muttered them out and Brady realized that Kristen had actually told
the truth for once. After some non-advice from Dr. Dan and a fantasy
involving Kristen and his favorite neck tie, Brady decided that he
couldn't lose her. Rushing back to her side, he managed to intercept
her before she could give her sex tape to the Bishop.
one scandal was momentarily delayed, more disturbing things were afoot.
Unfortunately Salem's fashion police seem to be even more incompetent
than the SPD because a crime wave was in the works and it was the
town's top beauty conglomerates who were most visibly involved.
Although Sami may have been chased out of the territory which Kate has
built around Rafe, Sami was still moving in on her style. Not only was
she stealing the streaks in her hair, she was also after her wardrobe.
She was running around town like some kind of New Wave Hooker all week,
trying to put the fear of God into everyone with her silver leopard
print pants and a hairstyle that made her look like an extra from an
80s sci-fi movie. Adrienne showed up, dressed like an astronaut's wife
at a picnic in the 1950s. They huffed and puffed at each other.
Adrienne had finally stumbled onto the video which Sonny had
accidentally sent her of Sami attacking Bernardi. The confrontation was
short-lived. Apparently, seeing that Casa DiMera now had paintings that
were so atrocious they could have appealed to Rafe was disturbing
enough to drive her away. Turning pink as a spanked bottom, she ran off
to moan to Justin, who was not enthusiastic to listen. This only left
her more desperate to reveal the secrets of Samanther.
began to fear that William was pushing Sonny away. He was... and
straight into the arms of Brent. Although the shrink assured her
grandson that he was nothing like his mom - we already have Theresa for
that after all - he was still capable of crappy judgement. In spite of
the lack of any onscreen evidence, the myth of Sonny the party God
continued to infect Will's imagination. This was only made worse when
the young Kiriakis acquired a booze license for Caffeinated. Late at
night, they'll call the place The Buzz. Brent was called in to re-do
the decor for this change. Will started to feel a little isolated. If
moving in with Gabi wasn't bad enough, Will once again proved that he's
incapable of understanding how much fun three people can have.
Please note that due to a surprising flash blizzard which knocked up
all of the power, this week's edition of Matt's Musings does not
include Friday's episode.
Lines of the week:
Stefano: Do you still think defrocking a priest is the right way to go?
Kristen: He's been defrocked a-whole lot.
Stefano: Being stabbed in the back is a bit uncomfortable.
Brady: I'm in this universe where everything is ass-backwards. Maybe
ass-backwards is straight ahead. Ass-backwards is the new sure.
July 12, 2013
taking her morning bath in Pepto Bismol, Sami let it bake onto her
flesh under the DiMera sunlamp before hitting the vegetable patch at
the hospital. Rafe was preparing to come out of his coma. A small
cheering section arrived to help him open his eyes. As they bickered
about who should and shouldn't be there, he had nightmares about people
trying to kill him, including Stefano and Sami. Down in the basement of
the hospital, the generators breathed a sigh of relief when news came
that Rafe's brain would start running on its own again. It took a
while, but his eyes started to creak open. Kate wisely ditched her
fishmonger's outfit from last week and dressed in a more subdued
fashion. Just to make sure that her brother was awake and assuming he
would be doped up, Gabba wore some kind of psychedelic throw pillow.
But Sami's merciless peptological madness was almost enough to
completely drive poor Rafe out of his senses and back to the land of
nod. The doctor banned her from his bedside, but she quickly snuck back
in and nearly drove him to the brink again. Post-vegetable, Rafe
warbled out his first sentence as he asked Kate why Sami tried to bump
him off. Kate tried keeping this query to herself but Hernandez was
soon asking the same thing to Kayla and Abe. Eyebrow raising followed.
While Sami was being implicated in a violent crime, a different kind of
criminal activity was at work. Stefano flew back to Salem, confident
that he had quashed EJ's revolt without even having to stroke his chin.
He was shocked to land and discover that Mr Shin had double-crossed him
and sided with Elvis, ousting him from DiMEra Enterprises and his home.
Stefano didn't take the news well and vanished without giving his son
much of a chance to gloat. EJ proceeded to gloat to the rest of the
family. He assured them that he wouldn't be like his father. He started
growing his beard in immediately. Once again, Elvis proved that there
is no one he loves more than Stefano. Not only did he take his house,
his business and begin competing in the facial hair department, he also
had an even worse portrait painted to hang on the wall. When Sami came
home and he told her what he did, he managed to impress her by
screaming in her ears about how much more potent he was than Stefano.
This really turned her on. Her cleavage sweated until he soaked it up
with his stubble, plopped her on the chessboard for some decidedly
unsanitary rooking and then they proceeded to the infamous DiMera couch
of caked on carnality to add a few more stains. The next step in his
redecorating plans will involve he and Samanther sitting on the
photocopiers at DiMera Enterprises and then papering the walls with the
printouts. Then they will have the whole garden painted pink to match
Sami's outfit of the week and finally let the kids finger paint over
the brain spatter still left on the wall. Meanwhile, Chadsworth
pondered whether or not he should move in with his big bro. He
continued to suffer from the unseen trauma of falling on his face at
the Salem beach, or fishing hole, or sink hole or whatever they call
the imaginary water we never see on the pet cemetery set.
Not to be overshadowed by her siblings, Kristen barrelled ahead with
her plot against Eric. Things continued to look bad for the priest.
Seeing his sister snarling in her pink outfit wasn't helping things. He
kept praying for help. Daniel kept swearing for it. The specialists
came up empty. Kristen continued loudly plotting her sex scandal in the
town park. She got her video editor to preview the tape for her under
one of the trees to see if the birds and bees would approve. The editor
seemed to enjoy watching this priest defrocking more than Kristen did.
Perhaps she was still thinking of Sami and her sweaty bosoms... Then the
dastardly DiMera made a trip over to the rectory to have a vague,
quasi-theological debate with Eric about Hell. He left to have a more
coherent conversation with Ciara, leaving crazy K alone to try and
clobber Jesus with her handbag.
And the mischief making continued as Theresa settled in. Not only is
she Jenn's new assistant, it was also revealed that she is Kim and
Shane's less than darling daughter. Just to make this as ominous as
possible, Sami chimed in to say that Theresa reminded her of herself
when she was young. Across town, Adrienne was in a tizzy about her son
prematurely aging thanks to his joining the poop patrol. She went
around town arguing with everyone she could about this. Will seemed
more concerned than anyone that she might actually be on to something.
However, she hadn't quite caught on to the fact that incriminating
evidence against Sami was sitting right under her shnoz.
Lines of the week:
Sami: She reminds me of myself when I was her age.
Sami: I saved Rafe's life!
Kate: And now you're trying to kill him!
Chad: Did you think I was going to challenge him to a duel or something?
Will: Having a kid makes you more mature.
Lucas: I don't know. It didn't really work for me. And your mother has like four kids and she still acts like she's twelve.
July 5, 2013
Sami went before the
grand jury for an afternoon of stomach turning drama. The fact that
Sami's litany of crimes has gone almost utterly unpunished meant that
the pattern of psychosis that has been the most consistent part of her
life was left at the door. Yet, with no evidence to back up her story
other than her blubbering, she was let off the hook. The prosecution
had pressed for murder and couldn't prove it. Justin didn't even have
to speak or offer evidence. The jury of Sami's peers were just
impressed that she shot someone in the back instead of stabbing them.
In Salem, that is justice enough. While most of the town was astonished
by the incompetence of the prosecution and the utter lack of drama, EJ
and Justin were simply more interested in their business plans. They
spent most of their time acting distracted, which wasn't helping him
with Adrienne. Whenever she isn't inflating her skirts for her shift at
the retro diner or whatever she does, she was in a tizzy about her son.
No wonder he ran off to Europe.
speaking of mollycoddled sons... After taking Double J home from the
cop shop, Jenn ordered him up to his room without any munchies. The
only pot he was allowed was one to piss in. The second she left the
Horton hovel for Jonas' joy factory so that she could dump the
befuddled surgeon once again, Double J slipped out meet with Rory and
the rest of the crew in the Salem pet cemetery. It wasn't long before
some lady clothed head to foot in dungaree cropped up and asked him to
share his stash with her. It must have been good. His eyes were so red
he could have had pink eye. Double J tried to wink. He wanted to share
a whole lot more than his hash stash. She thought he was flirting and
said she wasn't into robbing the cradle. Since the two of them look
practically the same age, this would have been inexplicable if she
wasn't wearing a top with a cougar print on it. Although he was
grounded, it was only a few hours before his mom let him out. She made
him go to the family picnic. It's unclear if that meant she was going
easy on him or punishing him some more. Adrienne regaled him with
stories of him falling on his head all the time as a baby. He still
found the time to slip away, do a drug deal, and flirt again with the
woman of indiscernible age.
The arduous duty of
cleaning up baby byproducts was starting to get the better of Gabba.
Her obsession with "Three's Company" references had led her to build a
small shrine out of old diapers to Jack Tripper in her room. She even
used the wisdom she'd gleaned from the series to try and encourage Abs
to flex her girl power and pull the two men chasing her along until
they were twisted up like a cat's cradle between her hands. Just to
drive the point home, Theo asked her to be the 'pickle in the middle'
between the two men. Chadsworth and the virgin surgeon did their best
to compete for the booby prize. Abby seemed completely clueless what to
even think about it. Considering Gabi spends all of her time with her
ex and his boyfriend, we can surmise what she dreams about being the
pickle in a male on male sandwich. This fantasy land was starting to
seem a little less grand though... for William anyway. Sonny's old
friend Brent had come back to town and could hardly believe that the
Kiriakis had left behind a life filled with raves and poppers to play
pops to a Brady baby. William conveniently eavesdropped on this and
assumed Sonny must really be wasting his life.
Abby wasn't the only one having some pickle problems. Ever since she
molested a man of the cloth, Kristen has been chomping at the bit to
make her most recent foray into vengeance part of public knowledge. She
may have spent years running a harem, but she had never learned how to
edit porn together to make it believable. Since Nicole wasn't going to
be any help in that department, Kristen had to farm out her sex tape so
she would have enough spare time to taunt Nic and Brady about the
priest. They weren't really following along. Her plan nearly hit a
premature climax when Father Eric almost opened the video on her
tablet. It turned out that the DiMera and Sami had the same password on
their tablet. Was this another sign that they are soul mates? Perhaps.
The most astonishing moment of the week came when Kristen admitted, if
only to herself, that she wished that she'd raped Sami instead of Eric.
This can only hint at the kind of conversations that she and 'EeeeJ'
Line of the week:
Kristen: It's too bad I
couldn't have used you to get back at your mother... but I don't think
you swing that way. Too bad. It could have been glorious.
Anne: I should take a picture. A Horton coming into work on a holiday is an historic occasion.
June 28, 2013
Sonny and Gabi settled in together at their new pad. She said it was
just like '"Three's Company" with a baby'. If that's true, I wonder
which one of them is Chrissy. The baby cried all night. William was
more stoned on painkillers than Double J and Rory combined so he slept
through it. Although Sonny played with Will's buttons on every chance
he got, the only thing he got to wipe off some bedsheets was baby crap.
Sonny was up with it all night. He thought he was seeing double but
Gabi explained to him that the doctors said the baby's tail would fall
off after a couple of days. Sonny's new family lifestyle was being
cramped by his old one. His mother returned from a brief trip to Puppet
Land where she picked up one of Miss Yvonne's old dresses, but it still
wasn't enough to distract her from her panic over her son and his
terrible taste. She ran around town yelping about the doom her little
Sonny boy faced. No one was impressed. Adrienne realized that
protesting was pointless and offered to join the Sami Brady Fan Club if
it would make her son happy. Considering the other freaks who have
joined up, he suggested she give it a miss. For her part, Samanther ran
off to give Ma Brady 'the blarney stone' a rub and a kiss for luck at
her hearing before the grand jury.
Elvis managed to get
Samanther out on bail and took her home. He cleaned the scum of the
Salem cells off her as they practised dropping the soap in the shower.
Justin dropped in to explain that she was being charged with murder.
They were sure this was overkill on the part of the Salem DA and going
over the top was doomed to backfire. Elvis was already distracted by
his plans to bring down his father. Meanwhile, Kristen continued to
keep some of the other family traditions alive. While drugging and
violating Salem's holiest under 40, she recorded the entire thing and
quickly began editing her sex tape. Soon it will join the league of the
Mel and Philly sex fest and EJ and Kate's desk drilling but will it be
able to compete with Misty Circle's body of work? Eric scarcely had a
clue that he'd had an out of his mind experience in crazy K's body. But
he was having a hard time with reality in general. Nicole called up the
state budget office and blackmailed them into passing along permission
for the school. Father Eric interpreted this sudden development as a
direct act of God.
sexually molesting a priest wasn't bad enough, something even more
salacious happened this week. Even a palooka like JJ could hardly
handle the sight of it. He, Rory and their new friends Bev and Cole
ripped off a shop and walked halfway across the square to compare their
loot in broad daylight with dozens of people walking around. Cole then
decided to protest the 'plastic rich people' of the town who were
lording it over them by trying to tear down the Horton tree. Double J
was horrified and it only got worse when Cole dumped his blue goo all
over the plaque. JJ pummelled him. The cops arrived and hauled them
down to jail. Jenn came down to take her son home. Abe had used the
dead dad guilt card to get Salem's angriest shopkeeper to drop the
charges against the jerk. Jenn was still so furious that her veins
started to throb and bulge so extremely that they entered the room
before she did.
And, after 'screaming
like girls' together on their trip to Whoopee World, Abby was starting
to feel bad for giving Chad so many mixed signals. He tried downplaying
his by letting his hair deflate and advising her to take all the time
she wanted making up her mind about whether or not she wanted to make
up her mind. However, the metaphors for the story were becoming a
little too over determined as Abs 'Dolly' Deveraux spent much of the
week stroking a furry stuffed panda and wondering which man to pick.
Lines of the week:
Sami: Will has an inexplicable compulsion to tell the truth.
EJ: Clearly a recessive gene.
Nicole: Is this the state capital or Mayberry?
Gabi: I know it's like 'Three's Company' with a baby.
June 21, 2013
Nicole and Brady
comforted each other. She mixed his peanut butter and he buttered her
muffin. They remembered that they still fit together like Legos. After
dancing in the dark they woke up to run another round when their boot
knocking was interrupted by a knock at the door. Eric called up to say
he was there on some holy errand. For reasons which only Eric's
heavenly father must know, Nicole decided that she needed to hide,
which meant running out the back door rather than using the massive,
largely empty mansion and its hundreds of lockable rooms. Apparently,
Eric searches Brady's room and the rest of the joint every time he
drops by so he can perform exorcisms. Nic and Brady managed to outwit
the priest. He had his mind on other things anyway, like his twin
sister rotting away in a Salem cell without so much as a toilet.
Someone had even tried to knock her off. The fact that they'd failed to
finish the job meant either the Salem PD or one of Stefano's goons must
have been behind it. Although she bawled about it, EJ assured her that
it couldn't have been a real murder attempt or she would have been
dead. Things continued to look mediocre for her. Most of the lawyers in
Salem refused to touch her case with a barge pole. Finally, Justin
agreed to do it, confident that his dimples could even get Sami Brady
off the hook. He didn't have much to say to his client though. It was
left to Eric to ask his sister why she shot first without asking
questions. Then it became obvious: she's spent her whole life around
the SPD, whose motto is shoot first, ask questions later. Things
weren't going swimmingly for her father either. Roman had just returned
to work to be informed that he was being relieved of his duty due to a
conflict of interest. Surprisingly, no one was shocked that this was
practicality the first time this has happened.
conflicts continued. Adrienne thought Will was after the Kiriakis gravy
train. Marlena insisted that William had more than enough gravy of his
own, whatever that means. The blonde refused to shrink from the
doctor's demands that she butt out for being ass backward. Adrienne
tried getting Justin onside. He was already in EJ's pocket to be Sami's
savior and not about to get off that train. This left her doomed to
confront Will herself and demand that he break Sonny's heart now so he
wouldn't have to do it later. After all, once he is in full-time
child-raising mode, he'll only be able to do it in a half-assed way.
William refused, but other problems were brewing. It had dawned on Chad
that 'psycho' Sami may be just what her nickname suggests. He
accidentally showed Abby and Sonny a video of Samanther attacking
Bernardi. In spite of this proving Sami's status as a plausibly guilty
whack-job, they decided to destroy the evidence. Abs needed some
cajoling in this direction. Since Chad's towering hair wasn't
threatening enough, EJ did his subtle best. Abs' guts twinged, but not
nearly as much as Sami's when she was finally informed of the video.
She gasped so mightily that she sucked all the air out of Casa DiMera.
She ran to the hospital to prevent Will from finding out. Of course,
this led to him finding out. He refused to let her sacrifice herself
for him. After all, Lucas had already done that with less than
entertaining results. Besides, William was an adult now and after
meeting Vargas a stint in jail wasn't totally without appeal.
dastardly deeds were not confined to Will's family. After rubbing his
brain cell together with Rory's, Double J managed to swipe a load of
laxatives from Doogie's office, pretty much the only thing they had at
the hospital. Proof that Salemites really are full of it. Ever since
the Pu Pang Palace went out of business, the only thing that works
better is a trip to the pub, Barney's Burger Barn or Wong-Low/Wong-Low.
Luckily for Double J, the one thing Salemites need almost as much as a
bowel boost is painkillers. He and Rory quickly sold the few they had,
leaving the more clever member of the town's answer to Cheech and Chong
to head back to the hospital for more. As soon as he accomplished what
his sister keeps avoiding and actually got into Cameron's drawers, Dr.
Cowabunga caught him with his hand on a prescription pad. He decided to
let Jenn handle this again. She didn't. And speaking of dastardly
deeds, Kristen's plans for the toxic Gatorade she'd received from Rolf
2 finally became clear this week. After dressing up like Kris Jenner
and wearing a push-up bra so powerful it launched her through the air
and straight to the capital, she managed to sneak her way into Father
Eric's room so she could dope him up and rape him, proof that family
traits really do run deeper than DNA.
Line of the week:
EJ: (to Justin) I need someone who won't blink and that's you.
June 14, 2013
dragged Brady to the bowling alley in the hopes that indigestion and
some old borrowed shoes would make him forget his nausea over being
out-played by his father's ex. Once they finished balling and burping
cheese, he slouched home and Nicole bumped straight into Kristen. They
brought new meaning to the term 'idiot box' as they taunted each other
about who was better at entertaining the stupidest man in Salem. By the
time that the washed up porn star and the washed up concubine began
pounding on each other in a vintage street brawl, Brady returned to
break up the fracas. John and Marlena (and half the town) watched with
bated breath. The scene must have been the fulfilment of a fantasy for
both of them. Getting her hands on Kristen is something Doc thinks
about all the time. The pawn had just admitted to her that he still
wanted to mate the DiMera. The shrink was appalled. It had been ages
since he'd even whipped cream on her berries. She slapped him. But the
good doctor's week would continue to get worse thanks to her daughter.
at the hospital, Bernardi continued his hunt for what Stefano must have
seen as a cuckold's horn. Apparently, Stefano has a room for such
souvenirs right next to the room housing EJ's scarf collection. He was
going to put Rafe's member beside RoboRafe's to see how they would
measure up. When he dies, it's stipulated in his will that they will
all be sent to the penis museum in Iceland. Sami spotted Bernardi about
to whack away Rafe's willie. Seeing someone else reaching for the
sought after wang made her even less capable of thinking before acting
than usual. Rather than make a squeak, she squeezed one off and shot
the cop in the back. Elvis and Kayla ran in and caught her literally
holding the smoking gun. Surprisingly, he didn't even shudder a little
at the sight of this. While Sami's brain was obviously not in working
order, even with only half of one left he still managed to try and
convince her to keep her gob shut. She couldn't do that. She gushed
like a geyser. Not just to EJ and the cops either, but to anyone who
would listen. Bernardi's wife and child arrived to wait for news and
Samanther was sure to ramble to them about the mystery of peeling
potatoes. Down the hall, EJ helped Hope do her job for her. They
searched for the blade which Bernardi had but kept coming up empty.
Roman arrived just in time to hear that his daughter had shot one of
his men. Bernardi died after surgery. His wife was outraged when Sami
kept loudly declaring her own guilt. She got clobbered for that.
Everyone else was
reacting to the news a bit differently. Even in a coma, Rafe was still
ruining EJami's sausage party. Some girls just like vegetables. Sami
and her mother were more worried about the fact that they seemed doomed
to recycle her death row story. Does this mean that we'll luck out and
she'll be turned into a man again? Marlena admitted to Eric that all of
this felt familiar. The only difference was that her son, at least, was
finally useful. John wanted to be helpful. Everyone told him to get
lost. Meanwhile, Will was so busy rolling his eyes about the whole
situation that he only hazily noticed that his boyfriend had got them a
new apartment and asked Gabba and her baby to move in. And Brady was
even more disoriented. Nicole got a new haircut and then decided to
orient Brady for a trip to her downtown.
And disoriented in a
very different way... Either the dope in Salem is incredibly expensive
or Rory and Double J have smoked their weight in it because they've
managed to go through the several grand his mom doled out to him a few
days ago. I'm not sure how anyone that stoned would have the hand and
eye coordination to actually trash a car unless they were driving it.
Anyway, Double J continued to hate on Scooby as he and Rory plotted
their next big scheme. It helped that Abs is dating a doctor and
accidentally tipped the stoners off about a heap of pharmaceuticals
headed to town.
Lines of the week:
Abe: Bernardi was obviously planning to manicure Rafe to death.
Kristen: Priest wouldn't put out for ya?
Eric: There were extenuating circumstances.
Brady: I was an idiot and a jerk as well as being stupid. Those were the circumstances.
Brady: You're the queen of explanations!
Maxine: None of this is your fault. You're a mom now.
Jenn: So you're saying I'm a lousy parent who doesn't know my kid at all?
Nicole: I'm available if he needs to bury his... rage.
June 5, 2013
disappeared for most the week, leaving the rest of the Salemites to
wander to and fro as things meandered along after the recent big
events. As guts healed and Will's goatee started to sprout, Anne had
something to laugh at when she heard that Scooby's mystery mobile had
been beaten within an inch of its life. Rory and Double J got as wasted
as an intriguing plotline on "DOOL." AA sponsor extraordinaire Maggie
'Red Herring' Horton didn't even notice how baked the kid was when she
was staring him in his dilated pupils. Scruffy couldn't help but
suspect that her son was up to something though. While Scooby managed
to suppress his rage over Double J trashing his invisible car, he was
less forgiving when his half-monkey son nearly fell off the bookshelf
right under the pothead's nose. We thought we'd let JJ's friend Rory
explain the rest..."It was like br-br-br-roar-roar and then like dude
he totally flippin' freaked and like nah-nah-nah ohoho."
of the rest of the truncated week consisted of Chadsworth touring
around to see if anyone would comment on the new coif he was sporting.
When he was not offering the pearls of wisdom he had acquired in his
career as a coffee bartender, he was taunting Cameron over who had the
rights to fish for Abby's pearls. Dr. Doogie was finding all of this a
bit tiresome. Abby was as hard to read as a doctor's handwriting. Young
Miss Deveraux didn't understand that taking Chadsworth to Whoopie World
to 'ride the wild tiger' could have less than entirely wholesome
connotations. She started making convoluted arguments about the
difference between going out-out and going in-out. Even for a virgin,
the distinction should have been clear. Chadsworth continued playing
referee with his family. He attempted to offer his condolences to
Kristen when she wasn't busy dragging herself across the floor in
penance to the self-proclaimed dumbest man in Salem.
ways could hardly quiet his father's growing wrath over the Rate
affair. RicarBo and Stefano unplugged Rafe's machine and turned down
the alarm. It took awhile for anyone to notice the change. Stefano's
plot for revenge obviously wasn't high on his usual passion for the
extraordinarily convoluted and time consuming. No plans of launching an
army of RoboRafes to torture the women in Rafe's life and make things
in Salem more interesting. I guess they closed down the cloning mill.
Instead, he just took out a rather nice Edwardian style straight edged
razor and asked Bernardi to 'cut it off'. Apparently he's been spending
his off-screen time watching my DVDs of the last season of "Passions."
That might be something that even Salem's miracle doctor can't fix.
Stefano wasn't the only
one with something stuck in his craw. Samanther refused to believe that
Rafe could have had tender feelings for Kate. The women compared
bedroom notes. EJ eavesdropped, waiting to hear if he at least came up
as a footnote in this discussion. But even if Kate was a better lover
than Sami, at least Samanther and EeJ could screw her behind her back.
He'd stolen one of Kate's formulas so they could launch an anti-aging
cream earlier than her. But even while being the relatively unwitting
party to corporate espionage, Sami still found time to go looking for
revenge. She and Hope had a blow up about Will getting his guts blown
out. They looked for someone to blame. Since they refused to blame
Ciara, they blamed each other and then themselves, then hugged and
congratulated themselves on being terrible parents.
Lines of the week:
Kate: Playing dumb comes naturally to you Sami, but this time it's going to get you nowhere.
Sami: (to Kate) Anti-aging formula? Obviously you haven't tried it.
May 31, 2013
was an explosive week in Salem. All four days of it spewed ahead with
the intensity of a popped pimple. After this, it will likely take them
two or three months to develop another plot. Rafe continued to vegetate
until he began sprouting. The nurses had to come in twice a day to
shave the sprouts away and rush them down to the cafeteria to place in
the salad bar. Down the hall of the fully packed hospital, Gabbah and
Will both recovered from having something taken out of their guts.
Witnessing all of this was taking something out of Nick. He finally
snapped and decided to confess everything. While Will's family filed in
and out of his room to moon about what a saint he was, Nick finally
faced the fact that he was repeatedly beaten and raped by Jensen. He
analyzed himself better than Marlena ever could and told Gabbah that
what he felt for her was likely just a desperate illusion. She was
confused about whether that meant he actually loved her or not.
speaking of love's unpleasant illusions... In her motel room, Kristen
managed to pull her face out of John's mouth. The air rushed to her
brain and she came to her senses. Perhaps it was the thoughts of Brady
or seeing John unbutton his shirt, but she decided that she really had
changed after all. He tried bullying her into riding his leather but
she refused. Security came before anyone else could. Even Roman rode in
and got off his high horse. Kristen escaped and ran over to Casa DiMera
to tell Brady that she loved him more than revenge. Who needs a cold
dish when you can have a hot one? When she arrived, he was staring at
her with one beady eye like she'd just spit in his grits. Marlena had
beaten Kristen over there and brought along the photo which she managed
to pry out of Johnny's little paws. What it meant was still sinking in
for her. Surprisingly, Brady managed to put everything together
instantly and it was all downhill for Kristen after that. He stormed
out. She was left to curse and hammer at the floor while the shrink
didn't shirk her chance to rub the crapulence of the whole event in her
face. Kristen quickly rained on her victory parade by telling her that
John had thrown her on her back so fast that his jockstrap had put him
in traction. After cursing out the doctor, hapless Hope showed up to
drag Kristen down to the station, all for nought. Stefano picked his
daughter up and told the detective that this was all a 'red herring'.
"You mean the Maggie Horton sandwich at Chez Rouge?" the cop asked.
Like all of the other
Catholic children in Salem, Johnny still hasn't figured out that
priests can't get married. Then again, you can probably be someone's
uncle and father in Salem without being a clergyman. Johnny told Eric
that Nicole looked at him the way she used to look at his father. I
guess we should only be grateful that goody-two shoes Taylor is still
out of the picture, otherwise we'd be trapped in a sexless three-way
right now. Eric was literally getting hot under the collar about the
whole thing. He was pulling at it like it was a wedgie around his neck.
Nicole assured him that she could fulfil all of her sexual needs
without any help from him. Considering how thin the walls of the
rectory are, he no doubt knows that already. She demanded that he give
her a full-throated apology. I guess that's the vaginal equivalent of a
deep-throated one. The priest ran up to his room to pray that God look
after her needs. As Nicole fussed over broken-hearted Brady, just plain
broke Double J wondered how he could get the cash to fund his hash
habit. Luckily for him, his gullible mother flexed her muscles to write
him a check for his school books. He and his best dude decided to use
the money to bankroll their own drug business, but still found the time
to vandalize Scooby's mystery mobile.
Lines of the week:
Brady: I don't know how I could have been so stupid.
Nicole: I expect a full-throated apology.
May 24, 2013
rapist Jensen made his way to Salem thanks to a loophole in the state's
legal codes. Hope blamed herself for the chaos he caused since the
warning from it had literally been sitting a foot from her head for a
week. Running across town to blame Elvis was easier than turning
around. Used to such Brady antics, he was taking it in stride, even
recycling the same joke he made about it last week. He strolled around
town looking pleased as punch as he plotted his father's demise. He
explained the last aspects of his plan to Justin. The attorney was
impressed. Few of the details were leaked to the viewers because all of
the legalese would have risked making this already predictable and
undramatic plot mildly thought out.
speaking of thought out, Jensen had dragged his former 'bitch' Nick out
to the woods with Gabba to finish their unsettled business. Considering
how long it was taking him to actually do it, it's no small wonder that
he wound up in prison. He got easily distracted and wandered off to
search the bushes with his dead reptilian eyes. Will and Sonny showed
up. Sonny led Gabbah into a decaying fishing cabin, wrapped her in
tinfoil and then had her squeeze the child out as fast as possible. He
caught it with the Salem Moose catcher's mitt he found in a pile on the
floor. They worried about cutting the cord but a swarm of friendly
ticks came out to nibble it away for them. The baby, apparently already
far more clever than her parents, tried playing dead for awhile to
escape from the future that awaited her. Sonny spanked her until she
belched back to life. Meanwhile, things were a little more grisly for
Nick and his cousin. William hid in the corner as Jensen returned to
get nostalgic with Nick about raping him. William was appalled. He'd
witnessed scenes like this before courtesy of his mom and, as before,
he wound up getting violent. But even smashing Jensen in the head with
a rusty wrench didn't seem to do anything. Jensen's brain was too tiny
for it to be effective. He fought with Will, who was accidentally shot.
Hope arrived just in time to shoot Jensen. Everyone went back to Salem.
Dr. Dan was called in to work his magic. He managed to save Will's life
without even getting his smock bloody.
Avoiding all of the
mayhem in town, Chadsworth and Abs spent their time discussing their
hair and flirting. Her
Cameron was not happy to see them spending so much time together. He
was up to his arms in guts all week though, which left Abs with time to
plan a jaunt to the new rollercoaster park where Chaddington would have
the opportunity to romantically hold her hair back while she puked.
Most of the week's romantic moments were saved for Sonny telling
William how much he loved him. Will was unconscious at the time but his
parents stuck around to eavesdrop. Unless he had been bearing his heart
deliberately for them to overhear, Sonny probably should have been a
little more put-out by this. Judging by the frazzle of his hair though,
he was in no state to know what was going on. Besides, it was crucial
that he drive all of this deep into Will's brain. Scooby has just had
his hands in him and we all know where that leads. If Sonny doesn't
watch out, Will will wind up following the pattern of all of the women
in his family and succumbing to the surgeon's magic hands.
I will be missing
Friday's episode, but Babs contacted me to say that he had a psychic
vision of what it would include. Still enraged that his father was spam
and Scooby was all over his mom's can, Double J decides to up the ante
in his war on Dannifer. He's already broken an MP3 player and a toy
train. Next he plans to place a device in the doctor's stethoscope
which will beam radio signals to it. Now the super doctor will believe
he can read people's thoughts and this could have dire consequences for
some of the people in Salem. And speaking of dire consequences...
Marlena gets stuck in the middle of the epic battle between Ciara and
Johnny. They wind up showing her the photo of Kristen and Sy.
Meanwhile, John and Kristen continue their battle of show me yours and
I'll show you mine while Brady is left to notice that Nicole is wearing
her libido on her sleeve.
Lines of the week:
Sami: I'm going to see that Rafe avoids toxic, predatory females.
Kristen: How could I have fallen for someone as stupid as John?
May 17, 2013
week started with a bang, or at least a thud, as Rafe's tender cranium
was dealt a brutal blow. He was then kicked until he was squirting
ketchup. Hope was called to the scene to investigate. Roman apparently
had a heads up and left town to avoid doing actual police work. Abe was
called away from being endlessly reminded that his wife was dead so
that he could have a different body to contemplate. He didn't bother
sticking around. Hernandez was wheeled over to Salem's most expensive
butcher shop. The accusations about who would have made marmalade of
his mind were soon flowing fast. It was enough to put a pregnant woman
off her anchovy and green tea muffins. In fact, that's exactly what
happened as Gabbah heard the news of the Rafe rollicking and rushed to
her brother's bedside. He had always been so good to her, she sobbed.
What would have happened to her if he hadn't forced her to do her
calculus homework instead of watching "Passions?" She never could have
married an ex-con and ladled clam goo in a back alley pub. Read the rest of this post on the blog >>
May 10, 2013
dropped by the rectory to taunt Father Eric about his mom. If she'd
really wanted to razz him, she probably should have told Fathers Matt
and Tobias that Eric's mom used to be possessed by Satan. Later, Brady
told Kristen that he pulled some strings to assure that they could
adopt a baby. She was so shocked she cried and realized she loved him.
She ran home to sob to her papa. Stefano couldn't see the big deal.
Anyone can buy a baby in Salem for a couple of bucks. She decided to
head down to the secret room to wallow in her memories of the wedding
that never was. Knowing how predictable all of this was, John managed
to bribe his way in to see her and her box of memories. She claimed she
didn't want to wallow anymore. He kept her there to wallow some more.
Surprisingly, he hadn't decided to show up in his old rhinestone
wedding outfit or fancy dress eyebrows. John tried twisting his face
into a hypnotic pattern but she got tired and abandoned the
conversation. Meanwhile, Marlena continued to come off as the world's
least insightful psychiatrist, which is saying something. It wasn't
always like that. She used to wear bigger shoulder pads that made her
look authoritative. Now she looks like one of John's more brainless
personalities in a wig. She fretted. Her son Father Eric tried to cheer
her up. That failed. She spotted John and ran away in tears. The priest
and the ex-priest bickered. Eric gave him such a stern warning about
hurting his mama that thunder actually rang out.
While John and Kristen
were re-living the nineties, JJ popped up in Salem dressed in the
height of nineties fashion. Scruffy was startled and had to time to
comb down the post-groping frazzles in her hair. She'd just spent the
afternoon in bed with Scooby finding new uses for the toy trains they
keep buying Parker. It wasn't a happy homecoming for the double J. He'd
been expelled from boarding school for dealing the hippy lettuce. He
insisted it was only his roommate, Screech, who was selling the way of
the woo. At least his sister was happy to have him back. It momentarily
distracted Abs from making double entendre to her abtastic boyfriend
about the possibility of them one day rubbing abs together.
the outskirts of town, Elvis continued with his apparently biennial
attempt to take his father down. Justin admitted that the plan was
better than he'd anticipated. This should probably send shudders
through the world. The last time that Justin thought a legal plan
sounded great it meant guaranteeing that we would be lumbered with
Gabbah indefinitely. Back in Salem, where the action is, Will was so
nervous for his mom's scheme to work that he started doing some kind of
Woody Allen impression in most of his scenes. Eventually, he managed to
tell Rafe that Nick didn't like gays. Rafe was in a rage and ran off.
It turned out Will had good reason to be nervous. His mom's plan was an
'epic fail'. Trusting Stefano was stupid enough, but she couldn't even
outwit someone who had the combined stupidity of a DiMera goon and a
member of the SPD. Bernardi refused to give her the damning evidence.
She tried jumping on his back to wrench it away and failed. Then Nick
grabbed her and demanded the cash she stole from him. She threatened to
kill him. He pointed out that he had dozens of copies of Will's
confession. Even with the combined brain power of Sami, Will, Sonny and
EJ, it had never occurred to any of them that you can make a copy of a
digital file. Sami was sunk. But Nick's life continued to get
complicated. Rafe vaguely confronted him about his plan to confront Gabi.
Nick decided to stop him. Moments later, Rafe was pounded on the
cranium. Considering the fact that Elvis was in a barely stifled rage
over hearing his son admit that he would rather live with Hernandez,
and even more disturbingly, in the same cramped apartment as a
Rafe-Sami-EJ sandwich, he might have ordered the clobbering... Or Nick
could have done it... Or Hope could have cracked under pressure and
reverted to one of her alternative personalities.. Or the Salem fashion
police could have learned that Rafe had another miniature FBI jacket
for Johnny and decided to stop him from delivering it.
Most of this week's
conversations didn't really go anywhere. Vargas managed to keep having
one with Nick about how his cash wasn't going anywhere. Vargas was
desperate to have his money tripled. Since Nicole won't have sex with
him, he's totally screwed. Nick tried explaining economics to his
former cellmate but his Count von Count impression wasn't cutting it.
Vargas was probably worried that Nicky was going to take his order to
'grow' his money literally and buy 30,000 dollars worth of babies. In
fact, Nick was planning to invest the money in an exciting new product
created by DiMera Enterprises. As you may have noticed with one happy
customer in Horton Square, it is triggered by your iPod and causes your
ass to start inflating until you begin convulsively dancing in a
desperate bid to try and keep it from exploding.
Lines of the week:
Daniel: Holy barnacles!
Ciara: She'll be back ten minutes ago.
Father Eric: What's your problem?
John: What's your problem, son?
Kristen: It's okay, priests are people too.
May 3, 2013
It was another week of
the grand plots of Salem gently unfolding like lilies reaching for the
sun in a fresh manure patch. Sami and EJ continued to settle into Casa
DiMera, easing Will into his life in the vague expectation that Stefano
will come to look kindly on his predicament. They seemed to think that
if they act like comfy furniture, he will suddenly start granting them
wishes. But could this plan to rub the supervillain's belly until he
farted out miracles really work?
pulled Sonny and Adrienne into the ever-expanding plot against Nick. At
this rate, half of Salem will soon be in this massive pile-up. But even
with the town's two major crime families against a single gaunt geek,
they are still doing a crummy job. I have to admit that I've grown to
like evil Nick in spite of myself. The show has gone so far out of the
way to make him unsympathetic that it's surprising they don't have him
drowning puppies and kicking Gabba in the baby oven. Considering how
outnumbered by obnoxious enemies he is, he manages to become likable
simply by contrast. Besides, no one else was making random and clever
"Diff'rent Strokes" jokes. Vargas handed Nick a loaf of cash and urged
him to buy some magic beans. Before Fallon could do it, Sami, Lucas and
Sonny swanned into the mansion. Using Allie as bait to distract Maggie,
Sami and Sonny slipped into Nick's lair. He stole Fallon's flashdrives
and Sami nabbed Vargas' cash. Nick rapidly discovered this and
confronted her. Luckily, EJ was there to defend her. If he hadn't been,
she probably would have shot him, although that might have made EJ even
more jealous of Nick than he was of Rafe. She had a gun handy thanks to
Kate, who dropped it off as an engagement gift. You can't say
everything with roses. Sami assured Lady Roberts that she didn't need
protection. Too bad that's what she always taught Will. The anti-Nick
brigade stopped being so cocky when it dawned on them that Stefano
might actually screw them over. Sami took Elvis to bed and he offered
to take his father out for her. He'd already managed to talk Justin
into helping him with some kind of mysterious corporate take-over to
speaking of destruction... John continued his plot to break apart Brady
and Kristen. He wasn't just plotting on his own either; he seemed to be
on a completely different show which required him to conjure up bizarre
feats of facial gymnastics and use mysterious accents. Apparently one
of those stolen flashdrives must actually have contained John's fully
functional brain because he's just running on 'fumes' as someone said a
few weeks ago. He gave Marlena back her key, barked at Roman and then
ate a croissant. He was in a hurry to get back to his room to watch his
"Rawhide" DVDs but not before admitting to Victor that he was planning
blow up Kristen's scheme and he was going to do it by giving her a
poke. Victor was so appalled that even insults failed him.
Over at the rectory,
there wasn't a lot of Christian love around. There wasn't even a lot of
lust, Christian or otherwise, as Vargas and Nicole became enemies even
faster than they nearly became bedmates. He continued sucking up to the
padre and threatening the ex-porn star to keep her mouth shut and stay
out of his business. Nicole told him to drop the Eddie Haskell act.
This reference was lost on me until I looked it up and recalled that
Misty Circle starred in "Leave It To My Beaver." This is no doubt why
Vargas couldn't resist doing his carefully studied fake orgasms to her
face to taunt her. Meanwhile, Cameron and Abigail, or the Cabbage Patch
Kids as they are known around here, continued their long journey down
lover's land. Apparently Abby has been taking peeks at Dr. Marlena
Evans' "The Secret to Loosening Your Lover's Belt is in The Kitchen."
She ordered whipped cream at the restaurant to impress Cameron.
Somehow, the double entendre of her covering his chocolate with her
cream didn't quite break through his chiseled good looks into his
Lines of the week:
Sami: If I'd stayed awake during Biology we wouldn't have Will.
Roman: Just how dumb are you?
Ciara: Brady wouldn't marry a pirate.
Victor: Couldn't you do something less drastic? Couldn't you just kill her?
Abe: You're going to heroic lengths to keep this vague.
Nick: What? You talkin' 'bout what Will is?
April 26, 2013
anti-Anne conspiracy continued this week as Abba roped Maxine and
Jennifer into helping her derail Lady Milbauer's mischievous plan to
ruin Cameron's career. Or at least his career as a doctor. His career
as a careening pelvis seemed pretty safe. Knowing that Cameron would be
greasing the rail, Anne dragged the hospital administrator, Mr. Burns,
to Chicago to watch. Unfortunately for her, Abba realized what she was
up to and recruited Salem's most devious sociopath, Sami Brady, to help
foil the plan. The ladies ended up sending Scooby, Rafe and Brady up on
stage to peel. If Babs had been there they nearly could have been a
Village People tribute act. Anyway, the men doffed their tops for a
nearly Amish level of lewdness that drove the women of Chicago into a
frenzy. Even Kristen looked like she'd been electrocuted. If all of the
strip clubs in Chicago are this lame, no wonder only one manages to
stay open past 9:00 PM. All of this worked on Mr. Burns. Anne's plan
collapsed and she continued down the road to a world of pain. The
next day, Jenn got her job back and got in Annie's face about it.
Jenn's sudden explosion of feistiness leads me to assume that Daniel's
sperm must be as magical as EJ's. While the women the surgeon sleeps
with usually go insane or become sex fiends (or both), Jenn's developed
a backbone. This can only be the beginning of her slowly metamorphosing
into some kind of dinosaur like creature.
This wasn't the only
story leading off in odd directions. It seems like Dannifer ripped this
week's adventures out of Misty Circle's old catalogue. Wasn't a
cash-strapped doctor who started stripping and got their friends into
it the plot of "The Naughty Nurses' Night Job?" Not that it matters. A
former porn star living with, and lusting after, a priest while
shacking up with an ex-con just happened to be the plot of "Misty
Circle's Second Coming." Unfortunately, in real life, this didn't pan
out quite the same for Nicole... After he offered her a taste of his
cream donut, Nicole could hardly say 'no' to Vargas. They climbed on
top of her desk in the church office. Before they could begin doing the
beast with two backs on top of the plans for the monthly bingo, Eric
walked in. He tried to control himself and all of the heat under his
collar went straight to his hair, causing it to lurch out in a cowlick
half a foot off his head. She reminded him that she'd never promised to
be a nun. She and Vargas went up to her room. They stripped and she
wrapped herself in the ritual full body cotton condom. He licked the
donut dust off her cheeks until she started moaning Eric's name. He
suggested she try not talking during sex. She didn't find that charming
and kicked him out of bed. Nicole the un-nun quit her job. A few hours
later, she was back. After nearly telling a disturbed Father Matt that
he loved Nicole in a manner that wasn't entirely holy, Eric just
couldn't let her go. She decided to stay and they shook on being BFFs
for like ever and ever, Amen.
reminisced with Brady about the old days when Daddy Squints and KD were
whacking balls everywhere with the Salem Moose. Brady became enraged
and went off to lock antlers with his pop. Considering how many mixed
sexual metaphors were floating through the air with the random abandon
of John's eyebrows, Brady wasn't sure what to make of it all. He made
the safe assumption that whatever it was, it must stink. Kristen
thought it stank too. Judging by John's facial
expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop
his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.ging by John's facial
expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop
his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.ging by John's facial
expressions, he was in on the smell as well. She ordered him to stop
his shenanigans. Instead, he clasped her in his arms.
Now, I must confess that
I did not see Friday's episode because this week's Dannifer cuddle pile
left me so nauseous that my doctor ordered me to take the day off. But
here's what I assume happened... Sami and Will continue their
fiendish plot to impress Stefano with their ability to sit in one place
and have an asinine conversation. Brady nearly knocks his father's
eyebrow toupees off when he catches him asking Kristen if she wants to
make a Moose burger. Rafe and Kate argue and then have sex, after which
he notices that he's begun to sprout a grey steak in his hair. And
keeping up with this week's high standards, Caroline, Maxine, and Kayla
decide to open a topless kissing booth down on the wharf so they can
raise money to get Victor a new spine.
Lines of the week:
Sami: You're not going to say I'm being stupid and self-destructive?
Rafe: See? You already know it. I don't have to say a thing.
Nicole: I want to be friends forever.
April 19, 2013
* This week's wrap up may contain spoilers for U.S. viewers readers due to Friday's pre-emption *
was the week that EJamis had been waiting for. After he spent a
mysterious morning with Caroline, fresh from her long time in a Chicago
strip club, EJ pulled his clothes back on and prepared the most
romantic thing he could come up with. Elvis revealed more about his
feelings for Samanther than we've ever known. He set up a symbolic
luncheon for her in the pub and dressed himself up in ocean blue. The
meal consisted of a fine Merlot and some reheated clam chowder. He
explained that it was an analogy for them. He was fine wine, she was
the clam he liked to nibble. No wonder she was confused as to whether
or not he loved the real her. She may be a bottom feeder, but there's
definitely no pearl inside. Dropping on his knees, he popped the
question. Her face contorted fifty different ways to show off all of
her phoney personalities. For a moment it looked as though it was
gagging in a lemon so bitter it would force her face to fall in on
itself. They scraped her together, reheated her and tried again. This
time she slowly burbled out a 'yes'. They were so jubilant that even
running into Lucas trawling though the alley with a boatload of sarcasm
wasn't enough to taint the salty smell of their lovefest. The happy
couple headed back to Casa DiMera to rub bacon against the headboard
where she recently showered pieces of his head.
Stefano was back and in
charge. Just to prove it, he was wearing some kind of leather tie and
had a new thug in toe, RicarBo. Apparently, he's been living at one of
the DiMera cloning farms and was scraped together from DNA left behind
in one of Babs' old biker outfits. Using a special technique, they
managed to clone him straight into the clothes and trapped there for
eternity. With RicarBo at his side, Stefano went out to do his
daughter's dirty work for her. Luckily for him, Sy's run at managing to
outsmart the DiMeras at a Brady level of competence soon took a
nosedive. He had become so fed up with having to live off of peanut
butter sandwiches that he ran out in the middle of the day to grab a
double deluxe explosion from Buddy's Burger Barn. That's all it took
for RicarBo and Stefano to stumble onto him and off him right outside
of the square. But even if Sy was sleeping with the clams, he was still
making Kristen's life a nightmare. She ran around in a tizzy about
where the envelope of doom had gone once it had fallen out of her
clutches. As usual, Brady couldn't get a job as the village idiot if
he'd had Einstein's resume. That's what made him such a great business
leader in Salem. When he wasn't contemplating his problems with Mr.
Wang, he was completely perplexed about how to open an envelope. They
weren't even the spit sealed kind. Kristen started dumpster diving for
it only to discover that the trash had already gone to the dump. But
the envelope had actually fallen into the hands of the quickest witted
member of the Brady clan: Ciara. As she pondered what to do with it,
John started clearing out his old garbage and dumped a Salem Moose
jersey on Kristen. Brady was apoplectic after seeing this apparent sign
Meanwhile, Cameron had
his drawers in a bunch after nearly having his revealing side-career
revealed. If having Chabigail stalk him around town wasn't annoying
enough, he had Ma Brady giving him lewd looks and Abe lecturing him
about how to be a better uncle. The dude was stressed out. Making this
even worse, Mz. Anne Milbauer was still out to get him, even if she was
gagging on her own tongue when she told the Abster that she wanted them
to play nice. But then maybe Anne was feeling lonely...
finally ran out of steam. The diva came to the realization that this
whole Dannifer plot was a dead end. Although she changed her mind about
how to end it so many times the energy she wasted could have powered
the town for a month, she finally decided to light out and leave them
to it. To celebrate, Scruffy and Scooby let out a few howls and then
pelted Parker with enough cupcakes to drive home the point that it was
all so sweet it could rot out your teeth or make you fat enough that
you could no longer turn your eyes away. But they weren't the only
lovers having ups and downs. Kate and Rafe had one of their weekly
break-ups. After he suggested that she might be using him to get to
Gabba, Kate declared that whatever she had that was sloppy for him, it
wasn't her feelings. After their little fight, they quickly reunited.
Down at the rectory, Vargas impressed Nicole with the fact that he
learned how to romance the ladies from watching Jarlena. He pulled out
his own whip cream and they licked it off each other under a portrait
of the Pope. I'm not sure that EJ was ever quite that kinky.
Lines of the week:
Lucas: Let me be the first to congratulate you on your next fifteen minutes of matrimony.
Cameron: They don't take Alzheimer's patients to the strip club for therapy.
Kristen: This is sheer torture.
April 12, 2013
last week's colossal Dannifer debacle, Chloe was left to pick up the
pieces. Unfortunately for her, even Legos would prove too challenging
and the whole thing turned into a hideous stew. Nic told the diva that
she knew she was up to her old 'tricks'. Perhaps Chloe caught on to the
'tricks' double entendre because she reminded Nicole for the second
time in two days that she can't have children. I guess being fertile as
a field of manure makes Chloe think she's the Queen of Crap. Too bad
for her that it was all about to hit the fan. Thanks to spotting
Nancy's stamped passport and the fact that Rafe is always happy to
circumvent the law to help his friends, Dr. Cowabunga got something to
holler about when he received confirmation that Nancy had run out of
the country with his child. The doctor was horrified that his son had
gone to Rio without him and come back without even getting a fake tan.
He confronted the diva about her misdeeds. She was apologetic and then
threatening and then apologetic and then threatening and then
apologetic and then threatening and then apologetic and then
threatening and then apologetic and then threatening. Eventually, she
was exhausted and had to admit that her brain was running on nothing
but 'fumes'. The diva decreed that she couldn't keep the doctor from
Meanwhile, Her Royal
Hortoness travelled all the way to Timbuktu to whine to her mother.
Laura tried to keep herself distracted by brewing abundant amounts of
herbal tea. Scruffy repeated herself about how she kept repeating
herself and couldn't stop gasping about how she couldn't stop gasping.
Things had become so grim for the younger Horton that she'd started to
think that even Anne Milbauer might be right about her after all.
Although this moment of clarity soon subsided, she went on to tease the
audience with a plan to move away to Europe and never be heard from
While half the town
battled for some clueless kid who just wanted to play with his dump
truck, almost everyone else continued to be embroiled over who was
staking claim on the unborn Horton-Hernandez. Things were getting
desperate. Even Sonny turned to Elvis to scheme. Although the prospect
of EJ and Sonny tag teaming to give Will what he wants is something
William has likely fantasized about, he didn't imagine it quite like
this. As usual, Will stood around with his mouth half open while his
mama was busy running hers. After spending last week trying to be
Rosalind Russell, Sami now started cultivating some kind of bizarre
Nancy Sinatra impersonation. It was unclear whether this was a new
fetish of EJ's and he'd skipped from scarves to boots. There was a lot
of kissy faces and grumbling about how they all had to make sure that
Nick never realized that they hate his guts and are out to get him.
This in spite of the fact that they'd already had one fight with Nick
about practically the same thing in that very episode.
of missing the obvious... although Kristen had given him five grand,
that wasn't enough for Sy to get out of town. You see, you need a more
substantial bribe than that to gain entrance anywhere in the world once
they've find out your from America's smelliest fish farm. Kristen was
getting so sloppy that even Brady almost caught on to her. Maybe she
should have gone to see Sy's tattoo artist and just had what she did
written on her forehead? And wishing to help Cam in his hard times,
Abba moaned loudly and publicly about his secret life as a pelvic
gyrator until Anne overheard. She decided to head straight to Chicago
to discover what Doogie has been hiding under his lab coat. Chad and
Abby motored after her. Chadsworth managed to get Milbauer too drunk to
know what was going on, but they could have another problem... Caroline
showed up to watch the show and couldn't help but notice that she'd
ladled the lad's chowder before.
Lines of the week:
Lucas: I'm not going to say 'I told you so,' but I am the one who told you.
Brady: I'd know that face anywhere. I punched it.
April 5, 2013
have to confess that I missed part of this week's proceedings. By the
time Thursday had rolled around, I'd taken so much of a Dannifer
overdose that I actually begged Soaps.com's Christine Fix to either
shoot me or bury me upside-down in a garden to be eaten alive by ants.
Since she is completely evil, she refused and strapped me back into my
chair in the basement at SoapOperaFan with my eyes stapled open. All
the same, it was still hard to stay awake when the most threatening
thing on screen was Vargas. Aside from his ability to rapidly remove
his shirt, he's about as threatening as a Kinder Surprise. That didn't
stop Nick from being in a panic whenever he saw him. The details of
their mysterious deal have yet to be revealed, but given the fact that
Vargas is always taking out his tool and fondling it when Nick's
around, chances are their relationship in prison was tighter than
Fallon cares to recall.
The underwhelming week
continued as Abby and Chadsworth became concerned about what on earth
Dr. Doogie was up to. He was constantly rising above his sexual
frustration with the Salem virgin, apparently by throwing himself into
his work. When Chad and Abby realized that he wasn't allowed to work
fifteen hours a day at the practically patientless hospital, they
decided to follow him and his abs all the way to Chicago. The only
place in that city open after 9:00 PM was a strip club. He couldn't
strip in Salem since all of the strip joints had been torched by the
local puritans. It's been a long time since they shut down Beefcakes
where Peter used to dance. Abby was totally shocked to see her
boyfriend's bulge being stuffed by a load of hooting horny ladies. Chad
decided it was time to unveil his stand-up comedy routine. His
half-sister's half-brother didn't appreciate it. Abby could hardly
close her eyes. It was unclear whether she was more shocked by seeing
that much male flesh or discovering that the most massive thing about
Cameron was his debt.
Back in Salem, Chloe
fretted up a storm to my poor Annie all about how her plan to break
apart Scooby and Scruffy could come to naught. Her eyes darted around
like a fly in an empty mason jar. Kate randomly walked into this
conversation to help pass some time between her bouts of stretching the
leather with Rafe. In a bit of irony, Jenn was forced to break the
heart of the man who had replaced hers. I guess he can always pick up a
new one on the slab. Since breaking up with him right under a photo of
Jack wasn't enough, she did it in front of all of the preying eyes over
at gossip central, aka the nurses' station. Even Maxine managed to keep
her mouth shut as Scruffy barked at Scooby that sex with him made her
feel empty and he wasn't half the man Jack was. If you're going to
discuss sex in a hospital, you have to be really graphic about it
town, Lucas put in his contractually obligated appearance to lecture
Sami for being true to herself. Being true to himself, he soon caved in
to her latest loony scheme and went along with whatever she demanded.
Then Elvis showed up so that he and Sami could rehearse some scenes
from a Cary Grant screwball comedy just like they used to in the old
days. They were one step away from throwing cream pies at each other.
That aspect had to be left to the viewers' imagination. Meanwhile,
William began the slow and steady climb to make his way to ask Stefano
to get rid of his cousin. And Kristen ran around town in her leather
pants, mocking Marlena, reminding John that his judgement is so bad
that he had a mullet for years and trying to threaten one of her thugs
to keep quiet. Unfortunately for her, the DiMeras really aren't as
frightening as they used to be.
Lines of the week:
Vargas: I guess the spiritual thing doesn't run in the family.
Chloe: Anne Milbauer was right about you.
Anne: I already knew she was a bitch but this is hardcore.
Lucas: Are you guys sleeping in your coffins?
Kristen: That mullet. What were you thinking?
March 29, 2013
and extraordinary suffering was in the air for Holy Week in the less
than holy land of the Salemites. Brady is so slow that the beating he
received a few months ago has now started to register. He had a
headache so Daniel urged him to take an aspirin or at least see a
neurologist. Maybe it was the fact that he has sex three times a day on
the most bacteria caked surfaces in Salem that was getting to
him? In spite of the pain in his brain, Brady trailed around town
to spread the news that he was planning to marry the most hated woman
in town. John and Marlena were appalled. This scene was complicated by
the fact that John kept trying on different eyebrow toupees since he
burned his organic pair off by glaring into the sun too long. But try
as he might, none of them quite managed to summarize the depth of his
feelings. Dizzied by their leaps, Brady eventually stormed off. John
tried telling his non-legal wife Marlena how angry he was at her by
literally knitting his false eyebrows together before peeling them off
and stapling them to the centre of his head like an exclamation point.
For her part, the shrink tried giving her facial muscles a break by
simply knotting a red scarf around her neck to distract people. Her
ever-perceptive son Eric managed to ignore this and doled out prayer
advice to her. She turned pink and started grumbling into her chowder
he was scheming with his devious sister, Kate slapped Rafe so hard that
his eyebrows bounced. Soon cluing in that he was clueless, she forgave
him and got down on her knees to do penance. We were always spared what
Sami did to make up for her frequent freak-outs. But it once again
confirmed that female on male violence means foreplay in Salem.
They left the door swinging open and started to open up something else
when Sonny walked in and got an eyeful. Perhaps it was that Poise
lubricant commercial that kept interrupting the scene, but all of this
burned too vivid an image into the Kiriakis' brain. Sonny was
traumatized and, believe me, if you spent a summer as a sex tourist
going to European and Asian underground clubs like he did, that takes
some doing. He ran away. William could sense how disturbed he was.
Sonny told him that they had to be totally honest to each other and
then lied to him about what he'd seen, much to the relief of Kate and
Rafe, who needed some relief after their premature interruption. She
then decided to prematurely break it off with Hernandez as a way of
pre-emptively preventing trouble with Stefano. If she'd tried any
harder, she could have just rewound through the past few weeks of the
show. Of course, this failed. They were back to baking love muffins in
no time. Unfortunately, she left some of her bling in his bed and when
he tried returning it to her, Daniel figured out that they were
knocking boots. Not only that, but Stefano walked up on them.
Meanwhile, Will was keeping secrets from Sonny. He had turned to his
mother and asked her to get help from the last person who blackmailed
him after he'd failed at blackmailing his son who had also blackmailed
him for trying to kill him and so on... The circle of moral crapulence
was as inflatable as Samanther's backside.
And not to be outdone, Chloe was traumatized after spotting Scooby and
Scruffy frosting their oats on the same dingy floor where she used to
do it with the doctor when Lucas wasn't around. She decided to do one
of the few things that Salemites are any good at: exploiting their
children for fun, profit or revenge. Before she could do that, she was
sure to say some things to Nicole that were so nasty a sixteen year old
girl wouldn't even say them to her best frenemy. Chloe started bleating
Charlie Sheenisms until Nicole decided she'd rather spend time in
church. The diva went straight to Her Royal Hortonness. After half an
hour of uncommunicative conversation, Chloe said that Scooby could
snack on her or he could hang ten with his kid but he couldn't do both.
An hour later, this actually sunk in for Scruffy once Chloe had
explained that she'd sent her son to live in Rio and, thanks to the
incompetence of the legal world, Daniel no longer had any rights to his
Lines of the week:
Kristen: Since when can we have a rational conversation with John and Marlena?
Kristen (to Marlena): Can you please not stand quite so close to me?
Chloe: I'm a winner!
March 22, 2013
getting married first thing in the morning, Nick and Gabba went
upstairs to break in their new sheets before she had to return to
slinging chowdah. Since Gabba was already the size of a house, Nick
decided it was time for her to move into the mansion before she burst
at the seams. She liked that idea, but was considerably less impressed
when he informed her that Will and his family were now out of their
child's life for good. Since the Bradys had cornered the market on
sitters, she could foresee a serious problem with this. Meanwhile, mope
as he might, Will was trying to accept the cruel twist of fate that had
befallen him. He was trying even harder to stop his mom from making
this worse. And even if she hadn't already screwed up in trying to
steal evidence, she was now trying to recruit their family's oldest
enemy to help them and spouting three dollar words until it sounded
like Elvis had his hand up her backside. Besides all of the bad blood
between the families, perhaps William had realized that, in spite of
being supervillains, the DiMeras are so incompetent at getting anything
done that the Salem PD even manages to outwit them. Elvis easily
convinced Sami to load their off-spring up so they could all move into
Casa DiMera. Samanther wasn't sure she could pull her punches where his
sister was concerned. Across town, Sonny wasn't pulling his punches
when Nick called him a certain 'f' word. They tussled. Nick was
unfazed. Will continued to worry.
Full of worries of her own, Marlena kept trying to talk to John about
talking. He couldn't talk about it. Roman frequently intruded on these
meta-conversations, inflaming John's eyebrows until they begin
communicating in a language all their own. Since she wouldn't stop
prying into his brain, he finally let her in on the fact that he wasn't
coming around to Kristen at all... it was all a ruse. Brady
conveniently walked in on this and had a tantrum. With family like
Jarlena, marrying into the DiMeras didn't look so bad after all. He ran
to Kristen and asked her to marry him. She wouldn't turn that down, but
she was still startled to realize that she had developed genuine
feelings for this overgrown puppy of a man. He ran off to tell Eric
about tying the knot. Eric thought he was a moron. From your lips to
God's ears, Father.
The priest had more on his plate. Vargas came out of the pen and
straight into Eric's rectory. He immediately turned on his rock-like
charm to convince the padre and police lady Hope that he was determined
to reform. When that wasn't enough, he took off his shirt. That's how
Nicole found him, hot and sweaty in her office. That gave her something
to think about in her long and lonely nights in the convent. Eric
remained as unknowing as usual.
speaking of the clueless... Abby's virgin eyes spotted Cameron doing
something mysterious. No, he wasn't getting undressed in a random
public place again; it was something that seemed even more
inappropriate. Abby was shocked to see him giving his money wad to some
random dude. Although given the fact that Abby can hardly tell plaid
from a penis, who knows how she interpreted this little scene.
Regardless, she realized it was unsavoury and did her best to shield
Cameron from scandal when Anne came around. Anne probably could have
been better used trying to help Chloe is her scheme to snag away
Scooby. The diva's plan kept taking a nose dive, proving that no matter
how cleverly planned something is, the unpredictability of idiots will
always trump it. While she was dressed in what appeared to be a giant
Ferrero Rocher wrapper, Her Royal Hortonness was being anything but
sweet, although perhaps a little nutty. Slap Happy Horton gave Scooby a
taste of her palm and then asked the bewildered doctor to talk about
it. He wasn't eager for the chance. Before he could leave for San
Francisco, Kristen started blabbing to him about how Jenn thought that
he'd taken a trip down Chloe Lane. Rather than running off to a medical
conference to knock up another of his colleagues, he tracked down Jenn
at the cabin. She had flowers in her hair. Declarations of love ensued.
Chloe had the misfortune to witness this and was so traumatized by
watching Dannifer drilling the ditch that it may have finally driven
her over the edge.
Lines of the week:
Daniel (to Jenn): Talk first, slap later?
Chloe (to Maggie): Don't you have anything better to do than play matchmaker between your niece and your son?
Anne: God deliver me from you Hortons!
Nicole: I hope you brought an umbrella because I'm about to rain all over Chloe Lane's parade.
Eric (to Brady): I was wrong about you. You're not a compete jerk. You're a moron.
March 15, 2013
was a battle for sleep this week in Salem. Everyone wanted to just go
to bed and forget what was happening. Kristen and Brady leaped from bed
to bed at Casa DiMera but couldn't get any sleep. Stefano couldn't
sleep because Salem is as quiet as a morgue and twice as boring. Dr.
Scooby wanted to sleep and the diva tried to drug him to do so while
her mother just wanted some sleeping pills so she could get some shut
eye. Roman obviously could use some more sleep because he caught Lucas
snooping in Hope's office and bought some of the dude's lame excuses.
Lucas and Sami, working together just like old times, have demonstrated
that they may be older but they are certainly not wiser. Not that the
latter matters much when you have to deal with the Salem PD. After
stealing a pass key and breaking into the evidence room, they searched
for what felt like an eternity. Once they narrowed it down from the
vast number of boxes which contained evidence implicating them in one
crime or another, they located the box they sought. Lucas tried to lift
her up, but ever since she started going out with EJ, she's been using
the new DiMera ass inflating drugs they've been creating. Lucas could
hardly keep his grip as her posterior expanded and contracted with the
rhythm of an asthma attack. Realizing that this was bound to happen,
Sami had doused herself in perfume to cover some of the unfortunate
byproducts of her new booty treatments. Rafe sniffed his way down the
hall to catch them. The stink of Sami had never left his memory.
Apparently, the smell had also corroded his brain because he let them
And speaking of corroded brains... Brady and Kristen moved into Casa
DiMera and got busy marking every nook and cranny like it was their
territory. Stefano managed to sleepwalk through dealing with them
without slipping on any of the wet spots they'd left on the floor. She
thought her plot was going swimmingly. John swanned in and gave his son
a sentimental gift. They had breakfast. Kristen was confused but still
took the time to stick it to Marlena about the whole thing. It was
clear to the psychiatrist if not to the psycho that John was actually
back for revenge. Of course, Brady interpreted all of this as meaning
that his father was still smitten with Kristen.
Giving Brady a run for his money, Will admitted that he was feeling
like the stupidest man in Salem. Sonny was impressed. That takes some
real work. William nearly spilled everything to Gabba but stopped
himself. Then his mom got busy trying to solve his problems for him.
Will wondered if he should worry. EJ was worrying for him and kept
trying to reel Samanther in but she was spinning yarns in her head
about how things could pan out. She thought that they should turn to
Stefano for help. After all, he's back and bored. Elvis reminded her
that his father blackmailed Will. He didn't bother reminding her that
he did the same thing. It was shocking that she didn't really seem to
care. When he suggested that they move in to Casa DiMera with her
brother and his sister, she tried to be okay with that but wasn't. EJ
and Brady had nearly murdered each other, she had nearly murdered EJ
and yet it was the fact that Kristen had tried to murder her nearly
mummified mother that was really burning her grits.
annoyed and confused persisted elsewhere. Scruffy continued to pull a
face all week. She looked like she'd bought a pair of Misty Circle's
tights off eBay and a 12-year-old's handmade velvet grad dress off
Etsy. No wonder Scooby was confused. He was even more confused when she
didn't pull her punches and clocked him, sending the orange right out
of his cheeks. Her Royal Hortonness had just caught him drunk and
unconscious in bed with Chloe petering around the room. Scruffy assumed
the worst. That's usually the right idea, but this time she was wrong.
She'd played straight into the diva's manicured hands. My Annie hardly
even had to help. Scooby remained clueless and could only assume that
Scruffy had joined the Salem Fight Club. "I am Jenn's wailing libido
and I have not been satisfied."
Lines of the week:
Sami: I'm glad you answered the phone.
Will: I wasn't thinking clearly.
Sami: It's not like we're going to take real evidence that they need for real criminals.
Kristen: It will take more than cheap gimmicks to get your son back.
John: I can afford more than that.
Brady: Too much cheese?
Lucas: Uh... this isn't Hope's office?
March 8, 2013
hit new highs and lows this week. Sonny demonstrated tight lipped wit.
Will continued to prove that he's become a stereotypical air-headed
blond. Lucas stood beside Sonny until they began to look disturbingly
alike. As Nick was busy blackmailing Will into dropping all ties with
his baby, all that Lucas Roberts "er, I mean Horton" could do was tell
Fallon that he wasn't a Horton anymore. Demonstrating mental powers
that beggar belief, Nick managed to completely ignore them all, as well
as Sami's blustering and EJ's threats, and just putter on with his life
like he was playing a round of golf. Samanther, furious that she
couldn't cow her new enemy, went back to the sex farm with EJ 'Snooki'
DiMera to play pig in the pokey. After introducing her to all of his
pillow friends, he revealed something that he has had the top minds of
DiMera Enterprises working on: an inflatable ass. He demonstrated that
with the proper gyrations, it can blossom out to a variety of sizes to
suit most common human needs, and perhaps a few not so common ones.
(See image.) After she was finished with the test rump ride, they
decide to reward themselves by plotting murder and mayhem. One can only
wonder if it would have been more or less thrilling for them if they'd
discussed gun play.
Outside of town, Eric went to the prison and was introduced to Vargas.
They shared an entire conversation about how Vargas' name was only
Vargas. You only need one name in the local clink. It's like becoming a
celebrity when that was hard. Eric wanted to help integrate him back
into the outside world. Vargas didn't think that was plausible until he
heard that meant moving to Salem. The big difference between Salem and
prison being that there are probably more innocent people in the pen.
But what do differences matter? Ciara showed the priest a picture she
drew and he couldn't tell the difference between a picture of himself
and a picture of Jesus. The little girl wanted to marry the holy man.
Maybe Nicole should have slipped her that ticket to Utah she still has
lying around... Poor Nic continued to come unglued. She was so stressed
that her eyelashes were falling out. Father Eric remained absolutely
clueless about her feelings. She didn't know how to clue him in.
Across town, Kristen moved Brady into Casa DiMera while the scent of
Maggie's muffins were still in his nostrils. She suggested that they
christen every room in the house. He did the gentlemanly thing and
didn't point out that he had already christened each of the rooms with
Nicole while she was married to EJ. They jumped on the chessboard.
Before they could sort out who would be the bishop and who would be the
queen, he started to tingle all over. While Brady's brain may not be
the most functional piece of his anatomy, his nipples have demonstrated
that they have ESP. They shook, stiffened and pointed at the door just
as his father arrived. John gave him a memento of Isabella's and raised
one eyebrow so high that Brady assumed that it must have meant
But much of the week was taken over by the ongoing battle for Scooby.
Nancy came to town dressed as a tiger and immediately began trying to
scare away her daughter's competition. She attempted to use reverse
psychology on Scruffy, but that failed because the Horton is already
arse over face about everything anyway. However, Scooby was much more
clueless. Scruffy went back and forth so much that the doctor ended up
feeling like he was just chasing his own tale. After overdosing on
Scooby snacks, he went to his room to sleep it off. The diva swanned in
Now to change gears a little... Sometimes, during my arduous week of
having to witness the atrocities that befall the poor citizens of
Salem, my grim day is brightened by some mail from concerned viewers
from all over the globe. Sometimes they rant and rail. Sometimes they
earnestly seek advice. Since I don't give advice, I thought I could
share this with the lovely ladies and gents out there so they could
send some positive thoughts to this frustrated woman.
I thought that
after the end of Aubifail, and once Gargamel had left for
Coo-Coo-Clockland, you would buck up a bit. Perhaps the stress of
seeing your father turned into Spam in an elevator was too much for
you... or maybe you've caught your mom's stupidity by osmosis... You
feel like you should have died in that elevator. I feel like you are
trapped in a shaft going nowhere. But what can I do? I am only a couch
potato hooked up to battery power a TV screen. Why were you so
horrified when you caught Cam half naked? Are you so virginal that you
think penises look like plaid cotton? What the hell did they teach you
at boarding school, lady?
The Island of Three Angry Nuns
Lines of the week:
Sonny: My dad says that EJ is a lawyer in the same way that Snooki is an actress.
Sami: Take me somewhere where Diane can't hear me scream.
Nick: You two want something to love, get a dog.
March 1, 2013
a sloppy and scattered week, I started to know what it must feel like
to be EJ DiMera's brain. With the help of whichever drugs they normally
use to make people have flashbacks on the show, Gabba's guts managed to
calm down to a murmur. Nick was livid, however, and told Lady Samanther
Brady that she and her clan had to clear off. Sami quickly realized
that her family operates what amounts to a mini totalitarian state and
threw that back in the ex-con's face. Meanwhile, William was in a tizzy
after his cousin had cornered him for nearly killing EJ. It was hard to
know who was being the most naive. As a Brady-Horton dating the scion
of a one percenter families, Will would never need to worry about
facing justice. Plus, Sami shot EJ in the face and now she sits on it.
If Will only shot him in the back, what could that possibly lead to?
Leaving logic aside, insanity prevailed as Sami huffed and puffed and
Nick strolled through the wasteland of Horton family history like a
zombie in order to make the point that no child would be safe with
them. He then presented William with the chance to give his son what
he's always wanted the most - Sami out of his life.
As usual, EJ was more interested in Rafe. He cornered Rafael about the
fact that he's obviously been getting cozy with Kate. Elvis could
hardly contain his glee about how they've shared yet another woman
together, bringing their bacterial intimacy one step closer. He wasn't
the only one noticing the eau de sexy wafting around. Marlena could
instantly whiff it when she walked by Kate. They had another strangely
friendly conversation. Marlena wasn't getting that anywhere else. Abe
talked to her like the world's dreariest mortician. And John certainly
wasn't giving her much to calm her flexing forehead. As usual, he was
more interested in Stefano, who was quite happy to tell his former pawn
that he was going to be Brady's new discipline daddy. Things were
slightly less scintillating in the Bristen booty camp. After a huge
build-up, Kristen offered to tell Brady everything that happened to her
while she was away from Salem. Rather than regaling him with a thousand
and one tales of her misadventures in harems across the Middle East and
Mediterranean, she settled on being excruciatingly vague and stretched
this out for so long that it would be enough to erase anyone's memory.
No wonder at the end of all of that nothingness the poor palooka was
willing to do anything she said.
week Salem was filled with catfights, hysterical pregnant women, angry
opera singers, former harem mistresses, supervillains, washed up porn
stars, scantily clad twinks, self-righteous virgins and psychotic
junkies and yet it felt strangely sedated. I have to admit that I fell
asleep a few times during the week's episodes. By some magic, this
didn't make much difference to the daily recapping. I was foggy on a
few things though, so I had to ask my parrot, Stinky Pete, what
happened. "You're the most evil person... evil person... craw...
cracker... chowder... slut... bitch... evil person... Scooby...
Scruffy... claw... claw... clap... cracker... craw... confessional...."
From this, I managed to clean that Scooby and Scruffy pawed one another
and Chloe and Abigail finally got into a fight ultimately leading to
another death for Dannifer. This also proved that no matter how dim the
diva may be, she still managed to outsmart three other Salemites put
together. Meanwhile, Nicole nearly confessed her carnal cravings for
Father Eric to him when she climbed into his box. If the awkward sexual
innuendo involved with that wasn't enough, the fact that he remained
clueless about what she was feeling was enough to make me wonder if he
hadn't received a serious brain injury in Africa.
Lines of the week:
Father Matt: I'll be in confessional.
Nicole: Thanks, but I haven't committed any crimes... lately.
Nick: The Bradys... How many people have been the victim of something they didn't mean to do?
Abby: This look doesn't work outside of a trailer park.
February 22, 2013
continued to fizzle as she confirmed for Dr. Doogie that her chastity
belt was still intact. That was awkward, but not as awkward as it would
have been if his half-brother Chad had filled him in about how he and
Abby used to resist their urges by doing one another's hair. Meanwhile,
the chaos swirled around Gabigate as Sami continued dipping her oar in.
Julie eavesdropped her way into the fracas and added her oar. They
pulled Will around town like he was a rowboat. Meanwhile, Rafe and Kate
did their best to lure Fallon the felon away from doing anything daft.
Nick pouted about how he'd done his time and shouldn't be punished for
it while the town is roamed by criminals like his new arch enemy,
Samanther the brain spatterer. Kate went into eyebrow overload during
this luncheon and Rafe took her away so they could play drop the
anchor. We were later treated to hearing about how much she enjoyed
getting her 'refill' of 'decaf'. He soon had to rear his head again as
Sami went into overprotection overdrive. She continued pushing for the
paternity test until even Gabba's unborn baby wanted to kick her.
Gabba's baby kicked so hard she nearly came out. Everyone was angry at
Sami. She wouldn't back off. Gabs was rushed to the hospital. After
some more prodding, Sami promised to back off and then ran back in to
try and make amends. Gabba was developing a full allergy to Sami. Her
baby was as angry as a drunken football hooligan. Maxine starting
saying prayers to try and keep the baby calm. For a second, Gabba
worried that Jesus had come and taken her baby away, but the baby had
actually just become too bored to pay attention. Meanwhile, EJ couldn't
help but nearly salivated when he noticed that Rafe was getting close
to another woman whom they both used to know in the Biblical sense.
Chloe got herself kicked out of the Kiriakis compound. She easily
managed to get the mustache to fall for her ruse. The diva had demanded
that he make the building greener by having the air ducts cleaned.
Apparently Chloe had actually spent most of her time in Chicago as an
annoying telemarketer. Victor was outraged and gave her the boot. Maggs
was not so easily manipulated. Now that her hair has flattened out,
she's acting far more level-headed to suit it. Chloe argued with her
until the former Horton decided that this conversation was too 'stupid'
to merit having. Who knows what fate would befall Salem if everyone
else decided to embrace this strategy? With one stupid conversation
ended, Scooby and Scruffy were left to pick up the slack. She demanded
that he cut all ties with his ex. That suggestion was so extreme his
color faded from orange to yellow.
(again) to her all-purpose plan of leaving the nunnery to go off to God
knows where. She could no longer shake the sexual tension with Father
Eric. She tried burning it away with holy water but that only led to a
few images better left in your imaginations. Nic went around to say
goodbye to her friends, or at least Rafe. Then she ran into her ex-
daughter. Syd could sort of recognize Nicole. What was more surprising
was that Nicole could recognize nu-Syd. Back at the rectory, Eric was
bludgeoned with a crucifix by one of the local Salem junkies. He
quickly recovered from that and he and Roman started making Irish
jokes. It was nothing compared to the self-flagellation he's rumored to
get up to. Nic had arrived in the nic of time to prevent him being
killed. Getting some of his blond and brains on her hand only increased
their bond, as is the norm in Salem.
Kristen must have been drinking a lot more than just shots when she was
in Chicago because she was having hallucinations by the time she got
back to town. While most people get blurred vision when they are
inebriated, her whole personality was becoming blurred. She couldn't
sort out her feelings and was starting to feel bad for Brady. Lucky for
her, Marlena stopped by to shrink her back into her old vengeful self.
The DiMera went over the top and asked Brady to share a roof with her
father. He was so miffed that he took his pants and went home.
Lines of the week:
Brady: (to EJ) Bite me.
Sami: Since when do women go into labor because of fighting? I have four children!
February 15, 2013
Day came to Salem this week and brought a blizzard of sappiness with
it. However, Scooby, Scruffy, Fred and Daphne's trip to America's
murder capital for romance was abruptly cut short. Chloe called up the
doctor to inform him that Parker was ill. He and Scruffy rushed back to
town. Parker quickly recovered and went back to hurling blocks at his
pops. Chloe and Scruffy sneered at one another. Even Anne joined in on
that. Finally, Scooby gave Scruffy the evil eye for her deception which
robbed him of the chance to see his son puke. She went home and kicked
herself. Scruffy was dying, weighted down with so much excess Scooby
snack that she looked like she was going to have kittens at any moment.
She tried to make amends to the doctor, but it was supremely awkward
since Chloe was settling into his pad like water under oil. Meanwhile,
for reasons I fail to fully understand, Kristen thought that getting
rip-roaring drunk would be the perfect way to convince her recovering
addict boytoy that they should be together until they are no more than
lusty dust. It wasn't.
February 8, 2013
It was a climactic week
in Salem as Elvis finally managed to overcome his near crippling
obsession with scarves and settle on just letting Samanther wrap
herself around his neck. He turned out all of the lights so that he
could at least retain the sensation that he was intercoursing with his
pillow heap. They bumped uglies in an ecstasy so subdued it made the
post-coitus pizza bagels he served her seem exotic. By the time
morning came and came again, the news had spread. Johnny and Caroline
clued Rafe in. Ma Brady wasn't totally thrilled that she'd been used as
a babysitter so Sami could play the seed game with a DiMera. Rafe did
his best to act like he didn't care, but he was clearly horrified. He'd
been in love with a woman who didn't really exist. Apparently God had
changed the writing team without telling him. Rafe was reluctant to
hear about Samanther spreading her crumpet with EJam. She hunted him
down to smear it on him anyway. Luckily, he had visited a few internet
message boards and had a few nasty things to say about her stored up.
She refused to believe any of it and flailed off to flame Brady about
the fact that he was still hooking up with a DiMera. He thought that
was pretty rich and they tried to figure out who was the biggest
psychotic twit in all of this. That came to a bit of a draw.
Meanwhile, Nicole's plan to break up Brady and Kristen crumbled faster
than crackers into a bowl of chowdah. She was hauled down to the
station by the bored and Bopeless Hope. Eric went along to give her
spiritual advice. Kristen and Brady didn't want to press charges.
Victor felt differently. He enjoyed making her squirm so much that he
brought candy along for the show. In the end, he admitted he was just
wasting police time because there was nothing better to do. Hope easily
persuaded him to drop it, but she wasn't impressed that she actually
had to do some work for once. She had an even harder time getting him
to drop his enquiry into what harbor Babs was currently dropping his
Detective Hope probably should have been paying more attention to the
other scandal that was engulfing her family. As Gabigate continued to
putter along with the urgency felt by the bladder of an incontinent
camel, Samantha urged her son to get a paternity test done as soon as
possible. She reminded him that she knows all about paternity tests and
what significant plot devices they can be. Since he is in some ways
still the victim of her past schemes, he was reluctant to listen to
her. But since Will got his copy of the sonogram he's been tripping
around Salem with it like it's coated in LSD and he's licking it with
his eyeballs. He finally agreed to pressure Nick and Gabbah to go along
with test. Nick promptly paid a visit to the Salem surveillance shop
and planted a bug on William before sending a blackmail text to Lucas.
The father and son promptly blundered straight into unwittingly
admitting everything on tape.
The week was bookended by Jenn's (aka Scruffy) twin attempts to get her
flower watered by Scooby (aka Daniel). Down to his skivvies, Scooby
climbed on top of Scruffy. He was starting to notice that the scar from
that gaping hole he'd torn in between her cleavage was gone. Before she
could tell him about her magical holes, Chloe called to interrupt. She
played him her special effects tape of crying babies. He wasn't a
pediatrician so Scooby was really perplexed when the sound started to
skip. He ran back to the mansion. It quickly dawned on him that there
was nothing wrong with the wee one. Before he could lay into the diva
for ruining his lay away, Parker blurted out 'Daddy'. Scooby assumed he
was talking to him, rather than the wooden block in his hand. In the
hands of a more talented writer, this incident could have opened the
door to the strangest 'who is your daddy' plot in Daytime history.
Either that or the kid has already realized that his father is a
blockhead. Unperturbed, Scooby and Scruffy planned another lascivious
getaway. This time, Her Royal Hortonness fed the town diva faulty info
to trip her up. Armed with the help of Anne and some kind of
superlaxative, they plotted to severely crimp Scruffy's night out, or
at least make it far messier than expected. When they failed to hunt
them down, the diva suddenly noticed that Parker was severely ill.
Luckily she'd arrived just in time since Maggie hadn't even noticed.
And Abba continued getting closer to the town's only resident who seems
to be aging in reverse - Dr Cameron "Doogie" Davis. He showed up with a
heap of flowers almost as big as he was and, in a cracking voice, asked
her out for grapefruit. Their new romance consisted of a conversation
about gluten. Doogie promised to take her to the movies next. After
that, he plans to discuss the importance of fibre with her. This will
logically lead to him explaining the importance of a clean colon to the
town virgin. Half-brother Chad may have tipped him off that Abba isn't
into clam shucking. I'll leave you to surmise what this means, but it
should lead you to the only realistic explanation to justify this
Lines of the week:
Kristen: Karma is a bitch and her name is Kristen.
Kristen: You don't want to fall in love with a priest. It makes married men look like a walk in the park.
February 1, 2013
was a momentous week in Salem. Jenn finally answered my burning
question: What makes Daniel so appealing? Apparently it's that he's a
mamma's boy who does a great Scooby-Doo impression. This finally
explains why his pet name for Her Royal Hortoness is 'Shaggy'. Sensing
that the Shagster was craving to love, Hope encouraged her to outwit
Chloe the devious diva with romance. Shaggy decided to take him out for
hot chocolate and marshmallows. Hope was sure that nothing impresses a
man more than the ability to cover your face in fluffy white goo.
Unfortunately, when Shaggy got to Scooby's, no one was there but Chloe
in the doctor's shirt and Parker looking as bored as the audience.
Chloe was sure that this little mind game of hers would have the Horton
cringing. Shaggy managed to meet up with the surgeon at the pub. She
was wearing lace. He was confused. She explained that she had a Scooby
snack she needed him to munch on. She wanted to feed him right away,
but, for mysterious reasons, decided that this was something they could
only do out of town. I guess what she had in mind is one of the few
things that are actually illegal in Salem. Dr. Doo was down with that.
They made their way to the infamous Salem chalet, usually host to
swinger conventions and other 'medical' conferences. She dropped her
trenchcoat. "Ro Ro, Ro Ro Ro Roooooo," he said romantically. She
scratched him behind the ears, but before she could play with his tail,
Chloe called and killed the buzz.
Almost as anti-anticlimactically, Billie decided her days in Salem were
over. She explained this to her mother by reminding her of when she was
a heroin addict. That logically led to her being attracted to Babs and
things continued to go downhill from there. She'd finally pulled
herself out of that leathery pit to be whatever she is now, some kind
of secret agent presumably. But since the ISA hasn't actually given her
any work to do and CW doesn't seem to do anything at all, she found
some other job. Both ladies showed some pearly tears and Billie left in
a cloud of psychedelic business attire. Meanwhile, Babs' other former
wife, Hopeless, went out of her way to listen to everyone's marital
problems. She was particularly keen to hear all about Marlena
apparently parting of ways with the man who at least one of them in
actually married to. Rafe managed to be the only person to notice that
Babs has been gone for a long time. Everyone else thought that he'd
just gone upstairs to shave his facial hair into a heart, but it turned
out that he actually sailed away to parts unknown with whichever of his
children he managed to bump into. At least that was Hope's story and
she was sticking to it, deliberately running away whenever she was
Continuing down the road to saintliness, Nicole finished re-organizing
the church bureaucracy before inserting herself into the middle of
Brady's love life. She decided to scheme her way into breaking up Black
and DiMera. That flopped as gracefully as a bowl of chowder spills onto
a cocker spaniel's head. Brady was sick of everyone sticking their
heads into his love life. Kristen continued talking to everyone like
she was a bored kindergarten teacher and they were stupid babies.
Meanwhile, the battle over Gabba's baby bundle continued to bring the
joy. At least Will was happy. That was doomed to fail. Nick spent five
minutes on the internet and was completely caught up on everything
Lucas has done in the past five years. That gave him a cunning plan for
custody. All the while, Sonny continued to mope about breaking up with
the Horton. Brian tried to distract him. He may not have been able to
hook him up with some donuts, but he offered him something almost as
exciting. Sonny managed to resist, but not before William spotted them
week was hardest hit this week when Sami breezed into the pub to blow
her stack at her. Gabba could barely breathe her air. Rafe made her
back off. She went home and called Elvis, who was busy doling out
ironic advice to his little brother about coming in second. EJ slowly
sauntered over Samanther's. As one EJami told me, "He's a gentleman. He
always comes second." Sami told him that she'd seen the real Rafe.
She'd been understandably confused about who that was since Elvis had
sent a fake one to, as she used to put it, 'rape' her a few years ago.
But now that she'd seen that Hernandez put his family before his
pelvis, she knew that Elvis was the right fit for her. Rafe didn't seem
to care. EJ was so disappointed that his rival wasn't jealous that he
went to Sami's and nearly burst into tears. She blubbered to him until
he finally made her stop by kissing her. The truth is that EJ really
loves Rafe, which is something anyone can see simply by watching the
long intense glances they cast in each other's eyes. He loves him so
much, he had his own copy made. Unfortunately, much as with his blatant
desires for young William, EJ continued to forcefully to repress his
homoerotic longings, displacing them onto a woman who used to be a man,
one who doesn't seem to mind what Nicole used to refer to as EJ's
'perverse and degrading tastes'. He told Sami that was the only woman
he's even looked at in the past six years (somewhere Nicole and Taylor
shook their heads). When she made her move on him, he got as jumpy
as... well, Abby. He was overwhelmed. This was just like what he'd been
rehearsing with his fluffy silk pillows. Terrified, he offered to
leave, but she insisted that he stay and decorate her hallway.
Lines of the week:
Kristen: You just called me a 'phony bitch'. Now I'm going to have to rethink my entire existence.
Kristen (to Nicole): I am very tolerant of you. You know why? Because I
know you care about Brady. But you are so completely insignificant to
me. You are not worth the energy to react.
Maggie: When he knows you better, we can have a 'who is your daddy' party for him.
Daniel: I can't wait to see that cake.
January 25, 2013
Gabigate continued as
the news that Salem's most famous gay man impregnated someone began to
spread. Sonny could hardly believe it. What made it worse was the fact
that his mother had already warned him that some kind of daysaster was
headed his way if he got involved with a scion of Sami. Keeping his
inner turmoil underwraps was so exhausting for him that he seemed to be
sleepwalking through the entire event. Apparently being surrounded by
that much coffee on a constant basis finally makes you immune to its
effects. His parents showed up to try and snap him out of it. No dice.
Will showed up and proclaimed that he wanted him to be part of the
baby's life with him. His child could have three daddies and a mummy.
Will really does take after his mother. Meanwhile, Nick turned to the
father of the boyfriend of the baby-daddy for legal counsel. EJ had
already hired the town's 'leading custody lawyer' to rep Will. I guess
Nick didn't have a lot of options left. Justin refused to help take
away another man's baby. Nick got busy using his often mentioned
intellect. He decided to let William sit in on the sonogram and moon
over the baby to be. Gabi and Abby took a break from discussing babies
to discuss the fact that the Abster was still a virgin. Gabi couldn't
help but notice the irony. Look sister, having sex in Salem is a bad
idea. Even if you're gay, someone winds up pregnant.
though sex and daysaters are never far apart, plenty of Salemites were
still ready to drop their britches around their ankles. EJ did his best
Rafe impersonation as he defended Samanther to Rafael. Sami was
impressed. It was like being with RoboRafe only with less personality
and no sense of humor. She took EJ home. He could hardly resist
sniffing her leather pants. They reminded him of all of those posters
he had of Tom Jones in his dorm room at the all boys school. While Sami
may not have kept her mustache from her time as a man, she's obviously
kept another part of her maleness. She and Elvis dry humped on the
couch until it was about to pop out. He finally pulled away before they
could loosen their belts. He insisted that he had to do the right thing
and wait. Lucas miraculously showed up. EJ went home, doffed his
clothes and cuddled with his pillows and sucked on some bonbons before
calling her to giggle about using his head. He can only use the one on
his shoulders on special occasions since he only has half of it left
thanks to her. But that's okay. He may have limited brain matter but he
has magical baby batter. Lucas tore into her, reciting all of the
anti-Sami mail sent in by viewers.
Lucas was lecturing his ex, one of his other exes was also getting into
mischief. Chloe began to ratchet up her plan to wrest Dr. Orange away
from 'the dull one'. Her Royal Hortonness was actually clever enough to
see this coming a mile away. Apparently the diva and Anne had been
broadcasting a little too loudly. But how do the diva and the Jenn
hater know each other? Chloe used to volunteer at the hospital, singing
high pitches in the neurology wing as they did experiments on hearing
loss. That's where Anne first laid her eyes on her. She'd just managed
to emerge unscathed in the recent hospital scandal around stolen organs
and had been keeping her head down. The two of them quickly bonded out
of a shared passion for big hair and Barbara Streisand. More details to
follow... Meanwhile, Kristen actually got so excited that she jumped up
and down. She'd just watched John tell Marlena he was leaving the
stench of Salem behind for awhile to get his brain working again. If
she'd really wanted him to stay, she could have just called the geek
squad over to tinker with the CD drive in his head. And Nicole was
advised by a priest to do something selfless, so she decided to wade
into the Brady and Kristen debacle. Does this mean that every time
someone starts meddling in other people's business, it's really the
Lines of the week:
Nicole: (to Sami) How's it goin' there, Granny?
Rafe: I saw the real side of Sami. Guess what? It's a nightmare.
Lucas: So what is it? Rafe on Thursday and EJ on Friday?
January 18, 2013
was wedding day in Salem this week. As Victor observed, it didn't go
off that badly. After all, no one was shot and there was only a minor
incident of pummelling. Weddings are usually so prone to disaster and
death that if the Salem PD wasn't so heavily involved in them, they
should have been lobbying to make them illegal. Judging by some of
Chadsworth's new mannerisms, he's been spending most of his time holed
up watching Christian Slater in "Heathers." He managed to pull himself
away long enough to ruin the wedding just as it was turning into a
platter of cheese. It wasn't easy for him to do it. After all, it would
cost him his sexually frustrating future with Abstinence Abby, but
somehow ruining Gabi's life seemed even more tempting. What he wasn't
prepared for was Rafe polishing his knuckles on his noggin. Hope pulled
them apart and made each of them stand in a corner. She threatened to
have Chad arrested for assaulting a police officer. I guess Rafe
bruised his knuckles. Doug and Julie arrived in time to sink into the
gossip before they slipped out of their cruise wear. Meanwhile, Lucas'
big mouth was getting in the way. He had a very private conversation
with his son in a very public place and Nick just happened to eavesdrop
on it. He'd apparently taken a cue from how Chad had managed to get
Displaying her usual extraordinary skills, Sami managed to make this
all about her. She hurled her bile at Gabi until Rafe waded through the
muck to rescue his nutty little sister from his even fruitier ex-wife.
Showing his usual range of emotions, he raised his eyebrows and waved
his arms like an air traffic controller until the whole thing blew
over. Across town, Chad informed his big brother about the palaver.
EJ's eyebrows nearly popped off his head. He quickly guessed that his
dumb ass brother had managed to put a wrench into the Safe reunion and
decided it was time to unleash the screws. He showed up at her place
with wine and a freshly mowed chin. They got cozy on the same spot
where, only a few hours before, she'd nearly allowed Rafe to release
his dolphin. After these distractions, she finally managed to track
down her son and lecture him. Both of them did their best to try and
make the conversation not revolve around her, but the results were
middling at best. If getting it from his mom wasn't bad enough, it
looked like he wouldn't be getting anything from Sonny anymore.
Apparently, he hasn't been looking for that kind of daddy.
And speaking of daddy's... Daniel settled into being one. Jenn was
around to feel awkward about the whole thing. Parker was so excited by
all of this that he literally crapped himself. Daniel and Jenn called
his mom in to change the diaper and then tried to get back to life as
usual, only now with ice cream breaks. Nicole finally broke it to Chloe
that she'd schtupped Daniel. After some name calling, they both had to
accept that they were miserable washed-up sex trade workers in love
with a slutty doctor who didn't want either of them. Instead, he was
smitten with "Her Royal Hortoness" Queen of the Prisses. Chloe decided
to go into offensive action after a vengeful Kate tipped Jenn off about
Chloe's hooking history. Displaying more strategic competency than
we've ever seen from her, Chloe recruited Anne to her cause. After
confessing her past to the doctor, she made it look like Jenn was
plotting to have the child taken away.
town, Kristen's plot continued to plod along. Angry John had moved out
of the townhouse, leaving Marlena to pop her own tarts for breakfast.
The shrink went to her office to moan to Hope about Kristen. Since she
hadn't already perverted the law enough this week, Hope had a cunning
plan. She convinced the talking doctor to wear the newest model in the
Hope Faith and Miracles line of surveillance brooches. The shrink slunk
over to Kristen's attempted to outwit her by using the oldest trick in
the book. This was so obvious that Marlena could have been doing the
whole thing in pantomime. Kristen managed to make the doctor look like
the bad guy. The doctor continued displaying her ongoing talent for bad
judgement and left the incriminating recording lying around for John to
find it. He listened to it and made the biggest stink face since the
sewers blew up. John went from feeling like a pawn in Kristen's scheme
to feeling like everyone he cared about had been replaced with
doppelgangers. Marlena knew just how he felt. He declared the air in
Salem toxic and decided to leave so he could rejuvenate his brain.
Meanwhile, Brady's brain continued to suffer the after affects of the
last time it was damaged. Kristen almost started feeling bad for him.
Lines of the week:
Chloe: He likes it vanilla, just like his daddy.
Nicole: And I thought he was scraping the bottom of the barrel when he was with me...
John: I feel like everyone I care about has had their mind replaced with someone else's.
Marlena: I know exactly how that feels.
January 11, 2013
K returned to Salem this week with news so heavy and sad that he had to
wear his invisibility cloak to spare the audience the sight of his
tears. At least that was the official line. Rumor has it that the grief
was so great that it had dislodged his second face. After rowing to
Salem with his peg leg, the faceless non-father dropped off Parker and
descended to the Kiriakis bunker to become the town's version of
Phantom of the Opera. Victor managed to take the news that Parker was
really Daniel's son with an unusual level of calm. Maggie is apparently
still drugging his breakfast. Either that or she makes him get up at
two in the morning to help her do her hair for the day. He only managed
to use the word 'slut' once to mark the return of Chloe. Kate was a
little more indulgent. After skipping through her list of expletives,
she finally settled on 'whore' and remembered that the diva actually
used to be one. That gave her a fiendish plan.
Chloe immediately sunk back into the mire better known as Salem. It had
changed so much in the year she'd been gone. Now everyone drank coffee
instead of booze. It's like prohibition had finally hit, or was that
just a bad dream of Nicole's that they re-ran three times? The diva had
obviously been keeping on Daniel's wave length. After all, it looked
like they go to the same tanning salon. She did her best not to cringe
at the thought of him with Jenn. Not everyone has that talent. Chloe
quickly found a friend in Anne, the current president of the Anti-Jenn
club at the hospital. Meanwhile, Lucas was actually happy to hear that
his ex was back. He assumed that she would ruin things for Jenn and
Daniel. Apparently he still hasn't clued in to how deeply the stupidity
And speaking of errors in judgement... After dating for a little over a
month, Sonny asked Will to move in with him. He even cleared out half
of his closet for him. I'm sure there was supposed to be a joke in
there somewhere. This wasn't a good sign. Asking someone to move in
that fast is the worst form of premature ejaculation possible. Since
Will is emotionally retarded, he couldn't figure that out. And since
Sonny had to wait more than a year to kiss the guy, his sense of timing
has been lost. The sense of doom crept in. Surely William, from your
own experience, you know the only way to sustain any kind of
relationship in Salem is to actually end up in a three-way?
all of the wedding mania in the air, Sami and Rafe's feelings continued
to rekindle. They recalled being romantically tethered at their wedding
in the pet cemetery and her promise that they would get their own
kennel of dogs who they could teach them to play poker. He promised
some doggy style romance after the wedding ceremony. She got exited. EJ
was excited too. He came sniffing around and told her that he'd finally
shaken his scarf obsession and fallen in love with her again. She
didn't know what to say and nearly began crying. Somehow that didn't
matter and she blubbered anyway without really saying anything. She and
Rafe made out all over town. She mooned to Hope about how she and the
detective were the new Bope. Finally, the wedding got underway.
Chadworth was invited along by Abigail since he had made a public show
of putting his Gabi hate behind him. Abby swallowed this and he got his
invitation to the wedding. Considering how paranoid Nick and Gabi were
about everything else, it was a bit surprising they let that go. But
between having no hen night, a completely sober bachelor party that
felt like an AA meeting and Sami's recycled wedding mix piped through
the PA system, they obviously weren't thinking. Before they could be
pronounced man and wife, Chadsworth stood up to do the most unpopular
thing you can in Salem: denounce the hypocrisy of the Hortons.
Lines of the week:
Lucas: (to Jenn) I can't believe you're so stupid.
Kate: You may be the world's worst mother ever!
Chloe: Oh, don't give up that crown so easily.
Sami: Brady's always had a thing about slutty bitches so he was easy prey.
Daniel: He's a monkey. He takes after his father.
January 4, 2013
Christmas out of the way, Salemites quickly leapt into New Year's
celebrations. At least the adults did. The kids weren't allowed. All
the same, Syd was happy. She loved her new penguin so much that she
called it Rafe, which led to some confusion. Sami didn't mind too much
though. I may have just been drunk and misunderstood this, but going by
Samanther's garbled New Year's Eve blather, it sounded like the kid
bathes with her little Rafe in the washing machine. The revelation that
Sami shoves her children into appliances with the rest of her stuff
finally explains how Johnny and Sydney's hair always stays so curly.
penguin obsession continued as EJ dressed up in a giant laughing
penguin suit to impress the children and their mother. That got
Samanther purring. They went down to the town square for the big
shindig. Since Eric would rather spend his time helping the homeless
than needy Nicole, she went to the big event with Rafe the dateless
wonder. Sensing that he would rather
he ringing in the new year with Sami, she left them alone and
distracted EJ at Caffeinated. Nicole deliberately spilled his
over-priced champale on his crotch. She then climbed on top of Elvis
and planted her tongue so far in his mouth that she could feel the
draft from his bullet hole. He eventually got her off his face and ran
back to the square where Rafe and Sami had decided to toast to the new
year with their tonsils. As soon as they'd swapped spit, Elvis swanned
over and nearly threw her on the ground so he could publicly suck
Rafe's saliva out of her mouth. Sami didn't seem to notice that he
tasted like his ex-ex-ex former pornstar wife. Elvis wasn't finished.
He hopped around town with Sami in his black and white get-up,
romancing her with florescent champagne and smacking his lips like some
anglicized version of Pepe Le Pew. Although this was hard to resist,
she continued fantasizing about Rafe until Lucas called to say that
Allie had caught a cold from sleeping in the fridge. Rafe's smooth
talking continued the next day as he confused Sami with a hodgepodge of
casual insults, bromides and kisses.
While Elvis' plans for romance were clearly in danger of being
bamboozled, his brother was faring a little better. He spent the
holiday playing Monopoly with Abigail. Maybe it was the scarf that
Chadsworth was wearing, or the way his little car had bumped into her
thimble, but she couldn't resist kissing him. Jenn had managed to pry
herself away from her virginal daughter and the douchebag to bask in
the orange glow of Doctor Dan. "Every day with you is like a trip to
the apple orchard in autumn," she cooed. They decided that they had
been going in slow motion for too long and needed to speed things up.
After she teased him with some surgical sexual euphemisms, the doc ran
back to his apartment to start a fire beside his bear skin rug. Before
he could order the Hawaiian pizza for the classy evening he planned,
Chloe delivered herself to his door.
The big drama of the week happened elsewhere. Marlena deliberately sent
John off to Brady's office, sure that his son would be having it off
with Kristen. Sure enough, he walked in on Brady 'the gullible nitwit'
demonstrating his 'mind-bending virility' by marching his cream puff
into Kristen's enchanted forest. John was outraged, and not just
because they'd soiled a perfectly decent desk. In fact, it was one of
the few pieces of office furniture left in town that hadn't been
varnished with human remainders (Brady and Madison, John and Marlena,
Philly and Chloe and EJ and Kate to name a few of the former culprits).
He did his best not to call his son a desperate idiot. It was hard. He
tried 'mad with grief' instead. Brady was hard headed about it.
Apparently every time he's had his head whacked, it's managed to grow a
thicker layer of bone. They soon began clobbering each other in the
hopes that they might knock some sense in. They wound up in the
hospital and, even without Maggie's help, the gossip spread fast. A
parade of cringes went by. Everyone weighed in but Brady was still
falling for Kristen like a sinking ship. Meanwhile, John realized that
his (not real) wife had been keeping the whole affair involving his
ex-(not real)wife a secret and started to feel like he was a beached
Lines of the week:
John: Do me a favor, Son. I mean, right after you zip up your fly.
Brady: Is this one of those commandments that I never heard of? Thou shalt not go to bed with thy father's ex-whatever.
Nicole: EJ is as attractive to me as a school bus fire.
Kristen: (to Marlena) Your first language really is melodrama, isn't it?
Sonny: Does that one come with an instruction manual?
Will: Would you want to read it if she did?
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2012
Matt's Musings on Days of Our
Lives from 2011
Matt's Musings on Days of Our
Lives from 2010
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2009
Matt's Musings on Days of Our Lives from 2008
Fun Fact: Matt Purvis wrote these just for you!
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